Some things you should consider if you are thinking about breaking up because the grass is greener on the other side.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a thirty-one year old viewer from Sweden who has been with his girlfriend for two and a half years. He met another woman in his gym recently that is hotter than any other woman he’s been with, and it appears she is interested in him.
He says he is bored with his relationship and wondering if he should end it to date other women. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
So much of this email reminds me of what I wrote about in How To Be A 3% Man, back when I was in my twenties and I went through the same thing in a relationship I was in. It was when I ran into a girl I had gone to high school with that I had a big crush on, but she always had a boyfriend. I ran into her seven or eight years since I had last seen her at that point in my life, and it got the wheels spinning.
I was at a place in my life where I was just not living authentically in my own truth, being who I was and following my heart, my curiosity and my intuition, especially when it came to my personal life. And running into this particular girl just stirred these feelings in my soul and caused me to really examine my life, and where I was, and what I really wanted. And so, this particular guy, it seems like he’s got the same kind of thing going on.
It’s really hard, especially in this case, when you’re in a relationship. I was married at the time. Or maybe you’re in a job or a career and it just doesn’t feel right, the internal enthusiasm is not there, or maybe it was never there, or it’s not there like it was. These things are going to happen in life. I believe life happens for you and not to you. And so, when things like this happen, it really causes you to reexamine your reasoning as to why you made the choices that you made.
I’m Bob, a 31-year-old man from Sweden. I’m truly grateful for you, and I appreciate your brutal honesty. Your work has helped me tune into my natural masculine energy when it comes to women, despite our society encouraging men to become nurtured fat cats to lay at home on the top of a warm TV.
I spent my early twenties very confused. I didn’t know shit about women, and I felt so uncomfortable with my weak behavior that you were “supposed to do” that I had learned. Luckily, I’m born with the ambition to always push my limits in all aspects of life, whether it be a skill set or weak personality traits. My issue isn’t related to keeping the woman attracted to me or being able to set dates. Instead, I find it hard to know if a woman is right for me.
Well, my first two books really go into detail, obviously “How To Be A 3% Man,” and later the “Mastering Yourself “ book, which is all about pushing your limits in every aspect of your life. I’m all about teaching self-reliance. In other words, being able to rely upon yourself in your personal as well as your professional life and create a life and lifestyle built around the things you love most and enjoy the most – the things that you’re most passionate about.
Because the people you’re most passionate about and the things you do in your spare time that you’re most passionate about are the things that you’ll obsess over and put the extra effort into, versus something that you’re just doing because it pays the bills, or you’re just kind of going along with something.
If you want to have a spectacular life full of passion, and excitement, and interest and things that light you up on the inside, you have to get good at pursuing the things that you love and enjoy and that feel right to you – that your intuition causes you to feel that you’re moving in the right direction.
I know back when I was in my twenties, I hadn’t learned to trust that yet. I wasn’t so sure about trusting my gut. I was more in my head and doing things that other people told me were what I should want to do. So, it’s not easy doing these things, especially when matters of the heart are involved or other people are involved. Like, in my case, I was in a marriage.
I was having this conversation with Dominic. We did a podcast the other day with one of his other practice members, and that was something that network care really helped me with, recognizing that my internal enthusiasm that I had for my real estate and construction business that I had with my business partners, I just wasn’t that into it anymore, and admitting that to myself.
At that point in time, I had close to two decades of my life invested between school, working for other people and the business that I had with my business partners. So, it’s not easy just to dismiss that and say, “Oh, I’m going to go do something else.” Because you’ve got your rules and your story, your identity, and in my case, my whole life was was built around that. So, it’s not easy to just decide you’re going to go do something else, especially when other people are involved.
And so, this guy, he’s going through the same thing. He’s doing what he’s “supposed to do,” as opposed to what he wants to do or what feels right.
I’ve been with my current girlfriend for 2.5 years, but lately I have started feeling heavy in my chest and bored when spending time with her. I can’t say for certain why I feel this way, but having worked very hard on my insecurities for years and dealing with my demons, I have started to feel like an absolute unit.
My confidence has grown massively, and I am much calmer. I’m starting to feel like it doesn’t matter how attractive a woman is, I am the one evaluating her suitability. I’m starting to truly feel this way now. I feel like one of the greatest catches out there.
Well, it’s time and repetition. I had an email that I answered yesterday. That guy was full of anxiety. He was wondering, “When is all this fear going to go away? When am I going to no longer have this anxiety that caused me to want to reach out and text and find out where I stand with my girl,” which obviously he recognizes, is going to turn her off.
