My Angry, Abusive, Controlling & Unhappy Girlfriend

What you should do if you have an angry, abusive, controlling & unhappy girlfriend.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has just entered therapy to help with his life and toxic relationship. His girlfriend is angry, abusive, controlling and obviously a very unhappy person. She constantly berates and talks down to him.

She threatens him with the end of the relationship and now appears to threaten to get him in trouble with a neighbor who is a police officer as part of her abuse. He wants to know if it is time to walk away or if it is salvageable. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

I got an email from a viewer who you can tell this guy is a little bit of a doormat. He’s a little too nice and he lets his girlfriend, who’s pretty toxic, pretty abusive, just walk all over him. She berates him. She’s constantly angry, upset all the time with him. She threatens him with the end of the relationship constantly, just very manipulative. He’s recently entered therapy with a therapist to help him. Obviously, the girlfriend is not very supportive of that.

There’s some other things going on here, because apparently one of their neighbors is a police officer. One night recently, she got very mad at him and threatened to basically cause a scene and open the door and start screaming things out to get the attention of their neighbor police officer to make it look like he’s doing something he shouldn’t be doing and refuses to leave the premises so she can get him in trouble.

This particular girl is pretty volatile. She’s definitely a jack-in-the-box. There are women out there that are very toxic and will make your life a living hell and will use law enforcement to get revenge on you if they feel hurt and they won’t feel any remorse for it, they’ll even make up things and lie.

I had a guy I met years ago that had his life ruined because he had a really good relationship with his high school girlfriend when they were like 16, 17 years old. Of course, she’s sending him naughty pictures. I think he was 21, 22, something like that. This was several years after their relationship had ended.

So he’s in a relationship with a girl that’s just a jack-in-the-box, lunatic nutcase. Of course, she knew about the pictures on his phone, which were from high school. They broke up and she got mad at him. To get revenge, she calls law enforcement and says, “Oh, he’s got pictures on his phone,” of him and his girlfriend from high school. Then after that, the next day she’s like, “Oh, what did I do?” Because she’s a nut. Then she calls back and tries to undo it all and they’re like, “Well, you reported it. So we have to look into it.”

This guy, unbeknownst to him, the police show up and confiscate his phone and they’re like, “Oh, we got these things on here.” Then you got a prosecutor, who is a bit of a sociopath, doesn’t care about the circumstances, doesn’t care about the crazy ex-girlfriend. All he’s looking at is, “Hey, it meets the definition of something that is just not allowed according to the law,” and thinking, “Hey, I need more stats so I can continue to move up the ladder and become a regional prosecutor.” So he basically says, “Hey, we’ll put you away for 10-15 years, or you can admit that you did something wrong and you’ll have to register.” I don’t want to say the words, because I don’t want to get demonetized in this video, but made him register wherever he lives as a you-know-what.

So he’s 21, 22, I think both his parents had passed away, he’s got nobody around. He doesn’t have any money and he’s being backed into the corner by this corrupt prosecutor. It’s just wrong. The whole thing is wrong. Doesn’t take anything into consideration of what happened there, just wants to to nail this dude’s nuts to the wall so he can get some more numbers to pad on his sheet of prosecutions. This happens all the time.

This is one of the reasons why BLM took off and so many people in the black community are not happy, because of things like this. Something happens and they don’t have the money to fight it, and then they end up in jail or they get extensively, excessively long sentences when people with money are able to just fight back, get it off, get off it or whatever. This guy, she literally ruined this dude’s life just because she was trying to get revenge on him because he broke up with her, because she was toxic and she was nuts. That’s prevented them from getting jobs. It really screwed him and his career in trying to advance and make money. I felt really bad for the guy. That kind of shit happens all the time.

The reason I bring that up is that you really got to pay attention. When you have women threatening to use the law to come after you and can use it in unjust ways, I mean, just last week I was reading an article about Yale. There was a guy from Afghanistan that fled the Taliban. He’s very smart. I think he might have worked as an interpreter. I can’t remember the exact circumstances, but he had nobody left in his family. His mother had passed away. Her dream was he goes off to college in America and makes it, if you will. He goes out on a date with this other student from Yale, and they end up hooking up.

