Mind Games: My Girlfriend Is Jerking Me Around!

What it means when your girl plays mind games, won’t communicate or stonewalls you.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who claims to have read my book and watched a lot of videos, but he is acting needy, neurotic, desperate and clingy. His girlfriend of 6 months has been rubbing another guy from work in his face. He called her out on it, but she has stonewalled and ghosted him ever since. He is doing the opposite of what I teach but still doesn’t recognize it.

She invites attention from other men because of low interest and a total lack of respect. She gets under his skin, and when he gets upset, she simply ignores him or tells him she is unable to talk. It’s clear that she knows she has all the power in the relationship. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

What happens to most guys that get in these situations, their interest is so high in the girl, they just make excuses for all of this disloyal type of behavior, and they put up with it because the thirst is real. And it’s obvious on her end there is no fear of losing him. It’s like, he has completely abdicated any kind of power or dominance in the relationship. He, in essence, put his balls in a box and handed them to her. This is definitely what you don’t want to do.

Viewer’s Email:

Hello,

I hope you are well. I have read your book and watched a lot of your videos, but I’m having an issue. I argued with a girl I have been seeing for 6 months. We have argued a few times, because my intuition is telling me she can’t be trusted.

You should always pay attention to your Spidey sense. And so, when you see these kinds of behaviors, you’ve got to set and enforce healthy boundaries, no matter who you’re dating. I mean, at the end of the day, the guys in the Red Pill community are going to complain and bitch about “hypergamy doesn’t care” and all this stuff, but none of that really matters. What really matters is, does this woman have any integrity? Does she behave like a woman who’s going to be loyal to you in a long term relationship, or not?

Or does she act like a single girl, even though she supposedly is in a committed relationship, and yet she gives out her phone number, she gives other guys she works with or meets the impression that she’s potentially single or could be single, and therefore she gives him the green light to pursue her and give her lots of attention and validation? These are not the characteristics of a woman who’s going to be loyal and faithful in a long term relationship. These are the characteristics of a woman who’s a good friends with benefits, a sex playmate, you hook up with her a few times, but you don’t ever give a woman that behaves like this consideration to be a girlfriend.

And if you’re in the mindset like I teach in “3% Man,” the woman should be winning you over to why you should agree to be loyal and exclusive with her, instead of trying to lock her down to a commitment, which is what you see in all the movies and TV shows today. But when you go back to things made in the 1940s, 1950s, even early 1960s, it’s always the women trying to find and lock down the most eligible bachelor in town, which they’re naturally driven to do that.

But the most important thing is, is she trustworthy? Is she honest? Is she going to be loyal and faithful when you’re not around? Is she going to be building you up behind your back? When a guy hits on her, is she going to say, “No, sorry, I have a boyfriend”? Or is she just going to give out her phone number and act like she’s single and then give you a hard time when you call her out on the fact that all these random dudes are hitting on her because they seem to have the impression that she’s single? And on top of that, they’re continually talking and chatting, and that means that she’s inviting the attention.

And if she’s inviting attention from other men, that shows she doesn’t respect you, she doesn’t respect the relationship, and she’s not behaving loyal, and therefore she doesn’t fear losing you. And if she doesn’t fear losing you, it just means she doesn’t really care that much. And a woman only cares about how she feels about you, not what a good dude you are.

She mentioned a guy from work, (I met her at work also), a few times, and the other day while I was on a video call with her, she proceeded to say, “Oh, he is messaging me on teams.” I said, “Oh, is he? What is he saying then?”

Now, keep in mind, he’s been in a relationship with this girl for six months, or seeing her for six months, and it’s clear he thinks he’s in a relationship with her, and vice versa. But to get a text like this and she’s blushing about it, this is not some random type of text. This is obviously the kind of text that a woman is going to receive when she’s dangling the carrot in front of a guy and letting him think that he’s making progress with winning or over or potentially getting in her pants.

She then told me with a blushing face and smile that he said, “Good morning lovely my queen. How are you?”

That’s totally inappropriate. A woman who is in a relationship and values loyalty, monogamy, and exclusivity is going to be going, “That’s not appropriate. I have a boyfriend, You know I have a boyfriend. You shouldn’t be sending me things like that.” That’s the kind of thing that gets a dude written up at HR and potentially fired with, if he’s sending that to a woman who’s loyal or married. I mean, it’s totally inappropriate.

But at this point it’s clear, because these things have happened before with this particular guy, that she’s egging this dude on, that she likes the attention and validation and, quite frankly, she likes to troll her boyfriend with it, because she seems to get off on upsetting him. These are not the actions of a woman who is capable of loyalty. These are the actions of a woman who still acts and thinks like she’s single. She doesn’t fear losing you. She doesn’t respect you.

Now, I wouldn’t care much, but he has asks her to visit the office he is in over 2 days because it’s a long drive, when she would have no reason to go for work. She also went out with another work bloke, driving around different businesses for “work,” although her job and her office would never require her to do so. 

