Learning To Exercise Emotional Self Control So You Don’t Chase Her Away

The best way to exercise emotional self control so you don’t chase her out of your life.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been casually hooking up with a girl he met at a party 3 months ago. They are sexually exclusive but without the title of a relationship. He’s catching feelings and having a hard time not losing his shit when they aren’t together because he wants to see her more and be in a relationship with her. He’s constantly worrying about where he stands with her and it makes him really anxious. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. On the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “Learning To Exercise Emotional Self Control So You Don’t Chase Her Away.”

So this particular email is from a viewer. He’s been casually hooking up with a girl he met at a party three months ago. They’re sexually exclusive, but they don’t have any titles, boyfriend and girlfriend or anything like that. Not official on social media. So he’s catching feelings for her and really having a hard time not losing his shit when they’re not together because he clearly wants to see her more and he wants to be in a relationship with her.

And he’s constantly worried about and focusing on trying to figure out where he stands with her, because it’s pretty clear he cares way more about her than she does about him, and it’s driving him crazy. So he’s really struggling, having a hard time applying what’s in the book now that his emotions are getting involved and engaged. And so if that’s the case, it’s really hard to adhere to the book.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

A fan of your work here. I’m on my third read of your book and it has been life changing. I met a girl at a party three months ago. I initially took it slow in the first couple of weeks, not showing her much interest, applying the principles in your book, and by the third date we were doing the Indoor Olympics.

Well, most women sleep with a guy by the second or third date. Typically, if you’re following what’s in the book and she’s normal and healthy and not a wacky Froot Loop.

She actually mentioned that I was too passive at the beginning, that my inaction kind of stressed her lol.

Well, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, and the fact that she was getting stressed out means she was worried about where she stood with you. But that was then. This is now. The power’s flipped a little bit, obviously. Because he was pretty confident and comfortable in the beginning, but now he’s extremely worried and fearful. This is why I say read the book 10 to 15 times so you know it backwards and forwards and you know what to do and you can lean on it.

But he’s, you know, again, just starting his third read of it. So a lot of these concepts are all completely new and foreign. And they’re quite frankly, they’re hard to apply because when you think about how you’ve been kind of programmed by society your whole life, and now a lot of the stuff that’s in the book is doing the opposite of what you think and what you feel you should do, because you’re emotionally anchored to dysfunctional, unattractive behavior that you’ve been programmed with by from the media and what’s on TV.

We really hit it off after that third date and we have been seeing each other once per week, where I usually stay at her place for a couple of days in a row (her idea).

So if you’ve been dating for three months and you’re only seeing her once a week, you’re a booty call. That tells me her interest is not going up, and especially because you’re so focused on how much you like her and locking her down. You’re probably calling too much, texting too much, and she can tell that she’s got all the power. She probably pushes on you and tests you, and you’re not even realizing it.

And you’re just soft and squishy. And so she doesn’t really respect you, and therefore her attraction is not going through the roof. It seems like it’s just kind of flatlined. In other words, she’s okay with the once a week booty call because she’s just not that into it because you’re displaying too much unattractive beta male like behavior.

Sex is amazing, and we have fun when we are together. I am usually an anxious guy but with her, I have kept my game tight so far, not over pursuing and letting her come to me at her pace.

Again. I know you think your game is tight, but if you’re three months down the road and you’re still only seeing her once a week, she’s not that into you.

She is a bit structured, likes to plan things ahead of time but spontaneity is not her thing. 

Well, again, I talk about dating structured women. It’s not a good idea, but part of your problem is, I would say you’re. Again, I can tell from your email that she has all the leverage because she knows; in other words, whoever cares the least has the most leverage. It’s pretty clear from her actions that she cares the least and you care the most.

By about the fifth week, we had a talk where she mentioned that she does not believe in “titles” to build something solid with someone and that she likes her freedom.

Probably because you were becoming a little clingy. She could kind of feel it. And that’s why she’s telling you because she was helping you. Women, when they like you, they help you. They help you do the right thing. They’ll even tell you what to do and coach you.

But also, she asked me for exclusivity, mentioning that she is not interested in seeing other guys but me. Also, she likes being on her own. She has a very active lifestyle, she is in a biking team and it has a busy professional life. When we are together everything is good and its fun, but when each of us goes on our separate routines nothing happens, no major communication, no bonding vibes.

Why is that? Because she’s not that into you.

I feel she is too comfortable in this situation.

Well, you’ve made it comfortable.

Where she receives validation when she is with me at her pace, but in my case my old anxiety issues start to resurface, like trying to look for certainty.

