Maintaining Mystery, Operational Security & Why Gentleman Don’t Kiss & Tell

The importance of being mysterious & not telling the world your personal business.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who was dating his ex who he wanted to break up with. However, she wouldn’t let him. Then he met another girl and they started talking. He finally pulled the plug on his ex and started dating the new girl. His ex found out from his social media who he was dating, contacted the new girl and torpedoed their romance. He got caught in lies and she dumped him.

He’s now in no contact and asks if she will come back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this is a good idea, or should I say, this is a good email that shows why it’s a good idea to keep your personal life to yourself. You shouldn’t be on social media blabbing about everything that’s going on, every girl that you’re going out, go out with on a date and posting pictures of her trying to tell the world. In other words, oversharing on social media.

In this particular email, he had an ex that he was dating that he wasn’t really that into, and he tried a couple of times to kind of break it off, but she kind of wouldn’t let him. Then he meets another girl, starts talking and things kind of progress with the new girl. Then he pulls the plug on his relationship with his now ex. He makes the mistake of posting this new girl to his social media, so his ex is pretty butt-hurt and upset because rejection breeds obsession. His ex was so nice and sweet that she slid into the DMs of the new girl he was dating and told him a bunch of shit. I think they ended up on a phone call together, it looks like, and parts of this guy’s story, because he was lying to both women, he got found out. So things are progressing with this other girl. Then thanks to his now ex-girlfriend torpedoing his new romance, now he’s in new no contact with the new girl because she broke it off because she’s like, “You lied to me.”

I mean, it’s in the book for a reason. Gentlemen, don’t kiss and tell. Don’t tell everybody your business. I don’t talk about my personal life. This is what I do for a living. I have a handful of women from the book that I may talk about. I’ve even had some of them on the podcast just because you guys have been asking for years, but other than that, if it’s not used in an example, I just don’t talk about it because this is what I do for a living. When the camera is switched off, I’m just a regular dude. I want to live my life. I don’t need everybody in the whole world knowing every intimate detail about my personal life. When I’ve done phone sessions over the years, people are like, “You only use your social media for marketing and business.” I’m like, “Yep, that’s all it’s for. For me.” I don’t post anything personal on there. It’s like people way over share and I’m a private person and it’s better that way for everybody because whatever you’re posting on social media, if people are going to see it, especially like in this case, this guy’s like an open book and he had a new budding romance that totally got fucked up because in essence, he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. He couldn’t stop talking about it and trying to broadcast to the world what was going on in his life, because probably on some level, he needs the approval of other people.

When you get to a certain age, especially when you get in your like late 30s, early 40s, you really just stop giving a fuck what other people think. You really don’t care about that stuff when you’re young. When you’re a teenager in your early 20s, you’re kind of worried about the approval of other people, the acceptance of your peer group, but as you start to achieve, succeed and accomplish things, as you get older, you just don’t care about that stuff because it’s really not important. It really doesn’t matter. Other people’s opinion of you is none of your business, and if you want a date and not have anybody fucking with your personal life, you should keep your fucking mouth shut.

There’s an old Indian proverb that goes like this: “If tribe not to know, keep mouth shut.” If it’s not important and if it’s not something that other people need to know, then you just don’t talk about it. You don’t talk about who you’re dating, who you’re sleeping with, how many women you’ve had sex with, your body count. You don’t talk about any of these things. You can if you are going to discuss the past. Like I’ve been really blessed. I’ve been really lucky. I’ve dated some really amazing women. I’ve had some amazing girlfriends, and I’m grateful to all of them. I’m grateful to all those relationships. I’m on good terms with my exes. It’s like every relationship helps shape who you are, and I’m the man I am today because I’ve been blessed. I’ve been lucky. I dated some really fucking cool girls. Some of them that you guys have gotten to meet and see. Especially the Katie interview that we did last year, she came for a couple of days and sat in with the podcast, and we did nothing but answer the questions that you guys had because again, she was referenced in the book and I wanted you to see from her perspective what she had to say basically 20 years later after the fact. Other than that, it was something that she wanted to do as well.

I have some other girlfriends that have talked about coming on and want to come on. Maybe at some point in the future I will, but other than that, this is what I do for a living. It’s like once the camera is off, I just want to be a normal dude living my life. I don’t even like when people come up to me and and thank me for my work. I’m appreciative, but I don’t need that. I don’t get any validation out of it. It doesn’t do anything for me. This is just what I do for a living. I’m really good at it, and I’m one of the best in the world at what I do. Other than that, when the camera’s off, it’s like, I don’t need any approval. I don’t need any likes. I don’t need people to compliment me on my life or my accomplishments or whatever. I live my life according to what makes me happy, and I like to maintain operational security and keep my personal life and my friends and my family, I like to keep all of that private. That’s the way it should be. The late, great Doc Love, I didn’t even know the dude was married and had a family because every time he talked, he never gave a straight answer in interviews. It was like, “What? Are you married?” He’s like, “I get Hugh Hefner’s rejects.” He would say something like that. He would never give a straight answer. Then after he passed away, I found out he was married and had a family, the whole nine yards, but the way he talked, you couldn’t tell. That was one of his core principles is like, be mysterious. If it’s not essential information, then it’s a need-to-know basis. Most people don’t need to know.

