My Ex Reaches Out, But Keeps Trying To Friend Zone Me. What Can I Do?

What you can do after a breakup when your ex keeps trying to friend zone you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email update from a viewer who I answered a previous newsletter for. He dumped his ex because she kept trying to friend zone him. She reaches out and keeps mentioning being friends first or doing group dates before anything romantic could happen. Now her brother has invited him for a poker night. He wonders what he can do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne, and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “My Ex Reaches Out, But Keeps Trying To Friend Zone Me. What Can I Do?”.

Well, this particular email I answered a Video Newsletter for this guy about a month ago. I think it was, “Do This If She Breaks No Contact…”. And so in that particular email, she was not making the effort and he wasn’t happy about it. And eventually he just got frustrated and broke things off; walked away. But she’s reaching out and she’s trying to get him to do group dates or, “Hey, let’s get together with this couple and do this thing.” And she’s saying, “Well, you know, before I’d want to date you again, or get romantically involved, I’d want to build a solid foundation of friendship first and then date.” So when a woman says friends first, or friendship first, what she’s really saying is she thinks you’re a bitch and that you’ll acquiesce to being her emotional tampon, or gay male girlfriend, or her therapist. Or her backup plan, her Harry Honda, if you will. And it’s important that you not agree to that, because if you start hanging out with a woman that says friends only, she’s probably going to be hanging out and dating and hooking up with guys that are not in friend zone. But you’ll be the backup in case it doesn’t work out. And all that does is end up getting you frustrated. So this is part of where negotiation comes into play. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And if your girlfriend or a girl you’re dating is saying friends only or something platonic, always respond with, “Well, I’m down with for friends and benefits, but I’m not going to just be strictly friends with you.” And if she keeps trying to do it, You gotta reiterate, “Look, I’ve been very clear. We’re obviously not on the same page. So unless you’re interested in seeing me romantically, I don’t want to hear from you again. I want to be able to heal and move on with my life. So you need to let me go. And because I’m just not interested in anything platonic. You can ask me 60 times and I’m gonna still tell you no 60 times.” So this, this latest one, she reached out. So this is like, he sent probably four different emails with little snippets as though a couple weeks went by.

Viewer Email:

I said, “Hey would be nice to see you again, why don’t you come over for dinner at my place.”

She replied, “Hey nice to hear from you, this was unexpected. I had prepared myself for all or nothing. It would be really nice just a little uncertain and wondering what changed?”

This is after he had dumped her.

I said, “No big changes, thought it would be nice to meet for a pleasant evening with some good food are you available next weekend?”

She said, “Okay I’m really busy actually next weekend, I’m going to be helping my father at the local marked among other things. I might be available Sunday evening. If not we are going to have to do it another weekend. Come to the market if you like.

She sent a follow up 1 hour later, “I’m going to be trying to sell some bowties also.”

I replied, “Sounds good. Sunday might work, let me know if you can make it, otherwise well do it some other weekend, good luck with the bowties.”

It’s been 11 days now and no word. I sent her the dinner invitation three weeks after she came over with my stuff looking really good. I’m worried I wanted to long and that the ship has already set sail.

Well, another thing is, you’ll see he breaks No Contact after she hadn’t replied. And so that’s kind of part of the problem. He wasn’t really willing to stick to his guns and hold out. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And you have to mean it. You can’t if you don’t hear from her for a couple of days or a couple of weeks, freak out and start chasing her, because if she’s offering you friendship and you said no, and then you don’t hear from her for two weeks, and then you start chasing her, then she’s going to think you’re acquiescing to friendship only. And it just cements you further in it and makes it harder to get out of it.

I’m getting a positive vibe from her response, but unsure if I should wait for her to send me a text or if I should text her one last time in a week or so to make dinner together letting her know that I’m open to seeing her again and us continuing what we had. What do you think?

So this is, in other words, he hasn’t heard from her. So now “The Illusion Of Action” is kicking in and he’s thinking, “Well, I should double text her.”

Hey Coach,

Just thought I’d add a few notes and my take on the situation. I know I was the one who broke up with her, but she tried to friendzone me when we broke up. Does this affect my approach regarding the 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back? Do I follow the steps if I was the one who dumped her or do I follow the steps if she tried to friend zone me, or an altered approach in this specific situation?

Well again, in this particular case, she’s offering you friendship and blue balls so you don’t pursue somebody that’s offering you that. You tell her no thank you, hit you up if you change your mind. Or if she’s, you know, adamant on friends, just say, “Hey, I’m down for friends with benefits, but I’m not going to just do something platonic with you. I’m not interested in that. Never been interested in that. And I’m just, it’s not going to happen.” So if she reiterates, “Well, that’s all I can offer.” Just say, “Well, you’ve got my number, hit me up if you change your mind. Otherwise, you know, I wish you all the best. Take care.”

