Living Together Unexpectedly. The True Test Of A Relationship

How living together too soon can be the true test of a relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who shares a success story of how he met the current woman he’s been dating for most of this year. She’s from the states and he lives in the UK. She originally was only there for 6 months but extended her stay. Now he’s under pressure to get married in order to stay together and he reluctantly let her move in to pay rent with him and his child from another relationship. Now he’s climbing the walls because they both work from home and he’s been really cranky and irritable. He’s not sure what to do and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Living Together Unexpectedly. The True Test Of A Relationship.”

So this particular email is kind of a success story. It’s from a guy he lives in the UK, and earlier this year in January, he met a girl from the States who was there, I guess for about six months, like I guess on an extended vacation or whatever. She works remotely so she can pretty much work anywhere. So bottom line, she’s there for six months. They start dating. He doesn’t really say they’re boyfriend girlfriend or it had got serious or anything, but he really liked her. She has a lot of the characteristics he’s looking for.

And by the way, he’s got a child from another relationship that lives with him. And so he’s 38. He’s like, “I’ve always been alone. 80% of the time, I love being by myself.” Which I can totally relate. I’m the type of guy whenever I get some peace or some quiet because I always got people over at my house. It’s like, man, it sure is nice. It’s nice to be alone with your thoughts. Put some music on, catch up on some YouTube videos or podcasts you want to. And I really enjoy being alone. And anybody that, if you’re going to be good company for somebody, you got to be first.

You got to be good company for yourself. You got to really enjoy being alone. Because if you don’t like being alone and you don’t enjoy your own company, then you’re quite frankly, you’re not going to be very good company to somebody else in a relationship. And so they continue to date. But I guess the nature of her visa, maybe it’s just a tourist visa or whatever, but the only way for her to stay in the UK is if they get married. He’s kind of open to that, but he’s like, “man, it’s really rushed.” And so she had to leave, go back to the States, something to do with her visa. Then when she came back, she didn’t have a place.

I guess there wasn’t an Airbnb that was inexpensive enough. And so he had her move in and she’s going to pay rent. He’s she’s barely been there two weeks. And they both work from home. And he’s like it’s not going well. He’s very cranky. He said he’s irritable. He lost all interest in romance and he’s kind of like jumping out of his skin. And she said, “do you want me to leave?” Because he made it known that he was pretty unhappy, and he definitely gave her the impression and the feeling that he didn’t like her being there. So he’s like, he asked my opinion. So this is what I think is great about living with people.

Is that because you can have a nice relationship, they have their place, you have yours. But typically under normal circumstances, normal relationships. I’m talking about where you’re really close. And the one thing I will say before I get into this guy’s email is it just seems there’s a total lack of intimacy. It’s like he kind of kept her at arm’s length, almost like a multiple time a week booty call. And then now all of a sudden they’re kind of on top of each other. He’s like, whoa, it’s too much. Me personally, in all the relationships I’ve had, most of the time I end up living with my girlfriends and I really enjoy living with a woman.

But that’s me. And it’s like some guys. I mean, there are some people that, quite frankly, are better off alone or better off having a girlfriend or a significant other that they keep at arm’s length. And maybe this guy’s one of them. But like I said, there’s obviously something missing in the relationship, because if you’ve been dating for the better part of a year and she spends barely two weeks with you and you’re already ready to jump out of your skin, that’s not a good sign.

For me, it’s always been, if like, the relationship just naturally progresses because as I talk about in 3% Man, what typically happens is, the idea for the guy is to try to set one date a week and no more than that. It’s just not necessary because you’re trying to go slightly slower than the woman, so you don’t rush her. Because most guys are rushing women and trying to lock them down to a commitment. So just by doing measured steps of one day to week, most women in the West, sleep with a guy by the second or third week.

So your week two, week three of dating. Now you’re hooking up, you’re intimate. And usually what happens if you’re only calling her or texting her once a week to make a date, and then you have your date and you hook up within a day or two of that, she’s going to be texting you or saying, “hey.” Or something like that, or sending you a meme about something. And then that starts a conversation. And as The Book says, you assume if she’s reaching out to you, it’s probably because she’s missing you and she’s thinking about you, and she probably wants to see you.

So create an opportunity for sex to happen and make the next date happen. And as you do that and you get three, four, five weeks into it, and typically, as The Book says, somewhere in between weeks six, seven, eight, ideally mostly to week seven, week eight is when a woman falls in love and wants to be exclusive. And when you’re two or three months into it and you live in the same city, you’re not like a plane ride apart or whatever. You’re not doing long distance.

