It’s Beta To Feel Threatened By Her Ex’s Potentially Stealing Her Back

Why it’s beta to feel threatened that her ex’s might steal her back from you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 26 year old viewer who is dating a 21 year old woman. Her ex was a fighter pilot who dumped her. A 2^nd ex also dumped her. He feels threatened and intimidated that the fighter pilot might come back and steal her away from him. He’s also worried about her 2^nd ex and that he might steal her away from him also. He asks my opinion.” My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “It’s Beta To Feel Threatened By Her Ex’s Potentially Stealing Her Back.”

So I’ve got an email from a guy who’s 26, kind of young. He’s dating a hot 21 year old. And this 21 year old woman had, I guess she’s had two boyfriends. The first one was a fighter pilot who later dumped her, and she was really crushed by that. And the second one was a guy, I guess she dated for six months and she was really in love with him. He also dumped her. And you could tell he’s kind of insecure and he feels intimidated, and he’s worried about the fighter pilot potentially coming back and taking her away from him, or the second boyfriend.

Because he’s probably heard her talk about how much she loved these guys and cared about them. And the reality is, you could be the best boyfriend in the world. You can do everything right, treat her right. But if you’re with somebody who’s a liar and a cheater, given the right circumstances, they’re going to lie to your face and cheat on you. So this is just part of the vetting process. And getting jealous and insecure and getting upset about this, or just ruminating about her exes and stewing about it and worrying that one of them may come back and steal her from you, that’s just beta male behavior.

Women are most attracted to confidence in guys. That’s the number one characteristic that women love and men is confidence, even before physical attraction and looks. The thing they find most sexy in men is confidence. And if you’re constantly ruminating about her exes and terrified they’re going to come back into your life, that tells me you don’t think very highly of yourself, and you probably don’t know 3% Man very well. Because at the end of the day, if you know the book backwards and forwards, you should know that you don’t have any competition. And in reality, this is just part of the vetting process.

Again, you being 26 years old, you could be the best boyfriend in the world, but if this chick is not very loyal and wasn’t raised right, and she came from a broken home, maybe you get, you know, you’re together for a couple of years, you get kind of caught up in business or your career, you stop dating and courting her properly, you’re no longer making her feel heard and understood. Things aren’t going well, and you’re just so busy and so focused on your mission and your purpose, trying to save money or pay off debts, whatever happens to be which a lot of guys end up doing.

And then you don’t date and court her properly, you don’t make her feel heard and understood. And then one of the exes comes back in the picture. She starts complaining about you. He’s willing to listen to her, and because she has no good character and she’s not a loyal person, she’ll entertain these other guys because her needs are being met (by the other men) and you’re not meeting them, and they’ll cheat on you and have the attitude of, “hey, well, you know, you didn’t pay attention to me. I told you, but you didn’t listen. I told you I wasn’t happy, but you didn’t listen.”

But a good woman who has high character is going to be like, “hey, I’m in a relationship. It’s not appropriate. Please respect my boundaries.” But a woman who is of low character will give the exes the green light to stay in touch and encourage it. And she’ll respond to their messages, and she’ll respond to their texts and maybe even phone calls when you’re not around. So it would be best because again, this guy is in the vetting process. You want her to think that you trust her implicitly, because if she is a disloyal person, she’ll get sloppy and slip up and you’ll be able to catch her in lies, and you’ll be able to catch her if she screwing around with any of these exes.

But if you act needy and neurotic and she’s a liar and a cheater, and you’re constantly getting jealous, and anytime she mentions these guys or, hey, so-and-so slid into my DMs, or so-and-so texted me, and you blow your fucking top. Then she’ll just hide it from you. She won’t tell you. And if she’s hiding it from you and not telling you, it’s going to take you a lot longer to figure out that you’re being lied to and cheated on. That’s why it’s better to. Because you’re just trying to matter of factly see what she’s like. Is she somebody I can trust? Is she somebody that when I’m not around, she’s building me up and defending me and our relationship? Or is she kind of lowering the gates and letting the barbarians in? Definitely something to think about.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I hope all is well. Something is bothering me about my new girlfriend’s past that I can’t really seem to let go of as of late, and I am wondering about your opinion. I am 26, and I just got serious with my girlfriend who is 21, after just over two months of dating. From early on, she started pursuing me, which led to her doing 100% of the pursuing after just a couple of dates. She also loves giving and I have received some small gifts from her over the last few weeks too, even some self made ones.

Well, when somebody makes something like that that shows they really care.

She seems to be all over me and wants to see me all the time. A couple of days ago, when we were at my place, she broke down crying. After asking appropriate questions and a couple of “what do you mean”, the reason for her crying turned out to be that she was unsure if I like her as much as she likes me and she told me she has gotten very attached to me and wants our relationship to last. This led to a conversation which led to us making our relationship official.

So what that shows is she really cares about you. However, she’s had two guys that she loved on the same level and cared about, still dumped her and broke up with her. She’s young, probably a little needy, a little insecure. And she’s trying to protect her heart, so that’s a good sign that she brings this up to you. And so hopefully you reassured her again. You decided to make your relationship official. You gave her a commitment which should make her feel better about things. But again, still you’re two months in, but it’s a good sign that because she’s crying over you, she’s not crying over the exes.

She is, you know, one of the reasons why she’s having a meltdown is both her previous boyfriends blew her off and dumped her, probably very coldly and very harshly, even though she really loved them. And so now she feels the same thing towards you. And so you can understand she’s going to feel pretty insecure, that you’re not going to stick around because the first two guys didn’t stick around. So you really should be looking at it from the perspective of she’s the insecure one. She’s the one worried about losing you because she’s already been left twice.

The thing that’s bothering me is the following. Around one and a half years before dating me, she used to date a guy who is a fighter pilot for a short while, but he didn’t want anything serious with her in the end, so they stopped seeing each other.

So he was just basically banging her and hooking up with her. He’s a fighter pilot, you know. He’s a jock. He’s rocking out with his cock out. He’s probably, you know, going from base to base to deployment to deployment, never in the same place for very long. And, you know, it’s just the way a lot of those guys are. They’re hotshots. And plus she’s 21.

He was the first guy she ever dated, and I know she had a lot of feelings for him and she found his job very cool. I went through her Instagram following today though and saw that she still follows him and he still follows her. She has a private account with not many followers and she doesn’t follow a lot of people, both around 80. Even though I know I’m a great guy and I have a cool job in security myself, this still makes me insecure.

Well, you need to keep that to yourself because again, you want her, like I was talking about the beginning of the video. You want her to think you trust her completely, that everything is great. Because you want to see if she’ll honor that commitment. But if you start giving her a hard time and blowing your top and getting upset, she’ll just hide things from you. So if she thinks that you completely trust her and she’s a liar and a cheater, she’ll get sloppy and she’ll slip up and it’ll be much easier for you to catch her so you can get out of the relationship quicker. Because she fucked up, obviously, because otherwise it’ll take you a lot longer.

I am afraid that she still has feelings for him because it wasn’t her choice to end things with him, and I know she got really inspired by him to learn about the military air force and she even wanted to do an internship there last year which she did but didn’t finish.

So why didn’t she finish it? Because she didn’t enjoy it. Probably being there reminded her of the ex that dumped her. So she moved away from that because it was painful. So that to me is another good sign. She didn’t stay and stick around and do the internship and completely finish it out, hoping that she’s going to get another chance with the fighter pilot. It’s just it was painful. She knew it was over and she moved on. She didn’t want to be a part of it anymore, so that’s a good sign. But again, you’re two months in.

I am afraid that if he hits her up and wants to date her seriously this time, she would want to accept that offer and break things off with me.

Well, women typically don’t dump men that they’re in love with. And just remember, this girl was crying, terrified and worried that you’re going to leave her like the previous two boyfriends. So that shows she really does care for you. She really has strong feelings at the present time at, you know, when you sent this email in. But that’s why you gotta just look at her actions, especially over the next couple of years, and see what happens.

In between her dating the fighter pilot and dating me, she had her first serious relationship with her ex which lasted 6 months and ended in October 2024. Her ex is just an average Joe, but I also know that she used to be madly in love with him and it wasn’t her choice to end things with him as well. I know I’m a great catch compared to him, so I’m definitely not worried about her ex, just about the fighter pilot.

So that tells me at some level you think the fighter pilots a better, more successful alpha type guy than you are, but he was just fucking her for a good time. He didn’t really care about her. He tossed her aside like trash.

What do you think of this situation, coach? Should I be worried about it? Any tips you could give me about this situation?

Best regards,

Bob

Well, like I said, make sure, just proceed as normal. Act like you trust her implicitly, because if she really is a liar and a cheater, she’ll slip up. And this is, you know. Do you share the same goals? Do you still share the same values? Does she love her dad? Does she admire dad? Does she look up to her dad? Does she respect him? Does she trust her father? Does she have a good relationship? Does it? Did the dad treat her good? Did the dad treat the mom good? Did she come from a good family where they were loyal and family oriented? Or did she come from a broken home?

But you’re only two months in, and so I it’s just doesn’t help you to worry about the fighter pilot. Don’t ever mention it or even give her a sniff that you’re worried about the fighter pilot coming and taking you away. Because the reality is, is the fighter pilot is going to be traveling all over the world. He’s going to be gone for long periods of time. And again, he treated her like it was just a fuck buddy, a hookup, sex playmate. He wanted nothing to do with a relationship or getting serious with her, so it’s pretty clear she wants a relationship. That’s what’s important to her.

And so far, she’s done everything. Again, it’s only two months, still early, but I don’t see any evidence here, at least in your email, that you have anything to be worried about. But I promise you, if you start getting insecure about it and upset and getting butthurt and getting angry and constantly bringing the guy up, that she’s going to know that you’re insecure about it, and that’s not good, because women are most attracted to confidence in men, and so you can feel insecure about it, but don’t share it with her. Don’t share it with anybody that knows her, or it could potentially get back to her.

Keep it to yourself because again, you want to maintain operational security. You don’t want anybody to know that you’re insecure about the fighter pilot, because it’s not going to help your position. If she finds out about it, she’ll probably test you, just because that’s what women do. When they see weakness or they sense it they’re going to test and see how bad the chink in your armor really is. And if they’re able to pry it open, they’ll put some salt and some lemon juice in there and really rub it with a pencil eraser, really make it sting.

So don’t give her any reason to think that you’re insecure about it, because again, if you are and you get butt hurt, then she’ll hide things from you because she won’t share things and won’t be open and honest with you because she won’t think you can handle it. So I would take it as it is. Other than that, I mean, good job. I mean, this girl fell in love with you to the point where she was crying after two months. Because, remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And so she fell head over heels in love with you the same way she did for these other two guys. And you gave her a commitment because that’s what she really wanted.

Because she’s terrified and worried about losing you. And whether you realize it or not, it’s pretty clear you’ve got the leverage in this relationship, and she’s terrified of losing you. Even though you’re scared to lose her to the other guy. She is worried that you’re going to leave her just like the other two dudes have. So when you’re in that situation, think of her as like just a little girl that needs love. When she feels insecure, reassure her how much you love her and you appreciate her. So you’re in a good situation, dude, relax. You got a date for at least a couple of years before you move in. Or you think about getting serious. Or especially if you’re going to involve the government in your relationship.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.