Why losing yourself in your hobbies and interests is the best way to attract a new romance.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man, 8 times. He says, he recently blew it with a girl that he had strong feelings for. Due to his own neediness, clinginess, and fear of being cheated on, he eventually drove her away. However, he got his routine back on track, went back to the gym, and reimmersed himself in healthy hobbies and interests. He began rock climbing again, and met a striking new girl who also just had gone through a breakup. His initial approach came on a little strong, but she is displaying signs of pursuit for the two of them. To hangout and have fun. He is wondering how he can successfully transition this into romance. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, Lose Yourself In Your Hobbies & Interests To Attract New Women.
Well, I’ve got an email. This particular guy, he says he’s read 3% Man eight times so far. But he says he recently blew it with a girl that he really liked because he said his own neediness and his fear of cheating drove her away. And so, he did what the book teaches people to do when they’ve had a breakup. And how to get back on track and find somebody new.
Because the best medicine, especially if a relationship has ended and it’s completely over. And there’s no way you’re going back to each other, is to find somebody new. But not just any old person or any old average person, but somebody who you click with on a much deeper level. Somebody that you have similar goals, similar values, similar interests.
And so, my advice is always the same to guys that are in those positions where they’ve had a breakup. Whether they were dating for a few months, or they were together ten years, whatever it happens to be, is the best thing to make you forget about the past, is somebody that just absolutely knocks your socks off and enchants you.
And so, what can you do to put yourself in a position to where you’re hanging out with like minded people on a social context that you can meet, and the connections can happen. So this particular guy, after he screwed up, he got back in track in the gym and he decided he wanted to get more involved in his hobbies and his interests.
And one of the things that he happens to really like is rock climbing. And so, what he started to do is like, “Hey, I started signing up for other groups just to hang out and rock climb with other groups of people”, and it hadn’t been like two weeks later that he meets this new girl from there, and she’d literally just gotten out of a breakup herself.
And so, he came off a little strong with just the way he phrased things to ask her out. But she’s been pursuing him and they’ve been hanging out, and she’s been kind of like, “Hey, I just had a break up two weeks ago, so let’s, let’s be cool. Slow your roll.” In other words, she’s telling him to go slow.
He’s letting her do all the pursuing. But I don’t think there’s anything romantic happening yet. And he’s like, “How do I transition from that, to romance?” So, it’s a good email for a guy that’s just gotten back out there, met somebody he likes, but she just got out of a breakup as well.
And so, how do you finesse that? Because in those cases, the feelings are raw, especially if she was together with the guy for several years. There’s a good chance the dude is still in the background. Since women do the breaking up at least 75% or more of the time, there’s a good chance that she dumped him.
And just statistically, because it doesn’t say in the email, but it’s typically the case. The guy is the one that gets dumped, he doesn’t want to be dumped. He’s trying to get her back. She’s been with him several years. You literally just met her. So she’s going to be way more emotionally bonded to him, than you.
And so, it’s absolutely critical if you’re in a situation like this, that you let her do all the pursuing, so she can come to you at her pace. Because she’s made it clear to this guy she just got out of a breakup. And what’s really important is like the Thích Nhất Hạnh quote, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
So if you’re starting to date somebody that’s just out of a breakup is that you got to give them the freedom to move things at their pace. Because women that are in these situations, they’ll be all hot for you one day, and the next day they’ll be kind of cold and distant and unsure, and you can’t get butthurt or perturbed, or upset at that at all.
You just got to let her be. And when she misses you, she’ll typically reach back out. And so, you create the conditions where she can come to you at her pace as she feels comfortable. And then obviously you’ve got to lead things on a date and then ultimately into the bedroom.
I’ve read Your Book around 8 times over the years and come back to it when I start back into dating.
Well, the idea is that if you just read it when you start dating and you never bother learning all of the pickup, dating and relationship skills, then you’re going to run into trouble sustaining things. A lot of guys do that. They read it like, “Wow, I’m getting laid. This is great.”
But they don’t bother learning what it takes to maintain a relationship. And then when they get several months down the road, the pickup skills and the seduction skills; they’re necessary. But you’ve got to understand communication skills, and how to be in a relationship, and maintain it.
Otherwise it’s going to come apart, and it’s not going to last. So you’ll get some attainable success, but not sustainable. And the idea is to be reading the book and applying it in your current life. Not reading the book ten times, and then a year later you start implementing it and dating because by then you’ve forgotten it.
So the idea is you’re reading The Book, you’re applying it, you’re getting feedback. You’re doing things right, you’re obviously doing some things wrong, and the book can help you correct those things. But if you just stop reading it and then six months later you get into a relationship.
You’re not going to be prepared, and you’re going to have a hard time maintaining it. Which is what this guy is doing here. So we want them to turn those things around. Because you have to get to know the book backwards and forwards and apply it. Because you have to see the stuff that’s in the book, in the real world, in your own life, to really own the material.
