Men Who Don’t Understand Women Can’t Sustain Attraction

Why men who don’t understand women and feminine energy being chaos can’t sustain romantic attraction.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer whose previous email I answered in my video newsletter titled, “Feminine Energy Is Chaos” and he provides an update. He has gotten better and she became really attracted to him when he implemented what I suggested. However, he got all dopey and started over pursuing when she got really attracted to and turned on by him. Then she started losing respect and attraction again and became cold and backed away.

She is still married to her husband she kicked out four years ago and hasn’t started a divorce yet. He is abusive and causes a scene when they are together sometimes. It’s a less than ideal situation that will never change and she will never divorce her husband as long as he keeps acting like a beta male and turning her off. Her husband even though he is abusive, acts more masculine than he does. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, this particular email is an update from an email I did several months ago called, “Feminine Energy is Chaos.” This particular guy was just not leading in his relationship. Plus, he’s got some things going on that kind of make it a messy situation. He’s got kids from another relationship. She’s got kids from her husband who she kicked out about four years ago, but she’s not filed divorce yet and is not doing anything to move the divorce forward. So there’s that.

What’s interesting is that you see a lot of red pill dudes spend a lot of time bitching and complaining about single moms. So you have a woman who’s a single mom, and she’s got kind of a toxic relationship with her ex-husband to be. He’s abusive and he’s a jerk to her, but she respects this guy.

The emailer, his problem is, is that he’s vacillating back and forth between over pursuing and acting dopey. Then he’s starting to back off. He implemented a lot of things that I discussed in the “Feminine Energy is Chaos” video that I did for him. What happened was when he started really implementing it, she got really attracted and really into him and was all over him, and he didn’t know how to handle it because it’s obvious he really likes this girl. He’s pedestalized her. When she became super attracted like that, he couldn’t handle it. He became dopey and he went right back to over pursuing and she lost attraction. She lost respect. She started backing away and became cold and distant once again.

This is the hard thing that for a typical guy like this, irregardless of the situation that he’s in, which is messy, I’ve done many videos over the years in this topic, you really should not be getting involved with a woman like this until her divorce is finalized. Maybe you casually date her, but you’re not going to be boyfriend and girlfriend when she’s still married, and especially in this case, she hasn’t done anything to even start her divorce proceedings. The red pill guys would say, “Oh well, the kids are always more important to him. That’s why this guy is always a second class citizen.”

The reality is, it’s an issue of attraction, because if this guy followed what was in the book and was consistent instead of as soon as she became super attracted, he turns into a dopey boy and starts over pursuing. Then what would happen is she would fall head over heels in love with him, and then she would move her divorce along, she’ll go ahead and file for divorce, because then she’s going to want to be with this guy all the time. He could just say, “Hey no, we’re not moving in together until your divorce is actually finalized.”

The problem is, he’s constantly vacillating back and forth between being masculine and feminine, he’s not able to keep her attracted consistently. He advances, he learns, he gets a little better, and then he’s like, “Wow.” He can’t deal with the attraction, the interest and the attention that he gets from her. He gets all dopey. Then it goes right back to kind of the way it was.

So this has nothing to do with her being a single mom. It has everything to do with her level of attraction for him, because attraction cuts through everything. If a girl is head over heels in love with you, she’ll leave her family, she’ll leave her country, she’ll leave her children, she’ll leave her job. She’ll leave everything behind to go her religion. She’ll leave everything behind to go be with a man that she’s in love with. If this guy doesn’t turn things around, it’s just going to stay in limbo like this indefinitely, and that’s not where you want to be, because it’s an issue of attraction.

Women don’t care about what a great guy you are. They only care about how they feel about you. The problem is, is that she never gets to a point where she feels like she’s head over heels in love, and that this could be the guy for her. As soon as she starts feeling that way, this dude can’t deal with it, and then he just completely loses his shit and goes back to over pursuing her. So this is a struggle. Whether you’re dating a single mom or you’re just dating a regular girl, it’s not going to work out or end well for you.

This is a good email because he really goes into detail about the nuances of what’s going on in this relationship. You can also see why it’s not really going anywhere, because he’s not acting masculine enough consistently. So he’s kind of, in some ways, like her Frankenstein, part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project. She’s got the husband who is a co-parent to their to her kids with him, but at times he’s even though he’s a jerk to her, she respects him because at least he acts more masculine than she does. Which unfortunately, for the emailer, part of his problem is that sometimes he makes her more masculine and he acts more girly.

Viewer’s Email:

Dear Coach,
 
Thank you so much for making a newsletter about my situation titled “Feminine Energy Is Chaos.”

Since your newsletter a couple of months ago, things with my girlfriend have been generally better since applying what I am reading in the book, How To Be A 3% Man. I am currently half way through my third read. I am still learning while applying while I am learning.

Well, that’s the right way to do it because you’re in the middle of a relationship.

I did not mention in my original email…

Yeah, I didn’t know all this stuff about the husband or any of that. He never mentioned any of those things.

…That she has a husband she is separated with who she married when she was very young and endured a miserable marriage with him for the most part. She also has two children with him. It does not help that he lives around the corner from her and has been since she kicked him out four years ago after she found out he had not paid rent for six months and has a gambling addiction. I asked her why she has not gone through the divorce proceedings yet and her response was that she does not know and said it is well overdue.

Well, when somebody says, “I don’t know,” it means they know, but they don’t really want to say. If she was to reveal the truth, it’s quite frankly she doesn’t feel safe and comfortable enough with this new guy. The emailer, her current boyfriend, to where she would leave the husband because probably in the back of her mind somewhere, she’s thinking maybe the husband will get his shit together and they could work things out because this guy has not shown himself to be a suitable candidate. That’s just the harsh reality.

She assures me that she does not have any emotional attachments to him and has zero feelings for him.

Doesn’t matter what she says. The only thing that matters is what she does.

It does not help that she allows him into her apartment to spend time with their kids. When I have pulled her up over this, she responds that she is not strong enough to just keep him at the door while he collects and drops the kids off as he can get very aggressive.

I mean, at the end of the day, she’s enabling the behavior. She has not divorced him. Nothing’s really going on. It’s just just a lot of friction there.

The bottom line is whether this guy or any previous guy she’s dated has not been masculine enough, consistently enough to make her feel safe and comfortable enough to where she would feel comfortable ending the marriage, at least being married, she still has somebody that can help her with the kids because quite frankly, they’re his.

Although he treated her badly for many years, she tells me that she still wants to have a civilized relationship with him for the kids’ sake and also told me at one point that she respects him.

Because he acts masculine, even though he didn’t pay the rent for six months, and all kinds of other things. He’s verbally abusive, but at least he acts like a man consistently. Or I should say he acts more masculine than she does, which unfortunately for the emailer, is a constant problem.

About a month ago when I was talking to her on the phone, she appeared cold and uninterested. I called her out on this behavior and she told me that when she feels things are getting serious between us…

In other words, he gets a little dopey and puts her on a pedestal. She becomes unsure of herself. That’s what she really means.

…She unconsciously feel’s that this is not right and is scared to become closer to me as she feels she will lose her independence.

Remember the quote, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” So that tells me that he’s smothering her, that he’s controlling, that he’s trying to force himself into her life, and he doesn’t feel like he has the power. Instead of letting her come to him, he’s still over pursuing.

When I’m doing a phone session or I’m reading an email like this and the guy’s telling me he’s doing one thing, and then when he tells me what the girl is doing and saying, I can cut through all the bullshit and know that the guy is lying to himself and obviously me. In this case, he’s lying to himself. Which obviously, he admits later on that he over-pursued. Which has been his constant problem. He’s having a real hard time with self control because he’s in the middle of the relationship.

I can’t say for sure, but I believe that he came to me and started studying my work after he was already involved with this woman, and so now he’s trying to take corrective action while he’s in the middle of this relationship, which is a lot harder to do versus somebody you just met.

She also told me that she is not use to a guy treating her well, taking her out and making her feel special. Her husband never did these things with her and that is all she knew for many years being married to him.

