What you should focus on so you can finally let go of the past and overcome feeling guilty and sad about a relationship that didn’t work out like you expected. Why this is essential to creating a space for someone new and better suited for you to fill.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who shares how my work has helped him recover from getting dumped by his girlfriend six months ago. What made it really hard for him to let go of the past and move on from her, was that his feelings for her and his connection with her were much deeper than any other woman he had been with up until this point in his life. He describes how, back then he was stuck in a miserable job where he was not treated very well and had to work massive amounts of overtime without getting paid for it. He would basically come home and complain to his then girlfriend, instead of just handling the situation. She started testing him, and because he was so fearful, he became a doormat and started letting her walk all over him. This only made his neediness worse. He describes how he was able to turn things around after the breakup by focusing on his career, losing thirty pounds and removing all of the toxic and unsupportive people from his life and peer group. He’s finally in a happy place again and enjoying being single.
I just wanted to say thank you. I found your stuff after my ex-girlfriend dumped me six months ago. She was, and to this day still is, the woman with whom I had the deepest connection so far, so you can imagine how devastated I was. (When your emotions are really engaged, they are hard to get get past and get over.) Back then, I was stuck in a miserable job as a consultant, where I wasn’t treated well and had to work massive amounts of overtime without any compensation. (When you recognize your job situation sucks, you need to look for another job to better your situation.) Although I tried my best to work out in the hotel rooms at night, I quickly gained 20 pounds, felt like shit and soon started acting the same, taking my job problems home to her. (You made her your therapist. If it goes on for months and you don’t do anything to help yourself, it’s going to cause her to not trust your masculine core or feel safe with you. Women like guys that have ambition.) I put most of my scarce time into finding a new gig, which I succeeded in after two months, but it was too late. The attraction my then-girlfriend felt for me obviously dropped to the very bottom, as I had adopted needy and insecure behavior. One of the worst experiences I’ve ever had was when this girl, who had idolized me when we met and who I helped getting through a really fucked-up eating disorder, started testing me, and seeing how much of a doormat I could be, before dumping me. It felt like the world was ending, since during that time I became so needy and fearful that all I wanted was to be with her forever, get a steady job in a big company and get to ‘happily ever after’ ASAP. Somehow, that’s what I always assumed is the correct way of life when you’re approaching 30. I’m 29 years old. It was a pure scarcity mindset. (This is typically what society beats into everybody’s head.)
Right after she broke up with me, I started my new job. I used all of my now free time to reestablish my strict workout routine, and quickly lost 30 pounds. (You got focused and found a way to make it happen.) Now I look ripped, and I’m increasingly aware of getting noticed for that. Working out initially was part of a rough plan to become the person I was when my ex and I had met, to re-attract her again, but as time and a few dates with her went by, it became clearer and clearer that this was out of the question. She recently started a new relationship, which was a heavy punch for me, because how could she move on so quickly when all that was on my mind was still her? Of course after having read your stuff, I know the answer. On the weekends, I would drink heavily and get the occasional one-night stand, but I just did not manage to establish any real connection with a woman. On top of that, when I was hung-over, I felt miserable, missed her and asked myself what I am doing with my time, so I also decided to cut out the heavy drinking. (The idea is to only eat that kind of crap 20% of the time, everything in moderation.) I made the conscious decision to only care about myself, let myself feel the pain, but then do everything that has to be done to get over her and gain control of my life again, since being mopey and pitying myself is far from the standard I have always set for myself. (That’s a great mindset. You’ve got to feel it to heal it.) I also decided to refrain from dating or meeting other women for a time, because I didn’t want to bother others with my pain and misery and use them as a distraction. I just wanted a clean, new start, and my overall mission was, and is, to constantly improve myself and be the best man I can be. When I discovered the things you teach and bought your book, I managed to slowly understand what happened, how attraction works, why my ex and I fell in love and why she dumped me. When I recently started getting back in the game, I used many of your principles successfully, but the main thing I want to thank you for is the clarity and positivity of your overall message: Be a man, take control of your life, live up to your potential, take care of your body, and TAKE ACTION. (You’ve got to participate in your own rescue.) Every time I receive your newsletter, I am motivated by the energy I draw from it. It’s like having a good friend patting your back and telling you that you will make it, and I’m very thankful for that.
So where am I now? Like I said, my workout routine shows results, and the ladies notice. I am eating clean and taking care of my health, so I feel awake and energized constantly. In the short time that I have been working at my new job, I have made a great impression on my boss, who wants to start a new business with me. (When you’re happy, taking care of yourself and achieving, that’s what happens. It’s important to do something you really love and enjoy, and to keep searching until you find it.) I have accepted the offer, and I am prepared to take the risk, and maybe fail, since I am extremely excited about the opportunity. I will decline a job offer from a major company for a well-paid position with leadership duties to pursue this start-up idea. A year ago, this would have been unthinkable, since I would never have traded in security for freedom back then. However, today I believe in my abilities and decided to not ever hold myself back because of fear. Of course, I fear rejection and failure in business or with women, but I vowed I’d do it anyway, because if it works out, I’ll be successful, and if it doesn’t the world won’t stop turning.
First and foremost, I want to be in control of my own life. I’ve stopped feeling guilty about the things I did wrong with my ex, and came to the realization that, since I was happy when I met her while she was miserable, and it was the other way around when she dumped me, maybe I’m better off without her anyway. (When you get into a peaceful, relaxed, content place, you can look back, get some clarity and realize you’re better off without her.) I wouldn’t want her back, because I wouldn’t want to prevent me or her from growing and improving ourselves. I decided to let go of the past and I look forward to the future, because I can do what I want. I’ve gotten rid of all the toxic people and naysayers, no matter how long I’ve known them or whether they’re friends/family, and only surround myself with ambitious and positive people who are there for me, and vice versa. (As Tony Robbins says, “The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of the people who you consistently spend your time with.” Now you’re taking care of the people in your life, and the toxic ones are out of your life.) Lately, I’ve been dating casually, and have realized in the process that I am currently not even looking for a relationship, because I am happy and fulfilled with myself and the things that go on in my life. (You’re enjoying your life, and that’s when something just drops into your life.) Your article, “Not Looking For A Relationship” just came out at the right time for me.
Thank you, Corey. You have been a great inspiration for me, and I think you’re helping a lot of people.
Best wishes from Austria,
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Letting go of the past so you can move on in life is more of an art than a science. It would be nice if we could turn off our negative emotions and feelings so we would not have to experience them, but experiencing pain is how we learn from our mistakes and become better versions of ourselves. We must feel our pain in order to learn from it, heal it and overcome it. It is the collective accumulation of life experience along our journey that acts like the tools and instruments of life that refine, polish and perfect us, just like pressure and heat perfect a diamond.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne