Make Definite Dates Instead Of Cracking Jokes When She Reaches Out

Why you should make definite dates instead of cracking jokes when she reaches out.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who finally started reading 3% Man after he got ghosted by a hot co-worker who reached out to him after their first date went well and asked when they were going out again. He tried being cute and funny and cracking jokes instead of being direct and decisive and making a definite date.

She eventually stopped replying and he wonders why. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who finally started reading 3% Man after he got ghosted by a hot co-worker. They went out and they had a first date. It went well, and she was coming up to him during the next week, talking to him, putting herself in his orbit. Then she reached out to him and asked when they were going to get together for a rematch. I don’t think it was playing pool or miniature golf or whatever, she kicked his ass. Instead of just saying, “Hey, when are you available? That’d be great,” or “Hey, I’d love to see you. What’s your schedule like” or “When are you available?” A real simple response. He starts trying to crack jokes and be cute and act a little goofy.

So after some back and forth, he tries to make a definite date for a specific day, specific time. Instead of saying, “What’s your schedule like?” He asks her to get together on that weekend. Like a specific day, Saturday night or whatever. She says she’s busy all week, and then he’s like, “Well, let me know when your schedule is free.” Again, he just started reading the book. I guess he’s been following me for probably a couple of years or so, just now getting around to it. His habit in the past was kind of being needy, kind of clingy, over-pursuing.

This is why I say often that I talk about it in the book. Phones for setting dates, not getting to know somebody. It’s typically a bad idea to try to crack jokes with somebody that doesn’t understand your sense of humor, because more often than not, if she doesn’t know you that well and you’re trying to crack jokes, you could end up insulting her or saying something that just sounds weird or doesn’t make any sense. If her interest isn’t super high, she just might ghost you. Kind of like what happened to this dude. So that’s why it’s best to be direct, decisive and get to the point. Especially with the way she reached out and was like, “Hey, when’s the next time we’re going to get together? When can we get together?” Instead of just zeroing in on making a definite date and saying, “Well, when are you free?” All you had to do was, “When are you free?” Four words. It’s all you had to text to her. Instead he starts trying to crack jokes and be funny, and it didn’t land because she just disappeared. Hasn’t replied. It’s been a couple of weeks now. He hasn’t heard anything. So it’s a simple thing.

If the girl’s super into you, you can probably get away with it, but if her interest isn’t that high or it’s mediocre and you try to crack jokes and they don’t land, I mean, I’ve done countless emails over the years where guys do that, and then the girl just disappears and stops replying. Probably oftentimes because the guy’s saying something that he thought was funny and he ends up insulting her or putting her down or whatever, and she just dips.

So to prevent that from happening, let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach Corey, 

I just wanted to say thank you for the amazing book, and happy to have finally started reading after two years of exposure to your content.

Typically, something like this goes sideways. He really liked the girl, and then it kind of stings because I mean, she was coming up to him at the office and then just nothing.

I’m 20 years old, and in August 2024 I reconnected with an ex-girlfriend, someone who I love deeply and has always checked off all my boxes. When she came back I was naturally being masculine as I was during the 2/3s of when we first dated for three years.

So two out of three years, he was pretty in his masculine, as he says.

We were doing the three H’s (Hanging out, having fun and hooking up) every date since we reconnected no matter if she just wanted to see me for 10 minutes before class. But I began acting needy and openly acknowledged that I did things that completely killed the attraction around December, a complete switch from just a couple weeks before begging me to be in a relationship. Tell me how when she left and dated another guy, she would stalk my old home to see me and tell me that she was willing to drive three hours from our hometown Hollywood, FL, to Cape Coral were I was now moving to, behind her parents’ back just to spend spring break with me. 

So just a few weeks earlier, “Oh yeah, I’ll leave. I’ll drive all the way to you now. I won’t tell my parents.” I’m sure the parents will love that…

I reached out one month later in January after she said things were, “Too hard for her” or “Were just too hard now,” and I found out she was dating another guy. I’ve gone into no-contact, and realized she likely won’t be coming back and I need to move on yet again. I got a new job in Cape Coral, and I started reading your book and running races, which has made me extremely happy. In turn, I’ve noticed a lot of girls at my office were interested in me because of how I presented myself. 

One of the girls would often pass by my office where the other girls would say we would make a great married couple, so I had made a move to where she cancelled the date and rescheduled immediately and we went mini-golfing on the first date (To which she kicked my ass). We had a great first date where the flow was really fun, to where she seemed like she didn’t want to leave when I said I had to go. We ended the night walking to her car where I planned on going for some of that kissy-poo you are always talking about. Before I could, she pressed her face against mine and jetted for the car and I told her to let me know if she gets home safe.

Again, he even followed me for a while, cherry-picking, hadn’t read the book, didn’t try to go to three different places. He went to one place, which was playing golf, where he got his ass kicked and then he’s like, “I got to leave,” and then he ended the date. Probably could have hooked up with her if he had better game that night. In other words, if he had read the book and understand the other things that were in there about the importance of going to three different places, and then when you guys are all over each other, that’s when you invite her back to your place, but he’s been a cherry-picker, admittedly.

She eventually did, we talked briefly, no more than five messages from me. I let her know that if she wanted a kiss she didn’t need to go running, and she responded with “Mmm, I’ll keep that in mind.” She would continue seeking me out around the office and eventually a week later texted me after work “So… when am I kicking your ass at a sport again?”

That’s basically, “Hey, when am I going to see you again? Let’s go play some kind of sport so I can whip your ass,” something like that. Probably would have made a date to go to Top Golf or something like that because there’s food and drinks and it’s a good time.

