Is This Relationship Salvageable With A Single Mom?

How to determine if your relationship is salvageable with a single mom who’s always busy.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s clearly just an option and part time booty call to his single mom girlfriend of two years. She’s always busy and unavailable to see him due to commitments with her kids. She doesn’t involve him in her kids lives because she said that’s marriage things.

The reality is her interest is low and he doesn’t realize she’s just not that into him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who has been with his girlfriend of two years, and it’s pretty clear that he’s not involved with his girlfriend’s kids. I think he’s met him. Other than that, like sporting events and stuff like that, the reason she says that she doesn’t invite him is, “Oh, those are marriage things.” So if they were married, he would go to the games. The reality is, I don’t know if this guy is new to my work or has ever read 3% Man yet, doesn’t look like it, but she’s just not that into him and he’s not that important to her, because if she was head over heels in love with this guy and thought he was the man, he would be a stepdad to their kids. The fact that she keeps him at arm’s length, she’s hardly ever available, she’s always got these things going on with her kids, he’s not invited, it’s clear that she doesn’t want him around her kids because she doesn’t perceive him really as a stepdad, and certainly doesn’t seem like she considers him as somebody that she’s going to marry. So it looks like he’s always trying to get together with her, and the reality is she’s just got low interest. It’s basically like he’s an occasional booty call when she’s free. So he wants to save this relationship, but he sees things as better than they really are.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’m struggling with whether I should attempt to salvage my two-year relationship with a single mom. 

Obviously the guys in the red pill community would be like, “Oh, you’ll never be a priority because of the kids.” From their perspective, if they’re experiencing something like this guy is, that would make sense, but the reality is her interest is low. She doesn’t admire this guy. She doesn’t respect him. She doesn’t look up to him. She doesn’t want him co-parenting with her.

When I was younger, I’ve always been great with kids, and anytime I dated a woman that had kids, they always wanted me around them because I’m like a big kid myself. Quite frankly, if you guys are familiar with my work, you read 3% Man, then you know that it was one of the best experiences of my life, getting to be a stepdad to our little munchkin for all those years. The best years of their lives are like when they’re five until they’re about 12. When they start to turn 13, when they kind of start to become teenagers and start to realize that, “Oh, mom and dad don’t really know everything,” and they don’t want to listen and they want to rebel. So I got to be a stepdad for some of the best times. Now she’s all grown up, she’s almost 30, she’s got a couple kids of her own. She’s a great mom, and we’re all proud of how she turned out. Her whole family, like all of my girlfriends, girlfriend’s brothers, her uncles, her aunts, her cousins, they all had kids around the same age. It’s like when we go and do Disney things, it was just an absolute blast because there would be six or eight adults and like 10 or 12 kids going to Disney World, that’s a lot of fun.

If you love kids and you’re family-oriented, it’s a blast. It’s an absolute gift. It’s one of the best things a man could ever experience, but if you’ve been dating a woman for two years and she never lets you around her kids, well that’s because she doesn’t feel safe and comfortable enough. She doesn’t see you as a stepdad to them, and that is not a situation you want to be in. If you’re being treated like a booty call or a friends with benefits, well then you need to change the terms of your relationship.

Usually women typically anywhere from two to six months is when they’ll start letting you come around their kids, but with me, I think it was like the second or third date, my girlfriend that had the daughter, that was one of the first things that she told me because a lot of guys, as soon as they find out, “Oh, I’ve got a daughter who is five and a half,” at the time, I was like, “That’s great! I love kids!” I mean, I mentored and coached at-risk kids when I was in my late 20s through a local Catholic church in downtown Orlando, and that was a great experience. So I had a really good time. It’s a good experience.

Just being family-oriented, I learned a lot when we were together and even years after when we still weren’t together, I would take her daughter for the day and take her to Disney, Sea World or those things and just have fun, because I loved her and I wanted her to be happy. I wanted to contribute to her life, and I wanted to help her grow. I wanted to teach her as many of the things that I knew about life and success as I possibly could, because I knew it would shape and change her destiny for the better. Like I said, it’s an incredible gift, but if you’re two years down the road like this guy is, you never see her kids and you hardly ever see her, you’re a booty call. You’re not that important to her. It’s all interest, and her interest is low in this guy and he’s only paying attention to how he feels about her. Maybe he’s new to my work, he doesn’t really say, but he’s way more into her than she is into him, because it looks like he’s always trying to get her to do something and she’s just always too busy or I’m jammed up for the next couple of weeks.

