Matching & Mirroring Her Actions: Takeaway Gone Wrong?

How to know when to match and mirror her actions and use the takeaway when a woman takes you for granted.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says his new girlfriend of 2 months has been losing interest in him. He made a definite date to make dinner at his place. The day of the date, she canceled the dinner plans because she was out with her girlfriend and said that she didn’t know what time she’d be by. He told her he would just see her for their next scheduled date on Friday.

She wanted to come by later that evening before bed. He went to hang out with his brother and texted her back right before he went to bed and hasn’t heard from her since. He asks if he did the takeaway properly. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

As I talk about in 3% Man, typically what you’re doing as you’re starting the courtship off, you’re going out with a girl once a week. And then, usually what starts to happen after that – especially because most women are going to sleep with the guy by the second or third date – what ends up happening is she calls and she texts within a day or two of the last time you saw each other, and you use those as opportunities to set the next date. Because as her interest goes up, she’s going to call and text more. And so, you should assume she wants to see more, and you just use those as opportunities to set the next date. And then that way, you don’t have to worry about pursuing too much, calling and texting too much. It’s like, she’s reaching out, and you make a date, therefore, it’s her idea and things move at her pace.

And so, when you get to the point where you’ve been boyfriend-girlfriend for two months, typically, she’s going to be at your house or you’re going to be at hers every night, and she should be in love with you. If you followed what’s in 3% Man, this should happen around week six or week seven. And so, he’s two months down the road, and he’s noticed that her attraction has been dropping. And so, when a woman’s attraction starts dropping, she is not as willing to keep plans. She may try to change plans, she may try to jerk you around a little bit. And so, after she asks if she’s going to be able to see him, instead of having to wait until Friday, that tells me she would like to see him and spend time with him.

But what I also see, it also seems like he’s robotically, even after two months of being boyfriend-girlfriend, he’s only seeing her once a week. And he goes into making a dinner date at his place, because she wants to come by and see him, so he’s kind of turning it into a big production. When you’re in a relationship, everything doesn’t have to be a big date. It could be something that’s simple. You’ve got a date set up for Friday, and she says, “Hey, will I be able to see you before our date Friday?” And then you just tell her what time she can come over.

You know, she was asking if she’d come over that night, but he was busy, so he told her the next night. And that’s what’s typically going to happen, is you may not have plans, and she may call you at 4:00 in the afternoon or 6:00 at night, or even 8:00, and she’s like, “Hey, what are you doing?” It’s like, “I’m watching TV,” or” I’m reading a book,” or “I’m talking to my mom,” or whatever it happens to be. It’s like, “What are you doing? Why don’t you get your cute little ass over here?” Especially if she suggests, “Hey, do I have to wait until Friday to see you,” it’s like, “Get your ass over here right now.” You’re going to invite her over. It doesn’t have to be, “Oh, I’ve got to put on his big production of a date.”

You’re going to stick to that more in the beginning. But when you’re boyfriend-girlfriend, you’re two months down the road, what should be happening at this point is she’s at his house every night or he’s at her house every night. And if he’s still only seeing her once a week after two months, that tells me he’s a little too robotic, following too much of a script. And so, it gets in the way of things like this where she wants to see him sooner. Because he’s like, “Oh, it has to be an official date, so we’re going to make dinner together.”

But the other thing we’ve got to keep in mind is he said her interest has been dropping. He doesn’t say anything about what caused it to drop. All we know is that it is has dropped. Because he makes plans the next day, even though he also has plans for Friday for her to come over, and then they’re going to make dinner together. And then she texted him a few hours before the plan to say she took the day off from work, she’s hanging out with a friend of hers, and she doesn’t know what time she’ll be back. And so, she basically cancels the dinner plans that they have around 5:00 or 6:00 and says, “I want to come by at 8:00.”

And from the get go, it sounded like she just wanted to come by for a booty call, but he wants to turn it into a big production of a date. But the thing that’s important to understand about this is that, instead of just inviting her to come over, he’s made definite plans and she’s agreed to it. And a few hours before, she’s like, “Oh, I’m not going to make it,” so she’s canceling plans. And so, he does the takeaway, and I like how he handled it. But it does bring up some things here that, like I said, it doesn’t seem like it’s really free flowing. It almost seems like two months of boyfriend-girlfriend and they’re still only seeing each other once a week. That tells me he probably doesn’t know the book that well, and he’s been doing other things to turn her off.