I did not go to the market, as that would give some of my power away. But her inviting me there and telling me with her double text that she would be selling bowties, seems to me an indication she wants to see me, but feels unsure about seeing me romantically and the lack of communication since.

So again, this is when you have, like in this case, he dumped her, said he was interested in romance, but that she wasn’t willing to give it to him. So he walked away. So she reached out and instead of inviting her over to make dinner. Which actually he did invite her over, but she’s like, “Hey, come see me at the market.” So her dad’s there and she’s there. So basically she’s got a cockblocker. She’s got the market and she’s got her family around her. It’s like nothing romantic is going to happen in that situation. And that’s one of the ways that a woman gets you to agree to friendship, even though you’ve told her no. She’ll offer to do something, but only something platonic can happen. Like in this case, her dad is going to be there. If she’s inviting you on a group date with another couple, well, nothing’s going to happen because there’s a couple there. If a woman’s got a kid, she’ll bring the kid along and want to do a daytime date. So nothing romantic can happen. This is why it’s important to make sure the context of your interaction and your getting together is on your terms. This is why she has to come to your house in the evening and make dinner together. A girl who’s trying to get you to agree to friend zone is going to try to do daytime dates, or group dates or things, or there’s other people around.

As you say, pay attention to what she does, not what she says. Might she just want my attention or does she feel conflicted.

Well, she’s testing you.

Her response indicates to me she feels uncertainty mixed with interest.

Well, at the end of the day, this is why you have to be certain, direct and decisive and not vacillate. Because if you vacillate and you’re unsure and if you start doing what she wants, then you’re acquiescing to her, setting the table, if you will, in the negotiation.

Just my take on things, you also say, if she wanted to see me she would take the time to do so and make the effort.

Yeah, he’s trying to get together with her and she’s offering him other things during the day. “Hey, come see me at the market.” That type of shit.

I got some clarity after messaging her after two weeks of silence. Here is the full conversation.

So he tried to set a date. She wouldn’t. She invites him to the market. He doesn’t hear from her for two weeks Because again, he’s like, “Well, if we can’t get together this weekend, then, you know, hit me up when your schedule changes.” So he didn’t wait for that to happen. He basically double texted. And this is part of the reason why he has not gotten anywhere, because he broke No Contact. He didn’t wait. She’s supposed to do all the reaching out. So even though he dumped her, he dumped her because of her behavior towards him and the fact she was trying to friend zone him. So if you re-engage a pursuit after she reaches back out and then won’t make a date with you, then you’re acquiescing to her, setting the table, her setting the conditions. And so if you’re agreeing to her terms, you’re putting her in charge. And if you put her in charge, the legs are going to be closed.

I said, “Hi, hope you’re doing well. Are you free this weekend?”

She said, “Hi. I’m doing well here, how about you? I got an invite to a Christmas party, but I’m not completely sure I’m going. I’ll figure it out by tomorrow. Would you maybe want to ask Jessica and them if they wanted to join us for some food and board games?”

Jessica and “them” are a couple we used to hang out with.

So these are the cock blockers she wants to get in the way. And he responds appropriately.

I said, “I’m doing well. I was actually thinking more about meeting just the two of us. If that doesn’t work or doesn’t feel right for you, that’s totally fine, just let me know.”

She said, “Nice to hear. I’m not ready to meet to talk through anything, if that was the intention. I am up for, for example, playing board games with Jessica and them.”

I said, “I understand. Then we’re probably not in the same place, and that’s completely fine. I’m not interested in meeting in a group or just as friends. I’m open to giving what we had another chance, but then it has to be just the two of us. If you ever feel differently and want to meet just the two of us, just let me know.”

She said, “Then we’re definitely in different places, yes. I can’t jump back into what we had. For me it would have to start with meeting as friends. Whether feelings develop or not, I can’t answer that. But I know I need a friendship as the foundation before anything else can happen.

So this is part of her again saying, “Hey, how about you agree to my terms? Let me set the table. Let me be the man and the leader.” And if he agrees to that, he’ll get a peck on the cheek. Maybe.

I said, “I understand I’m also not ready to jump straight into a relationship again, but I can’t meet just as friends if there isn’t romantic interest. If you ever feel like exploring the romantic side we had, you know where to find me.”

