My Ex Seems To Be Slowly Coming Back. Am I Doing Things Right This Time Around?

What to do if your ex is slowly coming back but you’re unsure if you’re doing things right.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for a few months and read 3% Man four times so far. He got dumped for being a jack-in-the-box instead of the calm centered alpha male she fell in love with. When she came over to get the rest of her stuff they talked and hooked up.

She said she misses him and he’s making progress, but is unsure of where he stands and asks my opinion if he’s doing things right. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who’s been following my work for a few months and he’s been through 3% Man four times so far, and he says he got dumped for being a jack-in-the-box, which was also, I guess apparently the way your father was very emotional, very upset. He said when they first started dating, he was calm, centered and an alpha male, and that’s why she fell in love with him, but over time, he got to the point where he was just an emotional jack-in-the-box, and she never knew what she was going to get with him. It didn’t make her feel safe. Why? Because masculinity is calm. Feminine energy is chaos. What happened was he basically started acting like a chaotic, out of control, all overly emotional woman. That’s not going to make your girl feel safe and she’s going to flee from you, and it’s going to dry her up and she’s not going to like it. What’s interesting is she misses him and he’s making progress, but he’s unsure of what to do. So let’s go through his email, especially for those of you that are trying to rekindle your romance, especially in this case, he recognizes that he was the problem. He was the jack-in-the-box. He drove her away.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I discovered your work few months ago. I am on 5th read of your first book.

Story:

My ex broke up with me. She told me the reason. Basically a jack-in-the-box like her father.

So what is a jack-in-the-box? For those of you who may not have heard, it’s like doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. The guy kind of goes crazy emotionally. He blows his top, he freaks out, sometimes he’s calm, sometimes he loses his shit, which is the opposite of being calm, cool, collected and masculine. When you’re overly emotional, you’re acting like a chick and out of control chick. It ruins the sexual polarity and it doesn’t make a woman feel safe. So instead of being with the rock and the mountain and a guy who’s calm, she’s with an overly emotional, nutty jack-in-the-box. Don’t be a nutty jack-in-the-box. It’s a bad way to go. Again, you got to be calm. Got to keep your shit together. Never let them see you sweat.

In the beginning of the relationship, I was calm, centered and alpha. Then I started freak out over small useless things because I was too focused on my business and stress from it. 

So one of the things I want to say about that is us guys, when life is going well, when our business is going well, our career is going well, our mission and purpose is banging on all cylinders, things are stable. Our revenues are way exceeding our expenses. Those are the times of our life where we’re going to feel more comfortable being in a long term relationship, co-habitating, having a family, those kinds of things, but the more chaotic your business is, the more out of balance your life is, more out of balance or difficult things are at work or if you’re in between jobs because interestingly enough, the number one reason why marriages end in divorce is financial stress.

When guys are struggling financially, they’re going to be more apt to have short term relationships, hookups, fuck buddy, friends with benefits, that kind of relationship, but when things are good and they’re stable for extended periods of time, then you’re going to feel more comfortable being a long term relationship because you’re not getting a lot of stress from your business, your career or your purpose, even though they have it, but when your revenues are exceeding your expenses and things are going well, you’re going to be more inclined to feel comfortable enough to be in a stable, long term relationship. So that’s why guys that are struggling financially, what happens is they tend to withdraw from their relationships, and then they focus on their business or their career or whatever. Then unfortunately, they neglect their relationship, they stopped dating and courting their girlfriend, they don’t make her feel heard and understood and then his relationship starts spiraling out of control.

So this guy allowed what was going on in his business, he was, in other words, bringing home his stress from his business and dumping it on his girlfriend, and that was stressing her out. He was making her deal with it. He was basically making her his mommy, his therapist and his emotional support human, and that’s not what they’re there for. So when you come home, they’re your escape, they’re your joy from the difficult world and your kids, your family, whatever. You come home, you want a calm environment, you want a woman that brings calmness into your life, because if you’re coming home all freaked out and stressed out, and then you take it out on everybody, you’re going to create problems in your relationship and your family life. So you have to think about how your purpose and your mission or your business stress, are you taking that shit home with you and dumping it on your your girlfriend, your wife, your family or your baby mama? Because that’s a bad way to go. It will spell the end of your relationship if you don’t knock it off.

I am taking full responsibility for that and I am working on myself. As you said in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. I told her:

“I know I disappointed you and I am sorry for that. I wanna keep to work on our relationship, but I do not agree with friendship and the break up.”

She told me, “I know. I love you and wanna be with you. I have strong feelings for you, but I can not right now. At least, I need some space and a break.”

I said, “OK, I love you too and I respect your decision. Give me call if you changed your mind.”

Because you’re not going to try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you, and you just let her be. Again, every time you come home, you’re freaking out. You’re a jack-in-the-box because you’re not handling your business stress. You’re taking your business stress out on your girl and you’re being abusive. I mean, plain and simple. You’re being abusive. You’re abusing her because of shit going on in your business and you can’t do that. So you’re disturbing her ability to bring you joy. You should never do that. You don’t take it out on your kids either. Don’t take it out on the dog.

Two days later, she called me to take her stuff. She came to my house with tears and started to kissing me. We hooked up and had fun. She was smiling and seemed very happy with me.