Again, the guys in the red pill community just say, “Well, you’ll never be a priority.” If she’s head over heels in love with you, you’re always going to be together. As a matter of fact again, if you love being a dad or a stepdad, we always would feel guilty when we left her at home or left her with her grandparents or one of her aunts and uncles, because when she was young, she took it as rejection because we took her everywhere. I mean, we lived together, we hung out all the time, we were a family, we went to the plays at school and stuff. Again, those are some of the most precious memories of my life when she was little and I was being a stepdad. Again, it was a gift, and it was within a few months of us dating that I was involved with her daughter, her family and her parents, and things moved along pretty quickly. Even after we split up, because of the bond that I had with her and her family, we still look at each other like we’re kind of family. When I do see her family, we still tell each other “I love you” and tight hugs. Even though sometimes it might be years in between when we see each other and that’s completely different than what this guy’s got.

So what this guy is doing is he’s in a relationship with a woman that has really low interest in him, and he has no idea. That’s the real issue. He’s got to figure out what he’s doing and saying that is turning her off and causing her not to want to involve him in her kids life. The other thing is, he has to love kids and want to be around the children and be a stepdad and has a blast with him, and I don’t see any evidence in here. He says her kids are great, but I don’t see any evidence that he’s actually close to them other than maybe he’s met him a couple of times. Again, if you’re with a woman for two years and you’ve barely seen her kids, you’re just not that important to her. That’s the thing that the red pill guys have a hard time with, is they want to blame the woman for it, when in reality they’re not showing up in a way that she feels safe and comfortable enough to involve them in the lives of her kids anyway. Those guys are basically like this dude is, a glorified booty call.

She’s beautiful, smart and has wonderful kids, but I find myself in a one-sided relationship where she only seems to fit me into her schedule when it’s convenient to her.

Yeah again, she’s keeping you at arm’s length because you’re a booty call. You’re not a boyfriend.

This shit is just wearing on me to the point where I’ve stopped caring. I bet I saw her maybe 7%-10% of the year due to her kids’ schedules, work, weekend things, trips, etc. She says that kid stuff like sports, school events, birthdays, are off-limits because they are, “Marriage things.”

Well, those are only things that happen when she feels safe with you and she trusts you being around her kids. If you’re never around her kids and these things are off limits, it’s like sorry, bro. She’s not that into you. She doesn’t feel safe with you. She doesn’t trust you around her children, and that’s a you problem.

More recently, she has had a lot of things come up that have been placing a ton of pressure on her (Family health items, baby-daddy drama, looking for a new job, etc).

Again, these are the excuses covering up the fact that she’s got low interest. He’s an occasional booty call. She keeps him at arm’s length and she just he’s not that important to her. That’s why she won’t make time for him. If she’s head over heels in love with him and they’re a family, she’s going to want him there all the time. Birthdays, sporting events, everything. The excuse that, “It’s just marriage things,” again covering up and making a logical sounding excuse for why she just doesn’t want him around her kids.

I know these are all real stressors to just about anyone, especially a single working mom with kids.

However, she started to become distant and has treated me with less respect over the past few months so I pulled back. More recently, since I haven’t been getting back to her as quickly and not available at her beck and call for a phone call/emotional support it has gotten worse.

Yeah, it sounds like he’s kind of become a Frankenstein boyfriend project to her, or he’s part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project. She doesn’t see him very often in person, but likes talking to him on the phone. When you’re doing that, you’re really just kind of friends and an occasional fuck buddy. That’s not a real relationship because again, you’re not a priority to her, and after two years, I would say that probably the damage is done and you’re not that important to her.

I’ll wait until I get to the end of the email and I’ll tell this guy what he really needs to do.

The other night I called her out on her tone and attitude while catching up with her on Christmas Day and she essentially justified how she treated me.

Well, if you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch.

I asked her to check herself and to not talk to me that way. She got heated and then I said if she didn’t start treating me with respect and to be kind, caring and loving, I would hang up. Eventually I had to tell her I was hanging up and said goodbye.

Well, she doesn’t respect your authority. You left, which is the correct response, so good job on standing up to her because you’re not going to tolerate abuse, especially from a woman you hardly ever see.

She is mostly upset with the fact she wanted me to be there for her and she’s hurt about my lack of availability and support.

Again, you got to have a relationship in person, not over the phone. You’re not looking for a phone chip or a digital pen pal. That’s just an absolute fucking waste of your time as a man.

I’ve then mentioned that I’d be happy to get together but she’s busy, etc and suggests we just talk on the phone.

Yeah, so she wants to use you as an emotional tampon and she doesn’t like and care about you enough to want to see you in person. So it sounds like you’re mostly kind of just friends at this point, since you haven’t seen each other in who knows how long. I mean, it’s Christmas. This is your girlfriend of two years, and you don’t get together for Christmas? My girlfriend, when we were together as a family, we were together with her whole family for the holidays, and her family was huge. Like they would get together and kind of do like a potluck for Thanksgiving and on Christmas. It was like over 100 people there, and it was an absolute blast, tons of kids, just everybody having a great time. Then we go back to her parents’ house, everybody opens presents, we watch the kids open presents. It’s so fun watching kids open their toys. “Oh wow, I got an aircraft carrier! It’s amazing!” Those were good times. If you’re not included in that, you’re just not that important to her.

There’s been a lot of things stewing between us which I won’t go into detail, but we’re essentially at the point where we are both unhappy with each other and the relationship.

Well, it’s not really a relationship anymore. It sounds like more of a friendship.

I did reach out to her and asked to get together to discuss, but she’s, “Just so busy the next two weeks.”

In other words, you’re not important. If your girlfriend of two years is too busy to see you for the next two weeks, you don’t have a girlfriend. You have a friend who you used to have some benefits with, but you know she’s not even making herself available to get together in person.

I asked her to check her schedule and get back to me and left it at that. The ball is in her court.

I’d like your perspective on three things:

1. What are a few concrete ways to evaluate whether a relationship is worth salvaging or working on?

Well, the bottom line is you look at her actions. You got to read the book, dude. You can’t half ass it watching videos. It’s just not going to work for you, because if you date another woman who has children and you continue to behave the same way you are now, which is probably mostly in very unattractive ways, the same thing is going to happen. If a woman is with you, because they vote with their feet, it means she voted for you. If she’s not, well you’re just a friend. If you’re never seeing her and you’re not hooking up, well then you’re just her buddy, her pal and her emotional tampon that she calls when she’s lonely, but still, she doesn’t want you coming over. Under normal circumstances, even if things were kind of strained, she’d put the kids to bed and have you come over later and spend the night and maybe you get up and you leave early in the morning before the kids get up, but she still wants to see you. In this case again, if you’re seeing your girlfriend once or twice a month, that’s not a relationship.

The other thing is, what kind of effort is she making? She doesn’t have time for you, so you’re not in a relationship. I would look at her as just one of the girls you could potentially date and hook up with occasionally. I would never call her. I would never text her. I’d never reach out to her. If she does, say, “Well, let’s get together,” and she says, “Oh, I just want to talk.” I would be like, “Well, I haven’t seen you in a month. So this is not really a real relationship anymore. At this point, we’re really more just friends.” What I would do in this situation, I would say, “You know, I’m going to start dating other people because this is not really going anywhere. We hardly ever see each other as it is. We can just be friends with benefits, fuck buddies, sex playmates. When you’re available and you’re down to hook up or see me, give me a call. If I’m available at night, you can come over. Other than that, it’s not really going anywhere. I’ve given this two years and you’re not making any effort. So I’m going to start dating other women,” and she’s like, “Oh no, no, no, don’t do that,” then be like, “Well then you need to come see me and we can talk about in person.” “Oh, the next two weeks I’m busy.” It’s like, “If you can’t see me for two weeks, again, I’m going to date other women. This is not working out for me, but we can be friends with benefits. Just give me a call when you’re available and we can get together and hook up, but when I find somebody that’s single and ready to mingle and makes her schedule available to me, I’m going to get serious with her and I’m not going to be able to see you anymore. So I just want you to understand this is going to work for a limited time as friends with benefits. When I find somebody that I really jive with, it’s going to be over. I’m just being honest with you”

2. You mention a lot about “An attraction problem,” being the issue to most relationships that go sideways, but wondering if I should suggest couples therapy or revert back to hang out, have fun, and hook up in order to keep things simple?

Well, couples therapy is not going to help you when she doesn’t even want to see you in person. You’re assuming that she wants to make the effort, but you’re completely ignoring the fact she makes no effort to spend time with you or accommodate you. It seems like she’s mostly just annoyed with you and really wants to keep you around as an emotional tampon. Who knows? maybe she’s fucking somebody else at this point, you don’t really know. The bottom line is she ain’t hanging out with you. She won’t see you. She won’t make time for you. Christmas came and went and you didn’t even see her. So you don’t have a girlfriend, dude. Your relationship, if it ever really was that, it ended a long time ago. Again, if it really even got to that point, maybe she locked you up exclusively, but she never made time to see you, so she wanted to keep you as an exclusive booty call. Other than that, you just weren’t that important to her.

Again, you got to read the book. If you’re not going to read the book, well you’re kind of wasting your time here because you don’t take yourself, your life or your success serious. You’re not going to be able to fix this just cherry picking shit in videos because you don’t have a clue what you’re doing.

3. When she gives me her availability, do I expect her to come to my place to make it right (She already said she wouldn’t come here)…

I would be like, “OK.” Again, she wants you to do everything on her terms, which you’ve probably been jumping through your butt for two years to do because you’re too much of a pussy to stand up to her. That’s the bottom line. I know it’s harsh, but this is where it’s at, dude. You’re locked up in a relationship with a woman who, quite frankly, you’re just kind of an afterthought to.