This guy has got the opposite problem. Everything feels right, but now his feelings have changed for the woman that he’s in a relationship with. And it sounds like this is the first girl he got into a relationship with after he came across “How To Be A 3% Man.” And so, the idea is that you want to have enough experience, especially if you’re a guy who’s looking to settle down and either get married or start a family with somebody.
You have to have enough experience. You have to have test driven enough cars, so to speak, to know what’s out there, know what’s out in the dating market and what your options are. So, when you do decide to be with somebody, you feel like you’ve kind of sampled what’s out there, versus what most people do, which is getting into a long term relationship with the first person that comes along that they’re able to get into a relationship with – that often more often times than not, doesn’t have the passion and the desire and the love that we’re taught when we’re little that we’re supposed to have in our relationships. Most people just tend to settle in this part of their life.
A couple of weeks ago, one of the most attractive women I have ever seen started working out at my gym. I didn’t really pay her any attention because I can’t ask her out.
Because, obviously, he has a girlfriend.
She started popping up next to me at various machines and places in the gym.
Well, this is what women do. When they like you, they come and they sit next to you. In this case, if you’re working out of gym, they’ll come and sit on the piece of equipment directly facing you so you stare at them and you make eye contact with them, or they sit down on a piece of equipment next to you, hoping that you’ll strike up a conversation.
I busted her looking at me from across the room on multiple occasions. At one point, as she was about to leave, she turns her head around and looks me in the eyes as she’s walking down the stairs, never letting go of eye contact. I was surprised about how excited I felt about this, but it also made me concerned and I had feelings of guilt. Is it normal to feel this way about someone other than your girlfriend?
Well, I mean, at the end of the day, you’re still a man. And when you see a really pretty girl come by and sit next to you, especially in this case where she’s basically eye-fucking you, that’s going to feel good, and you’re going to notice it, and you’ll probably have some impure thoughts about that. But if you have enough life experience, if you’ve dated enough different women and you kind of know what’s out there, and you’ve had several different relationships, you get to a place where you have peace, where you’re satisfied and you’re content with the woman that you’re with.
Now, it doesn’t mean you’re never going to find any other woman attractive. But it does mean that when that does happen, do you feel like you’re missing out? And for me, when I was married, I felt like I was missing out because I really, quite frankly, hadn’t played the field enough and hadn’t dated enough of the type of women that I really wanted to date, at least at that point in my life, in order to settle down and be married.
This is when I realized how incredibly bored I feel in my relationship, and how little excitement I feel in it.
At the end of the day, you’re the driver of the fun bus. Is it because your girl is boring, or is it because you’ve settled into a dull, boring routine? Because in all relationships, you go there to give. You’re there to help each other grow and become more. And you have to examine, why is it that you no longer feel like you want to put your best foot forward, like you want to make the same effort you did with your girl? Does she make you feel loved, wanted, needed, desired, appreciated? Did you settle, or do you feel like you committed to a relationship before you had really seen what was out there?
Because a lot of guys, when they’ve gone a long time without having a girlfriend or a relationship, or maybe they’ve never had one, then one person comes along, and they’re just glad to have somebody in their lives. But as you get past that and your confidence grows, your self-esteem grows, you’ve got to experience what else is out there before you’re going to make those kinds of decisions.
The reality is not everybody’s meant to be with one person forever. I mean, if you just look at the numbers in our society, it ain’t working. I mean, when you’ve got divorce rates over 50%, most people are making bad choices or they’re choosing to get into relationships when, deep down, it’s not what they really want. And they’re doing it to please everybody else, just like I did. I did everything to make everybody else happy when I was younger, and I ended up hurting myself and everybody else around me in the process. And that’s not a good way to live. It’s important to be authentic, to follow your truth and live your truth.
I dream of a family of my own one day, but the thought of doing that with my current girlfriend feels soul-draining.
The important thing is how that feels. You’ve been with her two and a half years. You know what you’re going to get at this point, and if you can’t see yourself having a family with her, then the right thing to do, the honorable thing to do is to let her go, so she can find the right guy for her and you can find the right girl for you.
Maybe you need to date and have two or three more girlfriends, have two or three more relationships, or get your heart broken a few more times before you really feel content, like you had the experiences you need to experience, because otherwise you’re going to feel, just like the the video title says, like the grass is greener on the other side. And that’s not a fun place to be when you’re in a relationship, or even worse, when you’re in a marriage.
There’s nothing really wrong with her on paper. She is such a cute, loving, caring, and warm girl. I’ve told her that I feel bored and weighted down in our relationship and tried to figure out why. How do you actually know if you should give a relationship more time, or if it is best to break up and find a better match?