Obviously a true statement. At the end of the day, you making her feel special, it really doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is how she feels about you. The explanation she gives you sounds logical and it kind of makes sense, but really, this whole core issue is an issue of attraction and him acting like a masculine leader consistently, instead of letting her seek his attention and validation all the time like a woman is supposed to. He’s constantly worried about the husband and what she’s doing and where she’s at, and when she becomes less attracted, he thinks calling her out on it is going to change her behavior, instead of recognizing she’s less attractive because he’s acting like a bitch because he’s pursuing her too much.

I mean, he’s smothering her to the point where she backs off and she tries to explain to him what’s going on with her feelings, but in reality, him calling her out on her reduced feelings is really him complaining about her, her not being that into him, which is even more unattractive and is going to cause her attraction to drop even more.

What he should be recognizing is she’s lost interest. If she becomes cold, she becomes distant. He needs to back off. If she’s cold and disinterested in talking to him, then he needs to match and mirror that behavior. That’s what he’s not doing, because he’s so needy and afraid of losing her. Again, he’s worried about the husband. This is why the whole relationship is just kind of in limbo. It’s not really advancing anywhere.

She also told me that she never felt loved by her mother and her father was a workaholic. Most of the time she was left to look after her young siblings while she was growing up. I listened to her and emphasized with her. I then asked her if she actually wants to carry on having a relationship with me…

You shouldn’t be asking these kinds of things. That doesn’t sound very confident. Men are not going to ask things like that. They know what they’re doing. A beta male is going to ask, “Mommy, please pay attention to me. Please love me. You love me still? You’re not going to leave me, are you?”

…And she responded that she does not know what she wants and suggested we just be friends for now.

Yeah, she’s saying let’s be friends for now. That tells me her attraction is like maybe a five.

I rejected this and told her I am not interested in just being friends and want a romantic relationship with her. I told her then that if she changes her mind and wants to see me romantically to get in contact, but not for any other reason.

Dude, you got to let this woman do all the calling, texting, and pursuing. I’m sure I told you that last time, but you’re just not listening. You’re unable to discipline yourself, and you’re unable to exercise emotional self control, at least as a time of you writing this email.

Not even 48 hours later I got a text from her telling me she misses me and has been thinking about me (The cat wants to come home). I then asked her when she was free to get together, she gave me a date and we went over to her place instead of mine to make dinner for both of our children and for a sleepover.

I was getting building work done in my house. I will add that while me and the kids were at hers that evening, her husband turned up to collect their kids as they were staying with him for the weekend. When he saw my car parked outside, he called her a whore and then started sending abusive messages to her during the night.

Boy, that sounds like so much fun.

I asked why she puts up with it, and she responds because they have kids together.

Well, the real reason is because he’s not acted like a man consistently to where she falls head over heels in love and only wants to be with him. He just kind of keeps her at the point where she’s on the verge of breaking up with him, and then when he backs off, then she comes forward. He can’t handle it. He pursues, then she backs off, then he backs off. She starts pursuing him a little bit more. He gets dopey. He chases her right back out of his life. This is what’s going on. It’s like a yo-yo and that’s why it’s really not progressing.

Since then I have been applying the philosophy in your book, by allowing her to come to me 90% of the time and then set dates.

Well, it should be like, 95% of the time.

However, she started coming on a lot stronger wanting to see me…

Duhh.

…Have sex more and I guess I slipped up, went all goofy like a puppy dog and started pursuing too much.

That’s on you, bro. Doc Love used to say, “A beautiful woman is like Kryptonite to the average guy. She has the power to make him fall apart.” It’s like he sees all his interests and he’s like, “Oh, I love you,” and he starts acting like a little girl again, starts pursuing her, starts violating the principles in the book, and he just backslides and falls right down the mountain of attraction again.

The last few days I noticed that she started to tail off and did not appear that excited to see me, I realized that this is because I am pursuing too much.

Duhh.

Yesterday morning she suggested we all go with the kids to a Christmas festival in another town. I agreed and while we were there, she was acting like she did not want me there with her. She barely spoke to me. I asked she what was wrong and she said nothing was wrong, but appeared to be getting more and more annoyed as the day went on for no apparent reason and then seemed like she could not wait to get away from me when I dropped her home.