She canceled their plans, she still wanted to come by – she just wanted to come by later in the evening, probably for a booty call and maybe just stay the night – but the fact that she canceled the plan shows that he’s not really that much of a priority to her, and that’s not a good sign. Because you’re going to have dates set up, but if she’s going to text you out of the blue, “Hey, what are you doing tonight?” it’s like, “Making love to you. What time are you going to be here?”

You know, when you get messages like that out of the blue in the evening, if she says, “Hey, what are you doing?” you just say, “Come over.” Just like that. Text her back, “Come over.” If she’s texting you in the evening, she probably wants to see you. Especially if it’s late, like 10:00 pm, “What are you doing?” You just say, “Come over. Get over here.” I’m assuming she’s 10-15 minutes away and not like 2 hours away, but that’s typically how it’s going to happen. Or she’ll be like, “Hey, I missed you. Hey, I want to see your face.” It’s like, “Well, get your ass over here. What’s taking you so long?” Love is playful and fun, it’s not serious.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey,

I’m Bob. I recently had a situation with my girlfriend, who I’ve been with for just over 2 months, where I could sense her interest declining a little bit more and more. On Monday I made a date for Friday, and she said, “Does that mean I can’t see you during the week?” And I said, “It’s gonna be a busy one, but of course you can still see me.” She asked when I was free, and I said, “Not tonight, how about tomorrow,” as she mentioned before.

Now, is he saying “not tonight” because he doesn’t want to make last minute plans and he’s being a little too anal about that? Or did he really have something going on? Because if he had something going on, and she’s asking him when he’s free… well, let’s assume he wasn’t wasn’t free. But the point being is if she’s calling you late in the evening wanting to know what you’re doing, maybe she wants to come by. That’s typically if you’re two months in, and your boyfriend-girlfriend, and you’ve been dating for three or four months total, it shouldn’t be a big deal for her to come over and hang out like that. Every single time you get together, it doesn’t have to be some big production of a date, because you’re in a relationship.

And that’s why I say read the book 10 to 15 times. That’s just how things happen. They flow together naturally to where you’re always spending time together. This tells me he’s a little too anal about it, and he’ll only get together with her if it’s an official date. But like I said, if you’re hanging out, if you’re boyfriend-girlfriend, she may call you and say, “I want to see you tonight.” It’s like, “Great, come on over.” I mean, she’s going to know your schedule if you’re hanging out that much anyway, by this point in time.

So, this tells me he’s being a little too robotic with the book, and it’s kind of tripping him up a little bit. But then again, he doesn’t tell me what caused her interest to drop. But the fact that she’s kind of jerking him around when they have plans shows that she doesn’t have a lot of respect for him, or she doesn’t have the level of respect she should have after two months of being boyfriend-girlfriend.

We made definite plans to make dinner at my place in the 5:30 to 6:00 window. She texted me 4 hours before that was supposed to happen, and she said she couldn’t make it in time.

So, this is her boyfriend. This is her man, this is her guy. And she’s basically, “Oh, I’m out partying with a friend. Oh shucks, I’m not going to make it on time.” It tells me she’s taking him for granted, and she’s taking his time for granted. If you don’t value your time, nobody else will either.

She took the day off from work and went to hang out with her friend and said that she didn’t know when she’d get back to her car but planned for around 8:00.

Now, keep in mind, this is like two hours after they were supposed to get together.

She made plans on top of our plans, and she didn’t make me aware until 4 hours beforehand.

So, this is where he’s going to use the takeaway…

So, in a nice way I said, “It sounds like you have a lot going on, so if you can’t be there at the time we planned, I’ll just see you Friday.” She told me to shut my ass and that she would “be there around 8:00, if that’s okay.” I said I had a romantic fun night planned, and how are we supposed to do that if she shows up 2 hours before bedtime.

I don’t like the fact that she’s canceling the dinner that they had together. But it definitely sounds like what she really wanted to do was come by for a booty call. She didn’t want to wait until Friday. Which is a good thing that she wanted to come by, but it’s a bad thing that she’s jerking him around like this and just going, “Oh, I can’t make it. I’m not going to come until two hours later. And by the way, just sit around and wait for me.” That’s just rude.

