What it means and what you should do when your girl acts crazy and jealous a lot.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 19-year-old guy whose girlfriend acts crazy, jealous and is emotionally and mentally abusive. She obviously has self-esteem issues and plenty of personal problems. She invites attention from male orbiters and then gets mad at him for calling her out on it.
He seems to be rationalizing, making excuses and tolerating behavior from a girlfriend who appears to be dishonest, disloyal and mentally ill. He’s lost attraction and interest but feels guilty. He asks my opinion on if it’s fixable. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This email is from a 19-year-old guy, and he says he’s read 3% Man twice. He’s on his third read. He’s been dating a girl for about four months, and she’s displaying all kinds of wacky behavior, to the point where she’s verbally abusive, she’s mentally abusive, she’s emotionally abusive. Lots of red flags. But this dude’s 19 years old. He doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. I mean, when I was this guy’s age… I mean, a dude being 19 and having access to the Internet and a book like mine, oh, man. My life would have been so different if I would’ve known these things back when this guy is learning these things. So, I envy him, because there’s so much struggle he’s not going to have to go through and he’ll be able to avoid.
Obviously, he’s getting stung here by this particular girl, but he recognizes things are bad. He notices the red flags. So, it’s a good email, because this girl is displaying a lot of behavior. It looks like she’s probably got some mental illness going on as well. And this is just stuff they don’t teach you. They don’t teach this in school. They don’t teach it in college. Parents typically don’t know this stuff. And so, going and getting into the dating world when you’re of age to start dating, it’s like flying blind into a hurricane. So, with that said, let’s go through and read this guy’s email, because this is a cautionary tale. It’s like a red flag minefield.
I’m 19 years old and new to your work. I’ve read 3% Man 2 times and I’m on my 3rd now. I have found myself in an odd situation, so I’d hope you’d give me some of your advice and wisdom, and maybe consider my situation for a newsletter.
Well, guess what? You’re in luck.
So, a little bit of a background, (this was before I knew about your work), I found a girl on Tinder, who in my eyes was drop dead gorgeous. So, I asked her out and we met up. She was showing me signs of high interest and was pursuing me hard from the very start, which made things easy for me.
So far, so good. But just because she’s hot doesn’t mean she’s normal or dateable. That’s what’s so hard, because all of us, men and women, we all want to date up. We want to feel like we got somebody that was a little bit out of our league and like we really cleaned up when it came to getting a significant other. Guys especially, we tend to be visual creatures and we’re like, “Wow! She’s hot, she’s got a great body and everybody likes her. She’s got to be the perfect woman.” Well, it depends on the personality, because sometimes the juice is not worth the squeeze.
We eventually got into an exclusive relationship, which was her idea, and now I see it was way too early.
Well, women are insecure too, and they want to lock a guy down really fast. That can be a red flag if after two or three dates she’s wants to be exclusive. Meaning a week after meeting, two weeks, that’s pretty soon.
After some time, I started noticing what you may consider major red flags.
Here are the red flags:
1. She would call me, and then hang up, and then ignore me when I called back. Then after an hour or so, (I never chased or gave some sort of reaction to her when she would do this, I don’t tolerate disrespect like this), she would come back saying she was pissed off I didn’t call her.
Yeah, that’s kind of a red flag right there. She calls, hangs up, ignores you when you call back, just to mess with you. That’s passive aggressive behavior.
2. When we were out on a date or lying in bed, she would sometimes text other guy “friends.” I enforced healthy boundaries and told her it was disrespectful of her and how would she have liked if I did the same thing.
I mean, that’s the perfect thing to say.
She got super pissed off, but I didn’t budge, and she later texted me how sorry she was and “corrected” her ways. However, she sometimes still does it.
So, what is that indicative of? It looks like a character flaw. It looks like her words and her actions, they don’t match. Therefore, she says one thing and does another. And if you look at her actions, then the boundaries, she does what she wants.
Now I’ve seen the texts, and to my knowledge, it’s just casual and nothing flirtatious. But it’s still weird.
She likes the attention because, obviously, she’s insecure. So, that’s a red flag for a woman with a Frankenstein boyfriend project. When you’re not available or you’re too busy, to get the attention she needs, she’s happy to text these other guys. Even if it’s non-flirtatious, she knows deep down that these guys have interest in her, and she likes it. She likes getting attention from other men.
That’s not healthy if you’re trying to vet a woman for being exclusive or monogamous. Women who are capable of loyalty and monogamy just simply aren’t going to do these things, especially if you talked about it and she says she won’t do it. So, the fact that she said one thing and then went back on her word, it looks like she has no integrity. She’s not honest, she’s devious, she’s deceptive, and you don’t want those kind of people in your life or your inner circle. That includes friends.
