My Ex From A Toxic Relationship Unblocked Me. Why?

Why an ex will unblock you if things ended badly in your relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says his ex from their toxic relationship recently unblocked him on all social media. This was a relationship from when he was younger. Now that he has his own successful business and makes six figures, he is missing her because he has never connected on the same level with anyone else like he did with her.

It’s obvious, now that he is successful, that he thinks his money and success will fix his ex-girlfriend’s lack of character. I give him a dose of reality. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This is an interesting emai,l and it just goes to show how how rare it is for all of us to really connect with another human being. And that includes really close friends. I mean, how many times how often in your life have you met somebody that became a close friend, and they’ve just always been in your life, and it’s always been easy and effortless to have a good friendship with them? It hardly ever happens. It’s the same thing when it comes to significant others, people that you’re going to be in relationship with or that you’ve had relationships with.

How often do you meet somebody you just click with? You feel like you’ve known them forever, it’s easy and effortless to talk to them about anything and everything. You complete each other’s sentences, you have lots of things in common. You almost feel like you kind of know each other, even though you may have just met. It’s so rare for that to happen. And when those relationships don’t work out for whatever reason, you go your separate ways, it’s not very often that somebody new comes along that you connect with on that kind of a level. Where it just kind of feels like they were meant for you, like you were supposed to meet them. They’re part of your life path.

You could tell he’s thinking, “Now that I’m successful and I’m doing well, I’m a great guy, I’m a great catch, let me go back and prove myself to her,” which obviously is not the right mindset to have. But it just shows how hard it is for really all of us to move on and find somebody new that you click with. And that’s why so many people, when they’re not really happy, they know the person they’re with doesn’t fulfill them, and they stick around, and then they eventually do leave. And then 90 days later, they don’t meet anybody new, or they go out on a few dates, or a few dates go badly and they just don’t connect, and they’re thinking, “Wow, maybe what I had wasn’t so bad after all.”

And then they want to go back to what they had that was mediocre to begin with. Because you don’t know what the future’s going to hold. It’s like, you’re just trusting that life is going to intervene, or the universe, or God, or spirit, or whatever is going to intervene in your life and drop the perfect person at the perfect time, right when you’re looking for it. And it’s hard to wait and to hold out and have faith.

I was having a phone session with a guy that works for a tech firm. And I’ve been coaching him on and off for several years, because he works in the corporate world at one of the big tech firms. You all know the company, I’m not going to mention it. He’s a high level executive and he had kind of hit a ceiling, and he had somebody above him that was one of his managers, that just because this guy had been with the company longer, he had seniority, but he kind of sucked ass. And so, when you encounter that and then that person is kind of in your way, as you’re trying to climb the corporate ladder, how do you get them out of the way tactfully, without upsetting them and them trying to basically run you out of the company or get you fired?

So, those are some of the things that I’ve worked with clients on over the years. He’s like, “How do I get to where I want to be in the company without upsetting the apple cart,” so to speak. Because you’ve got to be tactful about those particular things. I remember working with him years ago, because he wants to grow, he wants to get to the next level, he wants that next promotion, and he just feels like he’s stuck. And the worst part is that he’s got somebody that’s kind of not as smart and is mediocre that he has to work underneath. And you don’t know when that’s going to end. You just have faith that it’s going to end at some point.

And so a big part of life and being successful at everything is having the patience to endure when things aren’t going your way. Having the patience to stay single and not just settle for somebody that’s mediocre, because your fear of missing out, fear that you’re never going to find anybody better. Or putting up with a toxic peer group. If you grew up with a bunch of guys, you’ve known each other, but none of them have any real expectations of success and are not doing anything to try to become successful. And then you want to get beyond that particular peer group and make new friends, but it’s just easy because they’ve always been around.