Because otherwise you’re just reading a book with a bunch of ideas. But if you’re not actually applying it, you don’t really learn to believe in the ideas, because you don’t have any experience, and all you have is your old experience. And so, what happens with these guys is they slowly revert back to the way they were.
And that’s kind of what happened with this guy. He basically lost his shit as he was dating a girl prior to the one he’s writing us about. And if he doesn’t really take the time to continue to read the book while he’s dating, while he’s meeting girls, while he’s picking up girls, while he’s asking girls out, why he’s trying to seduce girls. Then ultimately, when he gets into a relationship, he’s just not going to be able to maintain it.
About 3 months ago I met someone that checked more boxes than anyone I’ve dated in the past. She was super pretty, we shared a ton of hobbies and she held down a great job. Long-story-short, I let my neediness/fear of being cheated on demolish things after she brought up baggage tied to her ex-husband.
She just randomly started crying on a date we were on, and I had to pry it out of her. I told her that I didn’t want to keep dating if she still had feelings for him, but I trusted her if she could honestly say that she didn’t.
So, she’s right out of a divorce. Well, actually, it’s an ex-husband and doesn’t sound like she’s over it. But then again, his feelings of neediness. Because when you feel needy, you don’t feel worthy to be there. And so, what that does is it forces you to do things and to say things, to create interactions between you and the girl.
Because usually what’s happening is you’re constantly trying to find out where you stand with her. “Does she still like you today?” Even though she said, “I love you yesterday?” You wake up today going, “Oh, does she still love me? I said something last night and she seemed a little cold and distant.”
And the guy’s always wondering where he stands with her, which is being unsure of yourself. That’s feminine energy. And so, when guys do this, they act like girls instead of leaders. And women want a leader. Women want a man who’s got more masculinity than they do.
This led to things smoothing out for a bit, but smaller disagreements came up that led to her saying that we weren’t a good fit for each other personality-wise. It hurt, but I’m 3 weeks out from it and I feel like I dodged a bullet. She spoke constantly about how she was an emotional person, and within a month was steering conversations into serious lanes frequently instead of keeping things fun.
Well, if you’re going to date somebody for several months, you’re going to get into a deeper level. If you’re just focusing on pick up skills and seduction skills, then yeah. When the relationship stuff comes up, you’re going to have a hard time dealing with it or understanding what is required or is asked of you to maintain it. And obviously this guy, he doesn’t understand these things.
And so, it obviously makes him feel comfortable. Because if you’re going to date somebody for more than just a few weeks, then, and in this case a month or more. Then those topics are going to start coming up, and she’s going to want to feel heard and understood. And you can’t just act like a cold fish that wants to seduce her and then kick her out of your house after you’ve finished.
It’s not going to work. You might be able to hook up, and if you ever studied the pickup and seduction community. A lot of those guys like the old, guys back in the day, mystery and people like that. Is like they were great at meeting and picking up girls and doing stories and routines and stuff.
But as soon as they ran out of material, they had nothing else going on in their lives. And the women quickly lost interest. And then they got blown off and dumped because they had no skills to maintain an actual human to human relationship.
I’ve completely cut contact and haven’t seen or heard from her since. I’m 34, make over 125k a year, and am in great physical shape, so I figured that I would just give myself some time and hit the gym and my hobbies hard.
That’s what you should be doing.
I stacked my free-time with getting out and rock climbing at my local gym. To stay busy, I also pulled some phone numbers off of the community climbing board so I could meet a new crew to get out with regularly.
Yeah, that’s what you do. Go do things you wouldn’t normally do. Go meet new people, make new friends. Because those group of friends, some of those guys are going to be in a relationship, and their significant others are going to know other girls. And oftentimes girls that are pretty and single. So pretty girls tend to have friends, that are also pretty.
So, if you start hanging out with a new group of guys and they’ve got cute girlfriends or cute wives, the cute girlfriends and wives are going to typically have cute friends. And so, just as a side effect of hanging out with a new group of people who you have a lot in common with makes it very easy when you meet girls of that group.
Number one, because you already have social proof, because you’ve been introduced to the group. You’re not just some random dude approaching them on the street. So, their guard is down. It’s much easier to get things going.
Plus, you’re doing an activity that everybody likes. And so that makes it really easy to talk about something with somebody when you have a similar interest. Versus bumping into somebody randomly on the street. It’s possible they have same goals and same values, but it’s much more likely to happen in a group setting like this. Where the guy is losing himself in his hobbies and his interests.
This is where things got interesting… The first person I met up with shows up to climb (about 2 weeks after my break-up), and it’s a super pretty girl that was immediately fun to spend time around.
Yeah, you’re both doing an activity that you both like. Again, it’s much easier under this circumstance versus doing a cold approach in the grocery store or anywhere else.
Since my last relationship was short, I decided to shoot my shot and after our climbing session, I told her that I had a mini-crush and would love to take her out sometime.
Well, I wouldn’t say I had a mini crush. Because when you say something like that, what you’re saying is, “Oh, I’ve liked you for a long time, and now I finally worked up the courage to tell you that I like you to take you out.” And the longer you hesitate, the more you hang around with a girl.