This email is a perfect reason why you keep your fucking mouth shut about your personal life and other things. Again, really you don’t need to tell people how much money you’re making or what kind of cars you’re driving or what you’re doing, because the reality is, social media is not real. People that post and talk and barf all over social media about how great their life is, how amazing their relationship is with their significant other, they’re traveling here, they’re traveling there and, “Look at us. We’re so fabulous. We’re so amazing.” Usually, that’s all bullshit. They’re giving you the perception that they want you to buy, but in reality, if you really knew them and knew what was really going on in their lives, you realize most of it’s all bullshit. It’s fake. Those people that you admire and you look up to on Instagram, it’s like their lives aren’t as exciting as they try to portray people that are happy and have good relationships. They’re not vomiting that all over social media. They may occasionally post something on there every few months, but other than that, it’s like they’re living their best lives and they don’t feel like they need to validate themselves in their life choices to the world. People who are happy and content are not posting about it on social media. People who try to convince you on social media that everything is amazing with them, usually it’s all bullshit. So keep that in mind.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I have been watching your videos for quite some time and appreciate the honest content you put out. I was hoping you could help me out with an issue that I am currently going through. 

I was dating this girl for seven months and the last month was long distance because I started graduate school. Our relationship was very smooth and didn’t involve a lot of fighting. However, a few months into the relationship, I started to question if she was “The One.”

Well, those of you that know me, it’s like I don’t believe in, “The One,” that there’s “One perfect person,” and once you find them, you’re just going to be together forever and you’re going to ride off into the sunset like a fucking Disney movie. The divorce rate is over 50% and most relationships are not going to work out, including yours.

I’ve found that there are lots of people, lots of friends and lots of lovers if you’re ready, willing, able and open to it. There are what, eight billion people? 7.5 billion people on the planet at this point? Half of them are women? There’s more people, there’s more girls in this planet than you could ever meet in your lifetime and ever date and sleep with. They’re just more than you could ever physically interact with. I mean, we literally live in a world of abundance.There is a lot of human beings here, and they get all hung up on, “The One.” Again, that’s a fantasy pushed by Hollywood, and it’s just unrealistic. Most people are not going to be with one person from the time they’re like 15 years old until they drop dead at 95 or 100. Those people are the exception to the rule. It almost never happens that way.

This feeling magnified once I started school and I saw myself becoming mentally and emotionally distant. I brought it up to her that I didn’t think the relationship was working how we thought it would but she just tried to say that it was going to take some time to adjust.

So he’s kind of like, in a low key way, trying to slowly rip the band-aid off and break things off, which it’s just much better to say, “Hey, I’m not feeling it. I want to date other people and you’ve been great, but now we’re long distance. I want to date somebody that lives 10, 15 minutes away. I don’t want to do long distance,” and be honest with her, but he wasn’t. He was trying to monkey branch. He was trying to line up somebody new and cheat on his girlfriend basically with the new girl. Then once things looked like they were going to work out with the new girl, then he would break things off with a girl that’s back home, which is just a shitty thing to do to somebody. So this guy’s got some character and some integrity issues, and it’s really just weakness.

In the meantime, I started texting another girl. It was very casual and surface level at first. However, as time went on we would text throughout the day and even would talk on the phone. I saw myself starting to have feelings for this girl. A few days after the first time we had talked on the phone, I talked to the girl I was in the relationship with and told her I didn’t think it was working anymore but she went into fix-it mode and tried to come up with new ways to mix up the relationship, but I knew there was nothing else to be done.

He clearly was not feeling it.

I had multiple exams that week and waited until the end of the week to officially break up.

Well you kind of strung her along a little bit instead of just, again, ripping the band-aid off. It’s always best just to rip the band-aid when you know it’s fucked and you’re not into it. It’s just best to do it so you can move on and she can move on and start healing.

The next day I went on a date with the new girl, and it was a perfect date. I could see myself with her and she gave me the feeling that my other relationship didn’t.

Bro, it’s one date. It’s just one date. You don’t know what you don’t know about this girl.

I wasn’t upfront about the relationship I just got out of nor did I tell her about it while we had been communicating over the phone. 

Well, quite frankly, it wasn’t really her business.

A few weeks went by and we had spent almost everyday talking over the phone (We were also long distance)…

Maybe that means he’s meeting girls on the internet or a dating app or whatever.

…And even spent a weekend together. We would joke about getting married and having kids all the time.

Like, that’s just absurd. How long has this guy been following me? He’s been watching my videos for quite some time, but it doesn’t sound like he actually read the book. I mean, obviously if you’re watching this, hopefully you’re subscribed to the newsletter on my website, and that means you can read the book for free. There’s no excuse for that. I mean, to be this far down the road and think it’s a good idea with a girl that’s long distance you just met to talk about getting married and having kids all the time and talking constantly? You’re clearly cherry picking, but for the most part, you’re doing what most guys do that ends up talking women out of liking them.

