What you should do if your long term girlfriend says she loves and misses you but won’t commit to dates.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for years. However, he admits, until recently, he only cherry picked information from videos and he paid the price for not being a serious student. His girlfriend of 1 year keeps promising to come over and spend the night but has flaked out several times in a row. Then she calls and tells him that she misses him, wants to snuggle and then ignores his invitations for her to come over.
He has been complaining and getting butt-hurt, but the bottom line is that she is saying one thing and doing another. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
You could tell he’s getting angry, upset and butt-hurt. And if we bottom line her actions, it’s obvious she’s not as attracted to him as he was, more than likely, because he didn’t learn what was in the book and he didn’t apply it consistently. So, he got some attainable success, but over many months, he got lazy and kind of went back to the old way that he used to be because, again, he didn’t take the time to learn the fundamentals in the book.
So, it’s like he cherry picks from videos, things turn around, he learns just enough to kind of make things a little better. He sees they’re a little bit better, and he’s like, “Hey, I’m good.” It’s just like what guys in long term relationships do; they stop dating and courting their girlfriend. They’re like, “Hey, we’re in a relationship, we live together, we’re married, we’ve got kids, we’ve got a 30-year mortgage. She ain’t going anywhere.” Then they just stop dating and courting her, and they wonder why she gets upset.
So, at the end of the day, there are no shortcuts to success. You’ve got to put the time in, you’ve got to put the effort in. And if you’re going to be a serious student and avoid these things altogether, and have one of those great success stories that I like to read from time to time, those people, 10, 15, 20 times they’ve read the book. And this guy hasn’t. I mean, as a coach, all I can do is suggest. It’s up to the student on how much or how little they want to spend time actually learning it.
I hope you are well and things are going outstanding for you. Thank you for all your hard work. I am on the 7th read of your book and also watch your videos almost daily or use them as a reminder when I see things going sideways in my relationship and the ship needs a course correction.
Well, the idea is not to wait until things get really bad, but watch the videos from time to time to make sure you don’t slip up. You don’t want to wait until things get really bad. Obviously, in this case, where your girl tells you how much she cares about you but just can’t seem to find the time to actually come spend time with you, and then tells you that she misses you after she blows you off, you want to avoid these things.
Because when you’re in a relationship and you go through this, this is not pleasant emotionally. It makes it hard to go and concentrate on work, your mission and purpose in life. It makes you less motivated to go to the gym and take care of yourself. And it preoccupies your mind with emotional issues that, quite frankly, you shouldn’t be having to deal with. The idea is you want to work smarter, not harder, and this guy is working way harder and not smarter.
I have to admit, when I first found out about you on google years ago, I cherry picked the videos and it caused me hardship, and that was my fault for not being a serious student!
Well, if you’ve been following me for all those years and you still only read the book seven times, you’re still not a serious student. That’s just a fact.
My question is, I’m in a long term relationship over a year now with my current girlfriend, she is telling me she misses me and loves me but will not commit to dates with me. She changed plans on me on 2 days back-to-back, when she committed to spending the nights at my place when she didn’t have her daughter. She told me her new job has her exhausted and that she was so tired and couldn’t make it. I said, “Okay, no problem. Get some rest and get a hold of me when you can.”
If we bottom line her actions, it doesn’t matter how much she says she loves you and cares about how important you are. The bottom line is, she’s not coming over and spending time with you. Why? Because she feels she can get away with it, because she’s taking you for granted. She’s telling you what she thinks you need to hear to keep you interested and happy, but at the end of the day, she doesn’t feel internally enough like she is dying to see or spend time with you. And that’s the important thing. She’s not excited.
Just like when a guy is making a date with a girl for the first time, he wants somebody that’s like, “Hell yeah, I’d love to see you. I’d love to make a date with you. That would be wonderful!” But instead he’s getting the, “Oh, yeah. I really miss you, I really care. I really want to see you. Oh, shucks, I just don’t have the time. I’m kind of tired right now. I’m just going to lay down on the couch.” She falls asleep and, “Oh, I’m sorry, baby. I never came over last night.” It just shows those are her priorities.
What you should do is match and mirror. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. You don’t keep begging and asking somebody to come over and see you when they don’t follow through on it. As the book says, ask twice. And if she bails out like she’s done a number of times, just don’t ask anymore. Match and mirror her. If she’s calling you and telling you how much she cares, you can mirror her, “Oh, I care. I’ve missed you too. Hey, I’m going to head to work. Great hearing your voice. Have a great day,” and then just go about your business and don’t even invite her over.
The next morning, she texted that she loves me and misses me and will come over after work when she gets done running errands. She said she had to grocery shop for her and her daughter, since her daughter will be back the next day from the ex. I said, “Okay, text me when you get everything put away.” She got off work at 5:00 pm and headed to the store to pick up her curbside order. She told me when she got home, it was around 6:00 pm, and said she has to clean up, put the groceries away and pack her bag with work clothes before coming over. I said okay.
We always look what people do, not what they say.
So, I waited and waited, I called her around 10 pm and said, “How are you coming along?” and she said, “Hey, I am sorry. I fell asleep on the couch. I am going to get up soon, just taking some time to myself. I still have to pack a bag. I will text you when I leave.” Needless to say, I went to bed at midnight and she never showed up.
The key in what she said, “I need to take some time for myself,” that tells me she’s not missing him that much. She’s really not that interested. Her attraction and interest has dropped, and yet she’s maintained the facade that everything is fine. But the reality is that, as a man, you’ve got to look at that and go, “Oh, the kitty cat seems to be a little bored with me, and has taken me for granted.” And what’s the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention? Remove yours.
She’s taking you for granted. She says she misses you, but the bottom line is she ain’t missing you that much. And being angry that she says that and doesn’t come over is not going to help your situation. All it does is communicate that you’re butt-hurt and upset about it. It’s good that you call her out on it, but at the end of the day, you’ve got to bottom line her actions. Because, again, women don’t want to hurt your feelings.
And more than likely, like most women, she intellectually knows she should be coming over to see you, but emotionally, she’s just like, “I don’t really feel like it.” That’s how she feels about you in the present moment. You don’t take it personally. It’s just indicative of where she’s at. And as you said, you’ve been following me for several years and still barely just got to 7 reads. And more than likely, all the reads are probably recently. So, you did it to yourself, my man.
She called me in the morning and said, “I am so sorry. I fell asleep on the couch again and woke up at 4 am and went up to bed.” She said she loves me and misses me, and I said, “You know, you committed to coming over here 2 nights in a row and you didn’t show up.”
Yeah, that’s pretty rude.
“If you needed the days to yourself without your daughter for peace and quiet to recharge, you could have told me that yesterday and I could have been making other plans. Instead, I waited around for 2 days and you never showed up.” She got irritated and said, “I didn’t know I had to be on a schedule with you.”
At the end of the day, it’s a good thing that you called her out. She deserved to be called out. And calling her out on the fact that her words and actions don’t match.
And I replied, “Hey, I am just pointing out that you were not being respectful of my time,” to which she replied, “I love and miss you, but I have to get ready for work.”
“See you later! Buh-bye! I have to go now.”
That night she texted me again, “I miss you, just putting my daughter to bed.”
At that point, I would have been like, “Well, have a good night.”
I said, “Well then, come over Friday after work if you miss me so much.”
The bottom line is, if you look at her actions, you know she doesn’t miss you that much.
She didn’t reply to that.
Again, that shows you her interest is just low, dude. I would say her interest is a 5 or a 6 out of 1-10 right now. It’s better to underrate it than overrate it, and you’re overrating it. You’ve called her out for wasting your time, and then you give her the opportunity to waste your time again and take you for granted. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours.
And since she didn’t reply to that, I would make plans for Friday night with somebody else. If she goes, “Oh, I’m going to come see you Friday,” I’d be like, “Oh, I can’t. I made other plans.” If she says, “Oh, you told me you want me to come,” you’re like, “Yeah, but you you didn’t show up for at least two nights this past week. And then when I mentioned coming over Friday, you ignored me, so I made other plans. Obviously, you’ve got other things going on, so I’m going to go spend time with people that love and care about me, and miss me, and want to see me. You’ll just have to get in line.”
