Maintaining Self Control, Getting Triggered & Emotionally Hijacked

The importance of maintaining self control to avoid getting triggered & emotionally hijacked.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for a long time. His relationships last about 6 months, but then he allows himself to lose self control. He gets easily triggered, feels jealous and the women he is with start losing respect and attraction for him because he’s not calm or consistently masculine. He gets emotionally hijacked and loses his composure when he really starts to care about a woman. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “Maintaining Self Control, Getting Triggered & Emotionally Hijacked.”

Well, this particular email is from a guy who says he does well. He’s been following my work for a long time. His relationships last about six months and then he really starts to have problems. It basically is when he really starts to care about his girl that his insecurities, his fears, his doubts basically get triggered. He gets jealous and gets upset, gets butthurt easily, and then he starts sharing his feelings. And then what happens is he just starts saying and doing a lot of really unattractive things. It’s because he’s not.

He’s just choosing to allow himself to lose self control and get upset over things he has no control over. And so when he doesn’t really care too much, he tends to do most things right. But when he cares and he’s in a relationship, he’s jealous. He’s a little needy. He’s a little neurotic, gets upset easily, and that’s just not going to work. If you want to have a long term relationship with the woman, you have to be more masculine and calm and centered than she is. When you start losing your shit and acting like a woman. It’s going to turn her off.

Masculinity is calm and something that’ll really help you out before I get into the email, here is the Consciousness Exercises that are in the home page of my YouTube Channel @CoachCoreyWayne. If you scroll down to the bottom, the Playlist for the Consciousness Exercises Stage 1 through 12 with Doctor D’Anna and Gracie. I highly recommend that if you’re one of those guys that has a hard time keeping your emotions in check and you’re freaking out a lot. Either do the Consciousness Exercises, and if there’s a good network care Doctor in your area, go see them, because it will help chill you the fuck out. But if you don’t have access to that or can’t afford it, you can definitely do the Consciousness Exercises.

And I would suggest three times a week, just put them on your big screen TV; there’s 12 of them. And do all 12 stages, 1 through 12. And that’ll really help you out a lot and smooth the rough patches over. Because if you’re going to lose your shit after about six months being together or get really jealous. The other thing you got to consider is if you’re getting jealous, something that’s very important in the vetting process with women is you want them to think that you trust them implicitly, because if they’re a liar and a cheater and a dirtbag and they think you trust them, then they’ll be sloppy and it’ll be easier to catch.

But if you’re constantly getting jealous and upset about things, then they’ll just become better at hiding it, and it’ll take you a lot longer to figure out if you’re just being paranoid or the girl is just not somebody that’s a loyal and faithful person. So it would behoove you to maintain self control because number one, it’s masculine. And number two, if you want to keep a woman around, you got to be calm and relaxed, not be getting easily triggered and making excuses for feeling this way. Because when you do that, you’re basically making your girl deal with fucked up shit from your childhood, basically, so you’re not really reacting to her.

You’re reacting to being triggered by things that made you feel the same way that happened to you in childhood. Maybe a little bit of therapy would be helpful if you got a problem with it, because if you want to maintain a healthy relationship, you can’t be freaking out after you’ve been together with somebody after six months because you’re going to lose one woman after another if you do that, because you just basically stop acting like a man. And you turn into an out of control, an emotional man baby. And women don’t want to deal with that. So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey coach,

I’ve been using your teachings for a long time, and I had my successes for about 6 months then things start to crumble down. One of the main reasons it breaks down is because a power shift happens and she becomes the person who dictates how the relationship goes, even when I am aware of what is happening, and try to shift it back by No Contact.

Well, No Contact, if you’re using it as a strategy, you haven’t mentioned anything about The Book, so that tells me more than likely you’re a cherry picker. And if you’re a cherry picker, you’re going to get some attainable success. Meaning you’ll get laid and you’ll hook up for a while but if you don’t understand pickup dating and relationship skills and how they all work together, you’re not going to maintain it. You’re not going to be able to sustain your relationships. So first and foremost, you got to spend the time with The Book. And that’s probably a big part of what your problem is, is you just didn’t.

