What you should focus on so you can achieve your goals and reach your full potential if you are currently dealing with a breakup, the end of a relationship, moving to another city, having kids with a woman you don’t want to be with, changing jobs when you’re not happy and generally dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions and feelings when you feel torn between doing what you think is right and doing what is best for you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss a follow-up email from a viewer who I did a previous video coaching newsletter titled, “Relationships Built Upon Lies.” In this update to his previous situation, he’s still struggling with a lot of conflicting emotions and feelings regarding what he should do to move on from a woman who is only his fuck buddy, who also happened to be sleeping with other men, who is now pregnant with twins and he believes they are his. Before he found out she was pregnant, he planned on moving to another city and changing jobs to pursue his passions.
He struggles to let go of this woman he does not love because he worries about her sleeping with another man when she is pregnant with his babies. He also understandably worries about becoming a deadbeat dad if he’s not around to be there for his kids. He says he has now put his goals and dreams on hold because he basically is moving at two speeds, slow and stop. He asks my opinion on several items and things that he is fearful of so he can continue moving forward and achieve his goals and dreams.
I’m the guy who was so lucky to have gotten his friend with benefits pregnant and is now very emotionally wrapped up in the potentially wrong upbringing of his potential children, twins, that he has taken himself completely out of the game as referenced in your video, “Relationships Built Upon Lies.” I’m having a very miserable day. I’ve been sitting here trying to figure this whole situation out. It’s not going so well. I can’t seem to put all the pieces together in a way that I don’t end up getting hurt. I need to check my logic again and I can’t seem to find inner peace in anything today. (You need to focus on the process, not the goal. What do you need to be doing today to get to where you want to be in the future?)
I have realized that over the last week, I’ve become so worried about whether or not everything will workout okay for me in the end, that I’ve stopped focusing on my goals. (Now you’re no longer taking daily action to get you where you want to be. Inaction breeds fear and doubt. Taking action breeds confidence and courage.) I seem to be spending a lot of time worrying about hypothetical situations lately. I’m so scared right now because I know I’m moving emotionally and not logically. I know that these kids are a powerful force that is controlling my actions, and that I no longer have self control. (You’re driven by fear. That’s not a resourceful state to be in.) Part of the reason I haven’t cut ties with this woman romantically is because I still have some lose ends to tie up before I can move. We work together, and she talks about our business with her friends at work. So I’m sitting here, hiding the way I feel, basically because I want to be able to just cut and run in a sense, once I get the window of opportunity. If she chooses to have sex with another guy after I leave her, I don’t want to be around that situation at work. (That’s a weak mindset. You want to be happy for her, and you should want a potential father figure in your children’s lives.)
I realize that everything you say is correct, and that the longer I stay where I’m at, the harder it will be to leave. I know why I’m hesitating. It’s because I’m not accepting this situation for what it really is. I’m holding out for a glimmer of hope or a chance that things will start going my way again, all the while I’m getting sucked in deeper, and deeper emotionally. I know this, but I still don’t take the action. Why? (Fear. People will do more to avoid pain than they’ll do to gain pleasure.)
I’m just going to start writing out a list of the things that I’m scared of, and maybe you can help me. I just need to send you something because this has been going on so long, and its like I really don’t have anyone that will give me good advice other than you. I think I may just talk to my dad about this. Maybe he can help, even if he can’t understand.
I’m scared that:
I’ll leave a good job, and get down there to find out I didn’t realize how good I had it where I was. (Line the job up before you move so you know it’s a better job than what you have now.)
I’ll get down there, and my friends and family members from back home won’t be very eager to support me in any of my efforts to become my best self. (So what. Maybe they’re living a mediocre life and not reaching their full potential.)
She might cut me off emotionally, be bitchy with me, not contact me, and possibly start talking to a few new guys throughout this process. (Encourage her to do that.)
She will sleep with another man while she’s pregnant with my babies, and that this man might be a pretty good partner to her.
She won’t work with me financially, and will put me up for the maximum amount of child support allowed by law.
My kids won’t ever appreciate me for the man I’ve always wanted to be for them. That they will consider their stepfather, if they ever have one, to be their dad, and that I was just someone they are just related to. (The only thing you have control over is being your best self. Take care of you.)
It’s weird, because I don’t really worry about having success with women once I get down there. I mean they are fucking everywhere, and I’ve had so much success since I started following your work about two and a half years ago, that I know its just a matter of time. I guess that’s why I wanted to move down there to start with. Maybe I need to be more focused on what I want, and when I start to have success with it, I will be happier, right? (Yes, you need to take action to get to where you want to be in the future.)