3. One time, after partying, she would post videos of her and another guy laughing together.
Oh yeah, “I want you all to myself. But hey, here’s some video of me hanging out with some random dude that you don’t know, and we’re laughing and having a good time.” It might even be her way of giving you the finger, just because she’s mad at you. That’s what a passive aggressive woman would do.
Now, it’s true that she was walking with other guys and girls there, but I found it weird and called her out on it.
She’s like, “Yoo-hoo, look who I’m with, and not my boyfriend.”
To which she, again, got pissed off, but came back apologizing and crying and said she would never do it again.
Which, my stomach feeling says she is.
You should trust that, your intuition, your Spidey sense is definitely tingling for a reason.
She just isn’t going to post it in her public story.
Yeah. Liars and cheaters will just become better at covering it up.
I find this odd, because she’s never posted stuff about me.
There you go. I would say it’s probably some passive aggressive behavior, because she’s obviously reacting to you the same way she reacts to her father. She’s pissed off at her dad, she’s got some daddy issues, and she’s letting you have it. And so, she’s not necessarily reacting to you, she’s reacting to her father. She’s rebelling and going, “Ha-ha, look! I’m out with other dudes and I’m putting them in my Instagram stories, but I’m not putting my “boyfriend” in my Instagram stories ever. Because I’m big mad at my boyfriend.”
4. She keeps telling me how depressed she is, and constantly asks me if I truly love her, and says she only “lives” because she is “forced” to and would not care if she died.
Boy, that’s a real turn on. That’ll really put lead in your pencil when your girl says that to you, huh?
Now, I’m a man and I make her feel understood and heard, which helps, but this is turning me off so badly. I don’t really know why.
Well, if you’re with somebody, you want to feel like you’ve got a prize, not somebody that’s basically saying, “I’m a useless piece of garbage.” But the fact that she’s saying stuff like that, that’s just not good. It sounds like a girl that’s got no will to live. It sounds like she needs to be seeing a therapist, not being in a relationship.
You could tell her, “Babe, don’t talk like that about yourself. I don’t like hearing that. It’s a turnoff. You need to stop. You need to think about how you talk to yourself and about yourself. That’s not very loving, it’s not very kind, and I don’t want to hear my girl talking about herself that way, because I think very highly of her. And I don’t want to hear you ever speak like that again about yourself. It’s unnecessary, it’s untrue.” You can say some things like that. But, really, this girl’s got a double wide truckload of problems.
5. A couple of days ago, when we were going to sleep after having sex. I suddenly woke up to her shaking in bed. I then went over to her, and she told me she couldn’t sleep. The next day, she admitted she was so mad about the fact that she couldn’t sleep, but I could and had it so nice, and even said she really wanted to punch me because I slept so well.
I’ve talked about this in “Mastering Yourself” and in “3% Man,” that human beings in general, we tend to attack in other people what they’re connected to that we’re disconnected from within ourselves. And here’s a prime example. He’s sleeping like a baby, and she’s not, and she’s pissed off at him. And she literally wants to punch him because he’s connected to his sleep, if you will. He’s able to sleep and she’s not.
Just like happy people get attacked by unhappy people. I see it in the comments all the time, especially when the girls are on. It’s like, man, they’re really unhappy dudes. The incels, especially the butt hurt red pill guys, it’s like, man, they get so nasty. They’re just unhappy dudes projecting self-hatred and self-loathing. So, just remember that when somebody attacks you, it’s not because they hate you; it’s because they hate themselves and they want to beat you. And they resent that you have what they don’t. So, that’s another major red flag.
6. She keeps asking me about my past previous relationships. Now, gentlemen don’t kiss and tell, as you say, so I keep telling her it’s in the past and doesn’t matter, and I don’t want to talk about it.
Smart, and don’t ever tell her. Because especially a girl like this, any time she gets mad at you, she’s going to use it against you. Keep it to yourself.
But one time, she got so mad and started throwing things at me…
Check, please! Elvis is leaving the building now. That’s it. If you get violent, goodbye sweetheart.
…while saying that the fact that I had fucked other women is disgusting.
It’s like, that’s it. After she started being physically abusive, that’s it. Because here’s the reality, when a woman gets physically abusive and the po-po shows up, 99% of the time, guess who they’re taking to jail? They’re taking the guy to jail. Unless he’s physically bleeding and she’s fine. But if the police show up, whether she called or your neighbors call, because you were yelling and screaming or whatever, they’ll still take the dude to jail.
It’s just not worth it. You don’t want to deal with that. So, number six is a deal breaker. As soon as she’s physically violent, goodbye, gonzo, see you later. Check, please! No hope, we’re not fixing this. We are out of here. We’re taking our toys and we’re leaving the village.
7. She texts me and calls me constantly, to the point that I feel I am losing my freedom.
Remember what Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
And every time I say I have to go on the phone, after talking for a long time, she always gets pissed off or is so disappointed.
