Love Is Allowing. How To Allow Your Woman To Love You

How to allow your woman to love you instead of talking her out of it like most guys do.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s seeing his new girlfriend of four months. They see each other 3-4 times per week and have sex almost every time. However, she often reaches out despite the next date being setup already. He wants to see her more, but is unsure how to go about it.

He shares a recent event that made him fearful and uncertain on how to take it and respond appropriately. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular emailer has been with his girlfriend of four months and he’s starting to get tripped up a little bit. He doesn’t know the book that well yet. This is why I say you got to read it 10 to 15 times. So he’s kind of in the casual dating, transitioning to a long-term relationship. Sometimes they got dates set up, they’re seeing each other like four times a week, and then she’s still texting and reaching out. He said his last message to her was, “Hey, let me know if you want to get together before Saturday,” which is their next date.

She reaches out, but he kind of misses the cue that he’s supposed to set the date when she does that, and instead he doesn’t say anything because she didn’t bring up getting together. So now he’s starting to doubt and second guess himself because at this point he’s emotionally invested. There’s some downside risk. He noticed she’s acting a little bit more like a kitty cat, and because he’s way more into her now than he was in the beginning, it’s harder to do more things right than wrong. So he’s asking like what it means.

Typically what happens is you start dating and you allow a woman to love you. Attraction is not a choice. Mother nature has already handled that. The idea is you’re just trying to not talk her out of loving you, but when you get to a phase like where this guy is at, all of his fears, his doubts, his insecurities, his fears that he’s not enough, fear that he won’t be loved is now clouding his judgment and causing him to second guess and doubt himself. So he kind of then starts to hold back because he doesn’t really know what to do. Again, that’s why I say read the book 10 to 15 times because he doesn’t know it so well. That’s where he’s starting to kind of get exposed by not completely understanding the fundamentals and the principles when just letting her be, act like a cat, and not being bothered.

So for example, she talked about coming over and he’s like, “Hey, let me know if you want to get together before Saturday.” Then she reaches out a few days later, but he kind of forgets it’s our job to be the appointment setter. As the book says, if she reaches out, you assume she wants to see you, you make the next date. Pretty simple. In this case, she reached out, but since she didn’t bring up getting together, he’s like, “Oh, I guess she didn’t want to do it. What do I do?”

Again, if you understand that they’re reaching out, they must want to see you. Then it’s like, “Hey babe, it’s great to hear from you.” Just have that attitude and invite her over, invite her to get together. So she’s contacting you, assume she wants you deep inside of her. Pretty simple.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

My question: Is seeing each other 3-4 days a week in a new relationship indicative of lower interest, if all other signs point to her being in love?

It shouldn’t matter how many days you see each other, it’s going to vary week by week. That’s why if you’re following the book, she should be doing most of the calling, texting, and pursuing. If you’re four months down the road and you really know the book, she should be doing 95% to 100% of the pursuing. I can tell you don’t really grasp it, and now that you’re really emotionally invested and there’s a lot of emotional downside risk, it’s hard to do more things right than wrong.

Again, this is one of the reasons why I say you got to read this 10 to 15 times, so you know the book so well, you don’t have to really think about it when you have kind of a cursory review or you’ve been through it once or twice. That stuff’s great for pickup and early seduction, but transitioning from dating to being in a relationship and understanding when to pull her in, when to let her go, that’s where it gets really hard.

The same situation happened initially, but now he’s like starting to doubt himself because he’s unsure and now he’s worrying, “Oh, do I have to pull back? Am I seeing her too much?” If she’s pursuing you, it’s her idea. If she’s doing 90% to 95% of the reaching out, it really doesn’t fucking matter if you see each other twice a week, once a week, or five times a week, it shouldn’t bother you in the least. You’re just happy to have her there.

If she’s got other shit she’s got to do, you’re glad to have the extra time to follow up and do things that you need to do as a man. You can’t be diminished. You can’t get uncentered just because you’re not seeing your girl as maybe as much as you want to. You got to let women be. You got to let them come to you at their pace.

I’m four months into a new relationship with a girl I’m really excited about.

That’s why it’s hard, because you care. You care more now than when you first started dating her. So the holes in your game and your knowledge gap are starting to show up. It’s kind of like shooting and being at the gun range.

When I trained with Jon Dufresne of Kinetic Consulting, usually one of the drills we start out with is shooting from like five feet away from the target or a few feet away. Then we go back another five. So from five feet to 10 yards, from 10 yards to 15 to 20 to 25 to 30, and then further back. Especially when you’re doing multiple rounds at the target, depending on your distance, if your rounds start to get a little squirrelly and your groups get a little squirrelly, then we know what distance you need to work at with keeping your dot steady. So it’s kind of like this. So by going those varying distances, you learn where the holes are and your shooting skills that you need to work on. It’s kind of like the same way here.

He’s four months into it and now he’s getting exposed where his weaknesses are, which if he had a better understanding of the book, he wouldn’t be so worried and fearful and it’d be easier to do more things right than wrong.

She wanted a relationship after five weeks (She initiated the talk). She is regularly affectionate, initiates 90% of the outreach and displays really strong interest, which is so refreshing.

Well, that’s what high interest is like.

Especially when my ex was not like this.

She already talks about our future together, wanting kids, planning a timeline of when we would want to get married, and regularly brings this stuff up on her own. We have sex almost every time we see each other (3-4 times per week) and our connection is strong.

What I wonder about is whether our frequency of seeing each other is a concern or not.