I mean, plus it’s free to read in the members area of the website. So I mean, there’s no reason not to read The Book. So first and foremost, and no contact is not a technique. It’s not a strategy. It’s just simply what happens when what you want and what she wants is not aligned. And she’s not willing to give in or treat you the way you want to be treated. In other words, if you’re getting stuck in friend zone or you’re getting rejected, you don’t keep chasing after somebody that doesn’t want you anymore. You go, No Contact. Because usually what’s happened is she’s offering you friendship and blue balls and you don’t want that. So you walk away.

You tell her to get in touch if she ever changes her mind. And unless she reaches out to you, you’re never going to speak as long as you live. So I’d say that’s a big part of your problem is that you haven’t read The Book yet, and you think you’re going to be clever and be different. It’s again, when I’ve done thousands and thousands of these videos over the years. And when guys follow The Book and they’re good students, they generally do pretty well.

When they cherry pick like you, they are not able to maintain things or sustain it long term because you just don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. And if the power is flipping months down the road and you think no contact is a solution to everything, it’s like you don’t know The Book. You don’t know what you’re doing. You’re one of those guys that probably cherry picked enough from the videos to date meet girls get laid. But beyond that, you have no idea what you’re doing.

The biggest problem that hinders my progress is the physical triggers that happen to me when dating a woman I care about, the feeling of jealousy when she brings up someone else.

You just can’t get jealous of another guy. You just can’t. If she’s rubbing the guy in your face and trying to make you jealous, well, that’s something completely different. Then that’s not a girlfriend. That’s just you’re one of the dudes that she’s dating. And it would help you if you had other women to date. Because at the end of the day, you could be the best boyfriend.

You could be the best dude in the world. Doesn’t matter how good looking you are or how successful and rich you are, if you are with a woman of low character and she’s a liar and a cheater, she’s gonna cheat on you at some point and there’s nothing you can do about it. The idea is you need to figure out as quickly as possible if she’s loyal and she’s trustworthy, if you’re vetting her to be in a relationship.

Anxiety when I feel there is someone else in the picture (true or not), and many other negative feelings that is physically uncomfortable, it’s like a tight belt buckle has been wrapped around my belly, and it happens in the middle of conversations.

So if you’re feeling it wrapped around your belly, that’s your navel area. And your navel area is your willpower. And people that are disconnected from that area, which the Consciousness Exercise will really help you with, they have a problem saying what they’re going to do and doing what they say. So I’d say that’s if you’re having a problem exercising self-control. It’s a willpower issue. You either choose to exercise self-control or you don’t. You either choose to keep your shit together or you choose to lose it.

And so it’s not somebody forcing you to behave this way. Because you’re not doing it in the beginning. You’re only doing it once you care. And maybe you’re just dating low quality women. That might be part of your problem. So if you’re dating low quality women who aren’t very loyal and faithful, and you’re projecting your fantasy of what you want them to be, and you’re ignoring the reality that they’re fucking dirt bags, well, it’s part of the reason why you got to read The Book so you know what to look for. Characters is destiny.

I usually don’t say anything about it on a date, but women pick up on that, because sometimes I stay quiet for a few minutes try to forget about it, then she says why do you look sad and all of that bullshit.

So it doesn’t sound like he’s getting six months down the road. This sounds like women that he’s dating, he really likes the girl, he just can’t keep it together. You got to be able to maintain self control. It’s an essential part of attraction. You either choose to or you choose not to.

And this is where I start talking about what I am thinking and probably I start fucking things up.

Again. The way you’re talking, you don’t know The Book. You didn’t even mention The Book.

I understand what is in the book.

No you don’t.

And how to approach certain situations, but it is so hard to mask the physical triggers that happen when dating.

In other words, “Corey, I just don’t feel like exercising self control when I care.”

How do I simply lower their intensity or if possible, change my mindset to make my body not respond and start to not give a fuck.

Any advice would be appreciated, coach. 

Bob

Well, again, the Consciousness Exercises will really help you if you actually do them. And knowing The Book backwards and forwards, reading it 10 to 15 times. And again, when you’re doing these things just the way you talk about yourself, you don’t talk like a guy that knows what he’s doing. First you say you can’t get to six months. And the way you’re talking in your email, it sounds like you’re not able to get past a few dates. So somewhere in your email, you’re kind of bullshitting me a little bit, so I don’t know.