Well, what does the book say? Your job as a man in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out and hook up. So you notice she came over and that’s exactly what he did. He didn’t dump his business stress on her, he wasn’t a jack-in-the-box. He was calm, he was cool, he was collected, he was the alpha that she fell in love with. So what happened? The legs open. That’s how it works. Just by focusing on the hookup part, hanging out, having fun, hooking up, creating the intimacy and the fun and the escape from life instead of you coming home and expecting her to be your mommy or your therapist, or treating her like one of your drinking buddies. You just cannot do that.

By the way, she was wearing her outfit, nails and hair in the way I love.

Well, women know that we’re visual creatures. So she came over to entice you sexually. Why? Because she had two days of space, she missed you and she wanted to look good for you, and what did she find? Instead of the jack-in-the-box, she found James Bond, and he hung out, he had fun and he hooked up. Rinse. Recycle. Repeat. That’s it. That’s a simple formula. Then you can focus on work, business and purpose while you’re away from her, but don’t ever again make your girl deal with that shit. If you’re stressed out and you need to talk about it, go dump it on your beer drinking buddies, your friends, your business Coach, your business partners, your male friends, maybe your therapist if you got one or a psychologist, but don’t fucking dump that on your girl. It’s the quickest way to dry her pussy up drier than the Sahara desert. You don’t want to do it.

I told her after sex, “You look sexy wearing this and that. I love when you do this things for me.” She smiled and kissed me.

Feminine energy grows through praise, so he praised her in the proper moment. So what does that mean? She’ll do more of that, because there was no sign of the jack-in-the-box when she came over. There was Chad Thundercock when she came over, so Chad Thunder Cock plowed her strawberry fields. So good job.

Before she left, she asked me if she can come next week, because before the break up, I bought her a gift for her birthday on make up in a salon in my town. I said yes and after that we will go to my place. She said yes.

When she was leaving, she asked me if I am meeting someone. Although I started dating new women, I did not tell her. I was playful and said, “Gentleman don’t kiss and tell baby, but you should kiss me,” and she did.

She said she misses me and I told her I needed some time too, but I am happy to see her and to give me call.

So you got to let her do all the calling, texting and pursuing, and you just create dates that can lead to sex at your place and later on hers after she comes over three times in a row.

She told me I am great man, hugged me, kiss me and left. Am I doing it right?

Yep. That’s it. This is perfect. Great fucking job, dude.

Thanks for help. Have a nice day, Coach.

Bob

Yeah again, you got to keep it simple. Follow the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. He gave her the space, he gave her the freedom to come and go. Remember, as Thich Nhat Hanh used to say, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” So he did that, and she came over, and what did she find? She found the confident dude that had all the swagger that he had in the beginning when they started dating, and what happened? They fucked each other’s brains out. Then she went away with lots of happy finishes and a smile on her face and, “Can I see you again next week?” Which normally women don’t ask that they’ll just reach out.

Your job is just to wait to hear from her at this point and create the next opportunity for sex. So I would have her come over the next two times to your place, and you can hang out, have fun and hook up. Then after that, they can go out on dates and stuff, but you got to let her do all the calling, texting and pursuing and don’t ever again fucking blow your top. Don’t ever again, as long as you live, let her see the jack-in-the-box side of you. You just cannot do that. That’s a quick way to end your relationship and dry her pussy up. Just don’t do it. Never, ever, ever do that. You can’t. You can do that stuff with your friends and your therapists, your psychologist or whatever, but don’t do that with your girl because she’s supposed to be the soft one. She’s the feminine one, she’s the joy, and when she comes over looking hot, she’s doing that because she likes you. That’s all a good sign. So you’re just going to keep doing this. You’re just going to wait to hear from her and then create the next opportunity for sex to happen. Keep the communication going. Make her feel heard and understood again. Don’t ever be the jack-in-the-box. You can’t do that.

The other thing you have to keep in mind with this particular woman is triggering for her because her father was like that. So if her father was like that, then she doesn’t feel safe when men behave that way. So that’s why she broke it off. She didn’t feel safe, but she’s still attracted and she still turned on. Then she came over and you did great. This was gold. This is exactly what you should be doing when you’re trying to rekindle your romance. If you do that, then what’s going to happen is her calls, her texts and her feelings will continue to increase, and it’ll get to the point where she’s all over you again, and the stuff about, “Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell, but you should kiss me.” It’s like you let her wonder. It’s really none of her business at this point, because she’s on probation, too. She’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. You said you weren’t interested in friendship, you laid out your boundaries, and she came over and you hooked up. So she has to win you back over.

If you just continue following the script, then what will happen is eventually in the coming months, she’ll once again get stuck to you like white on rice, and she’ll be over at your place just about every night and stuck to you like a sucker fish, and it’ll stay that way as long as you treat her right, as long as you date and court her properly and make her feel heard and understood, and the jack-in-the-box jackass never makes a return visit again as long as you live. Don’t do it with any women in your life. Don’t do it with your mom. Don’t do it with your aunts. You just can’t be a jack-in-the-box. If you need to lose your shit, lose your shit when she’s not around. Lose it with your friends. Be emotional, whatever. Just do not put this stuff on her plate. Women are just not made to deal with this. It just gives them stress and makes them feel unsafe, and when they feel unsafe, the legs are going to close. So don’t do it. It’s not helpful to your relationship. Let her be the joy and the escape so you can have your fun sexcapades together, and she’ll keep coming back more and more, and she’ll spend more time with you, and before you know it, she’ll be stuck to you once again like a sucker fish. So good job.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.