Typically, what’s going to end up happening is she’s going to be at your place, or you’re going to be at hers just about every night. And so you’re kind of already kind of living together, just going back and forth between each other’s houses. And that’s normal. It’s always been my experience is that the girl pretty much, I mean, she takes over your bathroom countertop and your extra sink and then there’s, you know, there’s a blow dryer, curling iron, there’s just makeup, makeup brushes. Shits just everywhere.

And you got a little space in your closet. She’s got her shit everywhere. It’s that’s just what happens. They’re kind of like the Borg. You get assimilated slowly over time. And that usually happens within typically 3 to 4 months. And so, I mean, if you’re ten months down the road like this guy is and you’re kind of living together, I mean, there should be a closeness and an intimacy. And if you really get along well and you have similar goals and similar values, it should be really enjoyable having her around. And if it’s not, then that’s a different issue. So with that in mind let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

Firstly, a big thank you for everything you do. You have changed the game in my dating, relationship and general life. Even though I am very much a work in progress, things are generally much better having found your work. So thanks. I come to you with a success story, but one laced with issues. I would like your opinion on a current problem; one that may make for an interesting newsletter. I am a British journalist and author living in Wales. In January this year, I met an American woman traveling to the UK for six months. Let’s call her Jessica.

A lot of Jessicas and Bobs in the world. You guys ever notice that?

I met her just one week into her arrival and we clicked very hard. I had dated very strategically over the months and wouldn’t settle for mediocre. So when Jessica arrived, I was thrilled to hit it off from the first date. She’s sweet, attractive, hardworking, great sense of humor, creative, shares my ethics, has a good body and most importantly is super easy-going and easy to get along with.

Well, that’s essential if you’re going to live together. She’s got to be easygoing, easy to get along with. Women that are kind of cranky and a pain in the ass and very moody, pfft. Boy, the shine of that beauty wears off really quickly when you move in together. This is why it’s super important that, I mean, typically you should move in if you’re going to do that after a year or two, you get married maybe after 2 or 3 years. And I mean, if you’ve been together three years, you should know whether or not you’re going to get married and spend your life together, or you just want her as your baby mama.

Kind, thoughtful, generous, great communicator, a writer, and has a lovely American accent.

Well, actually, you guys have the lovely UK accent. We don’t have accents here.

She’s also not that keen on social media, which is another big plus for me.  All in all, a good woman. Your advice was useful during my dating life and, when I met Jessica, I was confident and calm. By our second date, Jessica was complimenting me on my masculinity, not something I had been complimented on before. and at one stage said, “I love how much you take the lead – it’s so refreshing.” As we cuddled up in the bar, I smiled and thought of you. Although I can assure you, I was not thinking of you as I took her home and had sex with her.

Well, why’d you bring it up? So you, like, imagine me in the corner? It’s like, “Really get your back into it, Buddy. Thrust harder! Come on. Really put some feeling into that. Come on. Get that butt flopping in the air.” It’s like, can you imagine. Now there’s going to be some dudes going to watch this like, “Coach, I can’t get you out of my head when I’m having sex with my girlfriend now damn it.” You’re welcome. Just think of me in the corner just rooting me on. “Yeah. Go for it, pound her. Pound away. That’s it. Harder. Faster. Longer. Stronger.”

Six months later and things have been good, but they are starting to unravel. In June, Jessica had to return to the US for a month to satisfy some visa stuff and, long story short, it looks like we have to get married by around January next year. Too soon in my eyes.

Yeah, I agree.

But if that’s what it takes then fine. 

Yeah, I wouldn’t be so flippant about just getting married, dude. That’s a big deal and a big commitment. Especially somebody moving from overseas. Take your time. That’s the hard thing about if you’re going to date somebody from another country, the longer you’re together, the more in essence the governments of those countries.

“Hey, if you want to keep seeing each other, you better get married or else we’re going to create problems for you. We might not let her back in. We may let her spend a 14 hour plane ride over here and go. You know, you’ve been here too much, so we’re going to send you back on another 14 hour plane ride home. Because just because.”

They have the power to do that, which can be nerve wracking, especially if you’re traveling together and then you’re waiting for your girl to go through customs and all that bullet proof glass and stuff and go, they’re going to let her in or not. And of course, you’ve got all these other assholes walking across the border, and the government VIP flies them all over the country, puts them up for free room and board, house food, everything. Food stamps, food cards. It’s like, yeah, makes a lot of sense. Anyways, back to our regularly scheduled email. Trump 2024.

Anyway, after her month away, which was very tough on us both.

Well, that means at least hopefully you guys missed each other.