It’s kind of hard to tell what the truth is, because you’re trying to sugarcoat things a little bit, but you have a clear issue with maintaining self control and choosing to do things that are in The Book. It’s hard to do things that are in The Book that when you don’t really know it, if you just thumb through it a few times or half ass it, it’s going to be really hard and things are not going to make sense to you. And feeling jealous when you’re on date number two with a girl about who she’s dating or who she’s seeing. How does that help you? You got to think about what you’re going to say and what you’re going to do. How are you going to be perceived in her eyes?

Is what you’re about to say and what you’re about to do; especially when you start talking about your emotions and your negative feelings and things that are uncomfortable. That’s not attractive. You’re telling a woman on a date or that you’ve been dating that you basically can’t handle things. You get emotionally overwhelmed and you’re run by your emotions. In other words, you’re an emotional, irrational woman. So that right there is going to evaporate any sexual polarity that you had as soon as you start talking about your negative feelings or whatever. And so the other thing is, you just haven’t spent enough time around women and being with them and dating them and making love to them and having them stick around and having other choices with women.

You sound like a guy that’s in a scarcity mindset, that’s been out on a handful of dates and they haven’t gone well. But you got to get to the point where this stuff just doesn’t bother you. You got to get to the point where you know The Book backwards and forwards, and you go on enough dates to where you see what’s in The Book, showing up in your own life, and you see the same patterns over and over and over and over again. You’re not going to get to the point where you don’t have any feelings of fear, but you have to get to the point where you have enough self control, where you can feel fearful, but mentally, you know that if you lose your shit or allow yourself to lose your shit, or you lose your shit on purpose, or you start talking about all your physical and emotional triggers and this and that, all you’re basically doing is communicating to the woman that you don’t have your shit together as a man.

You’re supposed to be the masculine one. You’re supposed to be the stoic one. You’re supposed to be the calm one. And before you tell a woman something like that, you got to think, “is this going to make me look more masculine and control and attractive, Or is it going to make me look like an out of control man baby?” Because if it’s an out of control man baby, you’re going to dry your pussy up and she’s not going to want to date you and not want to sleep with you, and she’s going to lose interest in you. And so you need to go out on enough dates. Dozens and dozens of dates. Countless women that interact, where you get to the point where you just lose your fear of it. Everybody starts out as a novice, and you talk like a guy that doesn’t have a lot of experience with women.

And so that’s what you need is you need more experience, you need more dates. You need more interactions with women, hundreds and thousands, like when I was younger, when I was in my 20s, and even in my early 30s, I was out every fucking weekend with my friends when I was single. We were out all the fucking time doing things and having fun and meeting girls. And when I started out my teenage years, even the girls that I went to high school with, even now when I see them occasionally, like you, were so quiet back then. Well, those are the quietest tend to have the most to say. And when I spend enough time around women and got good and got experience, that fear of speaking my mind and speaking up for myself and saying what I wanted to say, it went away.

And that just came through trial and error and time and repetition. You’re not going to become better with the ladies sitting on your ass and doodling on your phone and scrolling through your phone. Because a lot of you younger guys are kind of emotionally and mentally stunted because of your reliance on your devices. If you’re going to have an adult relationship with a woman, you’re going to have to do it face to face. Unless, of course, you want to get a virtual girlfriend. And there’s apparently lots of dudes in Japan that like to do they marry their little avatars that they created, or their little AI avatars that is living in a world of fantasy and avoiding other human beings.

You should be putting yourself in uncomfortable situations where you got to get out of your house and go mingle with other people and just get used to being around women and talking to them. Maybe if you don’t have a job or you interact with them, maybe you take a part time job waiting tables or tending bar, so you’re forced to interact with other human beings on a face to face basis all the time. Because especially you younger guys that, you know, the Gen Z dudes, it’s like, even when I’m at lunch, I see a lot of people. I like to people watch and I notice the younger groups of people, eight and ten of them, just walking down the street. Everybody’s got their fucking phone out.

Maybe 1 or 2 of them are talking, but they still got their phone in their hand and then they’re stopping. They’re taking pictures of themselves worrying about, you know, what they’re going to post to social media or they’re messaging other people. They’re not really present with each other. They’re not really hanging out together. They’re together. But emotionally and mentally, they’re somewhere else. They’re not really interacting with one another. And if you grow up on your tablet or your cell phone or your computer, you don’t have a lot of interaction with other human beings. You’re going to be emotionally and mentally stunted in your growth and socially stunted in your growth.