Family means a lot to me man, and I just feel like I’m fucking it up by doing what I’ve been wanting to do for almost five months now, and I’ve been working at it for two and a half years. It’s just unfortunate that I got myself into this when I was so close to moving on. Guess it’s just the universe/God putting something in my life that I need. And that without these kids, I could have never been the man I want to be. I still have a burning desire to chase my dreams, and just enjoy my life. And I don’t want you to think that it’s really right for me to stay here, because I know its not. I’m hoping that you can see where I’m at, and please try to redirect my thoughts. (Line up a new job ahead of time so the transition is seamless.)
Like I said I still have some loose ends to tie up before I can just pick up and move. I’m guessing I could have everything handled within two months if I started diligently working at it today. I’m scared that if I keep putting this off, one of two things will happen. Either she will resent me and break it off with me, or I will keep going along with it until these plans end up just being an afterthought that I learn to joke about to myself because I was too weak to pick up and move despite the risks. I know this isn’t me at my finest hour, and I’m in a very fearful state. I normally wouldn’t even send something like this, but the reality is, that this is where I am. This is, unfortunately, where I have been emotionally for the last 2-3 months. This is where I’m standing, and I know I can get back to the top, but I’m so scared to take that first step and break it off with her permanently. (How negatively will this affect your future? How will you ever meet the right person if you keep dithering and dicking around with this girl that you’re not into?) I think that’s the only way I will ever get where I want to be. If I stick around I think she will just keep getting in my way, and making me feel bad. (Deep down, you don’t believe you deserve to have what you want. Maybe that is why you are still involved with this woman. You’re living your life according to other people’s expectations and allowing fear to cause you to stay stuck in a life you don’t want.) She gets so upset when I mention a paternity test, or continuing on with my life. I’d need her consent to have one while she’s pregnant, and I don’t see that happening. (Then do it after the kids are born. Right now focus on what will make you happy. You know you will be better off for it.)
My response to him:
I’ll address your fears in order:
1) Regarding your job, the idea is to get a better quality job where you really want to live. It’s not about getting another average or mediocre job somewhere else. That would be pointless.
2) You’re not moving there for your friends or family, so their opinion is irrelevant. You’re moving there because it’s where you want to live and what would make you happy. You can’t live your life according to other people’s expectations.
3) Your baby mama starts fucking another man who actually cares about her, loves her, and is good for her. That’s an awesome outcome. That would be a good influence on your children. There’s no down side to this scenario, but only upside.
4) Attorneys are in the business of billing the maximum amount of hours that they can bill you for. You will be better off if you and her can agree to everything before getting the legal system involved.
5) Your kids deserve you to be the best version of yourself that you can be. By being your best self, you’ll be the best dad you can be, no matter how much or how little you’re involved in their lives.
6) Absolutely. You need to be more focused on what you want, and taking action to make it a reality. The problem is you’re not doing much of anything to help yourself since you seem to be stuck in the paralysis of analysis.
7) Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is a bunch of bullshit. You have created a bullshit story as to why your life has not changed for the better. You’re making excuses for being a lazy ass and no longer doing anything to move yourself forward. You’re using your kids as an excuse to become a loser. Come on man.
8) Stop being such a fucking pussy, be a man, and take the action that you know you need to take. What is the negative impact it’s going to have on your children 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 20 years from now, if you don’t put your plan into action? By not taking care of you, you’re not taking care of your children. That’s bullshit. You need to step the fuck up. Get this shit handled now. Quit dithering and dicking around.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“It does not serve you or the world by playing small because you fear what other people will think or do if you focus on reaching your full potential. The world will be a much better place, and you will add much more value to society, if you become all that you are capable of becoming. By becoming the best version of yourself, you will be happier, healthier, more peaceful and balanced, more productive, more compassionate, more generous, a better parent, a better friend, a better lover and simply have a more positive impact on society as a whole. The world deserves your best. Not everyone is able to make the hard choices and do the difficult things that are required to reach their full potential, and therefore, deliver a maximum benefit to society. However, by becoming your best self, you will become a leader, an example, a role model and a trailblazer for other people to model and emulate when they don’t believe in themselves. When you reach your full potential, not only do you liberate yourself, but your very presence will liberate and free others to do the same.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne