Here’s what happens when men become the women in their relationships and why this leads to breaking up.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who slowly became the overly emotional woman in his relationship during the lockdowns. He ended up working from home and started cooking, cleaning and taking care of their cats. Eventually, his girlfriend wanted space and they broke up.
While he was still interested in rekindling things, she was starting to date and sleep with another man, unbeknownst to him. She also started sleeping with him occasionally, and he thought they might get back together. Then he found out about the new boyfriend. He’s devastated and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I have an email here from a guy who, during the lockdowns, ended up working from home a lot, and so he started cooking, and cleaning, and taking care of the cats, and basically became the overly emotional chick in the relationship, which eventually led to her needing space. He moved out thinking, “Hey, this will be good for us. We’ll rekindle things in a few months,” and then come to find out, she starts dating and sleeping with another guy.
Then he starts hanging out with her and sleeping together again, and he finds out about this other guy who’s not just another guy. He’s now her new boyfriend. So, he’s pretty upset. He’s thinking, “What the hell? You’re sleeping with me, but you’ve got a boyfriend. That doesn’t make any sense.” Obviously, he’s pretty devastated, because they were together a couple of years, they were engaged, and he asks my opinion. This is a good tale of what not to do in a relationship.
Obviously, what happens is a woman is going to find you attractive because you act masculine in the beginning. I see this a lot in phone sessions that I do with guys that have been in long-term relationships. It happens over many months and years. It’s like they slowly, are constantly, methodically abdicating more and more of their leadership role to the person that they’re in relationship with. And so, the roles totally become reversed. Where it starts out the guy is a strong, masculine dude, has got a great, well rounded life, and then when he gets married or he moves in with his girlfriend, throw some kids in the mix, several years together, then he ends up with the attitude after several years, to just go along to get along, don’t want to rock the boat, don’t piss off the wife or the girlfriend, don’t want to lose access to the box. And eventually, that’s exactly what happens.
First of all, thank you for all the videos you’ve posted on YouTube. I think they really help me improve a bit. However, last night I had the worst thing that ever happened to me. I am 31 and she is 33 years old. We started to date about 2 years ago, and the first year was the best relationship I ever had. Everything went so good and so natural, and we even moved in together at her place after 3 months.
Well, that’s pretty quick. But then again, I can’t call the kettle black, if you’ve read “How To Be A 3% Man.” Especially if you’re going to date women internationally, you basically end up living together, whether it’s a hotel or you’re staying at her place or she comes to visit you. It just kind of happens that way. But what I always liked about that is that you get a lot of experience with that person very quickly, and it helps you make a decision whether you want to stay in it or get the hell out.
But obviously, under normal circumstances, if you live in the same city, I don’t recommend moving in after three months. You want to take your time. But like I said, different circumstances require different principles, if you will. And if you’re dating internationally, you go from meeting and then you’re just kind of always together and living together. When you really dig each other, it just kind of flows together like that. I think it’s beautiful, but for normal, average people that are working nine to five jobs, it’s just much better if you take your time. Like I said, dating internationally is like a whole different can of worms.
On the opposite pole, the last year of the relationship was the worst I ever had. I need to mention that she is an urgency medic, and when the coronavirus pandemic started since March 2020, she started to become more distant. And in the beginning, I didn’t ask too many questions because I thought she is acting like that because she is tired all the time from the work. But things were getting worse and worse, we started to sleep together rarely and she wanted more space. I need to mention that due to my job position, I was able to be at home a lot of the time, and I was taking care of everything, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the cats, etc.
So, you became the homemaker. You became the chick in the relationship. You became the woman, and she became the man. That’s why she resented it. And also, you’ll see he was pretty needy and insecure.
And when she got home I needed attention, and she started to get more distant because she felt a bit pushed.
I mean, you completely reversed the sexual polarity in your relationship. You went from being the man and the leader, to basically being a bitch. And women don’t like it. They don’t want to be with a pussy, they’ve already got one. And when you start acting this way and you’re getting overly emotional, “Oh, you don’t spend any time with me,” that’s not going to go over too well, dude.
As a man, you’ve got to be imperturbable. That’s assuming that you’re with a woman that is normal. Now, if you’re with a chick that’s got mental health issues or is just a lunatic and has no chill, it doesn’t really matter. And that’s why you apply what’s in the book, because it brings out the best in the best really fast, and it also brings out the worst in the worst really fast, so you can get the hell out when things start to go sideways.
But I mean, predictably, if you read something like that, you’re like, oh, yeah, it’s just a matter of time. You could set your watch to it. I mean, you getting dumped and the sexual polarity being ruined and her wanting space is as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west. You know, when you behave this way, this is why women say, “You changed. I don’t even feel like I know you anymore.”
And that’s exactly what happened here. She didn’t say that, or at least he didn’t share in his email, but those are typically the things you hear women say, especially when the breakup happens. It’s like he’s not the same guy that she fell in love with. He acted like an emotionally insecure chick, like an emotionally insecure little girl. It’s not attractive. And then whining that she’s not spending time together. You’re living together.
In October 2020, we decided to have a break.
Yeah, “we” my ass. She decided to have a break, and you went along with it.
And I returned to my hometown for a couple of months considering that this will help. Unfortunately, in December I broke my leg in the forest, and for the duration of 6 weeks, she didn’t even want to visit me or give any medical advice.
Well, you had broken up. You had moved out. Technically, you’re no longer her boyfriend. And you’re still getting overly emotional. In your mind, you see, this is where you’re seeing reality as better than it is, instead of as it is. In all things in life, you’ve got to see reality as it is, not worse than it is or better it is, but as it actually is. And in your mind, you’re still behaving like she’s your girlfriend. And in reality, she pushed you away because she didn’t want to be with you anymore, because you turned into a fucking mangina.
That got me very angry.
Obviously, you were not imperturbable.
And I decided it’s not worth it, and I was fighting for us alone for too many months.
Never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. It’s harsh, it’s hard. It sucks when you’re dating somebody or you really like somebody, and they’re just not that into you. And you’ve got to be strong enough to say, “I deserve somebody that loves being around me, that appreciates me, that celebrates me, that loves being with me. When I say let’s get together, she’s like ‘Hell, yeah, I’d love to!’ And when she’s like, ‘I need space. I’m not feeling it,’ it’s like, take all the space you want, have a nice life.”
When I returned to town after my leg got fixed in February 2021, I took a rent by myself and contacted her that I need to come when she had a bit of time to get my other stuff, like objects and clothing that were still at her home and tell her this is gonna be over.
Dude, it was already over. See, you’re you’re in a completely different world than she is. You moved out, she needed space, and you broke up. So I’m going to tell you, the only reason you were saying “Hey, this is over” is because your hoping you telling her that is going to make her want you back, which actually seemed to work out until you found out she had a boyfriend.
When I did this, she saw me different, like a more solid person and that I am not the one that does whatever she says, and she mentioned that it’s okay if we break up, but she says she is not interested in anybody else, and if I get better myself as a man she will reconnect with me.
In other words, “If you start acting like the man that I fell in love with,” (which, they were engaged, which he doesn’t mention until later on the email), “then I might start seeing you again.” But obviously, she didn’t like who he became, because he’s not acting like himself. He’s not acting like the man that he was. He’s still like acting like a needy, insecure jackass.
Since I didn’t have time to talk at that point and I was deciding to break up and just get my stuff, we decided to meet at her place in a few days when she is not working at the hospital so we can discuss what went wrong and what didn’t. And she started to come closer to me and made me sleep with her. And at that point, all my solid opinion about getting over it was shattered.
You got hypnotized by the punani.
We met a few more times, we went outside in parks, and later she asked me if I want to come to her place, so we had sex again and again.
Hang out, have fun and hook up.
The problem is that this brought me hope more and more, and I started to give her more space, since she still wanted that.
So, this tells me that he’s still pursuing and chasing her, seeking her attention and validation, and continuing to act like a woman. That’s not going to create attraction. She has no fear of losing you. Your attitude should be like “She needs to earn me back,” not the other way around.
We didn’t discuss our relationship status but whenever we met, we had a great time. Until yesterday, it was about a month and a half until we didn’t meet, and we just chatted rarely over just random stuff but kept it short at the same time. We established a meeting about 4 days ago and decided to meet again at her place. But she wanted to get outside to a pub with a few common friends, since she is tired of the job she had.
The reality is she wanted to have some cock-blockers there.
Later, when we wanted to return home, her new boyfriend appeared to take her home and I was completely shattered.
Well, that was nice of her. “Oh, by the way, this is my new boyfriend.” So obviously, she’s sleeping with both of these guys. One thinks that he’s her new boyfriend, and the other one is the ex-boyfriend who’s so hoping to rekindle things, who she’s also sleeping with. So, ladies and gentlemen, what does that mean? She belongs to the streets! You can’t ever trust her. This is not somebody you want to have a relationship with. You can’t trust anything she says.
If she’s willing to cheat on her supposed new boyfriend with the supposed ex-boyfriend, there’s no coming back from that. She doesn’t care. It means nothing. Loyalty means nothing to her, and that’s why you have to see reality as it is. You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife. It doesn’t work. She belongs the streets. She’s a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate, that’s it.
And in that particular case, you never call or text her for any reason. If she reaches out, assume she wants to see you, hang out, have fun and hook up. But if you want a girlfriend or a wife, she ain’t it. That’s reality. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
Oh, by the way, the new book “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations” is out. It’s available on Amazon, and the audiobook is now available as well. So, we’ve got all versions out. I hope you guys enjoy it and write lots of great reviews.
