My Ex Came Back After I Dumped Her, But Then She Dumped Me!

What you can do after dumping your ex & she doesn’t want to get back together.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who went thought a rough time in his life. He got annoyed by his girlfriend checking in on him and trying to be supportive and impulsively dumped her. A full month later he reached out and they started seeing each other again until she abruptly ended it. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “My Ex Came Back After I Dumped Der, But Then She Dumped Me!”

How dare she? So this particular email is from a viewer who, quite frankly, after reading his email and seeing what happened here, it looks like he wasn’t that into his girl. Like he’d already kind of checked out. And so he was going through a very difficult time and she was reaching out, trying to be supportive because, because obviously he’s going through a hard time and she’s trying to be a good girlfriend. And instead of being appreciative, he was just a jerk to her.

And so he gets really pissed off at her, breaks it off, ends the relationship, doesn’t talk to her for like three weeks, I think it is. And then his grandmother dies. She reaches out, offers condolences, and then a week after that, after a full month has passed since the supposed love of his life If he’s been out of his life. And then he reaches out, apologizes for being such a jerk. They start hanging out, having fun, hooking up.

He’s trying to re-attract her, and about three weeks in, she just abruptly says she can’t do it because of what happened. She just kind of felt like it was too good to be true. She ended things and now he’s like, “what do I do now?” So this just shows rejection breeds obsession. And at the end of the day, if I was doing a phone session with this guy, I’d be looking at the fact that a whole month went by.

He didn’t even care to see his supposed girlfriend for a whole month after he broke up with her, because he’s going through a bad time. So if this woman really was a girlfriend that somebody really deeply cared for, he wouldn’t have gone a whole month without not talking to her. That’s just absurd. So it looks like he just got a little lonely, and it seems like she kind of picked up on the fact that he just really wasn’t 100% in. Probably the reason why she bailed the second time.

And so clearly he’s writing in now, he’s like, he’s in no contact. But he’s like, is “there anything else I can do?” In other words, he wants to know if pursuing is the right thing. In other words, trying to keep somebody doesn’t want to keep you. And in reality, it looks like he just wasn’t that into it. And the fact that she had all this time apart to look at the past and realize he wasn’t into it. And so why get back together with somebody when they’re just not feeling it?

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

I’m currently confused about a situation with my ex and would really value your perspective. I was in a 2-year relationship with this amazing girl.

Yeah. There’s so. She was so amazing. You went a whole month without even talking to her. That’s how amazing she was. That just shows me you didn’t give a damn.

The relationship was very strong, with great communication, a lot of affection, a strong physical connection, and very little conflict. She was highly invested: she initiated most of the contact, I would say around 80–90%, talked about moving in together, buying a house, and even brought up having a family in the future, something that we both aspire to. I mostly led the dates and allowed her to bring up those topics, as you teach.

So after he puts the rose colored glasses down and says how everything was just so wonderful and so perfect, in reality it wasn’t. But he’s trying to convince himself after the fact that it was better than it actually was.

Towards the end of the relationship, I went through a very stressful period in my career and started having panic attacks. During that time, I became emotionally withdrawn and isolated myself. She noticed immediately and tried to support me a lot, but I felt overwhelmed and started getting irritated instead of appreciative, what a fucking idiot, I know.

Well, at the end of the day, dude, the fact that that’s how you treated the supposed love of your life just shows you really didn’t care for her. Again, it’s like you’re going through a tough time a couple of weeks, but just to blow your girlfriend off and be break up with her and then totally be okay with not talking or seeing her for a whole month. It’s like you really weren’t missing her.

Eventually, I had an emotional outburst and ended the relationship impulsively on January 24^th. About 3 weeks later, February 17^th, she reached out to offer condolences after my grandmother passed away. I didn’t set a date at that time because I wasn’t feeling good. A few days later, February 22^nd.

Which was basically a week later.