I said, “Why don’t you have a good time with your friend, and I’ll see you very soon, with a smiley face. She said, “I’m sorry” with a crying face, and I said it was all good have a good one and I’ll see her soon. She said, “I can still come see you.” I didn’t reply until it was bedtime, and I told her I just got back from my brother’s house and to have herself a good night.

So, he basically matched and mirrored her actions. She showed he wasn’t that much of a priority and she’s jerking him around. I mean, she’s taking him for granted, and you just don’t do that to people you supposedly love and care about. That’s just rude. You want him to block out time for you, he blocks out time for you, and then a few hours before you’re supposed to come over, you say, “Oh, I’m hanging out with a friend. I’m going to do that instead. But yeah, I’ll come by and see you for a couple of hours later.”

And I’ve been in that situation. That definitely shows that she’s lost respect and attraction. I’ve written examples like that in the book. And so, he does a good job of doing the takeaway, because she’s the one that messed up the plans. Therefore, she basically showed him that his time wasn’t worth very much, and she decided she wanted to go have fun with somebody else, and he was going to be her into the evening plans. And he just went and made other plans and hung out with his brother which, quite frankly, was the right move in this situation. Don’t let people waste your time.

She replied, “Goodnight!” and I haven’t heard anything since. Did I do the right thing?

Absolutely. You don’t let the girl jerk you around. But what should be concerning is her interest is dropping. And so, you need to read the book 10 to 15 times, Dude, this is why you guys get into trouble when you just focus on the pickup and dating things and you’re getting laid. And then you get in a relationship like, “Hey, I don’t need to learn any of that stuff.” And so, here you are, you’re having problems with your girlfriend of two months. Her interest is dropping, and that tells me you’re not doing the things to keep her attracted, probably because you’re lazy, like a lot of guys are.

Should I have let her come over at 8:00, when she made plans on top of our plans? Please help me. You’re the best, and I really like this girl.

Thanks so much,

Bob

Well, you basically treated her time as being just as valuable as she treated your time. And so, she went and did something else with somebody, another friend of hers, and you went and did the same thing. So, if it was me, when I got home from my brother’s and I was texting her, “Hey, I’m about to go to bed,” I would have said, “Well, you’re welcome to come over and spend the night if you want. I’d love to see you. I’d love to wake up with you naked in my arms.” You could have just said that to her, and she might have said, “Okay.” Because she’s recognizing that if she doesn’t take advantage of your limited time offer to spend time with her, you’re going to take it away and go give your time to somebody else.

But instead of letting her come over at 8:00, you went to your brother’s house, obviously. And so, what I would have done, I would have said, “Hey, sorry. I just saw your message. Just got back from my brother’s. You can come over if you’re still up for it. I’d love to see you.” See what she says. She might just go, “Oh, okay.” And then you just go, “Alright, I’ll see you Friday.” But I like what you did. You handled it really well. It was a good way to handle the takeaway.

But, like I said, at two months it should be a normal thing for something like this to where you either call or text at 8:00 or 9:00 at night, and she’s like, “Hey, can I come over?” That’s typical of what’s going to happen. “Hey, what are you doing?” “I’m going to be hanging out with you. Why don’t you get your ass over here? Come stay the night.” You should be cool with that at this point in time. But the fact that she’s jerking you around like this, that’s not a good sign. So, something’s going sideways. I don’t know what it is. You didn’t say anything. You gave me no reasons why that was going on. But the bottom line is, her interest has dropped. And so, the way you handled it was correct.

The only thing I would have done differently is when you get home and you’re getting ready to go to bed, if she’s not that far away, you know, as long as she’s not like an hour away, or whatever, I would have said, “Hey, I just got home, just saw your message. Why don’t you come over? You should come over now.” See what she says. She may come over. She may wait until the next day. You just don’t know.

But that would be the only thing, the caveat, that I would have done differently, because it should not a big deal for your girlfriend to hop in a car and come over and come see you and be excited to see you. The fact that everything is like an official date and only once per week, that shows there’s not a closeness there. There’s not a real intimacy. This is what happens when you act kind of robotic and cherry pick from the book.

But like I said, you handled the takeaway well. The one critique would have been I would have invited her over when I got home that night. She may or may not have come over. It may have changed her attitude, and then she would have jumped at the chance to spend the night with you. And that’s all she really wanted anyway. So, you’ve got a date with her Friday, just see her then. Don’t call her, don’t text her. Just go pick her up, or whatever you’ve got planned, and follow through with it.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.