Oh, look who it is! It’s Lyla! What’s up, baby girl? Say hello to everybody. Lyla says hello. Well, good morning. Well, I am doing some work so you can wag your tail and sit on my lap while I continue to work.

So despite our little furry interruption, she’s seeking him out. I mean, that’s that’s a good thing. So if a woman says, “So, when am I kicking your ass at a sport again?” My response would have been just, “When are you free?” Let her tell you when she’s available and then make a date, but instead he says…

I played it off and responded, “I thought you ran off after the first beating,” I gave her a definitive date. “Sounds great, let’s go bowling this Saturday at 7 p.m., where I kick your butt again…”

So again, he hasn’t read the book. I would have just said, “When are you free? When are you available?” And let her tell you days and times she’s available and then pick one of them that works for you, but he just says, “How about Saturday, 7 p.m., we’ll go bowling?”

…And she told me that she was going to be at the beach that weekend and I had told her let me know when she was free. A week later, and I still haven’t heard from her, so I reached out again to say, “Hey, wanted to know if you were free this week to try an escape room together.”

So the thing is, you’re telling her exactly what you’re going to do on the dates instead of making a date and you’re giving her a choice. The other thing is, you weren’t congruent with what you said. You said, “Hey, figure out your schedule and get back to me,” but you didn’t hear from her for a week, so you pursued again. So maybe it would have taken her two weeks to reach back out, but again, I wouldn’t have handled things that way. When she says, “When am I kicking your ass at a sport again?” I would be like, “When are you free?” That’s all I would have said. Then the next response should have been her saying what day she’s available. If she just said, “Well, I don’t have any time this weekend. I’m going to be at the beach.” I would be like, “Well, that sounds like fun. When are you available next week?” Again, your job is to be the appointment setter. Make a definite date, definite time, definite place to get together. Trying to do a video here without any whiny, furry female interruptions.

So again, he reaches out because sometimes when you tell a girl those things and then you don’t wait, it’s like the same thing as double and triple texting and you’re only reaching out because you’re afraid you’re not going to hear from her, but it was a little sloppy. It shouldn’t have been a whole week going by with nothing, but he didn’t wait for her to reach out. In that case, I would have waited like two full weeks to try to give her enough time to reach back out, but he didn’t.

Girls that have really high interest, this is not going to be that big a deal, but again, he sends this email because he hasn’t heard from her. He’s trying to figure out why. So when I look at things like this, he’s trying to be cute, he’s trying to be funny, he did send his text exchange, but I only got part of it and it looked like some was cut off. So if I was to read it, it’s like none of it really makes any sense, and that’s probably part of the problem is his jokes and what he was trying to talk about weren’t making much sense. That’s probably why she didn’t reply.

However, if I get no response again, to walk away and look for other girls who would be interested.

So she didn’t even reply to that text.

I know you say girls often test guys to see what they’re made of, especially ones that all guys want with nice figures like hers.

Well, you double texted her basically because you weren’t congruent with what you said. You told her to check her schedule and get back to you, but you didn’t wait. You reached out again.

So I’m currently wondering if this is a test and also reading your book more than ever because I don’t want to fall back into my needy ways…

Well, that’s basically what was going on, is you didn’t hear from her, so you didn’t let her reach back out to you. That’s the same needy impulses that you were feeling a little less than you were before, but at the end of the day, you were not comfortable waiting to hear from her. Who knows? Maybe two weeks later she would have reached out, or she would have come up to you at the office and said something about a sport or kicking your ass or whatever. I would be like, “Well, when are you available?”

Your job is to be direct, decisive and get to the point with as little chit-chat as possible, but for a multitude of reasons, you’re not trying to crack jokes, you don’t want to say something that’s going to turn her off and make yourself look like a goofball. The other thing is, you’re just being direct and decisive, because the more you try to crack jokes, the more the conversation goes on, the more you leave things up in the air. Again, a woman with lower interest, you can’t make too many mistakes to where they just stop replying, but if it’s super high interest, it wouldn’t be that big a deal. The goal is to clean up your game and your texting so you’re not unnecessarily turning off women who you had a good chance with.

…And want to practice so that I could find more great women like her or re-attract my ex if she ever decides to come back. Coach, give me some of your elite ball knowledge as I would really like to hear from a wiser mind on if I am making any kind of mistakes.

Thank you again for taking the time to read my email letter, and I plan to make a donation in gratitude soon because the information you’ve given me has really changed my life.

Bob

Well yes, because you’re still kind of displaying a little bit of needy behavior. You know, obviously I pointed it out earlier what I would have done differently because again, the more stuff you put in there, the higher the likelihood that you get a flaky response. Again, if the girl’s interest is super high, you’ll be able to get away with it, but if her interest is kind of low to mediocre, it’s easy to put your foot in your mouth and turn her off, and she just doesn’t reply. The fact that you didn’t hear from her, you reached out again, it’s still the needy type of behavior. So that’s all I would have done if I were you.

So at this point, you’ve sent multiple texts, multiple invitations for dates, she hasn’t replied. So as soon as she reaches out or if she reaches out again, just say, “Hey you! I want to see you. What’s your schedule like? When are you available? When are you free?” And then make a date. Don’t send five texts back and forth, “Hey, how you been? What’s new? How’s work?” Don’t say stupid shit like that. Just get right to the point. Especially in this case, when a girl texts you and says, “When am I going to kick your ass again in a sport?” I would like, “When are you free? When are you available?” That would have been my only response. Then she would have texted you when she’s available and you would be like, “Great, let’s do this day and time. I’ll pick you up,” but he didn’t do that. So margin for error is real low when her interest is low, but it’s much higher if her interest is higher.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.