Some things you should consider if you realize or come to the conclusion that your girlfriend seems to be a feminist, man-hating woman who tries to control her emotions, feelings and be the leader instead of letting her man be the leader.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating a woman after his recent divorce from a 20-year marriage with two kids. There was a lady who he already knew who liked him. After she found out he was divorced, she got in contact with him. On their first date when he went to kiss her goodnight, she turned her head and gave him the cheek. Since he was new to my work, he assumed he must have done something to talk her out of liking him, which he seemed to do often with the other women he met before he started following what I teach. However, she sent him a text the very next day suggesting that they should meet again. He invited her over to his place for dinner and went to pick her up from work. After dinner, he started making out with her, and even though she said she did not want to go all the way when they were lying in bed, she went all the way.
Things have been pretty good ever since, but several things about her really bother him. She comes from a very conservative, ultra-religious family that believes in no sex before marriage, etc. She then left her religion to become a devout feminist. She has difficulties letting go in bed and has a hard time getting off. She tells him things like he doesn’t need to be strong, and seems to argue about things such as sexual positions, etc. She obviously has some real hang-ups about letting men take control and be the leader. He shares several examples of how her behavior has caused him on several occasions to lose his masculine core and sometimes act jealous and insecure of other men. He asks me how he should handle his interactions with her to maintain his center so he can stay in his masculine.
I’m a devout student of yours, and I really learned a lot. I was planning to continue practicing, continue reading your book all 15 times and watching videos. All was going smoothly. But now I ran into this lady who really rocked my boat, and my reactions are confusing the hell out of me, so I reach out to you for some emergency coaching to get back on track. I’ll give you a brief background, share a success story, and then describe my problem. I’ll really make an effort to be as brief as possible.
I recently got divorced after 20 years of marriage and two children. Now, after studying your material, I know what went wrong. I was strong when I met my wife, but then I resigned as the leader of the relationship. She pushed and pushed for me to be the man, and I withdrew more and more, until I finally left. The interesting thing is, when I presented her with this analysis recently, she confirmed that this was exactly what happened!
When I started dating after the divorce, it was a mess. I look okay, so more than a few women wanted to date me, but I talked them right out of liking me. I came through as weak, needy and without a purpose. I sought the advice of several love doctors. Their material was useful, but it made me depressed, and it made me look down on women. Not until I found you, did I realize that “women are great, once you understand them.” I’ve found that to be a fact.
Now, the success story:
About 9 months ago, there was this lady that I already knew, and she liked me. One late night, she sent me a text with some excuse to contact me. (She put herself into your orbit in hopes that you would create an opportunity for sex to happen.) I immediately assumed she’d like to see me. The next morning, I sent a text back, saying, “We should get together. When are you free?” She said, “This afternoon or Tuesday.” I suggested the same afternoon and set the date. We met, had coffee, walked and had dinner. We talked for several hours. It was difficult to read her attraction level, and she didn’t touch me, but I still had a feeling she liked my company. (This girl is holding back. She has rules she’s following.) Just before parting we were standing really close, so I leaned in for a kiss. I got the cheek. Ouch! On the way home, I figured I had talked her out of liking me. However, inspired by you, I thought, “Never mind! I went for it and it didn’t work out this time. No regrets! It was good practice!”
The next day she sent a text, “We should meet again!” I invited her for dinner at my place, and picked her up at work. We cooked and had dinner, and when she touched my arm on the sofa, I kissed her, which lead to serious making out. She said she didn’t want to go all the way, but wanted to stay the night. (In other words, she wants to have sex with you as long as you don’t talk her out of it because she doesn’t want responsibility for it. I did a video recently called “I Don’t Want To Go All The Way” which discusses this.) I said, “Fine. No problem,” but once we were lying in bed, she still went all the way. We’ve been together since.
We had a really romantic week this summer. One night she really let go and danced for me in the living room. She then sat on my lap, kissed me, and told me that she really felt safe with me and she could be herself in my company. It was one of the most beautiful moments in my life. I was her mountain, and she was really in her feminine. I would never have experienced all of this so effortlessly if it hadn’t been for you. Thank you so much!
But now there are some problems. To be as brief as possible, I have to mix some observations with my own conclusions, right or wrong. I believe this lady has a very complicated relationship with men and masculinity. She grew up in a very conservative, religious environment, with no sex before marriage etc. (She has rules she was taught that are affecting her behavior.) She then left that to become a devout feminist. My belief is, she just switched from one religion considering masculinity a threat, to another. I’m not talking about equality here, but of a radical philosophy wishing to question masculinity and all that crap.
