My Ex Canceled Our Last Date. How Do I Respond When She Reaches Out?

How to respond when your ex reaches out after canceling your last date.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who provides an update to a previous newsletter. He’d been hooking up with his ex after she dumped him. Then she canceled their last date and said she needed space. He wonders how to respond when she reaches out again.

He’s thinking about reaching out because he doesn’t want to be a cold fish. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this is an email update. I did a previous newsletter for this guy a few weeks back, How to Keep Dating & Hooking Up After She Dumps You. So they’ve been hanging out, having fun, and hooking up. I suspect he was probably starting to re-engage his pursuit and call and text her, even though he should know by now that’s not what I teach. When you’ve been dumped and she dumped you and she unilaterally ended the relationship, she’s got to fix it. Therefore, that’s why she does 100% of the reaching out. God, I talk about this often, because guys continually do it. They go no-contact. The girl starts reaching out. They start making dates. They start hooking up again and it’s not going fast enough for them. They want to spend more time with her. They want to get serious again. They want to get back together. So they start calling, texting her, and reaching out to her. That works for about a week or two, maybe three. Then they notice that she starts taking longer to reply, she’s less open to getting together. Like in this guy’s case, she just abruptly canceled a date, said she needed space. So when a woman says she needs space, that tells me everything I need to know. He was smothering her. He was calling. He was texting too much. He was pursuing her to the point where it was more his idea than her idea. The reality is, women like you way more if they think that they are more into you than you are into them. That’s a fact of life. If you go against that, you’re going to experience pain. Whoever cares the least has all the leverage and all the power.

Again, if you’ve been dumped and you went into no-contact and she starts reaching out, you just wait to hear from her and you make the next date. She’s got to do 100% of the reaching out. If you start trying to speed things up so you can see each other more, what will end up happening is she will slow it down and basically start rejecting you all over again, because usually the guy is over-invested anyways and has pursued a woman to the point where she doesn’t want anything to do with him. When a girl says she needs space, it means you’ve called and you texted too much, and now she’s unsure of her feelings because you’re basically acting too much like a girl. The sexual polarity is reversed. So women want that space and that time away to wonder and see if their feelings return. When you keep reaching out, or in this case, they reach back out after a period of no-contact and you start hooking up again and then you re-engage your pursuit, you’re going right back to the same behavior that chased them away. What happens is you will chase them away a second, a third, or fourth time, and if you keep doing it, eventually they will ride off into the sunset with another guy.

So the more you pursue when you’ve been dumped, the more you make it easy for them to move on and go be with somebody else. The idea is you want her to experience life without you. She messes it up. She has to earn another chance with you. Not the other way around. She screwed it up. She ended it. That’s why she has to fix it. If you don’t give her the opportunity to fix it, she’ll dump you again for exactly the same reasons. The only thing women really care about is how they feel about you, and you’re doing things and saying things, meaning the emailer, that make her lose interest, attraction, and respect.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

Thanks for responding to my email (video titled, How to Keep Dating & Hooking Up After She Dumps You). I thought I’d send a quick update for you if it made another interesting video for your viewers. A bit has transpired since the last email, and I wanted your thoughts.

After she pulled back like I described before, I went into no-contact and gave her space. A few days later, she sent me a message (screenshot included)…

Let me make sure I pull that up and have that available. It’s a really short message. I’ll go back to it in a second.

…Essentially saying she needed time apart.

Well, the only time a woman needs time apart and needs space, it means you’re over-pursuing. So it doesn’t matter what you tell me, dude. The fact that this woman said this, or any woman for that matter, says that, I know you’re over-pursuing and you’re smothering her. You care more about her than she does about you, because you’re too focused on how much you like her, and you’re ignoring the fact she’s not that into you. So this is what happens.

So no matter what you say, I know you over-pursued because of what the woman says. It doesn’t matter if she’s in Saudi Arabia, in Croatia, in China, Russia, or the United States. They all say the same fucking thing, no matter where they are. This is why when you really understand women, they’re as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west. So a guy can bullshit himself. He can try to bullshit me, he can lie to himself, he can try to lie to me, but all you have to do is once I see what the woman says, it’s like I know exactly what’s going on. It’s like I can do this with my eyes closed.

So here’s what her text is:

Jessica: “I don’t want to come across like I’m ignoring you or don’t care about you. I just think time apart is best right now. I don’t know if you were thinking that way. I don’t know, you know how I am.”

So the fact that she said this, “I don’t want to come across like I’m ignoring you,” that tells me he’s been calling and texting and she’s not replying. Yet he continues to call and text. So he’s not following what I teach. He’s not following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. He was still pursuing, and he was ignoring the fact that he’s trying to keep her, and she’s not trying to keep him to the point where now she’s like, “Hey, I want time apart. Leave me alone.”

So probably he was pursuing and pursuing. She made the date and he kept pursuing, and she canceled the date because it wasn’t her idea. It was his idea. See how that works? Again, I just have to look at her words, and I know exactly what’s going on. No matter what he says, what the guy says, is irrelevant. I got what the woman says. Again, they all say the same thing. They’re so predictable. It’s easy. I can do this with my eyes closed, like I said earlier.

Since then, it’s been about two weeks of no-contact.

Meaning after that last text exchange…

Bob: “I hear you. Take the time you need.”

