My Ex Still Sleeps With Me, Doesn’t Want To Be Exclusive & Dates Other Guys

Why your ex still sleeps with you, doesn’t want to be exclusive & dates other guys.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a guy who got dumped by his ex because he became jealous, too controlling and failed to set boundaries. She joined a sorority. Goes to frat parties and is meeting and hooking up with other guys. He ran into her after 2 months of no contact and she ditched her date to go home with him. They’ve been hooking up ever since, but she doesn’t want to be exclusive and it’s driving him nuts. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “My Ex Still Sleeps With Me, Doesn’t Want To Be Exclusive & Dates Other Guys.”

Well, this particular email is from, I assume he’s young, because his girlfriend just turned 21 and I guess when she went off to college. Seems like they’re kind of in the same town or whatever. Maybe he’s in college too, but he says she goes to a new college, joins a sorority, and then they have this big fight before a camping trip. She breaks up like two days before that, and then he goes, No Contact. And he said the reason why they broke up is he became jealous. He became “controlling” her words, and he said he felt he failed to set healthy boundaries that they both would respect.

So he went into two months of No Contact. Obviously not happy. Rejection breeds obsession. He got dumped. Didn’t see it coming like most guys. And then he runs into her one night at a bar, and she’s apparently on a date with a Navy guy. So she ditches the Navy guy, goes home with him, they hook up. And so now for like the last couple of months, they’ve been hooking up two, three times a week. But she doesn’t want a relationship. She doesn’t want to be exclusive. She wants to date. And like when he goes over to her house, he’s like, “are the sheets clean? And was there somebody else? Am I the last guy that was over here?”

And she’s like, “do you really want to know?” And you can tell he’s just bugging out over this. So you may have heard me say many times over the years, there’s basically two types of women. There are women for fun and then there are women for family. And it sure is looking like this girl is a fun girl. He’s kind of mixing up the fun, hot girl, with somebody who values loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity. Granted, he made a lot of mistakes that turned her off. Any guy that’s jealous and controlling. You may have heard, if you’re familiar with my work, the Thích Nhất Hạnh quote that I often repeat.

“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” If you’re dating a woman, and she doesn’t feel free. If you’re constantly accusing her of doing things she shouldn’t be doing and you’re jealous all the time, you’re insecure. Eventually she’s going to leave you because that’s just displaying weakness. Because the reality is you can be the best boyfriend in the world. And if you’re dating somebody that doesn’t value it, given the right circumstances, she’ll just cheat on you.

And so this girl is exhibiting a lot of qualities that just shows that, you know, she’s kind of she’s hooking up, having fun. Probably not a family oriented girl. And he’s kind of projecting his fantasy of what he wants her to be, or he’s ignoring the reality. And when you want reality to be other than it is, you’re going to suffer. And so in this case, he wants her to be the little good little girl that he viewed her to be. While he ignores the fact that if we look at her actions and bottom line her actions, she sure she seems like a party girl. And it’s obviously she has a low interest.

She tells them how much she loves them all the time, but she doesn’t want to be exclusive. He’s clearly focused still on trying to lock her down, but he’s just completely ignoring reality that her behavior really precludes her from being somebody that you’d want to try to even be exclusive with, because it looks like she’s just hooking up and having a good time, hanging out with her sorority sisters, going out and partying, sowing her oats, whatever you want to call it. But she’s definitely not down to be exclusive with this guy.

And instead of him acting like he’s the prize and the catch, he innocence is kind of acting like a chick. A lot of the times he’s focused on a relationship. He’s focused on locking her down. He’s focused on a commitment. Meanwhile, he’s basically trying to turn a hoe into a housewife. And that just never works when you do it. And as Ayn Rand said, “you can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.”

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

My ex and I broke up 6 months ago because I became “too controlling” and failed to set boundaries we both could agree on. Our relationship was so great until she joined a sorority in her new college and wanted to go to frat parties and out with her friends late at night.

I would say this was really just the impotence to reveal what her true character was like. Characters is destiny. You’ve got to date women, and you gotta judge people based on their character and their actions, not what you wish them to be or you want them to be, or your irrational fantasy of what you want them to be while you completely ignore reality. She’s clearly behaving like a party girl. That’s not your fault. This is just the way she was raised.

She caused a giant fight the night before a big camping trip we planned and broke up with me just 2 days before she turned 21. Heartbroken, I went no contact and watched hundreds of your videos everyday to cope. Two months later I ran into her at a bar. She was on a date with a Navy guy. She ended up ditching him and going home with me and we had amazing sex.

Well, you had more time with her. You hadn’t seen her in two months. Feelings crept back up on her. So she went with the guy that she was familiar with. Your job, as the book says, is create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. Not lock a girl down or get her into a relationship. Got to read the book. Follow what it says. He says he’s on his seventh read, but he’s clearly because rejection breeds obsession. He’s having a real hard time actually applying it because he’s overwhelmed by his emotions. And he’s projecting his fantasy as irrational, unreasonable fantasy onto her while he ignores the fact she just doesn’t live up to it.

She told me about how much fun she is having being 21 now and how guys at bars throw themselves at her and buy her everything.

Yeah, when you hear something like that, you go, yeah, that really sounds like dad was not around. Dad didn’t do those things for. So she never really learned to love and trust men. Which meant she should trust that kind of thing, because dad just wasn’t there to teach her those things. If a girl is really loving the attention she’s getting from other men and looking at it this way, it’s like she’s getting attention she never got from her dad. And so she’s fulfilling that need in a dysfunctional way because daddy didn’t teach her properly. So it doesn’t look like dad did a good job teaching her to be family oriented, that kind of thing. I hear some growling back there, like all three puppies are down on my feet, basically. So you guys need to behave yourself and knock it off.

She loves the attention and loves to post half naked pics on social media and dating apps.

Yeah, that’s not a family oriented girl. It doesn’t sound like her dad did a good job at all. And again, this is what you see. If dad didn’t do a good job, he didn’t teach her good values and morals. She grew up desperate for daddy’s attention, but never got it. And so now she gets it from random dudes. And since dad wasn’t there, she never really learned to trust men or which men were trustworthy. So now she’s like, taking the shotgun approach.

I act nonchalant, but inside I’m dying hearing the stories about her with other guys.

Bro. This is not your fault. This is the way she is. You’re just now seeing what she’s actually like. And she’s not the good little innocent girl that you thought she was.

We hook up and have fun now very often 2-3 times a week for the past 2 months and sex every time. She tells me she loves me every time we hang out and she sends me all kinds of date ideas and restaurants she wants to try with me. She said she felt so controlled in our relationship and how much better and free she feels now.

Well, again, your job is just to create the opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Treat her like the booty call that she basically is. It really just does not, I don’t see any evidence of a good family oriented girl who’s going to really value loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity. You’re confusing the fun girl with the family oriented woman. She just doesn’t look family oriented by her behavior and by the things that she says.

She says she has no plans on dating anybody until she is at least done with college.

That’s just her way of saying, hey, don’t try to lock me down. I’m going to wait until after college. She’ll want to be exclusive when she feels it. That’s what matters.

I’m more fit, in shape, and working hard on myself and on my 7th read of the book. I try to make every date with her amazing, so she feels good and no drama, control or pressure. What kills me is when we are apart and i miss her a lot and she is out meeting and hooking up with new guys.

Well. If your goal is a family oriented woman, reality is, dude, she ain’t it. You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife. As much as you want to fix her and change her and rescue her and do the job that daddy didn’t do for. It’s just. It’s not your job. You’re looking for somebody to share your completeness with. Not a chick that comes from a broken home. The girls that come from broken homes. You can have a lot of fun partying and hooking up. I advise to always wear a raincoat. Flush your condoms even though they’re not environmentally friendly. Flush it anyways. And you don’t want to slip one past the goalie with a chick like this. She sounds like the town bicycle.

She has no problem being honest and telling me when I ask dumb things that will hurt my feelings for example, I go over to her house and ask “so are the sheets clean? Am I still the last guy to have slept in this bed? She will look at me and say, “you really want to know?”

Again, all it does is make you look jealous and insecure and controlling, and as if you’re trying to lock her down to a commitment. But, dude, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? This is just a hook up, sorority girl. It’s like, hello? You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality. You’re suffering because you want her to be this good little angel. But she wasn’t raised clearly by a family and a father that taught her those values.

She just doesn’t have them. It’s not your job to instill them in her. She clearly is not interested. Your job is just create the opportunity for sex to happen. And in the meantime, when you’re not with her, you should be on the dating apps as well. You should be out meeting and hooking up with other women, and looking for somebody that has the values that match and align with your own. Because this ex-girlfriend of yours clearly does not. You’re fuck buddies, you’re friends and benefits, you’re sex playmates. That’s it.

When I try to tease her back about how I’m going on a date with a girl from Tinder or something she gets very upset and doesn’t want to know.

It’s like you’re just rubbing it in her face, trying to make her jealous. Gentlemen, don’t kiss and tell. Let her wonder. Take a little longer to return her call or return her text. Be unavailable sometimes when she wants to see you. And maybe you could cut back on all the expensive dates and places that you take her and spend some of that time, and some of that money on girls that have the same value system as you, because your ex-girlfriend clearly doesn’t. We just look at our behavior and the things that she says. You just cannot ignore this as much as you want her to be the good little angel, she’s just not.