She’s very sexy, but has difficulties letting go in bed. She feels very little from penetration, but I can do other things to help her get off, which is fine. Some of the sex drives me wild, but then there are all these little things she does, consciously or not, to question my masculinity. She asks little questions like, “Why is it important for you to penetrate your lady? You don’t need to be strong! Look, I could get on top without bending my leg!” (This is someone who is swimming against the current. It’s a lot more efficient to go with the flow in life. When you date someone like this, it just creates problems.) Sometimes while I’m at it, she says things like we’re having coffee. When I called her a wonderful woman during the act, she replied that I’m a beautiful “human being.” She says, “I want a relationship,” not, “I want a man.” These little things slip through my net, but all put together, they drive me crazy.
To add to this, a great interest of hers is dancing. I was fine with this. You’ve got to love in such a way that the person you love feels free, right? So I said, “You go dancing when I’m busy with my children, if you like.” I thought it was like a sport, like you see on TV, but when I finally saw her dancing, it was like a blow to the stomach. These guys were holding her extremely tight, pressing their leg against her, holding the back of her neck and rubbing their forehead against hers. She had her hand tightly on their chest, her eyes closed and followed their lead to the tiniest move.
I feel this is the woman in her, desiring to submit to a man. She uses dancing to be completely submissive to a man, but she can’t do that with me. She has to question me. I felt this to be a deep betrayal. (Now you’re getting jealous and insecure of her dance partners. That’s not cool.) Her dancing was like a sexual act to me, where she was giving herself to these men more than she gives herself to me. I wish I’d been a man and spoken up immediately, but I dwelt on this for some days. I finally explained my feelings to her, and she more or less agreed to stop this kind of dancing altogether. I can’t accept that a lady who’s with me engages in such intimate dancing with other men. Am I strange here? (You’ve got not right to expect her to give up something that she loves to do because of your jealousy and insecurity. At the end of the day, if a woman is going to cheat on you, she’s going to cheat on you, and there’s not a thing you can do.)
After this, feelings of jealousy have started to come up. This has completely surprised me, because I thought I’d outgrown that. When we were on our way to celebrate the New Year, she let me know she got a text from an old boyfriend. That really pissed me off, but I kept it to myself. (She’s telling you because she wants you to know that there’s nothing going on, and she’s communicating to you which is a sign of respect.) Also, she’s too “open” about her old relationships, including details. She wanted to visit an old boyfriend of hers on a trip we planned. That also pissed me off, but I kept it inside. I finally felt that as a man, I should be direct with my views and feelings, and I calmly told her I simply have no desire to visit her old boyfriends. She quickly agreed not to.
Also, she’s very politically correct, which makes it difficult to talk about certain subjects. I support the police, and she supports the protesters. I support the armed forces, while she’d rather we had none. I feel she looks down on ordinary people from her ivory tower. When I discussed feminism with her, I got agitated and lost my masculine core, which was not attractive.
So, here are my questions. How can I handle her problems with men? I feel, perhaps naively, that she really needs a strong man, since she’s testing so hard, and that I could be that man. Could I? (You need to act more like a man consistently. You getting jealous is going to cause her to sense weakness, pull away, and test more.) I actually broke it off once, since I saw no future, but she pursued me and I took her back because she’s very sexy, and I actually do have a lot of love for her. She’s fun and exciting to be with, but at the same time I feel pain inside. She’s obviously in love with me, although I got a feeling she’s somewhat flaky lately, probably because I showed weakness. (She doesn’t trust your masculine core because of how you’ve been behaving.) At the same time, she’s talking about a future ten years from now, living together, getting engaged etc., but her mood goes up and down, and it makes me really tired. Could I be a man here, or should I just go? Either way, I want to learn something from this, so I can develop as a man. What’s going on? (If you are vacillating in your masculinity, and you’re not sure about yourself, you will cause her to be unsure of you, unsure about the relationship, and make her feel uncomfortable with you being the leader.)
How should a real man deal with jealousy? (Don’t be jealous. The only thing you can do is be her best option.) Is it just low self-esteem, a sign of weakness and something I need to deal with myself, or do I have some justification for these feelings? (That is your own bullshit. You need to deal with your own weaknesses, insecurities, fears, doubts, and jealousies.) I expect myself not to be jealous of her past. At the same time, I don’t expect to be some kind of therapist, listening to her stories about loves and disappointments, especially when I don’t ask and they are too detailed, or referred to too often. (Just change the subject and let her know you don’t want to talk about her ex-boyfriends.)