Which is the right response, but again, it should have never got to that point. He should have listened to what I told him to do and what 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says to do. I know it’s hard when you’re emotionally invested. It’s like that little devil on your shoulder that’s like, “Oh, it’s just one phone call. Let her know you care.” You go and talk to any woman and she’s going to be like, “Well, make sure you tell her how much you care about her and miss her, and you’re thinking about her and you really want to be together,” which is thinking like a woman would think that was interested. The problem is the woman’s not interested, so they tell the guy to act the way they would act if they were interested, while ignoring the fact the woman is not acting like she’s interested.

Right after that message, she went out of state to stay with a mutual friend for about a week, which I assume was to clear her head and figure things out.

Well, he’s assuming this has something to do with him. It could have been that she’s going and hanging out, and this mutual friend is actually a guy friend that she’s hooking up with. So again, this just tells me from this paragraph, he’s still reaching out to see what’s going on with her because he knows that she’s out of town.

Since coming back, she’s been traveling around a bit more with friends. I’m sure part of her may have expected me to check in at some point, and she might even be a little surprised that I haven’t reached out, but I’ve stayed consistent with no-contact.

So he must be getting this information or this intel, if you will, from social media or maybe through mutual friends.

One thing, if you are talking to mutual friends and they know exactly what you’re thinking and what you’re doing, more than likely that’s getting back to her. So you’ve got to really maintain good operational security. She shouldn’t have any clue as to what you’re doing. Anybody that does know you is like, “Oh, he’s having a good time. He’s been hanging out with so-and-so we’re doing this, doing that. Oh well, we didn’t actually talk about you at all.” It’s like, “Why? What’s going on?” “Oh, we’re taking time apart.” It’s like, “Oh, well your name never even came up.” She’d be like, “Really? He didn’t even bring me up? He didn’t ask how I was doing?” It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Just remember that.

Our pictures are still up on her Instagram and Facebook…

Well, that means she’s not completely the point where she’s ready to end it and erase you from her social media, but again, that’s why you got to do nothing.

…And I still have some of her things at my place that I know she’ll eventually want back.

Well, the reason why she left them there is it gives her a reason to reach out to you.

My question is about how to handle things if and when she reaches out. Should I simply respond warmly and let her be the one to bring up getting together and set a definite date?

If she does, yes. That’s what 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says. You asked her out on a date, you made a date, and she canceled and didn’t have another good reason. On top of that, she wanted space because you were still pursuing. So even if she reaches out and asks you out on a date, and then you get together and you hook up again, you got to let her reach out the next time after that, and the time after that, and the time after that. Your job is to make the opportunity for sex to happen. So that means let her reach out to you. That means she’s had enough time and space away and she’s missing you enough. Then you set the next date and she’ll probably keep those. Now, because you’ve been blown off and you’ve had a date canceled because you kept chasing instead of letting her be, now you got to wait until she invites you to do something or brings up wanting to see you.

Even if she talks about coming by to get her things, just say, “Hey, why don’t you grab a bottle of wine and come on over and you can pick your stuff up. We’ll grab a bite to eat,” or I should say, “We’ll make something to eat. We’ll grill something up.” Then you can hang out, have fun, and hook up, but no, you should not make a date. Even if she reaches out to you, she must bring up the date first. What she will do is if she keeps reaching out, then you don’t bring up the date anymore, she’ll start to wonder, “Did you meet somebody else? Did I piss him off? Does he not care anymore? I haven’t heard from him in a while. He’s been kind of distant. Did he meet somebody else? Is he fucking my best friend? Is he fucking my sister? What’s going on? Is he fucking that girl? Is he fucking that neighbor that was cute that just broke up with her boyfriend, was crying on his shoulder? What’s going on?”

That’s what you want to happen. That’s why radio silence is very powerful. She gets to experience what life is like when you’re no longer moving forward. How would you be if you met somebody else who was 10 times better? You wouldn’t care. You wouldn’t call her. You wouldn’t do anything. You’d just be hanging out with a new girl. So that’s what it’s going to kind of look like, is you met somebody else and you don’t care anymore. Maybe you met a hotter girl or prettier girl.

Or should I take the lead and set the date myself?

In my last email, I mentioned she flaked on plans for dinner, and you advised letting her set the next date.

I advise to let her bring up getting together again, and then you could set another date. So one of two things will happen: She’ll either reach out and bring up getting together, or she’ll just eventually stop contacting you.

But that was right after we had slept together and before she sent the “time apart” message.

Well again, it didn’t matter because you kept pursuing to the point where she wanted time apart. So you smothered her. So you weren’t following what I teach. You should have been in no-contact. Then whenever she broke it, you make the next date, but you went in no-contact. She broke it, you made a date, you started hooking up, and then you went right back to pursuing. Again, that’s why she blew you off, because it wasn’t her idea. You were trying to speed things up. Probably because you were in a state of fear. You’re worried that it’s not going to work out again.

Given our history of seeing each other almost daily for two-and-a-half years, it would feel a bit unnatural for us to be talking again without making plans to see each other.

Well again, what you’re ignoring is that she blew you off and showed you that your time is not really valuable. Then she went out of town and you don’t really know what she was doing. She probably went to go see another guy that she was fucking. So she blew you off, went away to go fuck somebody else, and now you’re going, “Oh gee, we should be seeing each other.” It’s like, come on, dude! You need to pull your head out of your butt and start actually applying what I teach, because it’s all about leverage. Whoever cares the least has all the leverage, and you care way more than her. That’s why you’re getting blown off.

Curious to hear your thoughts.

Thanks again!

Bob

Well again, unless she brings up getting together, you’re never going to bring it up, and one of two things will happen: She’ll either bring it up or she’ll disappear from your life forever. Then you’ll have your answer.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.