Why men lead the romantic interactions, but it is women who do the choosing.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who has only read my book, How To Be A 3% Man, once, but says I contradict myself when it comes to men leading and women being the ones who choose which men to be in a relationship with.
What he’s really looking for is justification for pursuing women to lock them down to a commitment, because he is too impatient and controlling. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He’s talking about how men are supposed to lead the romantic interactions, but when it comes to exclusivity and being monogamous, it’s women who are supposed to bring up the exclusivity talk. But he says, well, if men are supposed to lead, aren’t they supposed to make their intentions clear that they want a relationship in the beginning?
The thing that we’ve got to remember is that it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Women fall in love slowly over time, and it’s best to go slightly slower than the woman you’re dating and courting is going. What happens is guys get into these situations where they go out on one or two dates with the girl and they think, “This is going to be my girlfriend. This is going to be my wife,” and they start trying to lock her down to a commitment. They start calling too much, texting too much, trying to do too many dates too soon, and they end up smothering the woman to the point where she feels like she’s losing her freedom and she wants to dip on out. And then, the guy gets ghosted.
This is what you see in a lot of the movies. The guy is supposed to pursue and wear her down, and eventually she throws in the towel and says, “Yes, I’ll be with you.” But the interesting thing is, when you look back at movies 50, 60, 70 years ago, it was the exact opposite. The women were always pursuing the guys and trying to get the best, most available bachelors to settle down and be with them and live happily ever after. The reality is that when men are in their natural masculine and they behave that way, this is exactly what happens.
You could tell a part of this guy’s belief is that it’s his job to do everything, and he doesn’t like the idea of letting the women bring it up. So, it’s an interesting email to go through, because this creates a lot of problems. Like, when I was in my twenties and I didn’t understand this concept at all, I chased a lot of good women away because I was trying to do too much, too soon.
As the Thich Nhat Hanh quote says, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” If you love and value yourself and you know what you’re bringing to the table, you’ve got to give the other person the space to choose you as well, to make a mutual effort. And if you’re driven by fear, you’re going to want to try to lock them down to a commitment, because you don’t want to wait a few days, or a few weeks or a few months. You want to find out where you stand right now, so you can keep making the effort, or move on.
And with women, their emotions change day by day and hour by hour, so it’s best to let them feel free. Because if they feel free to come and go, they’re going to feel safe, trusting your leadership and trusting your masculine core, like you’re not going to try to force them to do something they’re either not emotionally ready for, or they just simply don’t want to do. You create the conditions where they willingly follow you, because they feel safe in your presence to be themselves.
I’ve observed a slight contradiction in your teaching, which I’d like your thoughts on. As men, we should be directed and clear in how we build our lives and relationships. I take it that we should know what we want in a woman and relationship.
Well, when you just start dating somebody, you’re in what’s called the vetting process. People can hide who they are for about ninety days. The reality is, even though your endorphins and your feelings might be in the stratosphere, if you’ve only been out on one or two dates with a girl, and you’re convinced that she’s your future ex-wife or your future girlfriend, that’s delusional thinking. That is the kind of thinking that causes you to get involved with people and stay in love with people that you shouldn’t, because you didn’t vet them properly.
Most people put more time into deciding and researching what kind of a car they’re going to buy than the people they get in relationship with. And that’s part of the problem. You think you know what you want in the beginning, but you’ve got to spend enough time with them. You’ve got to have sleepovers enough, they’ve got to stay at your place, you’ve got to stay it theirs. You’ve got to get to the point where you’ve spent so much time around each other that the mask of who they’re trying to sell you on who they are, they can’t hide it anymore. That’s why, for at least ninety days, you can’t really tell, you don’t know what you’re dealing with.
And a lot of guys make that decision, “Oh, she’s pretty enough. She’s fun enough. She’s good in bed. I like talking to her. This girl is perfect.” And women don’t arrive at that conclusion that quickly. They fall in love slowly over time. If you follow what’s in “How To Be A 3% Man,” usually it’s around week six, week seven where the woman says she’s in love with you. And that’s when the conversation is like, “Where is this going? Where do you see this heading? “They start hinting and bringing up, trying to figure out where you’re at.
At the end of the day, whether you like it or not, the bottom line is women like you more if they’re not so sure about your feelings and your interest and they have to bring it up. It’s better to take your time and not be in a rush. And I can tell this guy wants to be in a rush to make a definite definitive decision, to tell a woman when he first starts dating her, “I want a relationship with you.” And it’s just not going to work, because women are like, “I don’t even know you. How can you already know that you want to be in a relationship with me? You don’t know anything about me yet.”
Women think that’s strange. It causes them to to back off a little bit. It doesn’t feel right to them. Because women go out on dates with the attitude of, “Is this guy good for me? Are we good together? Is he going to be good to me? Do I like him?” You should have the same kind of attitude towards it that women do, because women typically put more thought into vetting the guys they date than the guys that are dating them.
Most guys are like, “Oh, she’s hot. I want her, it’s perfect. This is my future ex-wife.” It’s a bad way to go. You’re just setting yourself up to get into a relationship, or even worse, you end up knocking a girl up, and then you find out she’s a lunatic or a train wreck. And now she’s going to be in your life for multiple decades.
So, when dating women, we should have clear intentions and direction of where we are leading her.
