Why a lack of rapport can lead to being stood up for a date or being ghosted.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says he has read my book many times. He feels he knows it very well. However, he says on multiple occasions when he has set a date in the beginning of the week for later in the week, he is getting ghosted.
He asks what he can do differently to prevent ghosting when he felt like they had a good conversation. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He doesn’t say it, but from his email, it seems like he’s doing a lot of online dating. The reality is a lot of guys get lazy because they don’t really have to go out and approach. I mean, if you just look at society, I was out with some friends yesterday having lunch and just looking around the restaurant. We were talking about how we had our phones in our pockets, or in my case, I had it in my backpack, and we’re just talking, having a good time, but probably 80-90% of the people that were around us at all the different tables, even though they’re sitting, having lunch together and kind of having conversations, they’re mostly on their cell phones and showing each other things on their cell phones. Or they just completely have their face glued to their cell phone, and they’re not really even interacting. So, even though they’re spending time together, they’re not really enjoying being together.
The dating apps have released a lot of their their data on what they see, the interactions between men and women, and it’s pretty interesting. The other thing to keep in mind when it comes to dating apps, women have all the leverage. Anything that comes easy in life, you don’t really tend to value it. And when you see guys just getting blown off, or ghosted, or treated like dirt, or women don’t show up on dates, it’s pretty easy to understand why this is happening to a lot of guys.
Twenty percent of the guys are dating and sleeping with 80% of the women on dating apps. So, in other words, the alphas are cleaning it up. Typically, the good looking guys that are fit and in shape are getting all of the attention. And if you’re an average dude trying to compete in that market, versus just meeting women as a side effect of your social life, you’re going to struggle. According to the dating apps themselves, 80% of the men on dating apps are not attractive to the women on dating apps.
The big key is going to be rapport. How much rapport do you have with that woman that you’re talking to? Are you talking on the phone? Are you talking on video for a while before getting around and making a date to pre-screen them? It makes a big difference. How far off in the future are you making a date with a woman that’s probably got thirty other dudes, probably better looking than you, that are trying to set dates with her? And if she’s trying to decide which guy she wants to go out with, she’ll make a date with the guy that she’s most interested in and leave the other dudes hanging, and either just not show up, or cancel at the last minute because some more attractive guy came along.
I have lost track of how many times I have read your book, highlighted the shit out of it, and a handful of times listened to the audiobook. The last time I read the book it was boring. Tells me I’m pretty well schooled on the content.
One lingering question though. I know you cover this, but I’m hoping for a little more feedback. I feel on multiple instances I have set up a definite date (place & time) early in the week, but then when the date comes around on Friday or Saturday, I get ghosted. This has typically been after good conversation prior to initiating the date. I feel the lack of conversation between setting the date and the actual day of is turning them away.
I understand what the book says about this but looking for a little more specific feedback. Seems sometimes more communication between setting and going on the date may be okay. Any additional thoughts on this?
What you’re seeing is low interest and low rapport. So, you’re making dates with women who really weren’t that into you in the first place. And if you’re just texting somebody on a dating app like Tinder or Bumble, you’re going to have a really high number of just low integrity people on there.
I mean, think about it. If a woman is beautiful and successful, comes from a great family, has an active social life, has lots of girlfriends and friends and family to spend time with, she’s not going to be on a dating app. Because her being out in public with other like-minded people doing social activities, there’s no reason for her to be on a dating app, because guys who are always high character, high integrity guys are going to be approaching her.
The girlfriends I wrote about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” they never go on a dating app. They don’t need to. They constantly have dudes hitting on them. And it doesn’t mean that all women are bad on the dating apps, it just means that you have a large percentage of people that are just not good, high character people. Maybe they don’t have any friends, they don’t have much of a social life. It’s also possible they just moved to the area.
