My Difficult, Mean & Abusive Girlfriend

What you can do if your girlfriend is mean, difficult & abusive towards you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer in his 40’s who is a widower with 2 kids. He’s been seeing a woman for almost 2 years who is divorced with 2 kids. He came across my work after being needy and over pursuing. He cleaned up a lot of his behavior, but she is perpetually mean, difficult and abusive towards him. He’s a little too soft and squishy and lets her treat him like a doormat. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “My Difficult, Mean & Abusive Girlfriend.”

Well, how many times have you heard me say over the years, “you want to find a girl who’s easy going, easy to get along with, and who’s nice to you.” Well, this particular email is from a guy who’s dating a woman who is not that, obviously, but in his defense he came across my work after he was already involved with her. And as he said, he was very needy. He over pursued.

So he basically trained his girlfriend to perceive him as kind of being a beta male doormat, a guy she can kind of walk all over. She’s able to intimidate, she gets upset at him and he’s like, “oh, I’m sorry, your Highness.” So in other words, she had all the power. And so he kind of trained her to be a little bit of a tyrant, but kind of looks like she’s a little messed up. And so this email is a good email that just illustrates what happens when you don’t set and enforce healthy boundaries.

And as a man, you let the woman just kind of treat you like shit and treat you like a doormat. So they’ve been seeing each other for almost two years. So this is not somebody he just started dating for a few weeks. This has gone on for a long time. And now she’s used to treating him that way. And so it’s much harder to take corrective action when you’re two years down the road versus when you first start dating somebody.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Dear Coach Corey Wayne,

My name is Bob, I am in my early 40’s and a solo father to 2 young boys after being widowed. I have been following your work for about a year and a half and have listened to your audio book 3% Man coming up to 10 times now. I have been seeing a woman for almost 2 years, who is divorced. She also has 2 children. When we first started dating, I made a lot of mistakes with over pursuing, being too needy and she kept blowing hot and cold.

What happens is you vacillate back and forth between being masculine and being effeminate and girly. When you act masculine, she’s turned on. When you act like a beta and feminine and girly, she’s turned off and repulsed. And typically when she’s turned off and repulsed, she’s going to get a little bitchier, a little crankier, and is going to be less inclined to be nice to you. Because she doesn’t respect you when you act like a bitch. As I say all the time, if you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch.

This is when I came across your work. I did manage to clean up my act for the most part, but when things started to go well between us, she would then start to become cold distant and appear to completely lose interest.

Well, there’s a chapter in The Book, “Women Are Like Cats.” If you spend a lot of time together she may get a little cold and distant, and that needs to be something that doesn’t bother you. You just let her be. And a few days later, she’ll return back to you. But if you have a history like this guy does of being needy and over pursuing, as soon as there’s a little bit of silence from her, or she seems to be less enthused, he’s going to tend to freak out, that’s just going to be his natural go to. To think, “oh, there’s something wrong. I got to fix this.” Instead of just understanding that a woman’s feelings and emotions, they change like the weather, and you can’t get butthurt or caught up in her being one particular way for a period of time.

You just got to take all of the behavior as it comes. But once she crosses the line, and she’s abusive, or she’s nasty, you got to call her out on it. If she treats you properly, she gets the gift of your time. And if she’s abusive and nasty and mean, well, she gets the gift of missing you. She has to learn that you’re not going to hang out with her if she’s going to be mean to you. Simple as that. Because whatever you tolerate, you invite more of. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. And if you keep putting up with it, you’re teaching her that it’s okay to treat you that way.

We have had many discussions about this behavior when she decides to be nice to me again and she tells me that she goes into this “freeze mode” with no emotions and feels overwhelmed with “everything”.

Well, that’s why you have to be indifferent to it. That’s why you can’t be bothered. You can’t come unglued. You can’t take it personally or like it’s some kind of rejection. Just because she wakes up in a different mood than she went to sleep with the night before doesn’t mean there’s something wrong that you need to fix. And if you’re constantly, always wondering where you stand, which again, is what needy behavior is. It’s typically comes because you didn’t get enough strokes from mom and dad as a kid, so you didn’t feel loved, you didn’t get enough love. And so you always assume and you presuppose you’re not going to get the love that you want. And to make up for that, you try to force yourself on the other person.