I had my backpack and my jacket at her place, because it was too hot and I couldn’t even return to take them. I told her it’s not okay what she is doing to me, giving me hope and shattering it like that, and she says she knows it’s her fault but still can’t take me to her home to get my stuff since her new boyfriend is driving her.
Yeah, she doesn’t care, doesn’t feel any remorse. That is really who she is. She’s selfish and narcissistic and she doesn’t give a fuck. She doesn’t care if she hurts you. She cares about herself. So, this is how you get treated. If she’s happy, she’ll probably be loyal. But if she’s not happy, she’ll go fuck somebody else. And if you’re okay with that, whatever. Go ahead and get into a relationship with somebody like that, but you’ll be calling me crying about it down the road when you find out she’s fucked half the guys you know.
She told me about this guy about 3 months ago, that he is 24 years old and that even though he’s young, he does a great job at her hospital. And I didn’t even want to listen about that, because I felt a bit jealous.
“Oh, but you don’t have to worry about him, he’s only twenty-four.” Yeah, when a chick says you don’t have to worry about him, if she’s talking about it, in her mind, technically she told you about this other guy. So, if it turns out later that she’s sleeping with him, and then you find out and you get upset, she’s like, “Hey, I told you about him.” Even though she didn’t tell you the whole story.
It’s just like the way the media lies, they lie through omission. And that’s what she did here. She lied through omission. She just didn’t tell you all the details. But in her mind, she was like, “I was honest. I told him about the other guy. He should have been smart enough to figure out what I meant.”
Tomorrow, we decided that I will go at her place to get my jacket and backpack and wanted to discuss another time everything that went wrong on the way. And I agreed to that, but now I am just considering getting my stuff but never talking, because she does not deserve that after what she has done to me.
I agree with that. Get your stuff back and move on, because it doesn’t matter what comes out of her mouth. Half of it’s going to be bullshit anyways.
I am just planning to wish her a good life and leave.
Sounds like a good plan.
The problem is that I miss her, especially in a sexual way, because we had a strong connection at one point, and now it’s just over. And I don’t want to act desperate.
Dude, you’ve been acting desperate the whole time. This has been going on for a couple of years, bro. It’s like, you’re deluding yourself. You’re ignoring reality completely. You’re living in your own little fake world, and you’re ignoring that you are you’re trying to turn a hoe into a housewife. You can’t fix that. You can’t make good wine from bad grapes. That’s just reality.
But maybe I shouldn’t jump directly into finding another woman, though I consider this will be the only way to calm my spirit.
Hey, get back on the horse. Get out there. I mean, everybody’s been locked up for the past year, especially in Europe — which, I think that’s where this guy is from just by what he’s saying and the way he’s talking.
I forgot to mention that after the first year of the relationship, we even got engaged. I don’t even know what to do, how to calm down, because there is probably no other chance there with her.
After you get your stuff, never call her or text her for any reason. If she ever reaches out and you feel like giving her the flesh rocket, invite her over. Hang out, have fun and hook up. But don’t ever be delusional enough to think that you’ll have a good relationship with somebody like this. That’s pretty devious and deceptive to do what she did. Now, granted, in her mind she’s like, “Well I did tell him about the other guy.” She just left out the part that, “Yeah, I’m kind of sleeping with him.”
I should probably just focus on my work as a radiologist assistant and do what I used to do before I’ve met her, like singing and playing video games. It kind of sucks, because I can’t even go out to meet new women since the corona virus situation sucks and not many people hang outside. I don’t even know from where to start. Please help!
Get back into your hobbies. Go reconnect with the friends that you probably blew off because you were so focused on her. Get back to being the guy you were before you met her. And obviously read “How To Be A 3% Man,” read “Mastering Yourself.” Focus more on your purpose and your mission in life. You can get both of these books for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter, and you can read the digital version.
And obviously “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations,” my third book, a book of quotes. It’s like 700 pages, and there’s like 250 quotes in there. Plus, what I basically do is just like what I do in the YouTube videos. I read a quote, I kind of explain what the quote’s about or introduce it in the segment. For the audiobook version, I read the quote and then whatever comes to mind or examples or whatever, that’s what I put down in there. Everything is available now on Amazon. It should be, in the next coming days, available on iTunes as well for the audiobook.
And so, if you have a problem or a challenge you’d like to get my help with, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“When men become the women in their relationships by becoming overly emotional, unsure of themselves and start displaying more feminine behavior and less and less masculine behavior, this ruins the sexual polarity and eventually the relationship. Women submit to men only when they prove their leadership ability through congruency of their thoughts, words and actions. If men start abdicating their leadership role by becoming more feminine, emotional and unsure of themselves and waiting on the women to lead them and make all of the decisions, this forces the women to move into their masculine to make up for their lack of leadership. This results in resentment and a loss of respect, affection and intimacy by the women. Men who change into something they are not in order to please their women will eventually get dumped, blown off or ghosted.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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