What you should do if your long-term relationship has become stagnant, passionless and you have little to no sex.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a very frustrated father of two young children. He says his wife is overly protective of their kids to the point that they can’t even go out on dates anymore, because she refuses to have a babysitter watch their kids. She also sleeps in the same bed with their kids and not with him.
They only have sex about five times per year, and he really resents her for making their marriage take a back seat to her being a mom. He is about ready to leave his wife, but he asks if anything can be done to turn it around. I share some things of what he can do to give his relationship the best chance for success, provided she is willing to participate. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I have been married to my wife for six years now, and we have sex about 5 times a year, which is way less than I’m comfortable with.
(Dude, I don’t blame you. You’re basically roommates and occasional friends with benefits. And obviously, that ain’t what you signed up for. Typically in relationships that go sideways, when I do phone sessions with guys that are married, living together or in a long-term relationship with somebody, when things aren’t going well, it’s usually one of two things. They stop dating and courting their girl or wife, or they don’t know how to communicate with them, so the woman doesn’t feel heard and understood. When the woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, they close.)
She knows how important sex and affection are to me, and she still withholds it anyway.
(I’d say, there’s a good chance she probably doesn’t feel heard and understood, and you probably haven’t been courting her properly. It’s one of the two or maybe a combination of both.)
I know that I am responsible for some of this, but I also feel she has unreasonable expectations of me.
I have listened to hundreds of your videos and get that I need to make her feel safe and comfortable, that I need to court her, and I need to be a mysterious, alpha male.
(Well, if you’re really serious about saving your marriage and turning your relationship around, you need to read my book 10-15 times. The fact that you’re just watching a bunch of videos tells me that you’re lazy and you’re cherry picking information. The idea is, all the videos are based on the assumption that you have read my first book, How To Be A 3% Man. There’s no excuse for not reading the book, because you can actually read it for free on my website by subscribing the the email newsletter.
You’ve got to learn the fundamentals. If you’re not willing to learn the fundamentals, there’s nothing I can do to help you. You might as well start talking to a divorce attorney. You must change your behavior. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re going to continue to get what you always got. You must participate in your own rescue.)
However, none of these things are fully possible, because she is 100% focused on caring for the children.
(When you’re in a relationship, when you’re married and parenting, the relationship with your significant other should come first and the kids come after that, because if you don’t focus on having a great, strong relationship between the two of you, the relationship’s not going to last, and your kids are going to suffer the consequences of that.
To give you an example of what does happen sometimes, after my mother had my brother, who was three years younger than me, something changed in her, and she became very overprotective, didn’t like a lot of people being around her kids, and that became her sole mission for living and existing in life. In a lot of ways, she neglected my father, and kind of put him in the back seat. Obviously, if you’ve read my books, especially my second book, Mastering Yourself, then you know where things eventually ended up with my mother. Some women will change and will make it next to impossible to have a relationship.)
She is extremely overprotective of them and won’t allow babysitters to watch the kids, and it makes it impossible for us to date.
(I can see that being difficult. If she won’t even let family members babysit the kids, that’s kind of ridiculous and unreasonable.)
She also co-sleeps with a 2 and 5-year old in a different room than me and refuses to stop until the kids don’t want to anymore.
(Now the kids are in charge of the marriage and relationship. She basically has submitted to the will of her children. That is not going to be a recipe for success. She can’t just neglect and ignore her husband. That’s absurd. That’s not normal behavior.)
She is even refusing a free trip to a 5-star resort in Mexico with me, because she is worried about leaving the children for a week. I have confronted her on this, (I always stand up for myself), and she is fully aware of my feelings on the issue. I feel like I could fix some of this, but the rest is out of my control.
Honestly the whole thing just makes me really angry. It makes it hard to want to court her, when deep down I resent her, that she would devalue our relationship like this.
(That’s probably something you should tell her when you sit down and have a conversation about this. You need to have a heart-to-heart with your wife. If you want things to change, you’re going to have to make the effort. You have to tell her you want to get back to dating and having fun together, because at this point, you two are basically glorified roommates.
She may be unwilling to change. She may dig her heels in and just say nope. And if she’s unwilling to compromise and unwilling to get back to dating, having fun and playing together, there’s not a lot you can do. Some women get to this point, and it might not be salvageable.
Again, it requires the two of you willing to work on your relationship. What it sounds like is, she’s willing to give the children control of your marriage and relationship, and any guy would resent that. That’s not normal behavior.)
It makes me want to leave her and get back at her for making me so miserable for years.
I am torn. I could try to sweep her off her feet, but I don’t feel like she deserves it.
(Either way, whether it’s with your wife or a new woman, you have to continually date and court her. I’d say 99% of the guys who come to me that are in a similar situation, they’re already in marriage counseling and therapy, and their wife still doesn’t want to sleep with them and have sex with them.
I would give it at least 90 days. Make the effort to start dating and courting her again, and I highly recommend you read my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, 10-15 times so you can clean up your game and start learning to be more playful. Because right now, being more pissed off at her, being angry all the time and saying “I’m not going to date her because she isn’t giving up the pussy,” that’s not a winning strategy. That’s a strategy that will get you to the point where the two of you will be having no sex at all.
If you can control how you show up, how you date and court her, you start doing everything right as a man, you start acting masculine, you become playful, you start focusing on your purpose and mission, you get back to the gym and taking care of yourself, making yourself a great catch, you’re doing these things because you want to be a better man. You’re not doing it just because you want to get back in your wife’s box. And you will either re-attract your wife and things will get better, or not.
Be the perfect husband, follow the things I teach in my book, How To Be A 3% Man, and if after 90 days, she still has the attitude of “Fucking pound sand. I’m not interested in going on dates. I’m not interested in sleeping in your bed anymore. I’m not interested in compromising in any way,” and she’s unwilling to participate, then what are your choices? You either put up with a loveless, sexless marriage, or you say “Fuck this. I want to be a great father and a great example to my children someday when they’re old enough to understand what’s going on, and therefore, I can’t make my wife do what I want her to do.”
She has to choose this willingly. If she’s unwilling to choose it, then you’re going to choose to leave her and go find somebody else. But you have to give it at least 90 days where you get back to doing everything right, because if you just keep going the way you’re going and watching a few videos here and there, shit ain’t going to get any better.
If you do everything right for 90 days, and it doesn’t work out, you gave it your best shot. Go talk to your divorce attorney and plan your exit strategy. Pull the trigger and leave, because your kids need to see what a happy healthy relationship looks like. If you just stay in it for the kids like a lot of people do, eventually she’s going to cut you off and you’re going to be getting no sex. You’re going to be angrier, and you’re going to have a situation where you’re basically roommates in a loveless, sexless marriage.
When your kids grow up, that’s all they’re going to know. That’s the example that you and your wife have set for them, therefore that’s the kind of relationship they’re going to get in. So not only do you need to look out for yourself, but you need to think about your children and providing them the best example, because it will help them not to make the same mistakes you have made in your life.)
“It takes two people who are ready, willing, able and open to having a relationship to make it work. One person can’t make all the effort exclusively to make a relationship work without the others mutual effort. You only have control over what you do in relationship. You could be the best partner in the world, but if the other person is unwilling or refuses to make the required effort to make it work, sometimes walking away to find someone else is your only option to find happiness again. Life is too short to be miserable and put up with someone who is unwilling or unable to do what is necessary to make a relationship work. If you’re a parent, the best thing you can do for your kids is to leave a dysfunctional relationship, so you can attract a great partner and be a great example of what love is supposed to be. Your kids will imitate whatever example you set for them. That’s something to think about.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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