My Ex Is Seeing Me & Another Guy, But Doesn’t Want A Relationship. How To Win Her Back?

How to win your ex back if she’s seeing you & another guy but doesn’t want a relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped last summer by being jealous, needy, neurotic and unattractive. He has been seeing her off and on and she’s also seeing another guy, but doesn’t want a relationship.

He asks how to win her back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, as I’ve said many, many, many, many times over the years, you never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. Most of the time when guys come to me, because women typically do the dumping and the breaking up about 75% of the time, after they got dumped, they basically continued to pursue and to chase to the point where they get friend-zoned, they get ghosted or they’re just kind of stuck in limbo. If the woman you were dating dumped you unilaterally, well she messed it up. Therefore, it’s her job to fix things.

From that point forward, like I talk about in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, the article and video that I wrote many years ago, it’s on my website, the cornerstone of the principles, if you’re in a situation like this and you’re trying to get an ex back is that your pursuit of her is over forever. She messed it up. Therefore, she’s got to fix it. She has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. So obviously this guy saying, “Hey, how do I win her back?” But that’s completely the opposite type of mindset because he tried fixing things, he wanted to stay together and she still broke up with him. Therefore, in that case, you move on. You read the book, you start applying it, you start meeting and dating other women.

If you’re a guy that’s relatively new to my work, it’s essential that you read the book and apply it, because if you’re in a situation where you haven’t talked to her in a few weeks or a few months and you’re in no-contact, if she does reach back out, you want her to find a more confident version of you, a guy that’s got better game, a guy that’s more attractive or that behaves more attractive. Hopefully by then you’ve got some other choices and some other options so you’re not going to be so inclined to try to jump back into a relationship with her. You’ll actually be in the right mindset. When you have other choices and other options, it’s much easier to let her try to win you back over than you trying to convince her to give you another chance because again, she ruined it. She’s got to fix it.

In these cases, you should never call or text for any reason. If she reaches out, you assume she wants to see you. You invite her over to make dinner at your place in the evening. No lunch dates, no coffee dates, no meeting or on neutral ground, no brunches, none of that stuff, because oftentimes when guys have gotten stuck, especially if they got friend-zoned, which I believe he mentions in here that she tried to friend-zone him at one point, is that if you invite her over for dinner, then she says, “Let’s do lunch or coffee,” then you agree that you’re basically going and doing something that’s platonic, women know that if they’re making a date with you in the evening to make dinner at your place, sex and romance is on the table. If you really displayed a lot of weakness and unattractive qualities before you got dumped in the past, she’s still going to probably think you’re kind of soft. If she can get you to cave and go do something on her terms and go to her, meet her for lunch, coffee or whatever, and doing platonic things, whether you realize it or not, even though you’ve told her you’re not interested in just being friends, your actions show you’re OK with being friends because you’re doing platonic things this way. By having the woman come into your place for three evening dates in a row, when she reaches out first all three times, as long as you hang out, you have fun, you hook up all three times, then you can meet her out and pick her up and go on other dates with her. If she’s outside of your house, she’s got to be the one to initiate them. It has to be her idea.

Oftentimes, guys in these situations where the woman breaks no contact and starts coming back after a couple of weeks of hooking up, the guy wants to try to move things along a lot quicker to get back into a relationship. He starts pursuing her. Then as he does that, she starts to pursue less. Then it gets to the point where she becomes unsure of herself, she’s hard to lock down to a commitment to get together for a date. Again, when you’ve been dumped or friend-zoned, she has to do all the calling, texting and pursuing from there on out. It’s got to be her idea again, because she’s the one that’s got to win you back. She’s got to be the one to make the effort, because in these cases, it’s counterproductive for you to restart pursuing her when she starts to come back, because what you’ll notice is as you start to pursue her again, she’ll start to back off more because you’re just not giving her enough time and space to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you.

At the end of the day, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. As Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” These guys usually get rejected because they smothered her to the point where she lost all romantic feelings and didn’t want to be with them anymore. Therefore, she felt like she was losing her freedom, she was being smothered. When you give her that space, when you don’t hear from her, you don’t talk to her, you don’t see her for a few days, her feelings start to bubble back up. Then when her feelings bubble back up and her interest goes back up, then she reaches out and then you just make the next date. It’s pretty simple that way, but it’s hard to do when you really care, because you’re basically playing a game of chicken, who’s going to turn first? If you’ve been too soft and weak in the past and you start caving and going along with her agenda, then that shows that you’re not really man enough to stand up for yourself and what you want.

Women are attracted to confidence in guys. If you fold like a cheap deck chair, as soon as she backs you into a corner, she tries to intimidate you a little bit or you’re afraid if you don’t accept agree to a lunch date or a coffee date that you’ll never, ever see her again, then what ends up happening is you agree to those things, then months and weeks go by and you’re just kind of stuck in limbo land while you basically become a backup plan while she sees if things are going to progress with the other guy, because for women, they care about how they feel about you, not what a great dude you are or your history together. Now you have an advantage because typically you had more time with the girl if she’s starting to date somebody else, if you start pursuing her when there’s another guy in the background, you literally chase her into his arms, especially if his game is tighter than yours.

With that in mind, let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Dear Corey, 

First, I want to thank you for your time and knowledge, you are by far, the best coach with no BS indeed! Currently on my third read of your book, but I have followed you since 2022. I know, poor student, poor results.

Well, I mean when you factor in that, if you put the audio-book on two-speed and you follow along in a digital or physical copy, it will really force your brain to concentrate on the material and learn it, and you can get through it in four hours or under four hours if you put it on two-speed. So to follow me for two, three years now, at this point and you barely got through the book twice, it’s like, as he says, “Poor student, poor results.” He should have learned this by now to where he wasn’t making these kinds of mistakes, but obviously it’s helpful for everybody else watching these videos. Those that maybe don’t know as well, they’re new, or it’s just a reminder because your situation is slightly different from theirs. There’s always different wrinkles, there’s cultural differences. Sometimes where they live, there’s kids involved, there’s other guys involved, sometimes there’s not. There’s just all kinds of wrinkles. No two situations are exactly 100% alike.

So here’s my situation: I (24, male) was together with my girlfriend (23, female) for three and a half years. In the beginning, I didn’t pursue her at all. I was even a little bit distant towards her.

Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. So in the beginning, he was doing everything right, whether he realized it or not. The relationship was her idea. She pursued him. Women like it better and they like you more if they have to work for you. They like a guy that is a challenge. That’s just the bottom line. Even though you might get a room of women together and asking this, they go, “Oh no, I like a guy to pursue me. I want to be smothered.” Well it’s true that the guy starts the courtship off, but if you meet a girl through work, through mutual friends or whatever, and you exchange numbers and she’s really into you and your friends or your coworkers have built you up to her, she’ll start calling and texting you more. Just because this is innate in women. Women are innately created to be this way. They know us guys are visual creatures. Therefore, they go out of their way to get our attention. They typically won’t, for the most part, ask us out on dates, but they will call, they will text. The woman’s favorite pick up line is, “Heyyy!” But when you get those kinds of messages or phone calls, you assume she wants to see you and you make a date. It’s up to you. Definite date, definite time, definite place to get together.

In this case, when you’ve been dumped, you’re willing to see her, but she’s got to come to you and to your place on your terms because you already tried going to her and all that did was get you blue balls, get you stuck in friend zone or get you outright rejected and sometimes ghosted. So she’s starting to come back, she’s got to come to you on your terms. You want her to submit to you after all. You want her to be flexible and to go along with your agenda. You’re the man. You’re supposed to be the leader. You’re supposed to be more masculine than she is. That’s why when you act unsure, you’re indecisive and you don’t make definite plans and definite dates, you’re basically acting like a chick. Women want you to know what to do and just to make things happen so they can show up, look hot and get seduced.

We used to see each other often at the gym, back in 2021, but I wasn’t looking for anything serious. She started to pursue me, even though she was bombarded with messages from many other men, including her ex-boyfriend. She called me several times to her house, but I wasn’t interested as I was a virgin too, but eventually I went to her house. The sex was amazing those months!

Well, it’s always fun when you’ve never had it and you fantasize about it, and then you finally start getting some regular pussy. It’s a good time to be young. It’s a good time in your life.

So after seeing her for a few months, she wanted us to be in a relationship, and I realized I was doing the HHH’s and gave her space naturally.

See, it was all her idea, and she was all over him like white on rice. See how that works? She just did this naturally. This is how women are. Most guys never get to see this side of women, or if they do, it doesn’t last very long because they start to pursue too much.

So in that time, I really was acting masculine, and she loved that I was CALM and CHARMING with her.

Yeah, the relationship was her idea. She had an ex-boyfriend in the background and he was a challenge, he was hard to figure out, he was mysterious, she had to work to get him. It’s the best place for a woman to be. She’ll be the happiest, she’ll be the nicest, she’ll be the most submissive, she’ll be the most flexible, easygoing and easy to get along with. That’s what you want.

That was my first serious relationship, and about a year later, we moved in together (Or should I say that I moved to her apartment). I slowly became jealous over small things, controlling behavior, we often argued (I know, men don’t argue with women) and not courting her at all and even made her cry few times by being super hysterical and neurotic.

The opposite of being masculine and calm, because masculinity is calm. Feminine energy is chaos. When you behave hysterical and neurotic, you’re acting like a girl, so it ruins the sexual polarity. That applies in lesbian and gay relationships as well. You act too similar, the feelings it elicits in the girl or the feminine essence, is being unattracted, and she starts to see you as just like buddies, pals and roommates, not lovers.

Basically, I was treating her poorly, arguing a lot and I wasn’t in my masculine core anymore, so she finally dumped me this summer, when she was back in our hometown. She’s a med student and I couldn’t get back to my hometown as I was on my first job as an road engineer. So that means we saw each other much less frequently. She had started to become colder and distant with me slowly, as I continued to over pursue her and not give her space as I needed to, and she started to follow new dudes on Instagram and even let them message her.

So all this is the result because he stopped acting like the guy that she fell in love with. He basically became another chick.

She moved out with her two girlfriends this autumn, and me too with two random strangers to another apartment. 

From June until now, she still reached out to me often, but the messages got colder and colder overtime and we had sex just a few times. I tried to give her space and let her come to me, but I made several mistakes during those months such as showing up at her place at night to stalk her (I know, LOL)…

Yeah, when you get dumped, you got to let her come to you. It’s got to be her idea. So the fact that it’s been six months, this is why you don’t chase after her, because even though he hooked up with her a few times, it’s like he was willing to hold out for a period of time and going in no-contact. Then when he couldn’t take it anymore, he reached back out. Sometimes she would agree to see him, they would hook up, but for the most part, he’s stuck in limbo and you imagine wasting six months of your life. Whereas if he would have followed what was in my book and 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back to a T, he would have probably already gotten back together with her in two to three months.

So what happens is when you continue to pursue like this, when you’re in no-contact, you get in the way of her feelings developing. Women need time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you and to miss you. When you’re trying to get a girl back, I know it’s counterintuitive, but you have to let her do all the pursuing, because when you don’t, this is what you end up with, it’s hard to move on with your life, it’s hard to focus on your work when the question is always in your mind, “Is she or isn’t she going to come back? Is she going to be mine again, or am I going to lose her to somebody else? She was really excited to see me a couple of weeks ago, but last weekend it seemed like she didn’t even care that I existed.”

Just imagine the emotional and the mental energy that you waste thinking about this and putting yourself in this situation. I mean, this was dragged on for six months, whereas if he had just acted the way he did when he first met her, she’d have been doing all the pursuing, he’d have felt confident and she slowly would have come back and then wanted to get back together and they would have been back together by now, but he couldn’t control himself because it’s the fear of the unknown. Every guy has to deal with this. I wrote about it in my book. There’s a wall of fear that us guys have to get through so we can get to that sweet spot between pursuing too much and not enough. In this particular case, it’s not doing anything when us guys are all about purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, breaking through barriers, taking action to make things happen.

It’s counterintuitive when it comes to women, because in these cases, you really you can’t do anything. You have to wait to hear from her. Then when and if you do, you make a date. She’s reaching out to you. It’s her idea. Nine times out of 10, she’ll make the date and she’ll definitely keep it because she was the one reaching out to you, because it was her idea. When you’re reaching out to her, sometimes she’ll keep it, but more often than not, she’ll flake, jerk you around or push it off. So it’s better to let women come to you at their pace, especially when you’re the one that’s been dumped because of needy, neurotic, over-pursuing type of behavior and basically acting like a chick, which is what this guy did.

…Being super jealous over other guys she engaged with, being needy and pathetic sometimes, tried to call her out for dinner, etc.

So he’s pursuing her and on top of that, he’s acting like a bitch when he gets around her.

Now here’s the other problem: One rich dude sent her multiple flowers to her door, and that’s how they started to talk. It’s been almost two months and she told me that he’s picking her up from university to her home, he’s taking her for night car rides, and buying her even more gifts. 

Well, as you pursue a woman like this, you literally will chase her into this other dude’s arms.

Last Saturday, I reached out and called her to my home…

Again, he shouldn’t have been reaching out to her, but he did.

…And we had sex, but she didn’t want to kiss me!

So does that sound like fun? I mean yeah you get a release, but you might as well be fucking a sex robot. It’s kind of degrading and demeaning to yourself to be with your girl. She’ll fuck you, but she won’t let you kiss her because that is too intimate. So it just shows you that her interest is low, even though she was still willing to see him and hook up. It’s almost like he’s got a mercy fuck from her. You don’t want a girl to take pity on you and fuck you because she’s got pity. That’s pathetic. You got to have some self-respect.

I tried not to ask many things about that other guy and kept things fun even though she was still distant towards me.

Yeah, because you’re pursuing her. You’re not letting her come to you.

She told me that we are different and don’t fit as a couple and that I can date other women.

And that’s why you should, because she’s dating this other guy, obviously. Who knows? Maybe there’s other dudes she’s talking to, because what she’s looking for is somebody that acts masculine consistently, and you’re definitely not doing that. The fact that you keep chasing her and you have not disengaged completely, again that’s why six months later, even though you had sex, she wasn’t willing to kiss you. She basically gave you a pity fuck. That’s not really a victory.

Then that night, I drove her home and she told me that we can go for car rides in the upcoming holiday. I’ve then told her to reach out when she’s missing me. She reached out hours later but as always, with something casual, something random as always…

Well as the book says, which this guy really hasn’t read that much, if a woman reaches out, you assume she wants to see you. This is why you let her do 100% of the reaching out. When you do hear from her, you just make a date. When you go on those dates, she’ll be much more excited to see you, she’ll kiss you, she’ll be more passionate and it’ll feel like she’s actually present and there with you instead of being with her. She won’t even let you kiss her. I mean come on, that’s kind of humiliating.

My question is, how to get her back?

Well, that’s the wrong question to be asking. In other words, what can you do to create the conditions to where she’s trying to win you back? Because you’re in the total wrong mindset. You are not following what I teach at all, dude. You’re holding back a little bit, but at the end of the day, you’re still pursuing her, begging and pleading with her for attention and validation while she hangs out with some other guy.

She’s still reaching out sometimes with small casual things…

Again, that’s why you shouldn’t reach out at all, because those small casual things, if she’s reaching out, you assume she wants to see you and then invite her over and make a date, hang out, have fun, hook up.

…But when I reply, she leaves me on “read” for days.

Again, this is why you pursuing her or initiating contact is counterproductive. That’s what she does. She knows she can have you. There’s nothing mysterious. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. She knows what she gets with you. You’re very predictable and boring. That’s why she’s hanging out with this other guy, to see where it goes and see what happens with her feelings.

She tried to friend-zone me, but I’ve told her multiple times that I don’t want to be friends…

So if she says, “Hey, let’s just be friends,” just say, “Well, we can be friends with benefits. I’m cool with that, but I’m not going to be just platonic friends with you.”

…But we can be friends with benefits.

OK, so he did say that. That’s the right response, so good job on that.

Also, she told me that she doesn’t want any romantic relationship, yet she’s seeing that other guy and more than likely she’s more invested in him than me at this point.

Again, that’s why it’s counterproductive for you to continue chasing her. I teach what I teach because I did all this stuff that you’ve done. I learned the hard way that it doesn’t work, but if you want to try to reinvent the wheel and try to prove me wrong, it’s like, how does this feel? How does it feel to know that she’s going and hanging out with another guy and she’s not choosing you? She’s willing to hook up with you, but it’s not her idea. It’s not her choice. That’s why you got to back off completely and let her do all the calling, texting and pursuing, and you should be dating other women. She’s even told you to do that.

My intuition tells me that she likes to have me as her back-up plan…

Yep, because you’re doing it.

…And maybe I should tell her to leave me alone…

I wouldn’t do that because you’re still hooking up.

…So I can move on, or just to stick with the HHH method.

Well again, stop fucking pursuing her. Follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Simple as that.

She’s reaching out to you. The problem is that you’re getting in the way of her feelings and her attraction for you growing because you keep reaching out. In other words, it’s like a game of chicken and you keep caving, and every time you cave, you’re pushing off her feelings returning into the future. As you keep doing that, you’ll stay in limbo, and eventually some other dude will come along that has tight game and she’ll end up gravitating towards him and then eventually disappear from your life completely, or then tell you, “Hey, I’m serious with somebody else. We can’t see each other anymore.” So if you like that outcome, well then keep pursuing her and I guarantee you it will happen eventually.

But the problem is she’s seeing that other guy and it’s hard to let her go, as she’s stunning, will be a great doctor, great family and was fun to be with. Maybe I should date and sleep with other women…

Yep, she even told you to do that.

…Just to not be desperate to win her back.

Thank you for your time and can’t wait for your response!

Bob

Exactly! One is no choice. Two is a dilemma. Three is a proper choice. If you had at least two other girls you were talking to and hanging out with, you’d feel a lot better, and it would give you girls to practice this stuff with. So as the weeks and months go by, each time your ex-girlfriend interacts with you, she finds a cockier, more charming, more playful, more masculine version of you, and that will cause her to gravitate towards you and to test the shit out of this other guy.

Quite frankly, from what you shared, it sounds like his game is not much better than yours, and that’s why she’s kind of bouncing back and forth between the two. It almost sounds like she’s hanging out with the other guy because he buys her stuff, but he doesn’t seem to be getting anywhere, which can work to your advantage, but if you keep pursuing her, this is the problem when you do that, because she’s going to be attracted to whoever stimulates her emotions the most. When you keep breaking no-contact, you’re interrupting her feelings returning to what they used to be like when you first started dating. When you first started dating, you did everything perfect. She did all the pursuing. You need to return to being that way, and her attitude will completely change and she’ll suddenly find more time to see you and spend time with you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.