That’s what happens when you smother her, dude. You got to let women come to you. It’s right out of the book and you’re not listening. You’re not going to chase and force this girl to like you and choose you over her husband.

You have to let women come to you at their pace. It has to be their idea. You should never do more than 5% of the pursuing, especially where you’re at right now. It’s just absurd. If you won’t exercise self control, then this is what you’re going to get.

She told me she would call me before she goes to bed, but instead I got a text later that night saying, “I am going to bed now, good night.”

That’s pretty common for a woman. “Oh, I’m going to call you later,” and then they don’t. They do it all the time. Typically because the guy gets upset or he comes unglued, or quite frankly, she just doesn’t want to talk to him because he’s always in her face.

Dude, you need to get some hobbies and some interests. Hang out with your friends, get back in the gym, go see your parents, make some new friends, do some stuff with your kids. Stop obsessing over this girl. It’s not attractive.

I responded, “Good night.” I have not contacted her since then and made sure I would not bump into her while doing the school run this morning.

I have a couple of questions on the back of this behavior:

1) I do not plan on contacting her and will wait for her to reach out to me first, but when she does contact me, should I call her out on this behavior or pretend it did not happen and just set the next date?

What, bitch about her having low attraction because you act like a bitch? No, of course not, dude!

You got to recognize that her lack of attraction is all in result to how you’re showing up. You admitted you act dopey. You admitted that you over-pursued. What is bitching about her being less attracted to you because of your behavior going to do to fix her behavior? All it’s going to do is make her lose even more respect and attraction for you.

I mean, she just tried to friend-zone you and you want to bitch about her not being that into you? Or pretend it did not happen and just set the next date? Just set the next date, dude. Bitching about her having low interest is not going to fix that. Acting attractive and following what’s in the book will fix that.

2) Is it likely this behavior is influenced by her husband who she is separated from?

Look, he’s trying to say it’s all the husband’s fault. It has an influence. At the end of the day, you’re not consistently showing her that you’re her best option. You’re acting like a bitch. You’re putting her on a pedestal, and you’re chasing after her like a little girl. That’s why she keeps you at arm’s length. Still, the door is kind of open for the husband to potentially get his act together, because it’s all about how he makes her feel. At least he’s a man. At least he acts masculine consistently.

3) I do have feelings for this woman…

Yeah. No shit, Sherlock.

…But at the same time, I don’t want to waste my valuable time with her, if ultimately this relationship is not going to go anywhere.

It’s not going to go anywhere if you keep acting this way and over-pursuing her.

Should I just wash my hands off her, blow her off and just move on with my life?

I look forward to watching your newsletters every day and really appreciate the work that you do.

Bob

Quite frankly, you should just date her and maybe date some other women to give you some other choices, some other options. I don’t know how long you’ve been dating her, but you could say, “Hey, we’ve been dating for two years. You haven’t filed for divorce. You just tried to friend-zone me a few weeks ago. I just want to date other people. I like you and everything, but unless you’re going to end your marriage, I don’t like having my kids over at your house and then your husband showing up, calling you a whore in front of my children. That’s not good for my kids. I don’t want to be involved with this kind of nonsense,” and back away and start dating other women because she’s not getting her life together.

She’ll have to work to get your attention. She’ll have to work to get your commitment. She’ll have to work to get you to spend most, if not all, of your free time with her and her kids. It’s not going to happen if you keep putting her on a pedestal, chasing her and acting like the chick in the relationship. It’s just not going to work. If you don’t fix it with her, the next girl that you attract and you really like, you’re going to have exactly the same problems. The same problems of low attraction.

You cannot pursue a woman into loving you and liking you. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Look what happened when you backed off just a little bit. Within two days, it completely changed her attitude from, “Hey, let’s be friends,” to, “Hey, I miss you. I want to see you.” It’s pretty simple, dude. If you follow what’s in the book, it works. When you do the opposite, well, it doesn’t work. Something to think about.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.