If the girl is not happy or she’s upset or she’s in a bad mood, you assume it’s your fault. And then you try to take blame or ownership for that. Whereas if she’s cranky, you’re like, “oof, well, she can call me when she calms down. I don’t want to be around her when she’s being nasty.” She’s got to be nice to you. Don’t put up with a girl who is mean. Because you do you invite more of it. And not only that, when other people and especially women, seeing you getting abused by your significant other other women around you will think, “oh, that’s okay, and then they’ll start doing it.” So it’s not just your girlfriend that caused the problem. If you got daughters, the daughters will start behaving that way.

I know that she has a lot of mummy and daddy issues which are still going on to this day.

Well, it’s not your job to fix her or to save her. She’s got mommy and daddy issues, she needs to fix that herself.

She feels that her parents favor her brothers and younger sister over her.

So how is that going to affect her, if she’s the victim, everybody else gets more love and attention than she does, so her go to is to be, “oh, poor me, I’m a victim. Nobody loves me. Nobody cares.” She assumes the slight is against her. And you’ll see later on in the email how that kind of manifests in the relationship. She tends to have unreasonable expectations that she doesn’t inform him of, and then when he doesn’t live up to them, she gets mad at him. And you’ll see some of them are pretty ridiculous.

She had a long unhappy and abusive marriage before meeting me and I will add that a one of her kids is very a difficult child, on the spectrum and according to her, causes her a lot of stress.

The crazy thing is like when you listen to JFK Jr. talk about like autism like when he was growing up, I think he was saying in the 60s it was like one in 20,000 or 22,000 kids had it. And now it’s something like one in 30 kids has autism, I think in California. And the data is like one out of 10 or 1 out of 12 kids has autism. Something has changed. He says by September, they’re going to basically release what causes it. We all kind of know what causes it, but we’re not allowed to say. But it’ll be interesting to see when they release their findings. But I mean, the parents I mean, I’ve seen plenty of videos of parents. They know where it came from. But again, you’re not allowed to say that. You’re not allowed to talk about it. Because if you do, your content gets gets deleted.

While with me she started therapy sessions to better understand why she becomes that way, but then stopped them as she did not like the topics the therapist was discussing with her.

Well, she could have always found another therapist. So she has a problem. She knows she has a problem. She goes to get help. Therapist says some mean things or things that make her feel uncomfortable, so she just taps out. As Jim Rohn used to say, “I will take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” So your girlfriend needs to take care of herself. If she’s got problems and issues, she needs to fix that, not just say, “Oh well, it’s too hard.” Or, “The therapist said mean things to me.”

Or, “The therapist said things that made me feel uncomfortable.” That’s the whole reason why you go there, you know. It doesn’t mean all therapists are good if you don’t like the one you’re with, or she didn’t like the one she was with, she could always hire somebody else. Maybe she can interview several and then settle on somebody that she likes and who actually, feels like is helping her, and she’s getting better.

Last Christmas her ex-husband took the kids away to stay with his parents and she came to stay at mine. Everything was good and we enjoyed spending time together. In the last days she was staying at mine, one evening while we were chilling and watching a movie together cuddling in bed, she turned to me and out of the blue told me that her good side is burning out.

So in other words, she’s like, “Hey, I may go a little wacky here. I may not be so nice. What do you think about that?” And she just basically says, “oh, my good side’s burning out.” So he does the right thing.

I asked her what she meant by that, and she told me that she is starting to feel numb emotionally and feeling like she wants to be mean to me.

Yeah, so the reason why she feels like it’s okay to be mean is because he let her get away with it so many times in the past.

I told her that if she is going to start being mean I’ll take her home as I would rather be with her when she is being nice.