But the reality is, if you’re dealing with a woman that doesn’t have any character, she doesn’t really have any close friends or family, doesn’t have much of an active social life, but yet she’s very beautiful, she’s going to get a lot of attention from men. And so, for her, because she doesn’t have good, strong friendships and relationships, she’s not going to think anything of just making a date with you and then ghosting you, not showing up.
Or when you text her, “Hey, I’m here. Are you on your way, or are you outside?” and she’s like, “Oh, you didn’t text me.” Typically when guys do that, it’s usually a half hour or an hour later they text back, and then women just try to blame the guys that they didn’t reach out. But the reality is, if she really liked him and was really excited about seeing him, she would have probably texted on the day of the date and said, “Hey, are we still on?” That’s what women do who are really interested in men. And women who don’t, they don’t care.
Women will also make a date with several guys and end up keeping the date with the guy that they really like. So, from a leverage perspective, why would you want to put yourself, as a man, in that position? Like I was talking about, being at lunch yesterday with some good friends of mine and the fact everybody is on their device, I mean, people are just not interacting with each other like they once were.
And I’d hear people say, “Oh, things have changed.” Well, look at the stats back from my generation, Gen X in the 80s, versus people that are twenty-nine and under, how many times they’ve had sex in the past year versus when my generation was their age. And this goes all the way from high school through thirty, because most people become sexually active in high school. When you look at the numbers overall, men and women today are actually having less sex than they were during my generation.
Now, the men are having a lot less sex, but the women are having less sex. But still, when you look at the stats, they’re still not have as much sex as they were during my generation. Also, in my generation, most people were thin. And when you look at it thirty years later — I mean, all I have to do is walk outside — most people, I think the stat was like 74% of all Americans, are either overweight or obese.
So, a lot of people are just simply unattractive, because they don’t take care of themselves, and, yeah, they’re going to have a hard time getting dates just because of attractiveness. But also, people are so addicted to their devices, they’re just flipping and scrolling, and people are kind of losing the art of interacting with one another and having a conversation with a random stranger.
It’s like, no matter where you go, you could be at the beach and you see a group of 10, 15 teenagers, and they’re not really hanging out with one another. They’re all trying to take the best selfie and the best picture for their social media. And then they’re sitting on the beach, they’re editing their photos and uploading it, trying to show everybody what a great time they’re having, when all they’re really doing is a photo shoot at the beach and not really having much fun together. It’s kind of nuts when when you look at it from that perspective, but that’s where we’re at.
So, if you can develop your confidence and get good at approaching women when you’re out living your life, you’re not going to be encountering these kinds of women that, quite frankly, you don’t really want anyway. And plus, you can create more rapport in person, versus somebody you spent five or ten minutes with talking on a dating app.
So, when I see guys that are making dates and the women are blowing them off or ghosting them, they’re making dates with women that have low interest or they just didn’t have enough rapport with them. Because the dating app can make you lazy. You just swipe left or right, and there’s another new match, so it doesn’t really matter. And if the women have all the leverage, because most of the people on dating apps are guys, how are they being encouraged to have any kind of integrity or make a date and actually keep it?
In my opinion, it’s a bad way to go, and that’s why I don’t even go on dating apps anymore. Occasionally, over the years, I might go on them here and there just to see what it’s like. And especially in the last few years, you see a lot of hookers, which is something I didn’t see five years ago, ten years ago. And now you go on these dating apps, there’s a lot of women that are on there that are just basically looking to get paid for giving up the box. And if you’re looking to date or have a relationship, that’s a non-starter. Why would you want a low quality human that’s behaving that way?
But that’s what happens. People get lazy, and so now the hookers are going onto the dating apps. And so, in addition to trying to find someone you click with, now you’re trying to make sure you weed out the girls that are matching with you and they’re just hoping that you’re a gullible dude that will end up paying them. Because a lot of guys are desperate, and guys that have money that are on there, they’ll end up paying a grand or two a week for a girl to hang out with them, because it’s better than nothing in their eyes. They have the money, and there’s plenty of women out there that are willing to do it. It’s kind of a sad state of affairs.
