Are liars and cheaters capable of having trust and integrity in relationships?
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who met a woman at a CrossFit competition. They seemed to connect well, then she unfollowed him on social media after the event was over. She was recently divorced, and he apologized for upsetting her, and she told him she wasn’t ready for anything new. She later admitted she had been having an affair with a married man and that she wanted him to leave his wife for her.
He came unglued when he found out. However, since he was also a cheater in the past, he is inclined to overlook her involvement with a married man. He says he’s in love with her but wonders if she has any integrity and is trustworthy. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Back in March, I met a girl at a CrossFit competition. I went up to her and told her I thought she was sexy as hell.
That’s a great opener, honest. He told her exactly what he thought and was feeling. As Zan Perrion said, “Beauty needs a witness.” That is such a great, true statement. He was a witness to her beauty. To go up in public to somebody like that and just say what’s on your mind, what you’re thinking and feeling, that’s the way to go.
We chatted briefly, and then she told me told me to come watch her heat and I did. We caught up after her heat and talked about it. I told her I really need to get home and we exchanged social media. About 30 minutes later, she DM’d me and told me to come meet her friends and watch her last hear. I did so. I supported her, I was nice and kind.
You’re supposed to be dangerous, but kind, not nice. Nice guys finish last because they’re too soft. Whenever I say that, you usually get a few of the nice guys that get really butt hurt about that. Just like when I talk about “Alpha” and “Beta,” the betas get really upset, because they know they’re not alpha and they don’t like that. “There’s no such thing as alpha and beta!” Even though all human beings understand the difference between alpha and beta, they’re like, “Oh, Corey, there’s no such thing.”
Afterwards, we got an açaí bowl and talked by the beach for about 30 minutes and got to know each other. She told me she just finalized a divorce three weeks ago and wasn’t sure she was ready for anything while talking, and she had two kids. She’s lives three hours away from me, and we got a picture together.
Oh, a picture. A souvenir.
Eventually, her group was leaving and walked to her car. I said, “I hope to see you again,” and gave her a light kiss. I texted her a song to listen to afterwards, because we talked about sharing songs, and she never responded.
Ghosted, poof! Remember, dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the next and wait for them to hit it back.
I woke up this morning and she unfollowed me on Instagram.
Oh, how rude.
I texted her and I said, “I guess I get the indirect message of rejection.”
Keep in mind, this is before he followed my work.
And I apologized if I made her uncomfortable.
So, automatically, he’s assuming he did something wrong.
I said it was awesome to meet her and cross paths. I wish her and her children the best. This was her response:
“Hey Bob. I’m sorry! It’s not so much that I’m uncomfortable as much as I don’t know that I’m ready for anything more than a friendship right now.”
Oh, that’s always fun to read.
“I’m still in a weird stage of my life.”
Just keep in mind, you’ll you’ll find out later on that she’s been fucking some married dude for ten months that she hopes is going to leave his wife.
“I appreciate your kind words. You’re a nice guy, but I just don’t think this is a good time for me. Thanks for being so supportive yesterday and so kind.”
Fast forward to July. A few weeks after that exchange, I reached back out and we’ve been communicating every day, texting and FaceTiming every day.
Well, if you’re long distance from somebody, I’d be doing one FaceTime date per week. If you’re doing it every day, it’s too much, too soon. Because, at the end of the day, if it’s not her idea to reach out, you’re pursuing too much, and she’s got the married guy she’s having an affair with, you’ll see, this kind of ends up in the air.
She was doing 90% of the pursuing.
Okay. That’s good.
I was dating other women and letting her know about it.
Again, I believe this is before he found out she was sleeping with a married guy.
She’s been encouraging and supportive while I’ve been making changes.
Don’t make her your mommy. Don’t be calling her up, “Guess what I did, Mommy. Do I get an ‘attaboy’ today?” Now, listen to how he phrases this next statement…
She let me come down once in April for the indoor Olympics.