She told her family about me and we even made plans for me to visit them during the holidays. However my ex found out about this new girl via social media and confronted me about it.

Why the fuck are you posting all over social media about it? That’s just a bad way to go. I mean, you just met this girl. People can hide who they are for 90 days. You’re long distance and you’ve spent what, one weekend together at this point? Maybe two weekends together? And what, a month or two that you’ve been seeing each other? You don’t know what you don’t know. I mean, that’s just absurd. If you have an ex who didn’t like the fact that she got dumped and now all of a sudden she sees on your social media that you’re dating somebody else, it looks like this girl is pretty vindictive based on what she does next.

I then communicated to this new girl about what was going on and told her that I broke up with my ex about a month ago (Not giving her the exact date).

Again, I wouldn’t have said anything to anybody. I wouldn’t have been vomiting this shit all over social media.

Not too long after my ex DM’ed her and told her that we had broken up the day before our date. The new girl was mad and upset because I had cheated on my ex with her. When I tried to apologize and take ownership…

See again, it’s like you’re making up shit, you’re lying and then you get called out on your lies because your ex is kind of an asshole, and she thought if she can torpedo your new romance, then you’ll come back to her. That’s kind of the way women like that think.

…And explain everything she told me she couldn’t give me another chance even though her heart wanted to, her mind was telling her not to. I told her I would respect her choice and haven’t contacted her since. I really like this girl and think she might be the one. Would love your insight.

Thank You,

Bob

Well number one, you need to stop believing in, “The One.” Number two, you need to take this seriously and read the book because your game sucks and you just cannot live your life on social media trying to get attention and validation from other people about your life choices. It’s just a bad way to go. Again, it’s in the book. It says, don’t do this, but he did it anyways because he’s just cherry picking videos and not being a good student. Again, as a Coach, all I can do is teach you what to do, teach you about the fundamentals, and if you just want to cherry pick and do it your way and then you vomit your new girl all over social media before you’re really in a serious relationship and you got an ex who’s kind of jealous and upset, this is what happens. She torpedoed the new relationship because you lied.

So this is what happens. Character is destiny. You got to act like a high character man. When you don’t, karma comes for all. You cannot outrun karma. This guy could not outrun his karma. He put all of this information on social media and it fucking blew up in his face, probably because he was hoping his boys were gonna be like, “Oh, the new girl is pretty hot.” He didn’t think about the ex.

Again, if you’re going to make yourself social media official, it needs to be after many months and it’s got to be her idea. If you’ve done things right, usually what’s going to happen is your girl is going to get upset that you haven’t told anybody that you’re dating, and then she’ll start telling everybody that you’re together and that she’s your girlfriend. That’s the right way to go about it, where it’s really her idea and she’s going to get a little, not like really super angry, but it’s like, “How come you haven’t told anybody else?” It’s like, “Babe, we’re still kind of new. You know, I’m very private. I don’t need validation from friends or family. When things are really tight between us, things are going really well and you really think it’s the right time that everybody needs to know about us, then obviously, most women can’t keep secrets anyways. You’ll let everybody know.” That’s my experience. That’s what I’m used to. It’s much better that way that if you’ve been dating many months and people are like, “Do your friends know about us?” It’s like, “No, gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. I take that seriously. Our personal life is private. I want you and I to grow and evolve together and work on us without the influence of friends, family, the internet or anybody else. That really doesn’t matter to what’s going on, because the world doesn’t need to know about us. If it gets to the point where things are so great and so solid between us that you feel you want to tell everybody, then we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, but I don’t need validation or attention from the internet, and I would rather keep our private life private because gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. I respect us, I respect our relationship and I’m not interested in oversharing. I’m not interested in living my life on social media and broadcasting to the world what we’re doing, where we’re doing it and how much fun we’re having or whatever. It’s nobody’s business but ours. That’s what makes our relationship beautiful and private, because it’s between you and I.”

Eventually at some point when you’re serious enough, again your girl will be the one to broadcast to everybody that you’re together, but doing what this guy did is just stupid. It’s unnecessary. Plus, it destroys the mystery and he ends up telling a bunch of lies that all blew up in his face because he probably wasn’t expecting his now ex-girlfriend to try to totally nuke his new relationship, which is a really shitty thing to do.

After she did that, I would block her on everything. That would be somebody that I would be like, “What you did is wrong. It’s over the line and I don’t ever want to fucking hear from you again. I’m going to block you everywhere. I’m blocking your phone number. I’m blocking you on social media. Don’t ever call me again. Don’t ever reach out to anybody on my social media. You need to stay the fuck away from me. You’re dead to me.” That’s what I would say to this girl if you hear from her, but the fact he’s like still apologetic, part of the problem is he’s too much of a pussy to stand up for himself and what he wants, and he’s trying to be a pleaser. He’s trying not to upset his ex-girlfriend, he’s trying not to upset the new girl, but in reality, he just looks like a big pussy. Then look what happened. Now he’s got nothing going on and that’s all on him.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.