Back to his email, he says “This has typically been after a good conversation prior to initiating the date, and I feel the lack of conversation between setting the date and the actual day of is turning them away.” One of the things that you can do if you are going to do online dating and you’re not sure whether this girl is going to show up or not is sometime in the early afternoon say, “Hey, I’m kind of running late.” If you’re supposed to meet at 7:00, say, “Can we meet at 7:30? Does that work for you?” Something simple like that.
And if she says, “Oh, I completely forgot we had a date,” when you just made a date three days before, it doesn’t sound like she’s very enthusiastic of spending time with you if she’s already forgotten about you, because she’s talking to other dudes. Or you might get “Oh hey, I can’t make it. We’ll have to reschedule.” Then you end up rescheduling, but it’s better than getting stood up or ghosted. So, that would be the one thing that I would say to do, especially you guys that are going to do a lot of online dating.
If you met a girl, say you’re at a friend’s house, there was a cookout or a barbecue going on and they invited their friends over. They’ve got kids, everybody that was married brought their kids over. The kids are playing in the pool, the adults are having fun, drinking, joking and laughing around. If you meet somebody that’s a friend of a friend there, you’re going to be there the whole afternoon. And so, when you click with somebody, you might end up talking for a couple hours. Then you get her phone number, you get her address, you make a date, you’re going to go pick her up. You’re not going have a problem with that, because she’s in your social circle, and so are you, so, obviously, plenty of people there that know you are going to know that you guys have a date.
And so, for somebody inside that social circle to make a date and then just blow a dude off, like he goes to her house to pick her up and she’s not there, that’s going to get around in your social circle really fast. And that kind of behavior, if you hang out with high character, high integrity people like I do, is going to be frowned upon and people are going to say something about it. “Hey, you made me look bad. I’m not going to invite you to come over and hang out if you’re going to treat people like that.”
But when you’re just meeting random people, low integrity people on the internet on these dating apps, that’s what you’re going to get. If you had enough time to meet them, maybe you were at a social function, maybe you’re at a trade show or something, or out in a bar having a few drinks with your friends, and there are some cute girls at a table next to you and you just strike up a conversation. You guys kind of join tables and you hang out for a couple of hours.
Maybe you walk her to her car, maybe you end up making out with her. Then you get her number, later call her, make a date. You go pick her up, she already has comfort with you. She already feels safe with you. It’s like, you’re not going to have problems on those kinds of dates. But when you’re just strictly relying on online dating because it’s easy, that’s the downside risk in it.
And so, like I said, I would be spending more time talking to them on the phone and ideally doing a video date, so you can see what they look like. You can read their body language and see how the conversation flows, because if it doesn’t flow on video or during a phone call, it’s not going to go any better in person. So that’s what I would do if I were you.
Me personally, I like meeting women as just a side effect of my social life. All the best relationships I’ve had, the best girlfriends I’ve had always came from that. Never once did I meet somebody that I had a really great, awesome long-term relationship with on a dating app. The ones I met off dating apps were mostly hookups or somebody I dated for a short period of time. They were typically on there because they just didn’t have a social circle that facilitated meeting the kind of people that they want. That’s the harsh reality.
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“Being a high character person who operates from a place of integrity and honoring one’s commitments is a rare commodity in today’s world. It’s pretty common for women on dating apps to literally have hundreds of matches for potential dates. Lots of women with low integrity have no problem making dates and then not showing up or outright ghosting men they claimed to be interested in. The reality is that high character women, who are fit, healthy and outgoing, are not going to be on a dating app, because their social life and circle brings them plenty of like-minded high character guys to date. Twenty percent of the guys are dating and sleeping with 80% of the women on dating apps. According to the dating apps themselves, 80% of the men on dating apps are not attractive to the women on dating apps. People who like the same things tend to like each other. Superior men will always do better meeting women in person as a side effect of an active social life full of good friends and family, instead of taking the lazy man’s way of pursuing women on dating apps who have all the leverage.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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