Then for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to date her or they don’t date after that. Next thing he knows, the police show up. He’s living on campus, he was there on a scholarship, and she basically said he slept with her without her consent. She accused him of the R-word. I can’t say the R-word on camera just because I don’t want to get demonetized, you’re not allowed to say those things, and accuses him of it.

It’s like the middle of the night in the middle of winter, the campus police show up and they’re like, “You got 30 minutes to pack your shit and go and get off campus.” So he gets booted off campus in the middle of the night. He’s got no money. There’s nobody he can call and he’s, in essence, homeless, all because the school believed this totally made up charge. He gets prosecuted and he goes to a bridge that was near campus. I guess it’s high enough where a lot of people have jumped off and committed suicide. He’s thinking about doing it himself, then he thinks about the memory of his mother whose dream had always been him to come to America. So he says, “You know what? I’m not giving up.” So he fought it.

The girl, I guess, admits that she made it all up. It wasn’t true. So the case gets dismissed and now he’s suing Yale for like $110 million, I think it was. These things happen. There are women that are out there that will do this. There was a player that played for, I want to say, the Atlantic Falcons maybe eight or 10 years ago. The guy was in college, phenomenal draft prospect, went on a date with a girl, hooked up with her. She did the same thing to him, totally made it up. He ends up getting prosecuted and spends like eight or 10 years in jail. Then eventually she recants and says, “Well, I made it all up.”

He gets let out of prison, but by then he’s in his, I think late 20s, so everybody, you know, NFL talked about it and what had happened. The dude got totally wronged by this girl and the justice system. They gave him a chance, I think he was on the practice squad. He may have played for a few years. I don’t know what it was, but it wrecked this guy’s life and the opportunity.

So these women are out there and that’s why I’m bringing these things up, because the thing about, we’ll get to it in the email, with the police officer that lives in their building, that she’s threatening to involve the police officer to basically get this guy to comply with her wishes. That’s how abusive she is and dangerous, so there’s that.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I am at 10 reads, excluding audio book run-throughs. Let’s see if there is a correlation to face palms:

I am 35, living in London and have been with my partner for just over five years. She has always been a bit of a control-seeking type as I have known her be quite anxious, as well as having tantrums which at times have been off the charts. Things are getting worse now though. She even went so far during an argument to open the front door to say, “I will tell the neighbours I can’t get you to leave.” One of said neighbours is a police officer. 

That’s not good. You know, because she’s emotional, she’s angry and she wants to hurt him, there’s no logic or reason. It’s just pure emotion.

She seems to enjoy being in control of me financially (demanding full access to my bank accounts). Therefore, it is me who is out on his ass if anything were to happen.

Dude, if you gave this girl full access to your bank accounts, you need to take your right hand, reach out and choke yourself. If I were you, immediately the first thing I would do today when the banks open is to go and open a brand new bank account that does not have your girlfriend on it, close them and take all the money out of it and get new debit and credit cards for those. That is absolutely stupid to allow yourself to be intimidated by a woman to the point where you give her full access to your bank account so she can clean you out at any time.

She hates when I have money built up as I might use it to leave. 

Dude, seriously.

I am a workaholic by nature and often work 80+ hours a week. I never intend to stop as I refuse to let my career slip for anyone. I was broke when we met after a messy breakup but now earn well, just took delivery of a 2023 Tesla and feel I have a lot of runway ahead of me at age 35. I give her money every week and pay for all activities, meals, decor and furniture, while she hoards her money. 

Come on man, have some self respect. Seriously. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. Give this girl full access to your bank account so she can just screw you over and take your money? Come on dude. What are you thinking?

Like I said, that should be your first priority after you watch this video is go to the bank, take your money out, close those old bank accounts and make sure it’s only you on the new bank accounts, so she can’t do that to you. Next time she wants full access, say, “No, I’m not giving you access to my money.”

I recently entered private therapy as I wanted to get to the bottom of some confidence issues that were surfacing at work and have received nothing but flack from her about it.

Yeah, anything that threatens her authority and manipulation over you she’s going to have a problem with.

What you’ve got to understand about people like this is how they grew up. They grew up in a very abusive, toxic environment. She learned this from her family. I assume her parents or whoever raised her, this is what she learned. This is not your fault that she’s this way. Her family is the one that screwed her up, but you’re basically giving her total control over your life and your finances, hoping that it’s going to keep her from getting mad at you. All it does is embolden a tyrant.

Terms like “coercive control” and “denial” have come from the therapist as well as me being a total pleaser with no concept of self-care. 

Yeah, you’ve got to stand up for yourself. Like I said dude, get your bank accounts, get her off of your bank. You’re going to probably have to close the bank accounts and open brand new ones in just your name. You might even have to take your money, get a cashier’s check from that bank for all the money that’s in that particular bank accountm then take it to a new bank and open it or just leave what little money you need in there to cover any bills or checks you may have sent out that have yet to clear. You need to do that right away.

I came home from work on Friday to anger and atmosphere:
“I need you to fit the new radiators. You said we would be done by now.”
“Can you empty the rest of the stuff from the other place tonight?”
“I think you forget the things you say to me. I need to have no expectations of you.”

“You are really distant since you started counseling.”
“Why did you just leave me to hang out the washing this morning?”
“Are you gonna set the TV up?”
“I thought we normally go shopping on a Friday.” 

I hadn’t even sat down. She then proceeds to threaten me, “I don’t want to do the house thing with you anymore” (the bigger place we just bought)…

Is she on the deed or did you just buy this? Because now if you got a piece of real estate with her, you’re going to have to deal with disposing of that. You also need to go talk to an attorney. I think this guy seems to be from the UK, maybe? You need to talk to an attorney about how you can dispose of this piece of real estate that you just bought with her, because that sounds like it’s going to be messy.

…After I asked her, “Do we really have to do this again tonight?” (arguing). 

“I wanna breakup. I have had enough of your shit.” 

“You’ll never find anyone who is as good for you as me.”
“I know what is best for you.” 

Holy narcissistic abuse, dude! Come on man. You need to talk to an attorney. First, you need to get your bank account in order, and then you need to talk to an attorney about this, maybe somebody that understands the legal system. If you go to leave her, she’s going to go ballistic. She’s going to try to take the money out of your bank accounts and find out that she’s locked out of those and they’re closed. So you have to think, it’s like Sun Tzu said like The Art Of War, “Conceal your plans from your enemy. Then when you have all your ducks in a row, you strike like thunder.”

So that’s basically what you need to do. Take control of your finances, get your money back under your control so she can’t touch it, talk to an attorney about what you need to do about disposing of the real estate and somebody that can advise you, because she might go and cause a scene with the police officer. Unfortunately, the way the laws work is usually the guy is the one that goes to jail in the domestic issues. So like I said, you definitely need to speak to some legal counsel about how you’re going to pull the plug without putting yourself in a position to where she can use the law to abuse you.

I feel so uneasy around her. I am never relaxed. I know some of this is outrageous, but I really am realising that walking away once and for all is not easy. How do I know it is time to walk away, or I am completely missing something within her that I could help with?

Bob

Well, you could tell her, “You need to be nice to me, number one. You need to treat me with respect and stop abusing me verbally and mentally. If you can’t do that, then I don’t want to stay with you either. I don’t really care. You’re not a good girlfriend.”

Good women do not treat good men like this. “You’re not my mother. You’re not my boss. I’m not interested in coming home at night and having you berating me because you’re a miserable, unhappy woman. So you can be nice to me or we can figure out how to go our separate ways.”

Before you have this conversation, again, get your bank accounts under your control and go talk to an attorney who can advise you legally what to do. Maybe you need to have somebody else there with you when all this goes down just so you have an additional witness to protect yourself. Again, I wouldn’t do anything until you seek legal counsel because you’re in a precarious situation.

Look what happened to that guy I knew. I mean, back when they were in high school, what they did is totally OK, but because it meets the definition now that he’s an adult and you’ve got a prosecutor that doesn’t give a shit, just wants to check a box and pad his stats, they don’t care about ruining ruining your life. They won’t feel any remorse about it. They’ll sleep like a baby.

You got to be smart about this, dude. That’s what I would do if I were you. Keep seeing your therapist and never, ever get involved with a woman who is abusive this way and threatens to use the law inappropriately to make you comply with their abuse.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.