Let’s go Brandon!
What I can do as a coach is to help you get what you want. And so, you’ve got this girl that you wanted, and now you’re questioning if you still want it. And this is something that you, and only you, have to decide yourself and what feels right, what you feel in your soul. And just from what you shared in this email, it sounds like deep down, you already know, but the thought of breaking up or going your own way…? Just because this woman at the gym likes you doesn’t mean you’re going to end up with her.
The girl that I talked about in my book, we talked for a short period of time and went our separate ways. I have no idea what ever happened with her, but it was just that meeting, that running into her that was life changing for me personally, because it caused me to look at my situation completely differently.
Just like this guy is starting to notice, there’s another woman that’s walked into his life, and he’s just obviously very taken by her beauty. It doesn’t mean he’s going to get together with her and live happily ever after. Maybe he dates her a few times and finds out that she’s not what he thought she was. Or maybe they date for a few years, and same thing happens. He gets bored and he wants to move on.
When you get married, it’s like, how do you know? You know. You feel it internally, it feels right to you. And if it doesn’t feel right, you shouldn’t do it. If you’re in a relationship and you’ve been in it for several years and it doesn’t feel right, you’re not excited about it, and you don’t have enough emotionally compelling feelings or reasons to stay in it, if the feelings and the emotions aren’t there, the heart isn’t there, the fire is not there, you won’t put in the effort to make the relationship spectacular.
And so, do you want an average relationship like most people have, or do you want something spectacular? In order to improve upon wherever you happen to be, you’ve got to create a space for somebody new to come in your life. You don’t want to look for somebody else or explore things with this other woman while you’re still in a relationship, because you would have no integrity, obviously. So, when you say that your girlfriend feels soul draining to be with her, in other words, you’re not making the effort, you don’t feel like making the effort, and you’ve got to examine why that is.
If every part of your inner being is communicating to you that it’s time to move on, a lot of relationships just should end, but most people oftentimes don’t have the guts to end them. And so, if deep down, you know, the best thing to do is to rip the Band-Aid off, pull the plug, so they can heal and move on, and you can heal and move on. And then both of you can create space in your life for somebody new to come in and fill.
You don’t want to stick around just because, but if you’re not feeling it after two and a half years, what’s going to change? Again, you’ve been around each other enough to know that this is what you’re going to get. And the fact that thinking about having a family with this particular woman that you’re with doesn’t feel right to you, you should trust that.
In the past, I learned to act upon those feelings, whereas before I was doing what everybody wanted me to do, and what I thought I should do, and what society says I should do, even though it didn’t feel right. And now we’re basically twenty-five years later, and I don’t have any regrets regarding what I did. Ever since then, in all of the relationships I’ve had since then, I’ve just trusted what felt right.
The same thing when it came to my business partners, just like I talked about in “Mastering Yourself.” When it no longer felt right to be in that business, when it felt like my life path was taking me in a different direction, because I had developed that emotional, and mental, spiritual and physical muscle of listening to my intuition and then acting upon that when I was in my mid-twenties, when I got into my mid-thirties and I no longer had that same passion and enthusiasm for my business and the relationships that I had developed in the business that I was in, it was time to move on. And it was easier to do that because I had a track record of learning to recognize it. When the enthusiasm internally was gone, it was time to move on.
You’ve been with her long enough, you should be either considering maybe potentially having a family down the road, moving in together, getting married, or going your separate ways so you can create something new. So, that’s what I would do if I were you. If you already know, deep down, like I said based on what you wrote, it sounds like Elvis has already left the building. And so, the right thing to do would not to be leaving your girlfriend because you’re hoping to date this other woman, but because you’re following what feels right for you. Because on some level, your soul is communicating to you.
Life happens for you, not to you, and to me it seems like it’s saying that there’s something and someone else coming down the road that you’ve got to create a space for. Because if you don’t create the space, then they’ll come in and go right out of your life, and you’ll miss out on that life experience. The worst thing you can do is stay in a relationship when deep down, you know it’s time to move on.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Life happens for you, not to you. Everyone you meet and interact with has been attracted into your life through your thoughts, desires and actions. People who you instantly click with and feel like you know them already are soul connections that have a gift for you and you for them. However, it doesn’t mean they will be in your life forever. You should trust your heart, curiosity and intuition when it comes to making major decisions about whether or not they should be in or remain in your life. The best teammates have similar goals and values and are easygoing and easy to get along with. Too much friction and drama is a clue to who should stay and who should go.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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