Because she’s insecure and she can’t stand the thought of being alone with no attention. Probably because Daddy was never there for her, never there to hug her and reassure her. That’s why she keeps these male orbiters around. She makes up for the fact that Dad wasn’t around. And when you can’t be there, she has these other guys. That’s why she didn’t see any problem with it. It’s normal to her. Men are unreliable in her life.
8. A couple of weeks ago, when we were having a FaceTime date, we were laughing and having a good time, and suddenly she got super pissed off and said she remembered something that I did that pissed her off.
Oh, boy. So, she’s a jack-in-the-box. Dr. Dominick D’Anna and I, we did a few videos a few months ago talking about that, being a jack-in-the-box. So, you’re having a good time, and “Oh, I remember something you did that pissed me off!” So, what’s her go-to? What’s her go-to attitude? You’re happy, you’re having a good time, and then what happens?
So, if you were to ask her to write down all the emotions she’s experienced in a week, I bet probably 99% of them would be negative. And so, that’s prime example. You’re having a good time, there’s no reason to not have a good time, and she fucks it up. Why? Because things being fucked up, that’s normal to her.
When I asked about it, she said she didn’t want to talk about it, and she would just get annoyed.
Oh, that just sounds like so much fun. You can’t fix this, man. This chick is not your responsibility to fix or to save. You’ve just got to remember, she’s a lunatic.
I tried to open her up with humor and stuff, which works sometimes, but she got more pissed off and bitchy to where I said she could call me when she was in a better mood. So, she’s a terrible communicator, great.
Yeah, love, it takes two people. And if one of them is just like, “I’m going to give you the silent treatment, I’m going be passive aggressive,” things are going to be going great, and she’s going to fuck it up. Because all she knows is drama and things being a mess. So, when things are going well, she can’t handle it because she’s not used to that. And so, she creates a problem where there was none. You can’t fix that. That’s not your problem. Her parents did this to her.
I can’t shake the uneasy feeling that I’m slowly losing attraction for her. It’s gotten so bad lately that I had to stop myself from cheating with a gorgeous woman at a party.
Well, that’s an easy solution; break it off of your girl, and then you’re a free agent. So, this gorgeous woman at the party, you need to take her home and ravish her, properly.
And when my friend told me about a girl who was interested in me and offered me her Snapchat, it put a smile on my face, though I gently declined the offer, as I honored my commitment.
Good for you. But as I said, I would ditch the lunatic and say, “I’m tired of your abuse. I don’t like how you treat me. You keep male orbiters around, you create problems where there are none. I think you should go get some therapy and some counseling, because I don’t like the way you treat me. You don’t want to talk things out, you’re a bad communicator, you got violent.” It’s like, she’s done. There’s no coming back from this, bro.
This situation sucks, because she’s drop dead gorgeous.
Well, it doesn’t matter. The juice ain’t worth the squeeze.
And I’ve never felt so chased and loved by a woman before.
Boy, that really sounds like true love – throwing shit at you and being physically abusive.
But her behavior is turning me off so badly, I’ve considered breaking up with her for weeks now.
I would have been gone already, bro.
And to be honest, I can’t really say I trust her after she keeps texting those guys.
She’s not worth trusting. She’s not trustworthy. She said she was going to stop, yet she keeps doing it. And she puts videos of other guys in her feed on Instagram, and you’re not in her feed. So what does that tell you? That’s just her way of giving you the big, hairy middle finger, more passive aggressive behavior. It’s like, you don’t want to be in a relationship with somebody that behaves this way.
We’ve been together for 4 months.
Well, four months is enough to know that it’s time to go.
Is there anything I can do in this situation that could help?
She already got physically abusive. She’s done. She needs to learn that if she behaves that way, she’s going to drive every dude away. And so, you need to have the balls to do it, and be congruent with it, and never go back. I wouldn’t even be friends with benefits. I would be like, “See you later. It’s been real. Have a nice life!”
Or does she need to see a therapist…
…and I be single for a while and find a new woman?
Yes! There you go. That’s the solution. Break it off with her, tell her to go see a therapist, and you move on and find a new woman. And maybe that girl that was at the party, the gorgeous girl, you can hook up with her. Maybe the one that hooked you up with her Snapchat, say, “I broke it off with my girl. She’s crazy. I’m out of here.” Elvis and his entourage have left the building.
You can’t work with this, man. This is like, thanks, but no thanks. You’re only 19, dude. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Get the fuck out of there and don’t ever give this girl another chance. I’d even block all of her numbers and just move on with a clear conscience.
It’s not your fault, it’s not your problem. She was this way. If she wants anybody to blame, say, “Blame your parents, blame your family, whoever raised you, because your behavior is disgusting. And you’re disloyal, and you’re physically abusive.” So, she’s got to go. There’s no fixing that.
So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you would like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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