Well, it shouldn’t be on your end. Again, like I said earlier, if it’s one day, if it’s five days, it doesn’t matter. If you got extra time and she’s busy doing other things, you’re kind of glad when you’ve had enough of her, when you’ve been together long enough, that’s how you’re going to feel. If you spend five days in a row and she’s monopolizing your time and you feel like, “Shit, man. I’m kind of getting behind the eight ball. I haven’t gone to the gym. I haven’t done this. I haven’t done that.” Then once she’s like, “Oh, I’m going to go see my mom or hang out with my sisters,” you’re like, “Oh, thank God. I can get caught up.”

In the beginning when you haven’t got to that, when you haven’t got to the other side of the bridge, so to speak, then it’s a lot harder because you haven’t been through it. Repetition is the mother of skill. So this is how you learn that. You learn the self-control, the calmness, and the peace that comes with being centered and masculine.

We see each other on average four days a week, including weekends. Usually she’ll come over on Friday or Saturday night, leave on Sunday, and then we’ll see each other one day during the work week and sleep over.

You say that when a woman is in love, she’s stuck to you like a sucker-fish. She is showing pretty much every sign of being in love except for our frequency of hangouts. I would think she would want to see me more than four days a week.

Well, if she’s reaching out, you assume she wants to see you, so you invite her over. Sometimes, especially if it’s 8:00 or 9:00 at night, she’s like, “What are you doing?” Just say, “Come over.” You don’t have to say, “Come over. Spend the night.” Just say “Come over.” She’s like, “Should I bring stuff to spend the night?” He’s like, “Of course! By the way, you’re not going to need those clothes. You’re going to be naked the whole time. So it doesn’t matter, but sure, bring some extra clothes anyway.”

For example, we spent this past weekend together at a bed and breakfast and had an amazing time. Then I saw her Tuesday at her request, and she slept over. During the date, she asked when she could see me again. I said anytime she’s free, and she picked Saturday. I would have thought she would’ve wanted to see me sooner, especially since she had Wednesday and Thursday evenings free.

See? Who fucking cares? You’re thinking like a woman. It’s like you’re thinking in a needy way, in a clingy way. So she’s like on Saturday and you were thinking Thursday you’d be like, “Oh, cool. I got a couple days to get caught up on shit.”

She asked again on the same date right before we left, “So when do I see you, Saturday?” I said, “Definitely. If you wanna do sooner, just text me.”

She said, “So when do I see you Saturday?” Again, she’s looking to you for leadership. That’s kind of like, “Honey, where do you want to go to dinner?” And you’re like, “I don’t know, honey. Where do you want to go?” “I don’t know. Where do you want to go?” Make a fucking decision, dude! Your job is still to lead even though she’s reaching out to you. A women don’t assume the pursuer role and ask you out as well. They just contact you.

Again, as the book says, you assume she wants to see you, “So get your ass over there. Come spend the night. Come make me dinner. Come bake me a key lime pie.” I mean, that was like a missed opportunity. “So when do I see you Saturday?” You say, “7:00 my place, or come over Saturday morning and we’ll spend the whole day together and I’ll take you somewhere great for dinner.”

She texted me right after saying she missed me already, and texted me again the next morning saying good morning and wished me a good day. I didn’t ask to see her because I had already extended that offer telling her to text me if she wanted to see me sooner than Saturday.

Well again, her reaching out is basically her way of saying, “Why don’t you invite me over, dummy?”

I know you usually say women won’t outright say “I want to see you,” but when they text you, that’s their way of communicating that, and you should set the next date or invite them to come over.

Yep.

But she can’t easily come over since she has a dog and it’s a hassle, and in the above example, it seems like she wants to stay in touch more than actually see me sooner.

Just say, “Bring your dog over. Why don’t you and your dog come over? Why don’t you come over?” “Oh, I can’t do this with the dog. Bring him over. Let’s hang out. We’ll take him to the park. We’ll give him a bath together.” The family that plays together stays together.

Is it a sign of low interest that she intentionally wants a few days in between seeing each other, while all the other signs are strong?

Well, I mean, you did tell her to get in touch if she wants to see you sooner. Then she reached out. Assume she wants to see you sooner. It’s like if you had a breakup and she says, “Oh, I need some space,” then she calls three days later, well that means she that’s all the space she needed. “Hey, cutie! What are you doing? I’m calling you.” I would be like, “Well, I’m thinking about you, like, naked in my bed. Why don’t you get over here? Let’s go do something.” “What are we going to do?” “I don’t know, something fun. We’ll figure it out. Get your ass over here. I’ll see you in 20 minutes. Bye!” That’s how you behave.

It’s very simple. It’s very easy. Again, because you didn’t really take the time to learn the book and now you’re fearful, you’re kind of stuck. You’re like a Roomba that’s kind of driven itself into the corner of the room and go, “What do I do? Can’t back up, can’t go forward, can’t go sideways, can’t turn around.”

Anything I can do to improve this dynamic? Should we be seeing each other more?

Thanks, Coach!

Bob

Well, she is contacting you, so you should be inviting her over. You don’t have to have official dates. You just say, “Come over. Let’s Netflix and chill tonight.” You got a date set for Saturday, again, you’re boyfriend/girlfriend. You’re four months in. You don’t treat her like a Tinder date that you had a first date from last week and now this is the second date. You’re four months in. You’re in a relationship. She’s thinking about kids with you.

So again, if she’s reaching out, you assume she wants to see you and just make another opportunity for sex to happen. You have a nice date set up for Saturday. You’re going to do something fun together. If she’s texting you and calling you during the week, well she must want to see you. So invite her over. It’s very simple. Hang out, have fun, and hook up.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.