I feel like I’m too available to her and she feels like she could get back with me anytime, so she has no problem going out with new guys, sometimes even seeing guys the same day I woke up in bed with her.

Again. Dude, it’s like she’s not exhibiting behavior of a family oriented girl that’s looking for a relationship and a boyfriend. She just wants to get fucked, is awesome. And as often and as randomly, as excitedly as life allows. Don’t try to turn a hoe into a housewife. It’s not your job to fix her, or to save her, or to fix what her father failed to do. This is his problem, not yours.

This causes me to emotionally crash out and lose sleep and peace of mind because I truly love this girl and when we are together it feels great. She loves me, but doesn’t want to get back together.

Well, you’re friends with benefits dude, you’re just fuck buddies.

When I don’t know when I’ll see her again, I’m consumed by anxious thoughts and am a wreck, but when we have plans set to hang out I feel peace of mind.

This is why you need other women, and you need to be practicing what’s in the book, so you can find a girl who has the same value system as you do. She should be trying to lock you down, not the other way around. But again, this kind of behavior, this is not what you want for a family oriented girl.

We are still very intimate and loving with each other so when she goes out with new guys it feels like a stab in the heart like I’m being cheated on, but we’re not exclusive anymore. I try to move on and date and hook up with new girls, but I end up missing my ex. I feel like I’m going insane. 

Bob

Well, what’s really going on here is you’re impatient and you’re a young guy and this is something you need to learn. This is called exercising emotional self-control. And not only is this important with the women that you’re dating, but if you’re in a negotiation, if you’re negotiating a big multi-million dollar deal, you can’t be acting fucking needy and neurotic and clingy and freaking out because you’ll lose your fucking ass and you’ll get your ass handed to you in business. You can’t do that if you’re negotiating for a salary increase. You got to be patient and wait for your other person to get back to you.

And so this is a good exercise, even though she’s not the kind of woman that’s family oriented, which it seems like you’re looking for. But it is good to be with a girl like this so you can deal with your emotions. Exercise self-control and act in ways that are consistent with the book. Instead of losing your shit and getting jealous and going over there and asking her if their sheets are clean. We know she’s a hoe. You giving her a hard time about it is not going to turn her into some innocent little churchgoing girl. You just got to see reality as it is.

And so your goal should be to find a woman who has similar goals and similar values as you. And when she reaches out and she’s available. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up, wear a raincoat. But when she’s gone and not around you, you should be looking for someone who has what you’re looking for. Instead of trying to be Mr. Fix-it here, and think you’re going to save this girl and fix her and undo all the damage that her father and her family did. It’s like you got to see reality as it is, and that’s why you’re suffering. You’re trying to turn the hoe into the housewife. You’re trying to be Mr. White Knight. Captain Save-A-Hoe to the rescue.

I mean, she’s showing you who she is. And the fact that you’re hanging on every word and you’re clinging and you’re still worried about what she’s doing. It’s like every time you go over there and freak out or “are your sheets clean?”, all that does is trigger her. And she knows you really, deep down, haven’t changed. Even though you’re better than you used to be. You’re still the same jealous, insecure guy, and you’re looking at her as the prize and the catch. Instead of acting like you’re the prize in the catch. If you remember, you were in two months of no contact. She’s on a date with another dude. She blows that guy off on the date.

She’s with him and goes home with you. Why? Because at least at that time, you were acting like a fucking man instead of a man-gina. Acting like a man-gina is unattractive if you act like a bitch women are going to treat you like a bitch. And if this girl wants to become exclusive, I probably wouldn’t become exclusive with her just because their behavior. Because she’s still going to be hanging out with the same girls from her sorority who are also trying to cause her to get laid and party and hang out with random dudes. So again, you got to just see the reality as it is. Enjoy your time with her. She’s a good placeholder until you meet somebody that shares the same goals and values as you are. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up.

Dude. That’s it. It’s not your job to lock a woman down or obsess over, because all you’re really trying to do is the reason you want to lock her down and get her to commit to you. Is so because you’re afraid of other men. When in reality, the reason why you’re going berserk over this before you broke up is you were ignoring the reality of the fact that you really weren’t dating a girl that was loyal. She wanted to fuck other dudes. So let her go, have her life and do what she wants. When she’s available and hits you up, hang out, have fun, hook up. And when she’s not.

You should be rocking out with your cock out, dude. You’re in college. You’re never, ever going to be surrounded by this many single, hot, horny, available women that are down to experiment and try things you’re in. All you can eat pussy buffet. So get busy and enjoy it. This is a great time in your life, and you shouldn’t be obsessing over some fucking chick thinking you’re going to fix her or save her. It’s fucking absurd. It’s like, come on, man. Grow the fuck up. There’s so many great opportunities out there for you.

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