How to make your relationship a drama-free zone if your current lover has a toxic or interfering ex who simply will not go away, and is constantly trying to ruin and break up your relationship so they can get them back for themselves, but your current lover tolerates this annoying and frustrating interference by still talking to them.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer whose current boyfriend of six months is still friends with his exes. Normally this would not be an issue, but the problem is his most recent ex before they got together and started dating. The ex thinks that she stole him from her and has been trying to break them up ever since they got together. His ex has shown up unannounced at his home and places where he frequents. His ex will sit with him when she is not around and take selfies that she then posts to social media suggesting that she had a great time with him. His ex is constantly texting him and blowing up his phone with inappropriate messages. She has over-heard him and his ex arguing on the phone several times, and she wonders why he puts up with this. She has asked him to delete this particular ex from his life for good, but he refuses and says that she is controlling and insecure. She asks what I think she should do.
My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. He is still friends with his exes. (It’s okay to talk to your exes, but women from the past who create a lot of drama shouldn’t be tolerated.) I just think he should completely cut off contact with the most recent ex. The ex thinks I stole him from her. She has been trying to break us up ever since. She was controlling and caused drama while they were together. In fact, when he and I were just hanging out as friends and kind of dating, but still just friends, she showed up to his place as I was dropping him off at his apartment. She started asking me if we were sleeping together. (That was none of her business.) They were not together at the time. They lost their baby and had lost another infant two years prior. She still uses this to try and keep his attention. She blows up his phone and texts him inappropriate things. Once, she showed up to a bar she knows he frequents, took a photo of him and uploaded it to her social media with the caption, “I had a great time with him tonight.” I’ve overheard them arguing on the phone a couple of times.
I just simply ask him, WHY do they need to still talk? He’s acting like I am being controlling. I offered to step back, so he can have time to get closure, but he insists he is over her. I don’t like her being around. (Ask him how he would feel if your exes showed up when you two were on dates.) He says I am insecure and have trust issues. (No, tell him it has nothing to do with that. This woman is purposely trying to break you up, and he is defending her as if it’s okay. It sounds like they have unresolved issues. Tell him you are not interested in drama, and he needs to tell her to stop. It has nothing to do with you being needy or insecure. It’s about being respectful.) He says I should trust him to handle it himself, but it’s been six months!!! I don’t think I am. I just don’t want to be treated like just an option or a rebound. Am I just being insecure? What should I do? (I personally wouldn’t put up with that. Let him know you expect him to handle it, or you will walk away. Look at this article and video I did on the topic: “Her Interfering Ex’s.”)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Making the decision to make your life a drama-free zone is one of the best decisions you can make for your life and your relationships. You should delete toxic friends and former lovers who can’t or won’t let go of the past and move on. You should only become involved with friends and lovers who have a drama-free life as well. If you start dating someone and they have a toxic ex who simply will not go away and tries to interfere in your relationship, but your lover tolerates their presence and interference, then you should tell them that, out of respect for you and your relationship, the toxic ex must go. If they refuse or accuse you of being insecure and controlling, you should simply remind them that your life is a drama-free zone, and you will not tolerate disrespect or toxic people. After you lovingly communicate what your standards are and what you expect, if they still refuse to budge, the only option is to leave the relationship and find someone who understands it is not loving or respectful to expect you to tolerate this nonsense. Life is too short.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne