Is Timing Or Low Interest The Reason She Declined A 2nd Date?

How to tell if timing or low interest is the real reason she declined a second date.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss another email from the viewer whose previous success story I answered in, Successful Pickup In A Nightclub Setting. He matched with a girl he hadn’t seen since middle school on Hinge dating app. They hooked up at her house during their first date. He texted her the next day to ask for a second date, but she didn’t know her schedule. She continued texting him throughout the day.

A week later she reached out saying she was too busy studying for the BAR exam and couldn’t make any time now or in the near future for a date. He asks what happened. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is an update from a guy whose previous success story I answered, and this video newsletter seemed to go all the way back to 2018. So it was quite some time ago, Successful Pickup In A Nightclub Setting.

Most recently, he says he matched with a girl that he hadn’t seen since elementary and middle school. I guess they lost contact after middle school. So he ends up seeing her on the Hinge dating app. They had a first date and things went so well. She’s doing 80% of the talking. She invited him over, and he says he believes he won a gold medal in the Indoor Olympics. Then she’s asked him as he was leaving if she was going to get a second date, and he told her that he would get in touch with her for a date next week.

So the very next day, he texted her trying to set a date for the following week. She’s unsure of her schedule. He tells her to get back to him. A week later, she gets back to him and just says she’s basically too busy studying for the BAR exam in another state. I guess she’s getting licensed in a second state. She’s an attorney, and she’s not sure when she’s going to have time to get together for a date, and she doesn’t want to make dates and then have to break them. So now he’s wondering what the hell happened.

So let’s go through his email

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I was the guy that you did a past video on a while ago called Successful Pickup In A Nightclub Setting, and was the success story in that video, so thanks for your work. Anyways, my situation is somewhat unique I think, but I’m sure you could be the judge of that. I’m 26 years old now still living in Boston.

Recently, I went on a date with a girl that I had known since elementary school/middle-school, but hadn’t talked to since then. She is a very smart and successful lawyer and is older than me by about a year. Overall through the whole process she made it very easy to set the first date and I kept contact very minimal and set a definite date. Like you say, the phone is for setting dates.

Long story short, the first date went fantastic. I played it cool and let her do 80% of the talking and eventually it resulted in her inviting me back to her place after the date for “Wine and a movie,” wink wink. I think I got a gold medal in the indoor Olympics that night.

Maybe. Maybe not.

She actually asked me before I left if she was “Gonna get a second date,” with me and seemed excited to hang out again. I told her I had a busy schedule but would hit her up again to “Plan something next week,” as I typically try and stick to one date per week, especially toward the beginning phases. I texted her the next evening…

That’s kind of soon, because the way you worded it made you sound like you’re going to get in touch with her next week. Then when you text her the very next night, it makes you look pretty eager.

The idea is you’re trying to go slower than she is. If you come on too strong, too much, too soon, maybe acted a little dopey on the date, maybe you said some things that you shouldn’t have said because you had a little too much to drink, talked about your feelings too much, those kinds of things, got to keep your game tight. I wouldn’t have texted her the very next night because again, the way you phrase it makes it sound like, “Oh, I’ll get in touch with you next week. I’m really busy.” Yet you text her the very next day or the very next night.

It’s important, as a man, that you’re congruent with what you say. If you tell somebody you’re going to get in touch with them in a week and then within 24 hours you’re actually reaching out way earlier, that shows you’re pretty eager, and if her interest in you is kind of borderline mediocre, that may be all it takes. Maybe you came off as a little dopey, that you liked her way more than she liked you. Not really sure, but we got to look for some clues here in this email because obviously she took a step back and he’s kind of surprised by it all. I would say that’s the first thing I noticed. You told her you’re going to get in touch with her next week. Then instead, you didn’t even hold out 24 hours, you texted her trying to make another date.

…Saying I enjoyed my time with her and asked her when she was available for next week. She said she would let me know and I said, “OK, get back to me when you know your schedule.” She then started texting me more later that day about random things, but I kept it very minimal as my schedule is actually very busy as a therapist.

Yeah, if you’re in and out of appointments all day long with clients that are laying on the couch, so to speak, the therapist’s couch, you’re not going to be able to stop to chit-chat and text throughout the day.

It’s also possible he said or did something to put his foot in his mouth, because when a girl says she’s not sure of her schedule, but then she keeps texting you and she wants to chit-chat, I would have just said something along the lines of, “Hey, can’t really talk right now. I’m in appointments all throughout the day, but let me know when your schedule you figure it out. I’d love to see you. I got to run. Talk to you later!” Just letting her know that you, in other words, hopefully on the date, ideally, you should have told her what you did or probably would have gotten to that. If a woman starts wanting to text you all throughout the day, and then maybe she took it as you’re a little cold, a little aloof, or maybe you said something in there that you shouldn’t have said, that maybe you tried to crack a joke and it didn’t land really well, if you’re leaving after you hooked up with a girl and she’s wondering if she’s going to see you again, it’s either she really does want to see you again but she’s worried you’re just after a booty call or she’s really insecure. Who knows? Maybe she got a little butt-hurt.

Again, if you’re applying what’s in the book, it’s going to bring out the best of the best really quick, and the worst of the worst. Sometimes if you’re dealing with an insecure girl and you’re not willing to chit-chat with her all day long, they get a little pissed off and then they’ll ghost you, or they’ll dip on you as a way or just not see you again, which is ideally what you want anyways, if she’s not easygoing, easy to get along with, notice how easy she was to play in the first date. Made herself available. Boom! They had a date and hooked up. Now the second date she’s going, “Ahh yeah, I don’t know my schedule, but hey, let’s chit-chat on the phone for a while.”

Here is where the issue presents itself: As a lawyer, she is currently practicing in my state, but is taking the BAR exam for another state as well. She just started studying for it the day after our date and has gone this whole week studying heavily while also working in her job. I got a text from her today seeming very apologetic and nervous saying she really wants to see me, but realized after starting her studies that her schedule was absolutely brutal and she can’t commit to any dates either next week or in the near future and wants to respect my time and not have to cancel on me constantly.

So I assume maybe they made a date but she cancelled or backed up. Or maybe she’s just saying she doesn’t want to make a date and cancel. It’s not really clear with the way he worded this.

This of course sucks, but I responded with, “Thanks for letting me know. I definitely was looking forward to seeing you again, but I understand and hope everything goes well with your exam.” I also added that if she does, “Need a break from work, that I’d be happy to hang.” I told her to feel free to stay in touch because I wanted to leave the door open while putting the ball in her court.

Yeah, you want want to make it easy for her to either follow through on her plans and commitments. In other words, let’s assume in a perfect world, she really is being honest and she’s just too busy to make a date with him because she’s trying to pass the BAR exam in another state. If that’s the case, then at some point, she’ll reach back out. It’s also possible that she just had a breakup and is kind of in a rebound situation and the other guy is coming into and out of her life. So that could be a little bit of the hot and cold behavior. She wants to make you think she’s still interested. Yet when you try to set a date, she will be unavailable. In other words, she’ll call you and want to text and chit-chat on the phone, but when it comes to making a date, she’ll just tell you that she’s unsure of her schedule, because really what’s going on is she’s trying to keep you warm while she tries to figure out what’s going on with the other guy, whether it’s going to work or not work.

If you take a step back from the situation, is she making it easy to get together on a date or not? In this case, she’s not. Remember, she said she didn’t know her schedule because she was so busy, but yet she wanted to chit-chat and text throughout the day. So something’s a little off there. It may be that there’s another guy and she’s just trying to stir the pot to keep him interested long enough so she can resolve her situation with this other guy because again, she’s throwing obstacles in his way when he’s trying to set a date. She’s not making it easy to get together.

Women who really like you will make time for you. Women that don’t or they’re preoccupied with someone or something else will kind of leave you hanging and make promises of more later and tell you that they’re unsure of their schedule, but they’ll stay in contact just trying to keep you as a warm lead, if you will.

She hearted the message on text and said she was “Grateful for me understanding her situation,” and I left it at that. She also is no longer present on my Hinge so I assumed she deleted it because she’s not dating anymore currently and focusing on studying, but she could have unmatched me as well, but I don’t see a reason she’d do that necessarily. Who knows?

The other thing I consider is maybe the sex wasn’t so great, but then again, she did suggest at the end of the night wondering if she’s going to see him again. The way she acts, she kind of acts like she’s got some other guy that she’s still trying to resolve things with. So when she did tell him about wondering if she was going to see him again or that she would like to see him again, she meant that in the moment, but it’s quite possible the very next day the other guy got in touch, and now she’s all confused and discombobulated because maybe it will work out with the other guy after all, but she doesn’t want to tell this dude that she’s completely out, so she kind of leaves him hanging. Again, if we take a step back and we bottom line her actions, she said she wanted to see him again, but yet she’s basically put plans on hold or making plans with him on hold indefinitely, and blames it on her studying for the BAR exam.

Again, attraction level cuts through everything. If she’s super attracted, super interested, she’ll make time despite the fact that she’s got to study. She’ll even bring some of her books over and spend the night at your place and study at your house after you obviously have the indoor Olympics and some nice dinner and things of that nature. The bottom line is she’s not willing to make time for you, but she wants you to think she still is interested. She doesn’t want to close the door on things, but the fact that she disappeared him from Hinge, either she’s off the app or she unmatched with him because she maybe she didn’t like something he said in text. That’s quite possible, but he’s made it easy for her to follow through on what she says. In other words, we’re going to assume that she’s being honest and being truthful. If she just really is too busy, then maybe down the road she’ll get in touch. In other words, you got to give women the time and space to either follow through on their plans and their commitments to you, or to flake out and disappear from your life forever.

Like I said, we don’t really know if she unmatched with him on purpose or she just hid her profile because she’s too busy. If she decided she doesn’t want to see him again, she may have just been letting him down easily for whatever reason. Maybe he said something in that text exchange that he didn’t reveal and put his foot in his mouth, maybe tried to crack a joke and it offended her. Maybe she got butt-hurt and upset. We just don’t know. The bottom line is she’s not making it easy to get together. So on to the next prospect, because the right girl will make it easy for you. Girls with low interest or messy situations, this is kind of what you get. You’re looking for the, “Hell yeah, I’d love to go out with you! Hell, yeah, I’d love to see you again!”

My question is: Is this a matter of terrible timing with her exam giving her new stress in life and taking her focus off dating?

It’s possible it could go either way. We really don’t know. We don’t have enough information. There’s not enough data. Overall, the texting afterwards and the trying to set up another date, you did the right thing, but it’s pretty clear she was not willing to make an effort to see you. If she really wanted to see you, she could make time for you, but she didn’t.

Or did I fuck up somewhere I’m just not seeing?

Well like I said, I wouldn’t have texted her the very next night when you told her you were going to get in touch the next week. That makes you look a little needy and a little overeager. If you were behaving that way, maybe you said a little too much on your date, maybe talked about how much you liked her or what you were feeling for her, or maybe you said some things in that text exchange the the next day when you were trying to set a second date, everything seemed good when you left. Then again, she could have been buzzed, but she did try to have a little bit of a conversation with you the next day, so things seem to kind of go sideways after that. Or maybe the reason why she tried to keep texting after she told you she’d let let you know, is that she’s trying to let you down easily, so we’ll know in about 30 days.

If you don’t hear from her in 30 days, then you’ll know that she dipped for whatever reason. It’s also possible in a few months you hear back from her and then you just make the next date. That’s why not burning a bridge is a good philosophy to have because you never know. You’ll forget about a girl like this in a few months, and all of a sudden she’ll pop back up when you got two or three other girls that you’re talking to at the same time, and it’s kind of nice because it just gives you an extra choice.

I’m an avid follower of your work with a history of success but this one has me at a loss.

Thanks, Coach. I know this email is a little long, so you can shorten it in the video if you’d like and get to the meat and potatoes of my predicament.

All the best and thanks for changing lives!

Bob

Yeah, like I said, it’s any of those possibilities. You put your foot in your mouth on the text when trying to set the second date up, or the sex was bad, or there’s another guy in the picture and she didn’t want you to lose hope and give up. In other words, she could come back to you later if it doesn’t work out with the other guy. It’s quite possible she just really is too busy. At the end of the day, if she was super into you, despite the fact that she’s got it. In other words, what she’s really saying is, “I’d rather study for a boring BAR exam in another state than hang out with you and do more kissy-poo and the indoor Olympics.” That’s what’s more important to her at this point.

Women vote with their feet. If she voted for the BAR exam, well she’s more into the BAR exam than she is you. That’s why I’d give it no more energy. You left it the right way. If she reaches out, make a second date, see what happens. Hang out, have fun, hook up.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.