Because most people settle. I mean, all you’ve got to do is go outside and look around. Look at the average person on the street. In America, 74% of Americans are either overweight or obese. And I remember 30 plus years ago, 40 years ago, especially like when I see video and pictures from people in the eighties when I was growing up, most people were thin. And now, it’s like everybody is super sized. I mean, that’s just three decades that society completely changed.

Most people are living lives of quiet desperation. Most people tend to major and minor things in life. And so, despite all the success this guy has had, and the women that he’s met in the meantime, he’s still thinking about that one toxic ex. There’s lots of great things that he enjoyed about her and the connection, but she’s got a major character flaw.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey,

I hope everything’s going well. I’m reaching out because recently a former lover of mine has unblocked me on all social platforms. We had a relationship, a toxic one at that, that ended a couple years ago and of course this was before, when I knew little about women. Now I’m better versed on them and their mindsets, however, I’m no expert.

You’ve got to participate in your own rescue, dude. You’ve got to read the book and learn the fundamentals, or you’re going to be one of those dudes that I’m ripping on because he’s making stupid mistakes. I don’t know how long you’ve been following me. I don’t know if you’ve read the book or not. Maybe you’re trying to cherry pick in videos, which they can be helpful and you’ll get some attainable success, but you’re not going be able to sustain it.

Anyway, let’s cut to the chase. She was the only one that I have really loved hard and had strong feelings for. This was when I was a weaker man, as I was just getting started in my career and my love life really, as I was 23/24 during that time period.

If he says a couple of years ago, I’ve got to assume he’s 26, 27 at this point. So it’s two or three years later.

Now, since the relationship ended, I’ve started my own company and am making 6 figures and enjoying myself. I have been on quite a few first dates since, but nobody WOWS me, so things just fizzle out.

Yeah. The other thing is, if you’re just not that into the girl, it’s hard to come up with things to even want to talk about, because you can feel a lack of desire. You feel a lack of motivation. You’ve got to stay true to what you want and what you believe. You’ve got to always, as a man, focus on your outcome. That includes your professional life, which he seems to be doing a good job of that. But the personal life, if you know the person’s toxic, it’s not your job to go back and to fix them, just because you’ve got money or just because you got “3% Man.”

You can’t fix somebody that doesn’t want to be fixed. It’s like trying to get an alcoholic to become sober when they don’t see anything wrong and they have no desire to get sober. Or a drug addict, for that matter. If you look at the homeless problem, especially because California’s in the news, it’s always a problem, they go and they interview those people and they would rather just do drugs and be on the streets all day. They’re fine with that. They don’t want anything more than that. They don’t have the desire to better themselves.

You’re not going to help somebody that’s not interested in helping themselves. And you’re not going to take somebody who’s got a character flaw and fix them. Especially by the time they’re an adult, this is who they are. This is what their family made them into. And you, as a self-reliant human being, have to see reality as it is. You’ve got to see, how are they? Do they keep their word? Is she easygoing, easy to get along with? Does she communicate well? Is she loyal? Is she faithful?

Does she do things because she cares about us and our relationship, and she would never want to do something that would cause me to question what she’s doing or who she’s with, or does she just not give a damn? That’s part of dating and vetting. And sometimes you’re going to date somebody and you’re going to really click with them. And then you break up, because there’s things you just can’t get past.

I did ask her why she unblocked me, and she said because every time she would go block somebody, I was the first one on the list and she felt it was time for me to be free. And “the block list is just a way of keeping peoples information.”

It’s compartmentalization. I mean, typically what happens, you end up getting blocked either because, A) she’s pissed off at you because she’s hurt, or B) you’ve pestered her, and you’ve been chasing her, and begging her to give you another chance, or you’ve just been so obnoxious, she wants to prevent you from interacting with her at all. Sometimes they do it punitively just to punish you. And like I said, at other times, it’s like you badger her. Maybe that’s what happened here. It sounds like he may have badgered her, but at the end of the day, she’s got no integrity anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.

I guess I’m reaching out to get an understanding on why she would unblock me and what comes after this?

Well, it’s been 2 to 3 years, so if she’s unblocking you, then typically she’s potentially open to talking to or reaching out. Or maybe she’s creeping your social media at this point. Maybe she went through a bad breakup. Or maybe she went out with a couple of guys, met a lot of guys over the last few years, and hasn’t met anybody she really clicked with. And maybe she just wanted to see what you’re up to. The point being is the the reason why the block goes away is they’re more open than they were. It doesn’t mean they want to get back together or anything. It’s possible, but she’s probably wanting to see what you’re up to.

Here’s a little bit of background on everything. She loved to go out every night, and I didn’t. She would go to the bars and take her guy friend home at 2:00-3:00 am, and when I’d say to stop, she wouldn’t because it was “controlling.”

So, she obviously had a lot of male orbiters and a lot of dudes. And this guy, obviously, is a successful guy, and he was probably striving back then when he was younger to get somewhere. You’re in a relationship with your girlfriend, and she’s going out to the clubs and the bars until 2:00, 3:00 in the morning and partying with her guy “friends.” You know, “Oh, you don’t have to worry about him, because he’s just a friend,” until “Oops! His dick ended up inside of me, and then it just happened,” which is typical.

A woman who’s loyal, who is family oriented, and who would never want you to think anything is going on, if she wants to go out and party, she’s going to make sure you’re there. And if you’re in a relationship, she’s going to be hanging out with you, not going out with her friends and partying until 2:00, 3:00 in the morning and hanging out with these male orbiters that obviously want to sleep with her. A woman who has integrity, who’s loyal, is just simply not going to do those things because she’s happy. And so, that would be indicative of the fact that she wasn’t really into the relationship or into him, so she was acting like a single girl. Because in her mind, she was still single. And so, notice what happens…

She ended the relationship, and of course I pressed her on the situation a few weeks after, and she said that she had started sleeping with that friend she was giving rides.

So, he had every reason to be suspicious of the guy friend, because this is why guys don’t like this. This is why guys don’t like their girls going out and basically acting like they’re single and hanging out with a bunch of dudes, going, “Oh, he’s just a friend.” And you know, those guys are hanging out because they’re hoping to get their shot. And if she’s complaining, “Oh, my boyfriend’s controlling, he’s this, he’s that,” and then this guy is out with her saying, “Oh, yeah. He’s insecure, he’s soft, he’s a pussy,” whatever it happens to be. He’s talking shit about you. And as soon as you break up with her, they’re already hanging out and getting drunk, “Oops! It just happened.”

It may have been happening before, but the reality is, if you’re with a woman who values loyalty, monogamy, being in a relationship, family, she’s just not going to do these things. Girls that belong to the streets, that are the type of girls you can’t trust, they’re not going to see anything wrong with it. And like this girl said, “You’re controlling.” She wants to act like she’s single. So, more than likely, at that point in the relationship, she wasn’t that into it anyway.

But if you look at her behavior, it’s like, what would change now? You can say, “Well, she’ll grow out of the partying stage. Maybe she’s not doing it as much,” but the issue is integrity. Character is destiny. What in her character did show? She’s hanging out with all these guys, and this guy, even at 22, 23 was insightful enough to say, “there’s probably something going on there.” Because if your girl is loyal and you’re in a relationship, she’s not going to be going out partying at the club. If you’re in a relationship and the girl is going out partying with a girlfriend, in her mind, she thinks she’s single and she’s open to meeting somebody else or something happening. That’s not what a good, loyal girlfriend is going to do. And that’s who she is. As Maya Angelou said, “When somebody shows you who they are or tells you, believe them the first time.”

There were other things, but I think the main thing is that she couldn’t submit, which I could understand if I was just an average guy back then.

Thank you for your time!

