Is This Beta Male Jealousy?

How to know if you are suffering from beta male jealousy or if your woman is untrustworthy.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who was casually dating a woman from Colombia for two months while she was in the US. Now she has been back in Colombia for the past month and they are currently dating long distance. She has referred to him as her boyfriend, but he doesn’t want to be serious yet. He also hears about other guys she is talking to, and she has a Tinder profile but claims it’s inactive.

He’s not sure if she is trustworthy or relationship material and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

He’s still trying to vet her, but it doesn’t seem like he’s ready to get into a relationship. And then, obviously, these things are happening now that she’s away, and he’s trying to figure out, “Am I just being jealous? Or is there really something here I should be concerned about if I’m considering potentially getting into a relationship with her?” So, he brings up some interesting things in his situation.

Way, way, way too many people get caught up on their emotions. And then, once you get carried away with your emotions, red flags just blow by you and you don’t pay attention to them, and you rationalize it away. Because we make our decisions based on emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify our decisions. So, I liked that this guy is cautious. He’s going, “My Spidey sense is tingling a little bit.”

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach, 

I appreciate what you’ve put out into the world and will be giving you a donation.

Well, donations are always appreciated if you’re so inclined. Go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, on the toolbar at the bottom of the screen on any page, just click the Donate button and donate whatever you like. You can do a one time donation, or you can make a recurring monthly donation if you appreciate my content.

I’ve bought all your books and you’ve helped many men like me. Thank you. 

All my books are free to read, especially “How To Be A 3% Man,” which, like most men, this is typically one of the reasons why they come to me in the first place – something’s going sideways in their personal lives. All you have to do is subscribe to the email newsletter, and you can read all my books for free.

I, of course, still have work to do. I’ve read your book well over 15 times at this point. 

Situation: 

I met a woman through friends. She’s 40, and I’m 35. We hit it off initially: good sex, got along great, she treated me like a king, etc. We started dating 3 months ago, (yes, 90 days, so I have the feeling some true colors are starting to show).

People can hide who they are for about the first ninety days of a relationship.

And I followed your advice mostly, except that we hung out A LOT initially because she was visiting from Colombia, (time was limited), and she didn’t have much else going on. (Or I’m guessing this is why.)

Well, if she doesn’t live here and she’s visiting, that’s totally understandable.

She has now been back in Colombia for a month, (we dated 2 months here and have been 1-month long distance). A few weeks ago, she told me she told mutual friends I was her boyfriend, (she told me this twice in the course of a FaceTime date, I think to see how I’d react).

Well, how did you react?

But I did not ask “what she meant,” etc., as you suggest in 3% Man, (I know, I know). I just sort of smiled playfully, (and made a playful offhand remark that I think one of our friends is jealous of our “noviasgo” – which means a bf/gf relationship). So, to say the least, our “status” is muddled and unclear, I think. Though she might not think so. I don’t think I want an official relationship with her, but would like to continue our friendship, preferably with benefits for the sake of abundance.

Plus, she’s in another country, and that gets to be a pain in the butt, because you’re not always going to be able to be together. And if she comes over and stays for several months at a time, there’s a limited amount of time she can stay with you, and then she has to go back.

(And I already have a trip planned and paid for to go visit her in a week.) I would also like to be respectful of her, but I don’t want to be insecure and “need” to define the relationship just to be “honest” and a “good guy,” (something I used to do all the time).

Well, your mindset should be one of, “I’m just going to see how it goes. We’ve only spent two months together, here.” Now she’s that back in Colombia, you don’t know what you don’t know yet. You really don’t know this person. You’re starting to form a picture, but you’ve got to see yourself as the prize. She should be the one winning you over because, quite frankly, you can date plenty of women in the United States. Now, she’s in another country. So, from that perspective, she’s not an ideal prospect.

So, you should have the mindset of, she should be trying to win you over, instead of, like most guys, saying, “What can I do to get her to be my girlfriend?” You kind of want to be like George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life,” where you’re in no rush to settle down with anybody. As a matter of fact, in the movie, he doesn’t really want anything to do with that. But, eventually, Mary wears him down through her feminine beauty and charm.

Long story short, in the last month I’ve found out that she:

• Has a Tinder account, (which she recently admitted to me), though she’s not active on it. 

So she says.