How does a gentleman handle differences in political opinions and values without getting into an argument and losing his center, while at the same time standing up for who he is? (Stay who you are, and when you get to someone who is ideologically opposed to you, try to understand you’re not going to change them.) Am I right when I think that I need to be a man who expresses opinions directly, clearly and considerately, while at the same time working on my inner game, so I don’t need to get these bad feelings? However, at the same time, I feel displaying jealousy makes me look weak! (You should express your feelings, but not when it’s coming from a place of weakness or manipulation.)
You can see, this girl really has caused me to lose my masculine core, which I believe is what attracted her in the first place. Do I just need to get out and have more relationships with women to get over this? I’ve had less than ten. Do I have some justification for feeling bad, i.e. is she behaving strangely? What kind of woman is she? (See how it goes. See if it gets any better over the next six months. I personally wouldn’t want to date a woman whose feminism or conservative upbringing is affecting how she’s showing up in the bedroom or causing her to act cold, robotic or masculine.)
Please shed some light on what’s going on here!
My response to him:
You’re obviously dating a very structured and controlling woman who does not follow her feelings and does what comes naturally because of all of these rules she has adopted regarding what’s appropriate and not appropriate. That’s the only reason she gave you the cheek the first time you tried to kiss her. She’s holding back on purpose. I personally don’t date women like this because they’re always holding back and acting unnatural, but it’s your life. You do what you want. Your girlfriend is obviously a very good dancer and loves dancing. You have no right to take that away from her and to make her give up something she loves because you sometimes feel like a weak, needy, jealous, insecure pussy. You’ve obviously heard me say more than once that all a man can really do is to be a woman’s best option, but if she’s a liar and a cheater, she’s going to cheat and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
What you should do to be a good boyfriend is to take some dance classes with her so you can become a great dancer, and she can continue to dance and do something she loves. Dancing that close to a man is technically correct in how it’s done professionally. You can watch Dancing With The Stars or any professional dancers, and getting close is how dancing is done. Therefore, become her dance partner and take some classes, which will communicate how much you really care about her, and she will love you for it, or tell her to go back to dancing with her other partners, and you can watch. The only reason you are jealous and allowing this to affect you is because you obviously have some beta male tendencies you need to let go of. If you don’t, eventually she will realize you are a pussy and not a man, and end the relationship.
It’s not that she caused you to lose your masculine core, it’s that you chose to act weak and beta male like. You have no right to get butt hurt over ex boyfriends who still reach out to her. She obviously loves you and cares about you enough to tell you about them because she wants you to know that you’re the most important man in her life. However, if you keep acting like you can’t handle it, this will turn her off and cause her to stop telling you about other men who hit on her or ex boyfriends who contact her. You need to deal with your own insecurities, fears and doubts instead of acting like a jealous, insecure control freak and trying to make your girlfriend jump through her butt to change her life and give up things she loves and that are important to her so you don’t feel insecure. If you can’t deal with your insecurities and weaknesses on your own, then I highly recommend you start seeing a counselor or therapist who can help you with your mommy and daddy issues. Other than the fact that your girlfriend is structured, anal and controlling, she sounds like a pretty good woman. If you want to keep her in love and in your life, then you need to stop complicating things and creating drama because of your own insecurities.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Feminism originally was a great movement that came about in the early 20th century in order to help women earn the right to vote, earn equal rights as men and no longer be treated like they were property, objects or second-class citizens. However, modern day feminism often takes the women’s liberation movement to unhealthy extremes. You can see this in most television programs and movies. Men are generally portrayed as being stupid, inept, weak, feminine, and often as having little use other than being sperm donors. This has created an imbalance and blurring of the masculine and feminine roles in relationships. Many women who are devout feminists tend to act too masculine and domineering. This ruins the sexual polarity between men and women and causes unnecessary conflict in relationships. If you find yourself dating a beautiful but feminazi woman, who is determined to be the leader or man in your relationship, you’re never going to feel comfortable, centered or very happy unless you are a very feminine man. If you are a very masculine man, and your natural essence is masculine energy, you should avoid dating feminazi women and only date women who are extremely feminine and looking for a strong man who they are eager to submit to once he demonstrates himself to be worthy.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne