Why it’s not your fault your girl is a liar or a cheater, but you must accept this and leave if you want monogamy.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. He caught his girlfriend of 5 months texting with her ex and sending the ex the same pictures she sent him. Her ex cheated on her numerous times, and that’s why they broke up. She says she doesn’t know why she still does it. She says it will stop, but then he catches her lying and doing it again.
He’s acted needy and tries to blame himself for the fact she is dishonest and a cheater, instead of just accepting that is simply her character and not his fault. It’s another example that shows why character is destiny and it’s not your job to fix or save someone else other than yourself. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
It just goes to show the power of emotions. And when we are emotionally invested in someone, or something for that matter, we make our decisions based upon emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify it. And so, you’ll see as I go through his email, he’s blaming himself. He’s like, “Man, if I hadn’t acted so weak, if I hadn’t acted like such a beta male, this wouldn’t have happened.”
The reality is, the longer you’re with somebody – it doesn’t matter how well you know the material in my book – every guy gets complacent. As the years roll by, it just happens very slowly. And if you’re with a woman with no character, no integrity, not loyal, she’s going to start looking elsewhere when her needs aren’t getting met. A woman who’s loyal will focus on making the relationship better and trying to communicate better. That’s why it’s so important to make sure that you properly vet your dating prospects, including your friends and the people that you allow into your inner circle, because this is super important.
So, he admits he was needy, but you can tell he still wishes, like, “Man, if I could just fix this girl, if I could just get her to be the way I want, she’d be perfect.” Our job as human beings is to see reality as it is, not better than it is or worse than is, but as it actually is. And, like a lot of us, he’s seeing reality as better than it is.
I’ve been following your work for a few weeks now and just received a copy of your book.
Oh, shameless book plug, by the way. Both quote books, Volume I and Volume II, are out everywhere. And I appreciate all the great reviews you guys have been leaving on the books. Those are available everywhere, audiobook, paperback, and hardcover versions. Your support is appreciated. Now back to our regularly scheduled email.
I have already read half of it…
Meaning “3% Man.”
…and look forward to reading it at least 20 times. I’m 24 years old, dating this girl for about 5 months now. I thought she was perfect. She checked all my boxes, it seemed. Everything was perfect, including the sex.
It’s just so easy to be reading this, or you guys in the comments will go, “Just leave her.” Yeah, but he’s got five months. He’s emotionally invested. It’s easy to say when you’re on the outside looking in. But when you’re in the middle of it and your emotions and your identity is wrapped up in this new relationship, you’ve told all your friends and family about this great girl you’ve been dating, you don’t want to go to them and go, “Oh, yeah. Well, I caught her numerous times lying to me. She’s still in contact with the ex and telling the ex that they love each other, and she’s sending the ex the same pictures she’s sending to me.” And that’s pretty efficient when you think about it, but we’ll get to that part in a minute.
We took trips and did a lot of fun shit together. We love each other.
You sure about that, dude?
However, 2 months ago I saw that she was texting her ex when we were together.
That sounds like true love. Definitely. It’s just that she doesn’t love you. I can. Or, she may. Maybe she’s able to love multiple guys.
I confronted her about this, and she was very upset saying things like, “I’m sorry” and “I don’t know why I do it because you’re so great.” She even agreed to block his number and not speak to him. As time passed, I could feel something just wasn’t right. Understanding your work, I overpursued, talking about kids and meeting the parents for example.
Yeah, guys in that situation, they think “I’ve got to do more. I’ve got to lock her down,” because this is what they show in the movies. If there’s another guy in the picture, you’ve got to get a ring on that thing. You got to get her to the altar before somebody steals her from you.
I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t let me meet them.
Because you’re not that important to her. She’s not feeling the same way. You said “we love each other.” It’s like, she may like you a lot, but she’s not going to do that to somebody she deeply loves and deeply respects. She’s going to do that to a guy who she’s getting her needs met with temporarily. But that’s not a woman who’s loyal and faithful, who is going to behave that way. It doesn’t sound like she’s proud of you.
Very stupid of me to push stuff like that onto her. I was insecure and wanted to lock her down to a commitment. A true “C’mon man” moment.
Well, at least you admit it. Remember, a few weeks ago, she promised to stop. “I don’t know why I do it. It just happens.”
A few weeks ago, I had access to her phone and decided to go through it. I found she changed her ex’s contact name and was continuing to talk to him…
How sneaky. What does that show? That shows that she’s devious, and she’s dishonest, and she expects you to go through her phone. She thought, “Ha-ha, I’ll change the name. He’ll never know.” God, I’m so shocked.
…saying things like “I love you,” “I miss you,” and sending him the same pictures that she sends me!
Hey, you know, you’ve got to admire the hustle there. That’s a hell of a time saver there. That’s multitasking on a whole other level.
To top it off, he flew in, and she picked him up from the airport, and they hung out for the day.
Oh, that’s so sweet. She’s got two boyfriends. Such a great love story.
Of course, she lied until I told her what I saw.
Man, it’s like this guy is in a relationship with this girl, she’s seeing her ex, and he has no idea. Remember what I say, character is destiny. Yet another example. Here we are.
And she finally owned up to it.
Boy, I really think she’s going to change her ways now.
She said she didn’t want to hurt me, and she loves me and wants to keep being with me, so that’s why she did what she did to hide it all.
Because she really wants to be with you. So, congratulations. You are part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project. Her ex-boyfriend is the guy that’s just perfect, if she could just fix the fact that he’s a liar and cheater. But she ignores the fact that she’s a liar and a cheater. Like attracts like.
They were in a relationship for about 4-5 years but have been “broken up” (due to him cheating) for about 2.
He cheated on her. Oh, my God!
They have texted every day for those 2 years, according to her.
Well, apparently in this particular case, she really wasn’t yours. It was just your turn.
We have since talked and she says she does it because it’s easy for her to contact him.
No, it’s because she’s a liar and a cheater and she has no integrity. Character is destiny. That’s who she is. This is consistent with who she is. It’s not your job to fix her. It’s not your job to save her. This is who she is. She’s shown you multiple times, even after she says, “Oh, it’ll never happen again.” She’s just telling you what you want to hear.
She is obviously very apologetic and wishes we could “start over.”
Sure she does. She just wishes she hadn’t gotten caught. The truth is she wishes she could start over and have another chance of getting away with all the lies. That’s what she really wishes. She’s not changing who she is.
I wish I wasn’t as needy and pushy as I was in the beginning.
I mean, she doesn’t respect you. But the reality is, it’s better that you find out after five months instead of five years, and then you think, “Oh, this is my girl, we just had a kid.” And then like, “Oh, wow, she’s been seeing her ex the whole time. Is that child really mine? Hmm.” Lots of guys have that unfortunate reality. But if you live in a blue state, guess what? You still get to pay for the other dudes, kid. It’s so fair. “Equal justice under law” – that’s on the Supreme Court building, if I’m not mistaken. Equal justice under the law, that sounds pretty equal, doesn’t it? Your wife cheats, she gets knocked up by some other dude, but guess what, you’re on the hook financially.
She says she doesn’t know anything about me, but I know everything about her.
The reason she doesn’t know anything about you is because she’s never asked. Why? Because she doesn’t care. When they care, they ask. When women care about you, they want to know about your life. And when they don’t, they don’t ask anything.
And I was expecting things like meeting her parents when I wasn’t ready to show her mine.
So, he’s blaming himself, “It’s all my fault she cheated.”
The kicker is we have continued to meet up and hook up.
Yeah, she likes a little variety. You’re part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project. Whatever things her ex-boyfriend isn’t doing, you get to do. And there may be some other guys out there you don’t know about.
I told her to block him and I wanted to see it, but that can be easily undone. I want to forgive her.
You can forgive her, but she ain’t going to change. That’s not going to help.
But I know I should walk away.
Yes. Unless you’re okay with an open relationship, or a friends with benefits, or a fuck buddy. This is not a woman you commit to, this is not a woman you have children with. And quite frankly, it’s not a woman you should be raw-dogging it with either. You’re literally risking your safety and your health and slipping one past the goalie. But if you live in a blue state, it won’t matter. The man’s going to make you pay anyway.
I’m trying to be cool and confident, while not bringing anything relationship or ex topics up.
She’s a friends with benefits, dude. A fuck buddy. That’s it. You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife. Don’t even try.
Just hanging out, having fun, and hooking up is my goal with her now. It’s probably too late for this mindset, but I’d like to start over and not be needy anymore with her.
It doesn’t matter. She’s going to cheat on you anyway. She’s not going to be loyal and faithful. These hoes ain’t loyal, bro. She belongs to the streets!
But the trust will be hard to get back.
It ain’t coming back, dude. Love cannot exist where there is no trust, and she’s shown multiple times she doesn’t respect you and she’s just not honest. It’s not your fault. Her parents, her family, they’re the ones that screwed her up.
Any ideas on what I should do?
See the reality as it is. She’s just a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate. That’s it. Wear a raincoat. And if you’re looking for loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity, you need to be looking elsewhere, because this girl is not capable of giving it to you. She may say she wants to do that, and whatever other BS promises she’s giving you, but it’s just not going to happen, dude. It’s not in the cards. She’s a drifter, bro. She’s just passing through.
And so, what I would do if I were you, I’d be dating other women. I’d be looking for somebody that can be loyal and faithful. Just say, “Hey, look, you’re obviously not capable of loyalty and monogamy, so let’s just be friends with benefits. You can do what you want to do, I’m going to do what I want to do, but I want you to understand, I’m looking for a girlfriend that can be loyal and faithful to me, and you, ain’t it. I love you. I’ve got nothing but love for you, babe, but I’m going to be looking for somebody else. And I really don’t give a shit what you do with your ex.”
And, on top of that, I’d never call her or text her again for any reason. Because if you’re looking for loyalty, monogamy and exclusivity, and you recognize that she can’t give it to you, then what you should be doing is never calling or texting. Don’t invest anything in it. Let her reach out to you. Let her be the one trying to lock you down to a commandment and just say, “No, you’ve shown multiple times you’re going to lie and you’re still in contact with your ex. I don’t believe anything you say. But we can have some fun together until I meet my future dream woman.”
So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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