When I was in middle school, my parents had a coin laundry with a drop off service, and every Saturday my dad would take me with him to work. So that’s where I learned to give change to people. I learned customer service from because he’d spent his whole life in it, and so that forced me to interact with other people, older people than me. Really beautiful women, ugly women, dudes that came in and were morbidly obese and their underwear was just full of poop because they were just gross like that. They couldn’t even get back there to reach. And so I had to deal with all kinds of crazy shit when I was a little kid, and I was forced to interact with people.

When I was a senior in high school, I started, I got in the restaurant business and I work customer service and I also cook, but mostly did customer service. And then after that I went to work at Service Merchandise and I worked in this customer service department. So all I did was answer questions all day long and help people. I used to, “can I help you? Do you need anything?” I was, that’s all I did. I was putting stock in the floor. Selling guns. I mean, back then, we’re selling rifles and shotguns, not pistols. Back in the old days, you had this, it was a yellow form, if I remember right. You fill it out, then you call, you do a background check, or you get the approval.

Then you give the guy the gun and he’s on his way. Things have changed a little bit since then, but. It’s, you know, you got to get used to interacting with other human beings until it gets to the point where talking to a stranger or interacting with a stranger is like ordering takeout food. So that’s kind of the gist of what I get from here is that you can’t hide behind your cell phone if you’re having problems with women, it’s like you got to get out there and interact with them, not just try to use online dating as a crutch and digitally interact with people. You got to interact with people in real life, IRL as they say. In real life. You’ve got to interact with people if you want to get better at this.

So if whatever you do for a living now doesn’t enable you to to meet and talk with a lot of people, then take a part time job at night or on the weekends, tending bar or waiting tables, or some kind of customer service job where you’re just forced to interact with other people because this is where you develop your people skills and your interpersonal skills, and that’s something that every human being needs to do if they want to reach their full potential. And again, especially you younger guys are always on your digital devices. It’s like, put them the fuck down.

Put them in your pocket and go talk to some cute girls. Go talk to strangers and interact with other people so you can kind of get over it. Because if you’re getting jealous, well, that tells me you don’t have a lot of choices and a lot of options because again, if the woman is of low character and you’re the best dude in the world, the best boyfriend in the world, she’ll still cheat and lie to you. And so that’s part of the vetting process you got to figure out is this somebody that has the value system I’m looking for or not? And if they don’t, and if you’re with a disloyal woman, getting jealous is not going to do anything to help you.

But you have to be able to vet and recognize she’s just not somebody that has that value system. If half the girls you’re going out with have cheated on everybody they’ve ever been with and been cheated on, well, and their parents cheated on each other, well, more than likely they’re probably not going to be very loyal and faithful either. So that’s something that you got to take into consideration. But getting to the point, like where I got to I mean, it was really like in my I’d say probably like my mid 30s where I really got to the point where I really embraced not giving a shit. When you’re younger especially, you know, you’re your teenage years, your early 20s, you’re kind of in that high school mentality where you’re worried about being popular and being well liked and people caring about you and want you around.

And as you go through your 20s and you get into your early 30s, you start to realize that most of those people were just acquaintances and they didn’t like you anyways. And it doesn’t really matter. But hopefully by the time you reach your 30s, you’ve got a handful of friends that love you for you and want to be around you for you, and are just happy to be in your presence. And if you aren’t one of those people, if you were a late bloomer, then you got to do something that forces you to interact with thousands and thousands of human beings over a period of time. You just have to get to the point where you’re not afraid to talk to other people or interact with them. And I can tell you’re probably a little socially awkward.

And talking to a girl is like a big deal for you. It needs to get to the point where it’s not a big deal. Girls have smelly farts. Their box stinks. Sometimes they have bad breath. They get boogers. They wake up with eye boogers. I mean, they’re not perfect, so you got to get past that if you don’t spend that much time interacting with other people. It’s understandable why you tend to pedestalize people and kiss their ass and feel like you’re not worthy. But if you have an abundance mentality, an abundance mindset, and your life is abundant with other human beings, especially with women, because of what you do for a living, and you’re always out there interacting with other people, then it’s not going to be a big deal, at least not for very long. So go out, mingle with humanity, and talk to strangers.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.