I reached out, apologized for how I handled things, and set a date. We met, and she was very receptive. She told me she missed me a lot and wanted to get back together, I didn’t mention back together; she mentioned it. During the date, I led, kept things light and fun, and we reconnected physically. After that, things seemed to go well again. She was consistently reaching out, very affectionate, and even told her family we were back together, and I was back too to the family dinners and stuff. However, she would sometimes mention things like it felt “too good to be true, it seems a dream, and that she was afraid it wouldn’t work out.

Well, when she’s saying things like that, you should be like, “why? What makes you think that it’s not going to work out? Why would you say that?” So that tells me, on some level, her spidey sense, if you will, in the back of her mind was like, yeah, this guy’s just not that into it. He’s like going through the motions. And she could tell.

I always open her up, tell her to say what she’s feeling, and always worked, she mentioned that like 2 to 3 times, I always opened her up those times and we always end up having indoor fun after. 

So again, on some level, something doesn’t feel right to her. So probably she just doesn’t feel he’s really sincere and doesn’t mean it. And then once they’re together for a period of time, it’ll just go back to the way things were. And it probably wasn’t so great even before he started going through the tough time. It’s just a tough time.

Magnified that again, if this is your girl, somebody, your teammate, your biggest cheerleader and fan, you’re not going to be keeping her at arm’s length like that. That just shows me that because you’re going through a tough time, you realize you were still unhappy and that you weren’t that into your girl. And that’s the real reason why you dumped her. You don’t dump somebody you supposedly care about and then be okay with not speaking for a whole month.

Suddenly, on March 17^th, things changed. She cancelled a date where we were supposed to spend the night together, saying she was feeling anxious and hadn’t been sleeping well.

I would have just been like, well, why don’t you come over and let’s talk about it?

The next day, she sent me a message saying she couldn’t see the relationship the same way anymore because she couldn’t forget how I treated her before the breakup.

You were a dick to her for a long period of time, and the only reason you were a dick to her is because you didn’t respect her and you didn’t appreciate her. You didn’t value her, and you were sabotaging the relationship. That’s the bottom line. You weren’t doing things to make it get better. You were doing things to make it worse because deep down, it just looks like you didn’t want to be with her anymore.

And if she was raised in a good family, she’s probably had a lot of conversations, especially with her dad about this. And her dad can tell that his daughter’s boyfriend just wasn’t that into her. Again, that’s what a good father is going to do. He’s going to point out the obvious because again, we just look at a person’s actions. Because if you realize, oh shit, I what did I do a few within a few days or maybe a week, you would have been saying, I’m sorry, I was going through a tough time.

I don’t know what I was thinking. I went, a whole month goes by. It just shows you really didn’t give a fuck. That’s the bottom line. Despite the flowery words that you put in the first paragraph about how great the relationship was, it clearly was not great in her eyes before you broke up with her. And so that’s what she remembers. And again, if I was doing a phone session, those are some of the things that we would be discussing. That’s a true reflection of how you really felt about her.

She said she felt insecure and didn’t think it was fair to continue. I stayed calm, didn’t argue, and accepted her decision. Unfortunately, I didn’t say the typical phrase, “If you change your mind, contact me.” Since then, I’ve been in no contact. She has removed me from Instagram. I still have things that are from her in my house, her family still occasionally reaches out to me. For example, they wished me a happy birthday recently, saying that they don’t forget me lol.

Well, at the end of the day, you guys got to let her be. This was her decision. She’s the one that pushed you away this time. You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. You try to fix things, but it’s pretty clear you treated her really shitty for a long period of time. And probably just because you’re a little lonely and you got nothing else going on now you think you want to get back together with her. But again, a whole month went by Dude. You just didn’t care.

What confuses me is how fast her feelings seemed to shift after things appeared to be going well again.

Well, that’s because you’re looking at how things felt for you. But the reality is, as she said, she remembered how you treated her before the breakup and you weren’t a very good boyfriend before then. And again, if she’s got a good family and a support system around her, they’re all pointing that out. And that’s why she’s like, it seems too good to be true. In other words, once you’re comfortable and you think you got me, then you’ll just go right back to being a dick. And the only reason you go back to being a dick is again, you don’t like her that much and you don’t respect her.

From my perspective, I felt I was showing up better and applying what I’ve learned.

Yeah, but you can’t fake it. You can’t fake interest. You can’t force your heart to feel something it doesn’t feel.

Do you think I likely made a mistake during the reconciliation phase, or was this more about her unresolved feelings and loss of trust?

Well, it just looks like you didn’t give a damn. And again, a whole month went by before because most guys in this situation will break up with a girl because they realize there’s all these other girls that they like or are even more attracted to, and they think, well, I could just date one of these other girls instead of the ex. And then as soon as they become single, their vibe changes and all those girls disappear.

And then usually within 90 days, maybe about 45 days out, the guy goes, uh oh. And then he wants to go back to what was. And if a girl has a healthy self-esteem and then she’s got a good family around her and she’s telling him what’s going on, they’re going to be like, yeah, your ex-boyfriend doesn’t really care. He’s not really sincere.

Other guys in her orbit?

Maybe potentially.

And at this point, is continuing no contact the best approach, or is there anything else I should be doing?

Well. You don’t try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. She tossed you out. She said she didn’t want to do it. Couldn’t do it. So you got to give her the gift of missing you permanently at this point. So you just got to let her be. You told her that you want to see her. You wanted to rekindle things even though she said that.

It’s possible maybe you said something when you were hanging out. But more than likely, it was your actions and your actions before the breakup. Because again, she reminded you of that. And so maybe on some level, you were still displaying when you were comfortable displaying some of that continued behavior. A little bit of contempt, a little bit of lack of respect, and you just weren’t appreciating her.

I’m still applying the 7 principles, but yeah, it’s hard! I know there are plenty of women out there, but damn. I do care about her and believe this relationship has long-term potential.

It only has potential if both people want to make it work. And right now she doesn’t. And you claim to. But after a month or so of hanging out, having fun, and hooking up again, she just wasn’t buying what you were selling. That’s the bottom line.

I love her, her family. What a waste.

Thank you, Coach.

Bob

Well again, if we just look at how you were treating her before you broke up with her, you weren’t being very good to her. So to me, that’s a true reflection of how you actually felt about her. And that’s why she keeps reminding herself of that, and probably her family. If she’s got a good tight family they’re reminding her of that as well. Because if you really did value and appreciate her like you claim to or like you say you do, you wouldn’t have treated her that way.

You’d have gone through a tough time once she pointed out, you’ve been being a dick lately, you would have said, “you know what? I’m sorry, babe, you’re right. I’m going through a tough time and I’m taking it out on you. And that’s wrong. And I apologize if I made you feel uncomfortable, and I apologize if I made you feel like I didn’t care. That was not my intent. But I was just feeling so shitty. That’s the way it came out. And I’m sorry it won’t happen again.”

But none of those conversations ever happened. You were just like, get the fuck away from me. And then you realize you had no other choices, no other options. Probably got a little lonely, probably got a little thirsty, want a little booty. And so now you’re trying to convince her that you’ve truly changed and realize the error of your ways. But in reality, again, we just have to look at how you were treating her in the months leading up to you dumping her.

And you were not a good boyfriend. And to me as a coach, because I’ve been doing this a long time and having been through similar situations, sometimes a relationship runs its course, and even though they’re a great person, you know it’s time to move on. And that’s a hard thing to do, especially when you got no other choices and no other options. So she wanted her space. She wanted her time away, her family still reaching out.

And so when she can’t take it anymore, she might reach out. But then again, why would you want to get back together with somebody? Because as soon as you’re comfortable, as soon as you think you got her back, you’ll probably go right back to treating her the same way you did in those months leading up to you dumping her. And I suspect if I was talking to her, she would probably tell me that you were kind of, at times, starting to treat her and make her feel the same way you did before you dumped her the first time.

And so therefore, she just didn’t believe you were sincere, because it sounds like she’s a pretty smart girl and got a good support system around her. And if that’s the case, then you’re probably not going to end up getting back together with her because her family will, and she’ll trust them enough and look up to them, admire them, and respect them enough to listen. So the right thing to do is to focus on meeting somebody who does light you up on the inside and do whatever you got to do to get back to a place in life where you’re really happy and you’re really enjoying yourself.

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