…And make it up to me, or agree to something more neutral?

Well, I wouldn’t go to her. If she wants to see you, she can come to your house. It needs to be on your terms at this point.

If I’m being honest, we both have messed up to some degree but I’ll be damned if I give away any more power to her. I’m really struggling with whether I’m just delaying the inevitable or may find myself with misaligned intent to house-wife this particular woman.

Salvage Operator (Bob)

Yeah, you’re not even in the ballpark of considering her to be a relationship material or be a girlfriend. It looks like you used to be her booty call, but now you’ve just been relegated to occasional emotional tampon when she’s lonely or needs somebody to vent to, and that’s not what you signed up for.

Again, if it were me, I wouldn’t call her. I would let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. Next time you hear from her, say, “Hey you! I’d love to see you. When are you free to get together?” And invite her over to make dinner at your place. She says, “I’m not coming over,” just say, “You know, it’s been a long week. I’m just in the mood to hang at my place. If you don’t want to come over, make dinner and hang out together, then give me a call in a couple of weeks and maybe I’ll be up for meeting you out then or coming over. You got to make more of an effort and I haven’t seen you in a long time. It’s not really a real relationship and it’s not working for me. I want you to understand that I’m going to date other women going forward. I don’t consider you my girlfriend because again, we don’t really have a relationship. It’s not moving anywhere, but you know what? until I find a girl who’s single and ready to mingle, we can be fuck buddies. So when you’re down to hook up, give me a call. Other than that, that’s all I can offer you at this point because based on your actions and your lack of effort, that’s all I’m willing to do.” If she starts getting uppity and nasty with you, just say, “Look, the other thing is, you got to be nice to me. If you’re going to be a bitch to me on the phone like you’re being right now, I don’t want to fucking talk to you. I don’t want to hear from you. You’re not adding any value in my life. I don’t need this shit. You’re going to treat me with respect or don’t ever call me again.” Simple as that.

The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. So she needs to come to you on your terms. Again, if she’s just a booty call, you treat her like a booty call. That means you’re not interested in going to her house, being a part of her life or taking her out on dates. If she wants to see you, she can come over to your place in the evening, you can make dinner together, and you can hook up when she’s available because again, she claims to only be available to see you once or twice a month. So I’m not spending money on a woman like that, I’m not taking her to dinner, I’m not trying to date and court her. We can smash and then she can stay the night or she can go home. It’s up to her. If she wants more than that, well she’s going to have to make way more of an effort, but as far as you’re concerned, you’re fuck buddies and the onus is on her to reach out to you when she’s available and you’ll invite her over, and if she can’t make it, it’s like, “Hey, call me when you can. I’m not interested in sitting on the phone listening to you drone on for three hours about what’s going on in your life. If you want to see me or talk to me, you can do it in person. Again, we can be fuck buddies, friends with benefits. I’m not interested in being your emotional tampon on the telephone. You can call one of your other beta male friends and guy friends and do that with them. I’m over it.” That’s what I would do if I were you.

Again, this “relationship” ended a long time ago. You’re just the last one to figure it out, and probably the reason why she’s kind of still keeping you around is she’s looking for somebody else. She may be going out on dates with somebody else, you don’t really know. When a woman only wants to see you once or twice a month, you’re an occasional booty call. If you’re always going to her when the kids aren’t around, again that’s what you are, a booty call. So treat her the same way she’s treating you. Just be brutally honest with it. Rip the band-aid off and just tell her the terms and conditions under which you’re willing to still hang out with her. Simple as that. She’s got to be nice, she’s got to be easygoing, easy to get along with. If she wants to be a bitch, you’re just going to hang up on her and not see her or talk to her and you’re going to date other women.

You need to pull your head out of your ass. You need to read the book. I mean, it’s free to read in the Members Area of the website. All you got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter. Again, if you’re watching this, you should be a paying member. Maybe you’re a paying member on YouTube or Spotify, but not the website. Again, it’s free to read on the website. Just put your name and your email and the book will open up right in your web browser and you can read it. You got to figure out what the hell you were doing wrong that caused things to be two years down the road with a woman, and you only see her once or twice a month. So that’s where you’re at, my man. “Booty call or leave me the hell alone,” would be my attitude. Friends with benefits, “You got to have a good attitude. I’m not going to get together with you if you’re going to be bitchy and nasty to me. I’m just going to tell you to go on down the road and I’m going to talk to somebody else,” because at the end of the day, you’re doing her a favor. She’s the one with the crazy life and the kids and everything. Again, if she really loved you and saw you as a potential stepdad to her kids, you’d be with them all the time. You’d be a family. Like I was with my girlfriend when her daughter was young all those years ago. So that’s where you’re at, dude. Sorry to tell you the bad news, but it’s much better to figure out where you’re at than to keep this bullshit fantasy going.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.