• She went on a lunch date with a guy friend from her gym in Colombia. 

Yeah, well, with those types of things, “Oh, you don’t have to worry about him, he’s just a friend,” he’s just a friend until, oops, he slipped and he ended up inside of her.

• She went for coffee with another guy friend who was visiting for the week. 
• She went for an ice cream and to go around town with the son of her brother’s friend who is occupying a room at her brother’s place for the week, (she’s staying at her brother’s place as well, until she finds a new apartment). I’d say this guy in his 20s. Yes, they’ll be roommates this week. 

Well, the good news is she’s telling you about all these guys. The other thing is that, just like the song “you say he’s just a friend.” In other words, if a woman says, “Oh, you don’t have to worry about him, he’s just a friend,” well, he’s just a friend until something happens between them.

That said, she has never given me a reason to doubt her. When we were in the same city, she was always kind, very attentive, caring, sweet, feminine just a complete package.

But you’ve got to remember this is the first ninety days. She’s giving you who she wants you to think she is ,just like you’re doing it to her. We’re always selling.

She would clean my house, cook for me, always willing to have great sex, she’s submissive, and seemed to really care about what I thought and liked, etc. Not only that, she also openly told me about all these guys she’s been out with recently in Colombia and about her Tinder account.

Well, at the end of the day, you’re not in a committed relationship, even though she’s referring to you as her boyfriend. She’s still letting you know that there’s lots of guys around her.

And she’s also told me about some of her sexual history, which I regret hearing.

Yeah, I’ve talked about this in a few recent videos, and it’s just, you don’t want to know. That’s never a good conversation to have. You don’t want to hear about your potential girlfriend and the other guys that she’s hooked up with in the past.

But that’s beside the point, though it’s likely getting me worked up about these developments. In 3% Man, you advocate playing it cool, (I have so far). In your video newsletters, you’ve mentioned to never get jealous of male orbiters or admirers.

Why would you get jealous if you’re the prize? If she’s trying to win you over, you really don’t care. You want to have the attitude of, you dare her to find somebody better than you. You want to be in a position where she’s chasing and pursuing you and trying to win you over. If you’re worried about her potential male orbiters, then that means you’re focused on seeking her attention and validation, instead of letting her seek your attention and validation.

And if she’s got lots of male orbiters, that should be something that should give you pause on getting into a relationship with her. Because you should be looking at it as, hey, she’s a part time friends of benefits, really, at this point. She hasn’t proven herself over time that she earned it, especially with what’s been going on since she’s been back. So, she hasn’t proven that she deserves your monogamy or your exclusivity, even though she’s hinting at it, because you don’t give that to just anybody.

This would only expose my insecurity, so I haven’t played the jealousy card, but in recent video newsletters, and I believe in Quotes, Ruminations and Contemplations, you mention that if a woman is seeing other guys for coffee or lunch dates as “friends,” it usually means she’s lining guys up in case our “relationship,” (again, in my eyes it’s not official), goes under. 

Yeah, the other thing you’ve got to keep in mind is she’s telling you about all these other guys, because if it doesn’t work out with you and her, she’s going to monkey branch or give these guys the green light. So, you have to assume she’s hedging her bets. But again, you shouldn’t be trying to convince her to be your girlfriend. She should be trying to convince you. And these should be the kinds of things where you go, “Yeah, I’m not really excited about boyfriend and girlfriend with somebody that’s got all these thirsty guys in her life.”

These are the things where you go, “Oh, really? Oh, how do you know him? Oh, yeah. Have you guys ever dated? So, you’re just friends? What’s your relationship like?” You want to be like Sherlock Holmes, just kind of nonchalant. You’re not threatened in any way. You’re just trying to find out what’s going on. Is she a confident woman or does she keep lots of thirsty dudes around because she’s insecure and needs backup in case it doesn’t work out with you or any other primary guy?

You’re trying to determine what her character is like and what she’s like when you’re not around. And based on what you’ve shared, I would have to assume that these guys definitely want to get in her pants. They’re not there because they just want to wax their car, or fix their clogged toilet, or be her “pal” and go out for coffee.

Is she simply signaling me to define this relationship? Or is she simply not someone who’s trustworthy? I believe your advice will hinge on whether her and I are in an exclusive relationship. And if so, I should not tolerate that kind of behavior.