So, it’s clear this is a pattern, if you just look at the fact that it’s multiple dudes that she’s doing this with and giving attention to. Granted, if you work in an office, it’s kind of nice to get out and go do other things. But if it’s not in your scope of work and you normally don’t do these things, then it’s clear she’s inviting this attention and she likes it.

And if you’re thinking about being in a relationship with a woman who solicits attention from other men when she supposedly has a boyfriend, that’s somebody who’s just simply not going to be loyal, ever. You can’t just ignore these things when they happen. If it happens once, you can call her out on it and have the conversation with her. But if it continues happening, then that’s who she is. She’s not going to change for you.

Anyway, I pulled her up on it. Since then, she has ghosted me, not replied. I did overpursue when messaging, trying to resolve the issue.

Well, you can’t do that. You’re doing the opposite of what the book teaches. And if you’re already dealing with a woman who doesn’t respect you, when you act needy and neurotic, and you barrage her with multiple messages, and basically beg her to pay attention to you, and then she stonewalls you – which is basically passive aggressive behavior, not replying on purpose – it’s probably because she gets off on getting you upset. Probably because she’s got daddy issues. She’s pissed off at her dad, because her dad never treated her the way she wanted or was never in her life. And so, she’s just mad at men in general and she enjoys jerking them around and getting them upset, because at least they’re paying attention to her when Daddy didn’t.

Anyway, she has not replied, except I texted her 2 times over 2 mornings when I woke up to ask, “Are you willing to talk?”

I mean, just saying something like that tells me that you are desperately seeking her attention and validation and you don’t have any power in this relationship. She’s got all of it. And you’ve trained her to be that way. But I mean, the fact that she’s behaving this way, that disqualifies her from being somebody that you’re going to be in a relationship with. This is a friends with benefits, sex playmate, hookup girl, party girl. That’s it. This is not somebody you try to wife up or say, “Hey, this is my girlfriend,” because she ain’t loyal to nobody.

She then replies to say she can’t talk, as she is busy all day, and then blanks me for the rest of the day. 

Yeah, she’s doing it on purpose. This is not loving. And when you finally do talk to you her, you say, “Number one, if we’re in a relationship, you don’t ignore me and tell me that you can’t talk and then blow me off for a day. That shows that you’re unwilling to communicate and resolve any differences. And if you’re unwilling to communicate and resolve any differences, we’re not going to be in a relationship together. It’s just as simple as that.”

“We can’t resolve anything, unless you can talk openly and honestly about it. And when you ignore me on purpose, it’s not loving, it’s not kind. It’s mentally abusive, it’s emotionally abusive, and you just don’t do those kinds of things to somebody that you’re in a relationship with, unless you just simply don’t want to be in a relationship. And I can help you with that.”

Today, after a week of this, I called her this morning.

So he’s still chasing after. Dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net, and if she doesn’t hit it back, you just let her be. But if you keep barraging her and messaging her and she keeps ignoring you, all it does is validate her ignoring you. It communicates that she’s got all the power and she’s going to do it to you more. There’s no fear on her part that she’s going to potentially lose you.

She knows she’s got you totally wrapped around her finger. And it sounds like she’s probably got this other dude, and maybe several others, wrapped around her finger and it makes her feel powerful. It makes her feel in control, because she probably didn’t feel in control at all with her father growing up.

She answered and told me she was ok, and when I asked if we could work it out, she said she can’t talk at the moment and then has blanked me all day today.

Yeah, she’s totally doing it on purpose. These are not the actions of a woman who loves you, respects you, values you, appreciates your time, or even cares that you’re her “boyfriend.” She’s behaving like she’s single.

Why does she reply once and then blank me?

Because she’s stonewalling you, and she’s doing it on purpose. And the fact you enable her behavior by continuing to act needy and neurotic, and overpursue, and beg her for attention and validation. If you loved and valued yourself, you would say, “Hey, this is not appropriate behavior. This guy is sending you this kind of a message tells me that you’ve been egging him on all this time. And if you’re supposed to be my girlfriend, it’s obvious that you haven’t told him to pump the brakes. You’re inviting this behavior on some level.”

“And if you want to be my girlfriend or you want to stay my girlfriend, you’re going to tell this guy to knock it off. And if you don’t want to knock it off, that’s fine, but I’m not going to be your boyfriend anymore, and we’re not going to have a relationship. So, you either fix this with him, or you can go on down the road, because I’m done with it. You’re not going to treat me this way.”

And if you had done things right and she asked you to be your boyfriend, well, these are not the actions of a woman who values what you have. “And since you don’t value what we have, then why should I value it? Why should I stay committed to you when you’re clearly acting like you’re single? That’s not loving. I don’t want this. This is not what we signed up for. Why should I be exclusive to a woman who basically acts like she’s still single and makes this guy think he’s making progress?”

Why did she answer my call and then blank me? Is it mind games?

It’s just passive aggressive behavior. It’s dysfunctional. And plus, you’re soft. You let her. You’ve enabled her behavior. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. Continuing to call her when she blows you off, and then not waiting for her to call you back, and then you call again or you text her again, this is the kind of thing that causes all women to lose respect for you.

If you acted like a true equal, you would leave her a message and then you’d wait to hear from her. And if she didn’t, if she made you wait 24 hours, and you go a couple of days, then you can match and mirror that behavior. But it’s clear, if I look at her actions and bottom line her actions, she doesn’t act like somebody that’s committed to you. She acts like somebody that’s kind of keeping you around, and she’s deciding whether or not to monkey branch from you to him or however many other guys, maybe one of the other guys that she’s talking to and doing this with.

These are not indicators of a woman who is capable of loyalty and monogamy and exclusivity. This is a chick, when she’s not happy, she’ll just cheat on you and go sleep with somebody else or give out her number. This is not something that’s fixable if you’ve had these conversation before and she continues to do it. Like Maya Angelou said, “when somebody tells you or shows you who they are believe them the first time.”

I feel like she is playing giving me hope. I feel like she is just keeping me there. 

Yeah, that’s pretty accurate statement.

I am meant to be seeing her tomorrow, but she does not tell me if she is still coming.

Well, you shouldn’t. If she doesn’t show up, then there’s no reason to call her or text her for any reason. I would proceed as if you’re single and started dating and talking to other women and just move on with your life. Because it’s clear this woman does not act like your girlfriend. She just acts like a girl that you were occasionally hooking up with.

I’m in limbo. If I don’t hear from her tonight, then I can no longer message her.

Well, dating is like tennis. You shouldn’t be sending her multiple messages when she just basically ignores you. And then, when you do hear from her, she says, “Oh, I don’t have time to talk.” It’s not that she doesn’t have time to talk. She’s just simply unwilling to make time for you, because you’re not a priority to her. Because it’s obvious she’s exploring things with somebody else, or several other guys, trying to line up a replacement.

I mean, she’s spending time with these guys, so who knows? She may be sleeping with them, or one of them, or all of them. You just simply don’t know. She doesn’t behave like a trustworthy woman, she doesn’t behave like she values what you have, and she doesn’t act like she’s capable of loyalty. And she definitely doesn’t act like she’s loyal to you.

It hurts like hell, but I feel like she is being cruel and punishing me, when actually my point was valid in the first place.

Well, your point was valid, but you just haven’t recognized that your “girlfriend” belongs to the streets. 

Why is she doing this?

Because she doesn’t give a shit about you. It’s as simple that. You’re not a priority to her.

Why no communication apart from the above?

Because it’s passive aggressive, it’s unloving, it’s emotionally and mentally abusive. And it’s because she’s messed up. This is totally dysfunctional behavior. You’ve obviously had these conversations with her in the past about this guy, and maybe others, and she’s not stopping the behavior. She doesn’t stop the behavior because she doesn’t love you, she doesn’t respect you, and she doesn’t give a shit about you, plain and simple. I know it’s harsh, but if we bottom line her actions, this is a girl who’s lining up a replacement, if she hasn’t lined him up already.

Why does she not just end it with me, instead of keeping me in limbo?

Thanks,

Bob

Because she’s not sure that she has a definite replacement lined up yet. That’s why you don’t try to keep somebody in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs. So stop calling, stop texting. Let her do 100% of the pursuing. And if she stands you up when you’re supposed to get together in the next day or so, then you’re single. Then you can go out and date and give out your number. And you don’t need to call her or text her again for any reason. And if she does get in touch with you, you make her drive to see you. Also, if you’ve got any stuff or she has any stuff of yours at her place, make her bring it with her when she comes to see you, if she comes to see you at all.

It’s like, you’re not doing anything remotely close to what the book teaches. You’re cherry picking things here in the videos. You may have thumbed through the book, but the bottom line is you don’t act like somebody that’s a serious student. You act like a guy that just found out about my work and has absolutely no clue what he’s doing. And so, you better wise up really quickly, dude. And you need to change your approach.

You need to read the book 10 to 15 times, actually learn what’s in there and apply it, so when you encounter women like this, you bounce them right out of your life really quickly, within a matter of weeks or a few dates. Or at the first sign that you see this kind of behavior, you give her one chance to correct it, and if she keeps doing it, that’s it. Friends with benefits, sex playmate, that’s it. You never call. You never reach out. You just arrange a time to get together and hook up when she reaches out to you. That’s how you treat a friend with benefits. You don’t treat a friend with benefits by giving her exclusivity or becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, because they want you to remain locked up while they continue exploring their options with other dudes. It’s just a bad way to go.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.