Well, you’re going to have to learn to live with that. And so it takes enough time applying the book, knowing the book, reading it backwards and forwards, getting a woman to fall head over heels in love with you and being able to keep her there. But since you’re just now on your third read and you’re already three months into it, and she’s fine with seeing you once a week, you really just a booty call.

So it would help if you had some other options because it sounds like you’re sexually exclusive, but you’re not in a relationship. But if she’s only wanting to see you once a week, then probably she’s keeping her options open to meet potentially other guys that she likes more. And she’s got you locked up knowing that you’re not diddling anybody else.

I am starting to develop feelings for her, and she mentions that she is into me, but at the same time her actions send me mixed signals.

Again, if you’ve been dating three months and the girl’s fine with seeing you once a week, you’re a booty call. She’s not that into you.

I feel that I am just kind of filling gaps in her life, when her schedule allows.

Pretty much. That’s how a booty call is.

If I were not into her, I could play the casual game easily, but with her is different.

Well, as the book says, you got to treat all women the same and you’re treating her different. You’re pedestalize her a little bit. You’re too compliant. You’re always going to her. She’s not coming to you. And, you know, you’ve clearly communicated that you’re more into her than she’s into you. And the reality is, women like you more if they think they are more into you than you are into them.

But you’ve been a shitty poker player and she knows you thirst after her. So if I were you, and if she’s just treating you like a booty call, I would never call or text her or reach out for any reason. I’d wait to hear from her. Then I’d make the next date. And I would start having her come to your place instead of you always going to hers.

So far, I have not screwed up, and I think her attraction level towards me is a 7.

I’d say it’s probably a six, sometimes a seven. But again, after three months, that’s as far as it’s gone. You’re pursuing too much, you’re calling too much, you’re texting too much. You’re showing her that you care too much, and you’re ignoring the fact that she’s totally okay with just seeing you, as you said, you basically fit into her schedule or fill gaps in her life. When she’s got nothing else going on, she’ll see you and hook up. She’s not introducing you to friends or family. She’s not asking to see you more. There’s no I miss you. I can’t wait to see you. There’s none of that happening.

But to feel anxiety over this is not good. Should I cut this thing? Should I let her go? Any advice is appreciated.    

Bob

Well, I’d keep my options open if I were you. Because you’re not in a relationship with her. So you’ve committed exclusively and at any time if you meet somebody else, you can decide to no longer be exclusive with her, and you can later tell her about it, because again, you’re not in a committed relationship. You just basically have agreed that you’re not going to fuck anybody else. But again, somebody that’s only seen you once a week and you’re three months down the road and you’re the one that’s always anxious. She knows that. She knows that you’re way more into her than she is into you.

So a better way to handle this situation is to keep your options open when you’re not talking to her. I’d be hanging out with other girls or talking to other girls. Because, again, she’s not your girlfriend and it’s clear from her effort she’s not trying to spend more time with you. So I’d be keeping my options open because it surely looks like she is. And so she’s got you locked up sexually, but at any moment she can say, “hey, I met somebody else and I’m going to get with him or I’m going to date him.” Because again, you’re a once a week booty call.

So if she treats you like a once a week booty call, treat her like a once week booty call. If you find somebody you want to hook up with and you do, you can let her know, hey, you know, we’ve been dating three months, four months, and we’re only seeing each other once a week, and it’s not really that serious. And I want somebody that’s more available. And you’re always busy. You got other things going on. So I just want to let you know I’m dating other people now. And when I find somebody that’s more available and their schedules more flexible, then I’m going to get serious with them.

And I won’t be able to see you anymore. But, you know, until that happens, we can have lots of fun. That’s how I would handle this particular situation. Again, reading the book and start applying it more. If you had some other women in your life, you would do more things right than wrong with this particular girl. The problem is, you started seeing her and got yourself into a difficult situation and gave all the power and leverage away, and now you’re trying to course correct when you’re all up in your feelings and your emotions.

Because again, you’ve read the book twice, and so it’s a lot harder when you’re three months down the road to course correct versus studying the book, applying with all the women you’re meeting and dating. And then when you get serious with somebody, you’ve practiced it enough and you know the book well enough that things just flow effortlessly. So there’s no shortcuts to success. You got to put the time in with the book and take learning it seriously. If you put the Audiobook on 2X and follow along in a digital or physical copy, you can get through it in about four hours.

And that’s the best way to really fully concentrate on the book. Not just like drive and listen to it in the background, or when you’re working out at the gym listening to it or playing it through your Sonos speaker system in your house. You want to sit down and really be focused on it. And that’s why listening to the Audiobook on 2X and then looking at the words as they’re being spoken is the best way and most effective way to learn it and get it into your brain as quickly as possible.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.