We met in Italy and had a vacation, before returning to the UK together two weeks ago. As we got back to Wales, we had to address the issue that she didn’t have a place to stay. She was relying on Airbnb, but this worked out too expensive, and she couldn’t find a suitable short-term rental otherwise.

Well, again, I guess she was just there for vacation, so she probably budgeted a certain amount and was willing to spend extra for it, and she probably wasn’t planning on living in the UK or extending her stay. But after six months, what are you going to do? I mean, every time I’ve dated internationally, they always end up living with me. It’s like, what are you gonna do, “go stay in a hotel, bitch.” It’s like, come on. It’s like you want her there.

If you really care about her and you love each other, you’re going to be delighted that she’s with you. You get breakfast in bed, maybe pancakes. Hopefully. She doesn’t burn them. Doesn’t burn your eggs, like some people I know do it on purpose so they don’t have to cook for their significant other anymore. Now I’m going to hear some shit about that.

The only other option was staying in my house and paying me some rent to contribute towards bills. I reluctantly agreed, but I instantly panicked. 

Well, the good news is that was your best thinking. I mean, what else are you going to do? “Hey, go stay in an Airbnb bitch. I’ll call you when I need you. I’ll call you when I need a release.” Yeah. After eight, ten months of dating, you’re going, Oh, God. I don’t really want her staying with me.” It’s like, do you really like her that much? But you notice that something that’s missing by this point in our story. Not boyfriend/ girlfriend. Doesn’t say nothing. It’s almost like, “oh, shit. My booty call came to live with me. My friends with benefits moved in. What the hell?”

Even though I am 38 and have a kid, I have never lived with anyone else, aside from my parents.

Well, I think you’re missing out.

I have always been brutally attached to my own space.

Well, it is nice to have your own space. And like I was saying in the beginning of the video, I love having my time alone. But it really is sweet to wake up with a cute girl in your arms every day and live together. I enjoy it, that’s me. I know some of you guys that from certain communities bitch, “oh, you should never live with a girl.

Don’t ever let your girlfriend live with you.” It’s like. Why not? It could be a lot of fun. If you made a good choice you’re gonna have a blast, and you’ll create lots of great memories. And that’s the beauty of life, is that you accumulate a lot of great memories. And I have a lot of great memories.

I like to spend 80% of my time alone. It’s just the way I am.

Well, if you kind of look at how the relationship is, he kind of keeps the woman at arm’s length. So it’s kind of like a booty call, friends with benefits. Again, he doesn’t say nothing about boyfriend girlfriend. I don’t even know if they’re exclusive. Usually that kind of comes up in the email.

While myself and Jessica get on very well, her moving into my house has now put pressure on the relationship. I have become really moody, lost a lot of playfulness, and generally lost interest in romance.

Well, maybe you spend too much time at home and you should get out of your house more.

I’m now spending more time looking forward to being apart than together.

Well, you got to have some time alone in your man cave. That is essential for all guys. And it may be just going and catching up with a few buddies and having some beer in the pub, the local pub around the corner, or going for a walk in nature, or just get out of the house and go do something different. Because all of us guys, we need time alone to think, because we tend to process our problems and our issues by contemplating and thinking about them and stewing about them.

And then we come up with a decision and then we implement it. Whereas women, they just talk and talk and talk and then they come to their solution through their talking. That’s why it drives women crazy that we don’t talk or we don’t want to talk about our problems or our feelings. It’s like we’re just not like that.

All in the space of two weeks. I’ve noticed my flaws, and have corrected them where possible, but there has still been a lot of tension.

Well, if you really like this girl, you should love having her there. But if you’re already sick of her after a couple of days. Again, it doesn’t really sound like you guys were that close. Like you kind of kept her at arm’s length, like she was just a booty call. And so you would see, like you said, strategically, once or twice a week, she’d probably come over and spend the night, and that was enough for you.

And so maybe you could say, “hey, it’s too much too soon.” And then maybe you do something where she gets a small house or a small efficiency, or she rents something not too far away. Because, I mean, the reality is that if after ten months of dating and she’s been two weeks in your house and you’re about to jump out of your skin, you probably shouldn’t be living with her. Or maybe anybody for that matter. Because it’s not going to work. You’re going to make each other miserable. But maybe you’re being too much of a hardass. Maybe you need to take the stick out of your butt and loosen up a little bit.

It’s a small house and finding space away from each other is difficult. We both work from home, which adds to the fact that we are constantly around each other, while she doesn’t really have a social life in the UK – so no real friends aside from one or two she meets for coffee occasionally. I go and see family, friends and my daughter, but I also need to be in the house quite a bit for work.

