Why some women mistakenly assume men are only interested in sex when the reality is, they’re consistently making bad choices in the men they choose to date and making sure they share the same dating and relationship goals and values.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who is frustrated with her dating results and feels like guys are only interested in and care about sex, but not a relationship. She says she finds my videos a bit disappointing, but it’s obvious to me that what’s really going on is, she has a negative emotional charge around the topic of sex and being vulnerable.
The real root of her sex, dating and relationship dilemma is, she needs to improve her skills of discernment, her ability to read people’s actions and true intentions, and to enhance her pickup, dating and relationship knowledge. Since she believes guys only care about sex, she tends to attract men who are only interested in a casual relationship. I tell her what she needs to focus on, so she can meet her dating and relationship goals and attract a man who has the same goals and values. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.
Here is an Amazon.com review of my book from a woman whose boyfriend uses what my book teaches successfully:
“I found this in my boyfriend’s closet one day earlier in our relationship, (we just passed the 6-month mark), and started reading it, wondering what it was talking about. “3% Man” just sounded like a strange way to put it. I was sitting on the couch when he came in from work later, and he told me he thought I would hate it because it is so blunt about women, or says that we are so predictable in many different ways. I told him I thought it was good so far, and that it’s good for me to know what he has been reading about women so I can talk to him about whether I agree or not. The more I read through this book though, the more I could check off that he had already done, and it had worked, and the reason why was spot on. A lot of women read “Why Men Love Bitches,” but I think women as well as men should be reading this book if they are serious about wanting a relationship that will last because of the things that are done right from the start.”
I’ve been following your videos, and there is one video about friends with benefits. I have a confusing situation where I need your opinion. I want to be married to or dating someone in a long-term relationship. (When you start dating someone, you need to make sure what they’re looking for and what they can actually offer you are aligned with your goals.) Unfortunately, most men online only want to have sex, (Quite frankly, that’s a true statement. The whole reason those websites exist is for men and women are sexually attracted to each other), but I want courting and a more in-depth relationship. I find your videos a bit disappointing. I don’t deny sex with the right guy, but there’s more to relationships than sex! (Absolutely, but I can tell you have not read my book yet. The bottom line is, men and women go on dates because sex is eventually going to happen.) Most guys who ask me out want to hit the bed after the first date. This isn’t what I want. (If you’re on a date with someone who just tells you what you want to hear and does a “hit and run,” you’re going to be disappointed. By reading my book 10-15 times, you’ll know what to look for in a guy and how to know if his intentions are sincere or not.) I want to have nice chats and get to know each other a few dates before sex. (It’s really about feeling safe and comfortable. If the chemistry is not there, you’re not going to want to have sex on the first date.) Anyway, I finally I signed up for a hook up site. (That’s a mistake, because the goals and values of the people who are signed up for that site are not aligned with your own.) I’m so fed up with the dating game where everything is the same. I know you’re going to laugh at me, but I just thought what the heck! It’s all the same. Hook up sites and regular dating sites are the same. Why do men lie to get girls on regular dating sites instead of just going on hook up sites? (Sometimes guys don’t like the girl enough to be in a relationship with her.)
Well anyway, my story is, I’ve met this guy on a hook up site, and we’ve been out to lunch. He told me up front that he’s interested in a friends-with-benefits/no strings attached relationship only, (Right up front he says he just wants to get laid. However, you see what you want to see, not what he is trying to communicate to you), due to the fact he travels places and he doesn’t want to get tied down. (You’ve got to love in such a way that the person you love feels free.) After the lunch, he followed me home and we had sex. (You were saying one thing but doing another.) We did this three times, and I started to feel an attachment. (You allowed your emotions to hijack you.) I can’t help it! I just think sex is something special to give to someone I like, not to have it for free, and I’m so confused. Then I started to ask him more about himself and tried to get to know him more. (Are you doing that because you really care, or because you want a relationship? If you can’t handle just having casual sex with this guy, don’t spend any more time with him. Stop thinking you can change him and look for a guy who has the same goals and values as you.) He’s an executive for a software company, single, 46-years old, divorced and has no children. I wanted to check online about his identity. I don’t want to just believe people, so I asked him his last name. I got his birthday, because he told me over the lunch. He got really pissed at me, and wanted to end the relationship. (Remember, he just wants a casual affair, and now you’re getting up in his business and focusing on what you want.) He thought I wanted money and expected to have nice vacations and things, because he thinks women on hook up sites are all prostitutes! I got really mad at him for thinking that way. I told him that I have no intention of asking for money or expect things from him. He injured my pride, and I broke up with him. (You punished him because he pissed you off.)
Shortly after that fight, I closed all my profiles on online dating and hook up sites. I cried so much, and I felt really hurt. (You shouldn’t go to a hook up site to meet the next great love of your life.) Shortly after that, he texted me back and wanted to see me, just to be friends only and to help me with my music career. (That’s when you say you’re not interested in something strictly platonic.) He thinks I should be teaching piano at home since I play well, and I can make money out of that. It makes sense, but the truth is, this is just an excuse to see each other. So we did, and we had a nice lunch, but I’ve been really reserved and withdrawn. He bought me an Android tablet and hopes I can search for students and place ads online, etc. After lunch, we had makeup sex, (He bribed you for sex with a tablet), and it was really good, although I still want a relationship, not just FWB stuff! (That’s not what he’s looking for. The bottom line is, your goals and values are not aligned.) I really like him, and I’m kind of sad I didn’t get what I wanted. We did talk about the fight. He admitted he overreacted, and he felt he was wrong about me. I have no intention to use him at all. What I really want is a nice boyfriend who meets my standards, and I hope it could grow into something more. (That’s why you should leave your options open and put your dating profile on dating websites only, not hook up websites.) He has been really nice and more concerned about my life and me. I can see he has changed his attitude. I don’t want to pressure him, but my hope isn’t there. (I wouldn’t reach out to him, because he’s shown he will reach out to you. He can be a placeholder until you meet the next great love of your life.) I took him to the airport for a trip, and he told me that he would contact me whenever he could.
Honestly, I think I have too many hopes. (You need to see this relationship for what it really is, not anything more than friends with benefits. Just hang out, have fun, hook up and keep your options open.) I’m afraid I won’t get what I want, and I really don’t want to get hurt! Oh, one more thing… I am a single mom of two, an 8-year old boy, and a 7-year old girl. He also mentioned that I should just concentrate on my music career and my kids, and one day someone will come along. I hope it will be him. (Don’t focus on the person. Focus on the outcome you’d like. Keep your options open, instead of putting all of your eggs in one basket with a fuck buddy. The reality is, you’re more into this guy than he is into you.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Many women often complain that men only care about sex. It is true that some men are only interested in casual sex and dating affairs, but when a woman has a knowledge gap in her pickup, dating and relationship knowledge, she will often consciously and unconsciously make bad choices in the men she chooses to date who are exactly the kind of men she’s trying to avoid. Why? What you fear you attract. The world would be a much happier place if everyone had a basic understanding of what causes, grows and maintains sexual attraction in both men and women, why men and women do what they do in their intimate relationships and interactions, and how to consistently make the right choices to achieve their dating and relationship goals. When you are continually getting bad results in any area of your life that is important to you, you must realize your strategy sucks and change your approach, or you will continue to get results you are not happy with.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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