She can tell you like her, but you don’t have the balls to go for it. She starts to form an opinion of you. And the lower her interest, the less amount of time that can go on for her, before she just thinks that you’re a beta male, and a friend. And not some guy she would want to sleep with.
So it’s important to shoot your shot right away when you feel the urge to blurt it out if you will. Not go, “Oh, I got a crush on you and I can’t handle it anymore. I hope you’ll pay attention to me and let me take you out on a date and spend lots of money on you, Your Highness.”
She said she had gotten out of a relationship about 2 weeks prior, and was trying to get back to normal. Since then, she has hit me up about 2-3 times a week to climb or hike, and she’s been a great way to get out of the house. I don’t reach out or text in-between, and she always makes sure to ask about my week and hit me with plan ideas that lead to us hanging out and having fun.
So, the fact that she’s reaching out to you and you’re hanging out, you’re having fun. The only thing that’s missing is the hookup part. And so, you’ve got to think in terms of the logistics of that. Which, again, is referenced in the book. So, you can make it easy to move the date, or the plans from doing something fun, to ultimately where physical interaction can happen, touching can happen, making out can happen.
And then that ultimately leads to you going back to your place or hers, where you both can be alone together. And she just had a breakup two weeks ago. It’s probably better if you go back to your place, just in case her ex is showing up trying to get her back.
I’m happy to keep her as a friend.
But would also enjoy having things move into a more intimate space when she feels comfortable.
Well, when she feels comfortable is not some event that’s going to come in the future. The bottom line she’s calling you, she’s texting you, you’re hanging out. And so, if you’re familiar with the book. Then you know that when a woman’s attracted, she plays her their hair. She touches your arm. She sits too close, to where she’s bumping into you.
As you’re walking together, she bumps into you. Like in this case, if you’re hanging out doing rock climbing, is she always finding extra ways to touch you or be close to you, or is she literally bumping into you? Those are the signs that a woman gives when she’s open to being touched. In other words, that’s her invitation. If she starts touching you or bumping into you and getting close to you like that, then you can slowly reciprocate and then move to kissing.
And if you’re unsure of whether or not she wants to kiss, you can use the Kiss Test from The Book. And then you don’t have to worry about getting rejected. But this is just like how a date is supposed to go. You hang out, you have fun while you’re hanging out. She feels heard and understood.
You let her do 80% to 90% of the talking. She will physically get close to you where she’s bumping into you on the date. And then you can escalate things physically from there.
Because it almost sounds like he’s sitting here waiting for her at some point in the future to go, “Okay, I’m ready for dating and sex now, so let’s get to it.” Women are not like that. You have to be smooth. You have to recognize the signs, and you have to act upon the signs when they are there.
Have any tips or advice on how to approach a scenario like this?
Yeah. As soon as she’s ready to be touched, she will bump into you, just like I got done explaining. Again, this is in The Book, and this is part of why I can tell you don’t really know it that well. Because you’re basically asking me the most basic questions, even though I think he said he had read the book eight times, if I’m not mistaken. Yeah, eight times.
He says he’s been through it and yet he’s going, “How do I tell when she’s ready to be touched and kissed Corey? I’ve been here through your book eight times. It’s totally enough. I totally get it. I totally know what I’m doing.” No you don’t.
And he definitely doesn’t want to keep her as a friend, but he’s like waiting for some event. And like I said, when I read that, it’s like, reminds me exactly like my teenage years and my early 20’s, I couldn’t tell. I had no idea.
I didn’t know when to when to go for the kiss or nothing. I just had no idea what the signs were, and I just spelled them out for you. Again, he says eight times he’s been through the book, but he’s like, “How do I tell when she’s ready to be touched?” You got to do better, man.
I’ve been busier than ever, and my life has improved in such a major way since the break-up, so I’m indifferent on how this plays out.
Well, you’re indifferent until she starts physically bumping into you, and touching you, and exposing her neck to you, and laughing at all your stupid, non really funny jokes. Again, when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched and kissed, just go for it, and move it to the next step.
Alongside this, I’ve completely revamped my wardrobe and will be using this weekend to move into dating new people casually and applying what you teach. Thanks for everything, and I look forward to hearing your take on all of this.
Well, Bob. I have to say after reading this, especially this last paragraph or so, it’s like, I know you say you read the book eight times, but it doesn’t seem like it. I mean, you’re asking basic seduction questions here. And maybe you did read the book eight times, but if you were never applying it with anybody.
Or maybe you read it eight times a long time ago, and then this recent girl you started trying to date her that you screwed up with. It’s like you have to be reading the book and applying it in real time. Not reading the book, and then going out on a first date for the first time with a new woman a year after that.
Because you’re not going to have the time to successfully implement it properly. So you got some work to do. But if this girl is calling you, and texting you, and asking you to hang out. That is so ridiculously easy to seduce her. It’s like I said once the signs are there, I mean, it’s like she’s making it obvious, and you’re probably not even noticing it.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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