Well, maybe you could go get some small office somewhere that they have those. I know they have them in the States. They have office buildings here that you got a swipe card to get into. And I mean, you can literally rent like a little ten by ten office, an eight by ten, an eight by eight or bigger. Something with a desk or a view. Those are usually fairly inexpensive, depending on, you know, the area that you’re at.

So maybe that would help out, just being able to have your own space to go and collect your thoughts, maybe something like that. Maybe you get yourself an office and maybe both of you use the office. Maybe some days of the week she goes and uses the office. Other days you use it. But the fact that after two weeks of her being with you all the time you’re going bananas and you’re being cranky. That’s not a good sign. So he goes and he sees family, his daughter. He’s at the house most of the time.

We are both good communicators, so we have been working on issues and are still having fun at times, but not as often as before. Yet after a difficult few days where I was particularly irritable.

So you’re allowing her to see another side of you. So you were putting on an act. “Look at me. I’m Mr. Happy all the time.” Come to find out, you’re a cranky bitch. I can relate, sometimes I get that way, I get irritable. It happens. Sometimes people wake up. Every woman you live with, sometimes she’s going to wake up a little cranky, a little irritable. Just depends on how she handles it. Does she take it out on you, or does she just say, “oh, I’m sorry, honey, just kind of in a shitty mood today. It’s nothing to do with you.”

She told me that if I didn’t want her here, she would move out and go back to the USA. That’s not what I want.

Well, you clearly don’t want (something) is you’re having a problem with her being in your space all the time. So you need space. So what are your choices? You kick her out and get her a small apartment. Or maybe you go rent yourself a little office on a month to month, or a six month lease to where you can just get out of the house and go do your own thing.

Have some time alone in your man cave. It would probably be good for you to get out of the house anyways, instead of being at home so much. And then when you come home, you can come home to your girl and maybe hopefully a home cooked meal.

I want things to return to how they were before. Where I lived alone and saw her 3 to 4 times a week for fun, quality time.

So in other words, a booty call. He wanted a booty call 3 or 4 times a week, so he doesn’t like her being there. So if you don’t like being around her, I mean, what do you think’s going to happen? You date another year. You already, after almost a year together, you don’t like being with her. What do you think’s going to change in a year? I don’t see anything changing in a year. What it looks like to me is that this was a booty call. And again, he never said anything about this is my girlfriend. Never once used the word girlfriend. So there’s a lack of closeness and intimacy here.

Again, it just seems like he kept his booty call at arm’s length. And now she’s living with him. And he doesn’t like it. He didn’t want her around that much. So you should probably reexamine your reasons of why you’re even in the relationship in the first place. Because, I mean, like I said, if it was me, I’d be delighted that my girlfriend was staying with me. But again, you don’t even refer to her as your girlfriend, so she’s clearly you’re probably not as into her as you maybe tried to imply in the beginning of the letter.

I envisaged we would buy a house together and live together a few years down the line, but didn’t expect this to happen so soon.

Well, life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.

I feel I’ve lost some of my freedom and we’ve moved in too soon. My question to you is, am I approaching this badly? Is my desire for space too selfish or too childish?

I would say it sounds like an issue of interest.

Should I just suck it up and accept that this is reality? If so, any tips on creating space from each other?

Well, like I said, if I was you probably in a more inexpensive way to go about it is just go lease yourself a little office space to where you can go and work several times during the week. If she’s going to be at home, and then maybe she’ll clean the house and do other girly things, that would be really nice. And then this way you can have an office to go to, and maybe the days that you don’t go to the office, she goes to the office and does her work there, and you could try that out, that’d be probably the most economical thing to do.

Because renting a little office space and an office building just has a tiny little space. You know, when I was living with my dad, I was renting a space like that, and it was, I think the thing was like 7 by 7 or 8 by 8. It was real small. It was just a square box in a nice office building. I think I was paying 250 bucks a month for it, so it was really cheap.

Ultimately, this could be a good test of things to come. I.e., if we can live together in a small house in less-than-ideal circumstances, we will be fine in the future in a bigger house. But currently things aren’t great and I feel my mental health is suffering because of it.  What would you do in this situation?

Any advice you can offer is much appreciated. 

Once again, thanks for your work. It’s inspirational, and I’ve recommend your books to my friends. Many have been reading 3% Man, and those who do are on course to better things. 

Yours, 

Bob

Well, again, I would go get myself a little office space, but it looks like you got bigger problems, dude. I mean, the fact that you’ve been dating someone for ten months and you don’t even refer to her as your girlfriend. It just sounds like you moved your booty call in, and that’s too much. So that’s what I would do if I were you.

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