Well, you don’t have enough information or enough time in with her to know whether or not she warrants you giving her the gift of exclusivity, especially with these dudes around. There’s no reason to get upset or pissed off about it, because if she thinks it’s bothering you, she’ll just stop telling you about it. And so, you want her to think that everything’s cool, so you can get an idea of her character.

But like I said, just based on what you shared, it looks like she’s got lots of male orbiters. Do you want to get into a monogamous relationship with a girl who has lots of orbiters? Or would you just like to keep her as a casual friends with benefits, fuck buddy, occasional sex playmate? But you have to assume that you’re not the only guy. It’s obvious there’s other men in her life. And what the real nature of their relationship is, you don’t know, but you have to assume that they definitely want to get in her pants, if they haven’t been in it already.

But since we’re not, I should put up or shut up and recognize my current feelings of jealousy, (because they’re there), for what they are: beta insecurities, (hypocritical ones at that). Nevertheless, I wanted your opinion and advice. Should I mention something to her regarding her lunch/coffee/ice cream dates?

I wouldn’t say anything. Because again, you’re the gift, you’re the prize, you’re the one. She should be trying to win you over. And when you hear things like this in your mind, you should go, “Yeah, I don’t think I’m going to get exclusive with a girl that’s behaving this way or that has all these dudes around her like this.”

Because those guys will always be there, and if things ever go sideways in your relationship, especially if you’re going to do long distance, if she thinks the future of your relationship is in doubt, she’ll be hanging out with those guys. Do you really want that? Do you really want to commit to somebody like that, especially when they’re in another country? I don’t think so. I wouldn’t.

Should I define the relationship before I do so?

No. Again, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? You’re still in the vetting process now, she’s in another country, and now she’s shared a bunch of things with a bunch of male orbiters that are in her life, and I wouldn’t be so excited about getting into a relationship or even considering her for a relationship.

And if she asks or brings it up, say, “Nah, I want to keep dating other people. You’re there, you’ve got all these guys that you’re hanging out with. Obviously, some of them are probably interested in you. These guys all don’t want to hang out with you just because they like your personality. They want to get in your pants.” It’s like, “I’m not dumb. I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck yesterday.”

Or should I let her bring it up again?

Yeah, I wouldn’t bring it up at all.

I’d like to have a smooth visit to Colombia to see her, (even if just as friends, though our relationship has been a very sexual one).

Yeah, your mind should just be, “I’m going to see my fuck buddy, my sex playmate.” Not that you’re going to tell her that that’s how you refer to her. Again, you’re like, “I’m just going to check it out and see how it is. I’m going to see the country. I’m going to get a little Colombian chocha. I’ve got a great tour guide.” It’s a nice little love affair while you’re there. It’s like, enjoy it. Hang out, have fun, hook up. It doesn’t say “hang out, have fun, convince her to be in a relationship with you,” because that’s not your wheelhouse.

But above all I don’t want drama.

Yeah, like I said, I wouldn’t bring anything up.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, Coach. I hope this might be useful for your newsletter. 

Best,

Bob

So, like I said, I’d just treat it casual, keep it casual. I wouldn’t be in a rush to get into an exclusive relationship with a girl in Columbia who’s got lots of male orbiters around her. I mean, you’ve read my book fifteen times, and you have to see reality as it is. And like I said, based on the evidence, I would assume that these guys want to get in her pants, and she keeps them around in case things don’t work out with you or any other guy that she might be considering being in an exclusive relationship with. You don’t know what you don’t know.

You go there, who knows. Maybe she’ll introduce you to some of these guys and you’ll be able to read their body language. I mean, you read “How To Be A 3% Man” fifteen times. You’ll be able to tell what’s really going on with these guys, and then you can make an informed, intelligent decision later, once you get some more data. But don’t be in a rush. I wouldn’t be. Even if you go there and things are great, I wouldn’t commit to being boyfriend-girlfriend, especially with this stuff going on.

So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.

“All long-term romances start out as casual love affairs. Men who have choices and options and who love and value themselves are going to properly vet their relationship prospects over time. People can hide who they are for about the first ninety days of a relationship. Everyone is selling the version of themselves that they want others to believe that they are. It’s only after many months of spending time together that a clear picture of who they really are can be accurately determined. Never be in a rush to commit to anyone who has not earned it slowly over time.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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