Again, in the very beginning, you don’t know that. You just want to hang out, have fun, hook up, see where it goes. Relationships all start casually. They start casually as hanging out, having fun and hooking up. In the modern world, most women sleep with a guy by the second or third date. That’s reality. But even if you’re sleeping with her, it doesn’t mean you really know her well enough to make that decision.
And the reality is, when you’re younger as a guy and you don’t have a lot of sexual partners, you don’t know what you don’t know. You’ve got to experience. Because if you’re only with one or two women and then you go and get married, then you’re always going to be wondering, is the grass greener on the other side? You’ve got to know what it’s like.
You’ve got to get your heart broken several times and know what it’s like, know what it feels like, know the different types of women that are out there, their communication styles. You’re going to come across women that have no integrity, you’re going to come across women that have integrity, and everything in between. You’ve got to take your time. Haste makes waste, as the old saying goes.
Essentially, we take the lead. However, on top of this, you teach to simply hang out, have fun and hook up but let the woman take the lead on initiating the relationship. This is the contradiction.
Well, there is no contradiction, because again, you only read the book once, so you don’t really understand what’s in my book well enough to even say this. But the reality is keep it casual. Your job as a man in the courtship is simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun and hook up. That’s it.
And if you’re saying on your first couple of dates that you’re leading her to a relationship, that’s kind of stupid and that’s delusional, because you don’t know what you don’t know. Again, this woman can hide who she is for about ninety days. That’s why you need to take your time.
My thoughts below:
I understand that we should not be attached to a particular woman and focus on our purpose, which is what truly sustains us and transcends individual relationships. However, I believe that men should have clear intentions about what they want from life, including an intimate relationship with a woman.
I agree with that, but not a particular woman. If you’re looking for a relationship, if you’re looking for marriage, you just want a girlfriend, or you just want to date around, you’ve got to know what you want and you’ve got to know why you want it. And then you’ve got to make sure that the woman that you’re dating, or women that you’re dating, share the same goals and values, because if you don’t, you’re going to have a lot of problems.
I would never have “the talk” with a woman about a relationship, but I would not be afraid to express that I’m interested in long term intimate relationships.
Well, there’s nothing wrong with saying you’re a relationship person, or you’d like to have a relationship, or someday you’d like to get married, but it’s focusing in and locking one particular girl down, especially in the very beginning, because she’s going to bounce on you if you do that.
Express that I have a vision, to explore life and love. Then, allow her to decide if that’s what she wants with me.
Again, these are not things you bring up in the beginning, because you don’t know what you don’t know. So, what it looks like to me is you’re trying to justify continuing to operate where you want to lock a girl down right in the beginning, and that just doesn’t work. You’re going to get bounced on and ghosted a lot, or “I just think you as a friend.”
Because guys that are in a rush to lock a girl down in the beginning, they’re needy and they’re desperate. And the only reason they’re needy and desperate is because they don’t have many choices or options, and therefore they’re driven by fear. Like the Rumi quote that I love so much, “Slow and steady, like the river that never grows stale. No hurry, no rush.”
Also, I’d be inclined to think that women want this direction, clarity and long-term planning from their man.
Well, you aren’t her man yet.
This would allow them to trust in their man’s direction and follow his lead.
Yeah, once you’re in a relationship, that’s fine, but not when you just start dating.
Anyway, I highly respect your work and you provide guidance that was never available to me from any man in my life. Thank you. I’ve read your book 3% Man only once, because I’ve already connected with The Way of the Superior Man as my core guide.
Well, if you’re only going to read “How To Be A 3% Man” once, you’re going to have maybe some attainable success, but it’s not going to be sustainable, because you don’t know what’s in the book. And so, you’re already not following instructions.
And I could tell the way you’re thinking, that I’ve pointed out throughout this email, is not going to serve you well. It’s going to cause you to make unnecessary mistakes because you’re impatient and you want everything now. And when it comes to women, as the old saying goes, “You can’t hurry love. No, you just have to wait. Love don’t come easy.” Something like that. I think it was a Phil Collins song or Genesis song. I’m sure you guys love my singing, as usual.
Other books such as Alabaster Girl are great too.
By Zan Perrion, which I think is an excellent book. Zan is really smart, really wise in this area. I highly recommend “The Alabaster Girl.” It should be a core essential.
As well as anything on improving consciousness and presence.
My recommendation is read the book 10 to 15 times, because you’re going to make mistakes. This book covers pickup, dating and relationships, and they all tie in together. And if you’ve just read it once, you’re going to make a lot of mistakes. You’ll be one of those guys that’ll be in a panic, “I need to talk to you soon. I screwed things up. When’s the quickest phone session I can get in there?” It’s like, don’t be one of those guys. But a lot of times people don’t listen and they don’t believe me, and then they’re in an emergency.
So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you would like to get my help and do a coaching session, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“In the courtship, it’s the man’s job to lead the woman to where he wants to go. If he is sure of himself, his vision of where he wants to go and is pursuing a plan to make it happen, she will feel safe and comfortable enough to trust his leadership and follow and support him. When it comes to relationship commitments, it’s better to let women bring up exclusivity when they feel emotionally ready, because most men are too impatient and in a rush to lock a woman down. This often leads to men chasing women right out of their lives.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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