The next morning, she writes, “I need you to snuggle me. I miss my daddy.” And I again asked her out and have a specific time to be at my house and told her to dress for a date. Again, no reply.
The book says twice. You ask twice. No more than twice. This is why.
Again, at night she tells me she loves me and misses me, and I said, “Well, come see me then if you miss me.” Again, no reply.
I wouldn’t ask anymore. You know, and I know, and the rest of the audience that’s watching this knows that she ain’t coming over, therefore, she doesn’t miss you. And then what? What do you do? You give her the gift of missing you.
My question is that this a long term relationship, we have spent a lot of time together, most of which is her idea, but now she is being flakey. Is it okay at this point to call her and talk to her and say, “Hey, I asked you out 3 times, and you have not replied. You have never done this in a year of being together. We have never gone 7 days without any physical touch or intimacy. What’s going on with you?”
Well, this is something where I would have a one-on-one in person. But, as a man, if you take a step back and look at it, she doesn’t want to see you right now. For whatever reason, she doesn’t want to see you. She probably feels smothered. She’s obviously turned off. Her interest has dropped. She’s telling you things that sound good, but her actions don’t match her words.
And so, if you bottom line her actions, you’ll just go, “Oh, my girlfriend’s got low interest because I got sloppy again.” You’re getting upset with her, or mad at her, or butt-hurt and then constantly offering yourself up for another date when she just blows you off and ignores you. She doesn’t even respect you enough to reply to your invitation for a date after she texted you.
Stop inviting her. I would not ask her out again until she says she asks to see you. I would be busy. And when she texts you at night, text her back in the morning, “Oh, hey. Sorry, I was out with a friend. I hope you have a great day.” Give her the same priority in your life that she has given you in hers. Match and mirror those actions. You don’t need to say anything, you don’t need to be berate her, you don’t need to get angry with her.
You just need to look at it, bottom line it and go, “Yeah, my girlfriend’s really taking me for granted. She doesn’t appreciate me very much. So you know what? I’m going to go see my mom. I’m going to go see my sister. I’m going to go hang out with the boys, my best friends. I’m going to work on cleaning out my garage. Maybe I’ll go hit the gym. Maybe I’ll go on a little weekend excursion mountain biking with the dudes, or rock climbing, or hiking. Or go to the gun range. Practice with pistol and rifle transition.” Come on!
Or should I just leave her be until she commits to seeing me on a regular basis again? I feel her drifting away from me, and her actions are definitely not matching her words at this point.
Well, like I said, I wouldn’t call her or text her again for any reason. I’d wait to hear from her. If she’s sweet to you, “Oh, I miss you,” it’s like, “Yeah, babe, I miss you too. Have a great night.” Don’t bring up getting together again until she brings it up first. And then, when she texts you late at night, I wouldn’t respond until the next morning, just to match and mirror that. Unless she texts you something about seeing you. That’s what I would do. I’d wait until she brought it up.
If she texts you during the day, take longer than you normally would to reply to it. Because, again, she’s showing you that you’re really not a priority to her. And so, if she says, “Oh, I miss you. Good morning, sweetie,” text her in the afternoon like, “Hey, I miss you too. Have a great day,” just like that. And she’ll notice that you’re saying the same flowery bullshit back to her that she’s saying to you, but “He’s not asking me out anymore. He seems to be pretty happy. He seems to be having a damn good time without me. I wonder why that is. He’s taking longer to reply to my messages. And then when I texted him last night, he didn’t text me back until this morning. I wonder what he’s doing. What’s he up to? He sounds like he’s getting along just fine without me. We can’t have this. I’ve got to find out what he’s doing.” That’s what I would do if I were you.
But, in the meantime, you’ve got to be reading the book, 10 to 15 times. After several years, it’s like, come on, man. Seriously, there are no shortcuts to success. That’s how I would handle this at this point. Because the problem is you notice that she backed off, and instead of you matching and mirroring that, you just started complaining about it, and then asking her out for dates, and then she ignores it. When you extend an invitation to somebody and it’s dismissed like it’s worthless, well, I’m going to give that person the same low priority in my life that they have given me and theirs. It’s only fair.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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