Bob

You can tell his mindset. He’s thinking, “Hey, I’ve got money now. I’m not just an average guy, I’m somebody. I’m making six figures. So, since I’m a better dude, if I give her another chance, she won’t do those things to me anymore.” And what you saw in the past was when her interest is low, how does she operate? Because, at the end of the day, you get to ebb and flow. I mean, the longer you’re together, women are going to have feelings that go up, and they go down. And if she’s a good loyal woman, if she’s pissed at you, or she’s upset, or maybe there’s some distance, she’s just not going to go out and do these kinds of things. She’s going to focus on the relationship and try to work things out. Women that have no integrity, are going to go out and party.

But to think that now, because you’re successful and you’ve got more money, that she’ll treat you better and she’ll be loyal, she’ll only treat you better and be loyal as long as she’s happy and she’s in love. But when you slip up, this is who she is – partying and hanging out with guy “friends” until 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning. And this is part of the the vetting process when you date. So, even if you go back to her, she might be a little more mature. I would hope she’s a little more mature in 2 to 3 years. But the reality is, it’s not very loyal. It doesn’t show much character.

I wouldn’t want to get involved with somebody that treated me this way, because this just shows, when you’re not around, how she’s going to behave, especially when she’s not that happy. She’ll just line up somebody else. There are basically two types of women in the world. There is the kind of women that you date and you casually hook up with and you have fun with, but you don’t have a family with. And there’s other women that are more family oriented, and they’re not going to be sleeping around. They’re not going to be the town bicycle or the town moped, if you will. A moped will get you to where you want to go, but you don’t want anybody to see you on it.

So, like I said, this is the girl for when you’re in the party phase, and you want to hook up, and you want to have some fun. But this is not somebody you want to be in a relationship with if you’re thinking about starting a family. And it’s great that there are both kinds of women in society. There always have been these kinds of women in society. You could argue that there’s more of them now if you look at the numbers, how many people are getting married, how many people are getting divorced.

I was looking at the stats the other day. It was showing, out of guys that are 30 and under, it’s like a third of them haven’t even had sex and they’re not having sex. It’s like, what? I mean, the curve just spikes up over the last 10-15 years, which is pretty interesting. So, people make the argument, “Oh, it’s the Only Fans girls. It’s the the access to online porn, all the drugs that are being prescribed in society.” And then, you’ve got the cultural issues that are going on. It’s made a mess of a lot of things, statistically.

And so, as a man in our current age here, you really have to consider what it is you’re looking for. Because girls like this are fun to party with and hook up with, (you should always wear a raincoat), but this is not somebody you want have a family with. And just because you made money or you got “3% Man” does not fix her character flaw.

So, if she reaches out or if you wanted to get together with her, you could always ask her out, but this girl is not going to be loyal to you, dude. She’ll just go back to the same behavior. And even if she’s not going out to the club until 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning, she’s going to be going to happy hour with some of the guys from the office, or whatever, and hanging out with them, or going over to somebody’s house. And the bottom line is she’s going to put herself in situations where there’s other dudes giving her attention, and she obviously likes that.

She was in a relationship with you, but she was constantly inviting attention from other men. It doesn’t matter whether she was happy or not at that point in the relationship. The bottom line was she was in a relationship and had committed to this particular guy, but she didn’t honor it. And since she didn’t honor her commitment, this is who she is. She’s somebody that doesn’t keep her word. She says one thing and does another. And that’s the bottom line. It’s not your job to fix or save her. It’s just to see it as it is.

If you want to hook up and have some more fun with her, the danger of you getting involved with somebody like this is that you just stick around. Because now you’re like, “Oh, it’s been two, three years, and I haven’t found anybody that made me feel the same way. Now that I’ve got some money and I’m more successful, I’ve got some swagger, I’ve read Corey’s stuff, now things are going to be different.” It’s like, nope. That’s not how it works in the real world. Character is destiny.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge, maybe you’ve got a situation like this and your heart’s telling you one thing, your head is telling you another, and you’re talking to your friends and your family, and all you’re doing is getting confusing opinions and you just want the bottom line from yours truly, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session.