Well, that’s where you know, when she says that, it’s like, “If you start being mean. It’s like, I’m going to order you an Uber. This is the holidays. I want to have a good time. I got my family around. I got my kids around. And you’re not going to abuse me in front of my children. So if you’re going to start that shit, you’re going to go home. I’m not going to deal with it.” Sometimes that’s all it takes. And she’ll say, “you know what, I’m sorry.”

But it’s like the fact that she’s saying this is just a way to see if he’ll let her get away with it. Because if he just doesn’t say anything, doesn’t stand up to her, then she’ll start being mean and waiting for him to stand up to her and put her in her place, because women really want to be put in their place. Sometimes you need to put them over your knee and give them a spanking if they’re out of line.

Then she changed her attitude for the rest of the time she was staying at mine.

Yeah. Because you basically told her, it’s like, “I’m not putting up with this.” Which was the right thing to do. So good on you for that.

Since then and for the last 3 months she has become very detached and then a few weeks ago told me that it is all my fault that she behaves that way.

Well, there is truth in that because you let her get away with it. So therefore you invite it. She goes full Doctor Jekyll, Mr. Hyde. So I assume Mr. Hyde is the crazy one. If I remember right from that.

She told me that she cannot get over that when we went for our first date that she bought one drink and told me that I should have paid for all the drinks.

You’ll see that money is kind of a recurring theme. And so it’s clear she feels like he should be paying for more things. That’s the real issue, why she’s bringing that up.

This subject keeps re-surfacing when she is being cold with me. She said that if she did not buy that one drink, everything would be different. I find this hard to believe.

Well, women speak in hyperbole. And so because this appears also elsewhere in the email, and it has to do with money that what she’s really trying to say, because it looks like she’s kind of a shitty communicator, is that she wants you to pay for more things, because she really can’t afford it. She’s probably living above her means. Her expenses are exceeding her revenue.

She told me that since then she thinks of me as tight with my money which is untrue.

Well, again, whoever is focused on the money and who’s being tight is usually the one who is the tightest.

My birthday was a few weeks ago and she told me she was taking me and all the kids for a meal. Then on my birthday she told me she felt hopeless that she did not have enough money to take me somewhere nice.

Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. So if she’s giving you a hard time about money, it’s because she’s having a hard time with money. But she tries to blame it on you, and that’s how she’s able to absolve herself. Because remember how she was raised, she’s a victim. She doesn’t get enough love. She doesn’t get enough money. So she’s like, oh, poor me.

So one of the dysfunctional ways that she fulfills her need for love and connection is to play the victim. Oh, I didn’t get enough love from mommy and daddy. They favored my brothers and sisters. They love them more than me. I have to spend money I don’t have. You’re a big meanie. You make me spend all my money on you. Oh, victim. Poor me. Feel sorry for me. That’s basically how it comes out.

I told her I did not need anything extravagant and said that we did not have to go out for dinner if she is short of money, but she insisted. While out for my birthday she was being cold and appeared angry all the time. This made me feel very awkward on my own birthday.

You got to pull her aside and say, look, this is my birthday and you’re being a bitch to me in front of everybody, in front of my family. So knock it off or pack your shit and leave. Sometimes you got to tell a girl that, you know, especially if you got your family and friends and everybody there, and she’s berating you in front of them. It’s like you got to pull her aside and say, “this shit needs to stop. If you can’t stop, you need to leave. I’m not putting up with this.” Problem is, is that you’re too nice, you’re too soft, and you put up with this. And so therefore, you invite more abuse.

When I saw her a few days later, she apologized for the way she was acting, but then said it was my fault as I should have thought to give her money before hand to get her nails, hair and eyebrows done so she could look nice for my birthday.

I would have just said no. It’s your responsibility to bathe yourself, to get your nails done and your hair done and be an adult. I’m dating adult. I’m not dating a fucking child. You need to act like an adult. Don’t ever speak to me like that again. And don’t tell me stupid shit like that. That’s ridiculous.

She then told me that she would have used that money on my birthday instead and this made me feel bad.

Again, that’s the problem. You’re taking ownership for her issue. Which is again, more you acting like a bitch and a doormat and inviting more of that.

Last week I invited her over to mine for a BBQ. While she was at mine, she told me she was not hungry, so I stopped grilling food. Then out of nowhere she appeared angry and told me she is going home. I said, “Is everything okay? She replied, “I’m fine, it’s getting late, I need to get my kids to bed”.

Okay, so this is a pretty obvious one. It should be obvious. And so when you say, “hey, I’m going to have a barbecue, come on over.” Then she comes over and goes, “oh, I don’t want any barbecue.” Then you’re like, well, I’m just going to call the whole thing off. Then you’re changing how you’re showing up and you’re changing your opinions or you’re changing what you want because of her. So that’s a mistake. That’s part of the issue because you wanted to grill out, and now you stop grilling out because of her. That’s weakness. It’s just like when a girl said, when you’re like, “man, I really like red cars.”

And she’s like, “oh, I hate red cars. I love blue ones.” Then you go, you know, “red does kind of annoy me sometimes. And blue is one of my favorite colors, actually.” And then you change your opinion to match hers. That’s basically what you’re doing. If you wanted to grill out, grill out. She could stay. She can go. You’re driving the fun bus. You don’t stop driving the fun bus because she doesn’t like the destination or what you’re doing, you just stop and then say, well, you can get off right here if you like.

Then out of nowhere she appeared angry and told me she is going home. I said, “Is everything okay? She replied, “I’m fine, it’s getting late, I need to get my kids to bed”.

When a woman says, “I’m fine” or “it’s fine”, she’s not fine. She’s upset. And the reason she’s upset is because you’re acting like a bitch. Because you stopped grilling. Because she said she didn’t want any food. And I assume there were other people there besides just you and her.

And left in a hurry. It was 6:30pm and I know they go to bed around 9pm. Both of my children noticed this and my 12-year-old made a comment saying, “I don’t know why you put up with her”.

Huh? Maybe you should listen to your 12 year old. Even your 12 year old notices you being a bitch. And if you keep tolerating it, guess what? Your 12 year old is going to start treating you like a bitch. You got to have some self-respect, dude. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do.

Later that evening she called me to tell me that she is really mad at me because I did not grill enough food, and she had to end up cooking after getting home.

The issue is you vacillate and you go back and forth and you don’t stick to what you want because you’re too much seeking her approval all the time. You’re constantly trying to make her the man in the relationship, and it’s disgusting and it’s repulsive, so you need to knock it off.

When I pointed out that she told me she was not hungry and did not want to eat, she said that I should have still grilled all the food anyway and she would have eaten it.

Yeah, your attitude should have been like, “well, hey, I told you I was having a barbecue. If you don’t want to barbecue with me, it was like, well, there’s the door I’m grilling out.” We’re having a good time here. We’re gonna grill out, your kids are there. And so you stop the meal for because of her. That’s being a bitch. That’s part of your problem. You’re too worried about what she thinks. Your fun bus was having a barbecue, and then she comes and goes. I don’t want barbecue. I don’t like barbecue. And then you’re like, “all right, well, I guess we’re not gonna barbecue then. I don’t want my girl being mad at me.”

She then told me that this does not make her feel safe with me.

And there it is. This is why the legs close with a lot of women. And guys wonder why their girls don’t want to sleep with them. Because you act like a bitch. You get intimidated when a girl says she doesn’t like something. Again, it’s like having a Super Bowl party and having all your friends and family come over, and then your girlfriend comes over and she goes, “I hate Super Bowl parties. Super Bowl parties suck.” And you go, “all right, well, everybody go home. The Super Bowl party is canceled because my girlfriend doesn’t like Super Bowl parties.”

They’re all going to think you’re a pussy, and they’re never going to come to another one of your parties again. That’s basically what you did. And that’s why she says she doesn’t feel safe. Because you’re not man enough to do what you want, despite whether it pleases her or not. If you told all these people you’re going to barbecue, and then she comes over and goes, “I’m not hungry.” And you go, “well, I guess the barbecue is canceled.” That’s a bitch move, Dude. Come on. Jump up and down and maybe your balls will finally drop.

