My Ex Saw Me With Another Girl. Now She Says It’s Over for Good. What Now?

Some things to consider if your ex who dumped you saw you with another girl.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who read my book many years ago. After he got dumped by his girlfriend of nine years he’s now read it two more times. He stopped dating and courting her. He started going out with other women and hooking up. His ex saw him with another girl and told a mutual friend she was going to give him another chance, but now she won’t because he was with another woman.

He wonders if he should reach out. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

In this particular email, this guy got dumped by his girlfriend of nine years. He said he only read 3% Man one time, many years ago, I’m assuming like a decade ago, probably, because he’s one of those guys who was lazy. He’s like, “Hey, I got this. No big deal.” So what he admits is that he stopped dating and courting her. He said the last three or four months of their relationship, he says they barely went on any dates at all, and he says he totally took her for granted. She dumped him, broke it off. Even after they had split up, she was like, “It’s over forever. Its done. Move on with your life. We’re never getting back together.” So he does what any good, smart guy does because women do it. He started meeting and dating other women and hanging out, having fun, hooking up and moving on.

Apparently he’s heard through the grapevine that his ex-girlfriend saw him on a date with another girl, so she let the message be known, “Oh, I saw so and so on a date and now that I’ve seen him on a date with another girl, there’s no chance I’m going to ever give him another chance again. It’s totally over this time.” It’s not like they were hanging out or he hadn’t even talked to her, but now he’s thinking, “Oh my God, should I reach out?” Of course we know the answer is, “Hell no!” She dumped you.

As it says in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, if she unilaterally fucks up the relationship by ending it for whatever reason, she wrecked it, she ended it, she said she doesn’t want to go any further. Therefore, it’s up to her to fix it. I would say, more than likely, she’s just doing this to kind of get back at him because it probably roughed up her ego a little bit. She didn’t like the fact that he seemed to be moving on so quickly as she was, and now she’s trying to make him feel bad and feel guilty and manipulate him. At the end of the day, she’s the one that ended the relationship.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

Huge fan of your work and now onto my third read of the book, having previously read many years ago.

Well, I can’t help you if you don’t read it. As, I think, Confucius or Socrates, said, “That book you don’t read can’t help you.”

My girlfriend of nine years wanted a break and left me six weeks ago, it was not totally out of the blue as the signs were there (Arguing more, less effort). I realized straight after she left where I had been going wrong for three months (Barely any dates, taking her for granted).

I done as you taught and went out with my single friends, enjoyed myself and done the hang out, have fun and hook up with other girls. Damn, I was single and I was told that it was over for good. 

All’s fair in love and war. If you’re the prize, you’re the catch and she’s dumb enough to cut you loose after nine years together?

You’re looking for somebody who wants to be with you, who would jump fences to be with you. Not somebody that’s like sitting on the fence and certainly not a girl that tosses you aside or says they want to go on break. When a woman says they want to go on break, that’s a break up. What they’re really saying is, “I want to see if I can find somebody else.” Maybe there’s another guy that she lined up and was talking to, so she wants to go explore things with him, and then she leaves you hanging and makes you think at some point after this break, she’s going to want to come back. In this case, three months have gone by or six weeks, I should say, so it’s a month and a half. Hasn’t heard anything. He’s in no contact.

She told mutual friends that she had seen me out with another girl and before she seen that she was, “Going to tell me,” she wanted to give it another try but I’ve now blown my chances. 

Whatever…

She cut you loose. She broke up with you. Doesn’t matter. You went on break. She put you on break. If she’s stupid enough to cut you loose and let you be single and another prettier girl comes along and takes you away from her, that’s on her. She’s the idiot for cutting you loose.

Do you think I should reach out and try again?

No, you don’t chase somebody that unilaterally ends your relationship. I’m sure you already did that when she wanted to end it. You’re like, “I don’t want to break up. I don’t want to go on break. What are you talking about?” She did it anyways. This was her idea. So now she’s got to live with the consequences of her decision.

I do miss her and love her but I do wonder if I’m being played as if she was going to give things another go then why tell mutual friends but not me?

Thanks man! 

Bob

Well, because it’s clear you’re doing something really stupid. I’ve warned and cautioned about this many times over the course of the years, don’t involve your friends and your social group in your relationship if somebody dumps you. As far as everybody knows, you’re having a great time, you appreciate the memories that you had with your ex, you wish her the best, you’re moving on, especially if she’s telling everybody through the grapevine that it’s definitely over, there’s no way you’re getting back together. Then the next thing you hear is, “Oh, I saw him on a date with somebody,” so it was definitely no chance. She’s just trying to manipulate you. She’s an idiot for letting you cut you loose.

Again, you never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. You wanted to stay in the relationship, she wanted to end it. Therefore, it’s on her. There is absolutely no way in hell you should ever feel guilty, even the slightest, for the fact that another pretty girl came along and wanted to be with you, because obviously it stung. You didn’t want to get dumped. I mean, you spent nine years of your life with this girl, and she tosses you aside like you’re fucking trash. “OK well, you don’t want to try anymore. That’s fine. I’ll find somebody who does want to try,” so you went out and you met somebody new. You hung out, you had fun, you hooked up.

At the end of the day, one thing I would definitely do if I were you is stop telling everybody about your personal fucking business, because it’s not helpful, especially if you’re crying the blues and you’re, “Oh, I miss her so much.” As far as anybody knows, you’re having a good time, you had great memories with her, you’re sad that it’s over, but you’re excited about what the future holds. May the best girl win. That’s your attitude. You want to find the best girl for you that’s going to treat you good, be good to you, good for you and good for your soul. That’s it. Plain and simple. Doesn’t get any more complicated than that.

There’s absolutely no way in hell I would reach out to her. I’d say more than likely, it’s just manipulative. You probably roughed up her ego a little bit. She’s putting you in time out while she goes and gets fucked by other guys, Chad Thundercock, whatever, and she probably had the attitude of, “Well, if I don’t find anybody else, I can always go back to that schmuck.” She doesn’t treat you like a priority. It’s her fucking loss. Tough shit. She’s that dumb to let you go after nine years and another girl comes and snaps you up, it’s her loss. Sorry. Not sorry.

Don’t be sorry. Don’t feel bad. Don’t feel guilty. This is all on her. If somehow she gets in touch and she starts giving you a hard time, it’s like, “You ended the relationship, honey. You told everybody it was over for good, and we’re never getting back together.” “Oh, what? I really didn’t mean it.” “Well, you shouldn’t have said it if you didn’t mean it. That’s on you.” If she does get in touch, you’re going to follow the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. She can be one of the girls you’re fucking. I wouldn’t agree to be in a relationship right away with her. Make her earn you back. She’s the one that fucked up. She’s the one that’s got to be on her best behavior. She’s got to be the one to show that she’s not going to be so quick to tap out and look for the exits next time you guys hit a little bump on the road. I mean, nine years together, and she’s like, “You’re out of here?” I don’t think so. Nope. Doesn’t work. She’s got to earn you. You’re the prize. You’re the catch. Follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. It’s a very simple cut and dry case.

Don’t let her manipulate you or feel guilty, like you have to run after her and chase her. That’s the worst thing you can do when you’ve been dumped. If somebody dumps you, you’re like, “OK well, I’m going to go find somebody else.” As a man, your mission and purpose comes first and foremost. Part of that obviously, is having a good woman who’s loyal, who’s a great teammate. She tapped out. She said she didn’t want to be your teammate despite the fact that you had nine years together, she told everybody you were done, and then, “Oh, now you’re really done because you went out on a date with another girl?” No, I don’t think so.

That’s a little narcissistic on her part to have that kind of an attitude or say those things through the grapevine. The reason she’s telling those friends is because she knows it’s going to get back to you, because you’re obviously involving all your friends and your mutual friends in your personal life. You should shut your fucking mouth. Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. Got to follow what’s in the book, my man. It’s good that you’re reading it again.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.