Does that sound like a guy that’s like, “I see this woman as an equal and a teammate,” or some dude that’s got her up on a pedestal, drooling all over her feet?
After that, we confined to communicate over distance. Neither of us willing to commit, but feelings increasing.
I’d say, his feelings are increasing. Probably more than hers.
Then she broke down one day, (four weeks ago), and told me she had been sleeping with a married man for 10 months and was in love with him.
A-ha! So, now we find out why the behavior is so squirrelly. Because that’s not something you expect, “Oh, by the way, I’m fucking a married guy. Hopefully we can still hang out.”
I kinda lost my center and went off on her.
Yeah. Don’t be a jack in the box, dude. Masculinity is calm. Getting butt hurt, women don’t like that. That’s not masculine. Feminine energy is chaos, and what happens is you become chaotic. You’re acting like a little girl. Not attractive.
But it made me realized I loved her, and I confessed it. She told me she wanted to try with me but was unsure of her feelings.
A few days later she decided to come to Memphis for the Fourth of July weekend. She did. I planned out the whole weekend. We had amazing sex and an amazing time.
Until Sunday. It was like switch.
Just remember, she was having an affair with the other guy for ten months who’s an unavailable dude. And we don’t know why she got divorced. Maybe she cheated on her husband. Maybe the husband cheated on her. We don’t know. But she’s involved with a married guy, hoping the dude is going to leave his wife for her.
And you have to understand that she just got divorced. So, in the middle of the divorce, she was sleeping with a married guy. I don’t know if that was the reason for it. We don’t know. And this guy doesn’t know, because they’re kind of long distance. She’s like a little black box. Every once in a while, he gets a little sliver of information. Keep in mind, if she’s more emotionally bonded to the other dude, she hasn’t heard from him in a while, and then he reaches out, her emotions are going to completely change, which they do.
She was totally different. I know the man she has been having an affair with reached out. She told me she wanted to go home, and I didn’t fight it.
So, obviously, whatever the conversation was, it was, “Hey, I’m going to cut the weekend short, because my main man got in touch with me.”
A few days later, she told me she wanted him to leave his wife after she spent the weekend with me.
Remember, what was he saying? “But feelings are increasing,” and he confessed his love to her. So, it’s obvious that she has all of the leverage. He’s way more into her than she is into him. But, because the other guy was mostly unavailable, because he’s married after all, when the guy’s not in the picture, she’s going to be more receptive to this guy.
This is why you don’t get involved with people like this. It’s in the book. But obviously, he came to the book after he’d already gotten involved. This is why you just steer clear of these situations, because it’s no fun, emotionally, to be involved with somebody like this. It’s just going to rake you over the coals. It’s like your personal life is on hold. When the other guy is out of the picture or things aren’t looking like they’re going to work out, she’s all over you like white on rice. And all this guy had to do was make one phone call and she’s like, “Alright, I’m cutting the weekend short. Bye.”
I went off again and got upset.
He became a jack in the box. This is not attractive. This is not masculine behavior. You’re acting like a girl. Feminine energy is chaos, and you became chaos. You’re supposed to be the rock, the mountain, the unperturbable man.
We both argued and then apologized.
This sounds like just such a wonderful, fun affair.
We FaceTimed Saturday, and she told me she can’t give what I need right now, despite my love for her.
Yet again, women don’t care how much you love them, how much you like them. They only care about how they feel about you. So, it has no bearing on her interest in you. All that matters is her feelings. And when you act like a jack in the box, you’re going to turn her off.
She reached out the next day and we texted some, then she left me on read.
Well, don’t act like a jack in the box.
I haven’t reached out. My question is for you, would you consider her a liar with no integrity?
Yeah. She’s just absolutely the most honest woman I’ve ever heard about, yeah. Definitely somebody that’s trustworthy. Keep in mind, you’re having sex with her, and meanwhile, she’s got this whole other life going on that you didn’t know about. After all these months of communication and all the time on the phone, she’s in love with another dude that she’s also sleeping with. And after your last sexcapade, she’s like, “Oh, by the way, I asked him to leave his wife for me.”
Remember, human beings make their decisions based upon emotions, and then they use logic and reason to justify those decisions. And so, he’s inclined to just go, “Hey, this is cool.” You want to know why? Because he says…
I have cheated once before, so I can’t throw stones.
Therefore, no matter what she does, he’s going to forgive it, because maybe he feels guilty about what he did in the past. But, at the end of the day, where are we? You’ve got to bottom line her actions. It’s like she cares about the married guy, she likes you, you’re nice distraction and you get her mind off things, but one phone call and she’s like, “My main man called, I’m out of here. I’ll see you later.”
And he hasn’t heard from her since, so, more than likely, things are going well, or she thinks they’re going well with the married guy. He’s probably dangling the carrot, “Oh, yeah, I’m good. I’ve just got to find the right time to leave my wife.” At the end of the day, it’s not good sense to be involved with somebody who’s cheating on their spouse with you. And like attracts like. People who cheat tend to get involved with other people who cheat. I think the stat is like 95% of all relationships that come from lying and cheating, they end in lying and cheating. So, if you’re looking for a healthy, long term relationship, a woman who is fucking a married guy is probably not a good candidate for what you’re looking for.
And so, if it was me, I wouldn’t do anything. You reached out, she left you on read. Never call her or text her again for any reason. More than likely, the other guy, who knows how many other women he’s cheated on his wife with. So, you probably won’t hear from her until things go sideways with the married guy or it looks like he’s not going to leave his wife for her. So, if she does, and you want to continue hanging out with her, I would treat her like a fuck buddy, a friends with benefits.
Again, keep in mind, she just got divorced. This is squirrelly behavior, and you’re trying to have a healthy, monogamous type of relationship with somebody that, based upon her actions…? Again, we don’t know why she got divorced. Maybe she cheated on her husband, maybe he cheated on her. Maybe they both cheated, we don’t know. But it just shows that there’s a lack of character to get involved with somebody that is married to somebody else. It’s just a bad way to go.
I know in the movies they’re like, “Oh, it’s so beautiful. We each married the wrong person” or “They were with the wrong person, and when I came along, they were like, ‘Oh, I’m so happy. I think I’m going to leave my husband,'”or “I’m going to leave my wife.” This is how the real world works. I would say, she probably doesn’t have any integrity, and she really doesn’t care much for this guy. That’s why she dipped out.
She really cares about the married guy, because he’s kind of unattainable. When somebody stays involved with somebody who is unattainable, it’s a way to avoid a relationship. So, when she told you in the beginning she wasn’t really ready for anything, she wasn’t really ready to have a real relationship, because she is in love with the fantasy of this other guy potentially leaving his wife for her. Which, if I’m in Las Vegas, I’m betting he’s probably not going to leave his wife for this woman.
So, if it was me, if she reaches out, hang out, have fun, hook up. I wouldn’t get involved with somebody like this. She’s already jacked you around a bunch, and no matter how much she’s jacked you around, you keep coming back for more. I would have to say, based upon her actions, I wouldn’t think that she has any integrity. But, then again, neither does the guy that wrote the email. So, maybe they’re perfect for each other.
But, if you’ve cheated in the past and you’re like, “I really want that to be in the past,” you don’t get involved with and try to turn a recently divorced woman into your future ex-wife when she’s still having an affair with a married guy, even though she’s sleeping with you. You could say she didn’t really lie, she just didn’t fully disclose all of the facts. So, it’s not technically a lie if she didn’t tell you about it.
But, at the end of the day, you need to work on yourself, man. You need to exercise some self control and not be a jack in the box and lose your shit every time a woman does something that you’re not expecting. But, like I said, I wouldn’t bet on her being a good wife, somebody who’s going to be loyal and faithful to you, just based upon how she’s living her life.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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