I have many times been in the mind set to walk away from her, when I go no contact, but she comes back and tells me that she does not like that when I don’t contact her.

And he probably apologizes profusely and gets down and licks her feet and everything else.

Because I have feelings for her, I find it hard to just walk away and let her go from my life.

Yeah, so your neediness and your clinginess is still exhibiting itself. And that’s, I’d say, a big part of why she’s bitchy like this is because all she has to do is get upset and then you lose your shit. You cancel your plans. You change everything around trying to please her. You’re a people pleaser. It’s highly unattractive.

I asked her the other day why she comes back to me after telling me she is better off alone.

Again. If you understand The Book you said you read it ten times and then you’re asking her, “gee, why do you like me?” That’s an ultimate bitch move.

And she says she is afraid to be on her own and without me.

“Face palm”.

You think you’re going to get a straight answer when you act like that? That’s part of your problem is you’re just perpetually acting like a bitch around her. You’re making her the man. She says, “oh, I don’t like this.” You go, “oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you didn’t like barbecue. Please forgive me, your Highness.” And then she’s so disgusted. She just ups and leaves and leaves early.

From what I have told you. Do you think I have a narcissist on my hands?

I think the biggest; It’s possible. But I don’t know enough about her. And I don’t self-diagnose people like that. I’m not psychic. But I can tell from the behavior you put in your email that you’re a big part of your problem. You acting like a pussy is a big part of your problem. Even your kids notice it. The fact that you allow her to abuse you in front of your children and they notice it and they’re like, “why do you put up with that shit?” So even your kids, you’re fucking 12 year old notices that you’re acting like a bitch. Come on dude, have some self respect.

Why does she keep coming back to me after she tells me that she is better off being on her own and when I let her be.

Did you actually read The Book? You said you read it ten times. That’s not the kind of question I would expect from somebody that’s read The Book ten times. The reason she comes back is because you let her be. You’re indifferent to it. You don’t chase after her. So some of the time you’re applying what’s in The Book, and other times you’re misapplying it or you’re not applying it at all. You’re too much of a people pleaser. You need to stand up for yourself more and put the girl in her place.

I never had any of these problems with my late wife. I know you’re going to give me a roasting, but I would appreciate any advice you could give me.

Kind regards,

Bob

Well, the biggest part of your problem is you’re changing your plans to please her. You’re jumping through your butt to kiss her ass. You let her abuse you in front of everybody, including your children and your family, which is really bad. And so she doesn’t respect you because you don’t stand up for yourself. And when as a man, you don’t stand up for yourself, she’s not going to feel safe. She doesn’t feel like you can protect her.

Because if you’re too much of a pussy to stand up to her and put her in her place when she’s out of line and being ridiculous, she doesn’t trust your masculine core. You’re going to dry her up. You’re going to cause her not to want to be around you. And she storms off like this because what she really wants is you to stand up and be a man consistently, instead of vacillating back and forth. That’s a big part of your problem is, you don’t act like a man consistently.

You’re just vacillating. Sometimes you’re a man. Other times you act like a little girl. If you act like a little girl. You’re going to turn her off and she’s going to be a bitch to you. So what you need to do is control the controllables, which is your behavior. So you need to show up and be consistently masculine and stop jumping through your ass trying to please her because it’s not working for you.

And on top of that, you’re setting a bad example in front of your children because they see you getting walked all over and are like, why do you put up with this shit, dad? Stand up to her. Be a fucking man. Jump up and down until your balls finally drop. Because this is disgusting and repulsive behavior. And if you don’t get it right with her, the next girl you’ll have the same problems with. So that’s a big part of your problem. Keep in mind, obviously your girlfriend’s got some issues that she needs to work on, and she’s clearly not. But you’re enabling this behavior by constantly displaying weakness and beta male tendencies.

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