Well, that last response was the right response. But you should have never broken No Contact. And that’s part of the problem. You gave up a little bit of your leverage and you set things back several weeks. So if her interest is slowly creeping up and you did what you did, and now it’s going the other way. That’s why she’s gone. “Friendship would have to be a strong foundation before I. And if my feelings develop.” It’s like, “Uh, I don’t think so.” If she’s not, “Hell, yeah. I’d love to see you!” In a romantic context. Then you’re not gonna do it. You’re gonna pass. Which he did. He just shouldn’t have broken No Contact.

She just keeps insisting on keeping me in friend zone.

Well, that’s part of the problem is that’s a you issue. You trained her to be that way. You trained her and showed her that you vacillated back and forth. And if she pressured you a little bit, you would cave. So that’s what’s going on here. And plus her interest is really low. That’s why she’s offering you friendship. She likes hanging out with you, but at the end of the day, she’s not feeling romantic or like she wants to sleep with you again.

She just keeps insisting on keeping me in friend zone, but I’m not interested. Her lack of effort towards the end of the relationship wasn’t acceptable then and her lack of change since then is not something I’m interested in.

Well, again, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it, so you have to mean it. You vacillated too much.

She still keeps in touch with our mutual friend and they go to the same activities and meet up and share their hobbies. Thanks for all your advice coach, I’m keeping busy pursuing my career and hobbies and finally know my worth thanks to you. Another update, I know. Her brother invited me to a poker night during the holidays which is two weeks from now.

You see how that works? Now the brother’s involved. So if you want to agree to be friends, you can come over and do a group date with her brother because she’ll probably be there. Where she can control things.

We had a good relationship and were good friends while I was in the relationship, he had kind of acted like my wingman when I first started dating his sister. Asking me if I was single and interested and if I thought she was hot. My ex is also invited, not really sure what to make of this.

Well, if it was me, I would just say, “Hey, not going to be able to make it, you know, I really appreciate the invite. You know, maybe some other time.”

By the way, English is not my first language, it’s Norwegian. So the translations may seem a bit awkward in our conversations.

Still going through the book and watching your videos.

Keep up the good work.

Bob

Well, I would look at, you know, the brother inviting you to do something, probably she put him up to it. So again, this is women are very clever. You won’t agree to be friends. Well, maybe you’ll come over and hang out with the brother and a friend type context, and then she’ll just happen to be there. So if it was me, I wouldn’t go hang out and play poker with the brother. Because if you’re trying to move on and she really isn’t going to change her attitude, and yet you hang out with their family, that’s emotional torture for yourself. Because again, I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and it’s hard. You hang out with their family and their friends and then she’s kind of around or in the background and you’re wanting to get together with her, but now you’re acquiescing to her setting the terms of your interactions. Because if you tell her you’re only willing to get together with you and her in a romantic context, and then you agree to hang out with her brother knowing she’s going to be there. Well, all she did was put a middleman in there to get you to agree to it. So if it was me, I wouldn’t go to the poker night with the brother. Even if you’ve already agreed, I would say, “Hey, sorry, something came up. I’m not going to be able to make it, but I appreciate the invite.” And then I would continue No Contact. I wouldn’t reach out to her. If she reaches out, invite her over to make dinner. She’ll probably throw the friendship thing in your face again. She says you know, “friendship only” just say, “I’m down for friends with benefits, but I’m not interested in something strictly platonic. Like I’ve told you in the past, if you’re interested in only something platonic and you insist on friendship, I would prefer that you don’t reach out anymore unless your heart changes or unless your feelings change. That way I can move on and you can move on. I’m not going to do limbo land with you if you’re not 100% certain you want to see me romantically, I don’t want to get together, and I don’t want to hear from you. And you need to respect my boundaries.” So you may have to reiterate that to her. I would be surprised if, you know, more than likely, she’ll probably reach out again in a few weeks, and then you’ll get the same song and dance. She’ll come up with some other “Oh, hey, so and so wants us to get together and do this or that.” You know, again, that’s what happens when you kind of dug a hole for yourself. It’s going to be hard to get out of, and you just got to stick to your guns because you went sideways a little bit when you double texted and reached out to her and asked her again when she never responded to your date request. And then what happened was she reiterated the friendship thing, offered a group date, and then now her brother reaches out to you saying, “Hey, let’s play poker. And oh, by the way, my sister’s going to be there.” So she clearly put him up to it. But again, you’ve got to be prepared for this. You’ve got to understand this. Women are going to try 15 different ways to get you to cave and go back into things you say you want. Stick to your guns and don’t agree to do things unless they’re on your terms. Because at the end of the day, you’re the man. You’re the leader.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.