My Girlfriend Checks Out Other Men But Denies It Happened

What you can do if you catch your girl checking out other men & then denies it happened.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has caught his girlfriend checking out other men 4 different times over the past year. When confronted later about it, she denies it happened and accuses him of gaslighting her. He is getting angry about this and wonders how to handle it. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne, and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “My Girlfriend Checks Out Other Men But Denies It Happened.”

Well, this particular email is from a Paying Member on Spotify, and he says that over the last year he’s caught his girlfriend checking out men four different times. I guess the most recent one, he was at a game or somewhere, and there was a police officer and walking by that was jacked. Handsome dude. And she commented on it. And so each time he’s confronted her about it, she says, “oh, that’s not true. You’re just gaslighting me.”

So he’s getting really angry and pissed off about this and he wonders how to handle it. Well, if you’re getting upset and insecure about it and you’re blowing your top, it’s not going to look good. Because what are you trying? What are you really looking for? Is your woman loyal and faithful. It’s normal. I mean, this is the kind of thing it’s, you know, over the years, last 20 something, 25 years. If you’re with a hot girl, you’re with her long enough.

You’re in a relationship long enough. She’s going to notice other men. She’s going to notice other women. You can’t be bothered by it. You got to have some fun with it. The important thing is your girl loyal to you. I mean, it’s not the end of the world. She’s like, wow, that girl’s really pretty. Or what do you think of her? Or, wow, that guy’s really handsome. And so it’s like, how would you handle it?

So I’m going to offer an alternative way to handle it instead of getting upset and butthurt because that’s a bad way to go. But it’s also not a good sign for her to just deny it’s happening. And probably why she’s denying it’s happening is because she knows he gets really upset about it and she doesn’t want to cause a fight or problems. So she just says, oh, it’s not happening. You’re imagining things, honey. Which actually is gaslighting on her part.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach

I have a question regarding my girlfriend checking out other guys in front of me. I’ve noticed that when we’re out there’s times where she’s checked out someone. There was one incident where a police officer passed by when we were at a sporting event about 10 meters away and she said hello in a flirty comment (not to him) and her neck was rubber trying to check this guy out.

So she’s like, hello! So if you see that, are you going to say you’re not getting the hall pass. If you want a hall pass, I’ll give you a pink slip as well and we can make it permanent. You can joke because the idea is humor just shows you’re not bothered by it, but you’re kind of noticing it. It’s like, oh, you like what you see? It’s like you’re not getting no fucking hall pass.

Each time it’s happened, I’ve not been happy and I’ve brought it up multiple times saying it’s not cool. She’s claimed that she didn’t do it each time or tried to come up with an excuse how she isn’t doing it. I wasn’t really sure if my mind was playing tricks on me for most of them, there’s been about 4 times this has happened in a year of seeing each other.

Well, the fact that she’s trying to cover this is why getting upset and confronting her and being mad is not helpful. And the reason being is if she really is a disloyal woman and she knows you’re bothered by it and she’s doing things that she shouldn’t be doing, then of course she’s going to do everything she can to cover it up. So it’s much better if the woman thinks you trust her implicitly. But obviously you call her out and you notice it. So, you know, another other time she might go, wow, I really love the dress on that girl.

It was like, you want to go flirt with her? Maybe we can have her come home with us. Maybe we can. Are you suggesting a threesome between the three of us? I mean, have some fun troll her back a little bit with it with a smile on your face. Do you think that girl is hot? You want to eat her pussy? You want to lick her box? What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickcalotapuss.

When she did the time with the police guy I was like, now I definitely seen that.

So it’s like once a quarter. It’s not a lot. So if she’s doing it like, hello. But is she doing it in a way where she’s constantly it’d be different if it’s like once or twice a week, she’s trolling you with some other dude and seeing other guys. You know, if she’s doing that, if she’s constantly noticing other men on a weekly basis, you could say, well, if you keep it up, I’ll give you your pink slip and you can be a free agent, so you can go and explore humanity if you like. And I’ll go find a nice. I’ll have to pull up my black book out of storage.

Call up Shafrekqua and all the other girlfriends. They’ll be happy to hear that I’m single again. Whereas you just can’t show that it bothers you. But when you tease her, you let her notice that you’ve noticed it. You don’t get mad, you don’t get butthurt, but you’re humorous in a playful way. It’s almost like, if you think you can do better, then go. But remember, good love is hard to find. Like Tom Petty said when she did the time with the police guy, I was like, now I definitely have seen that.

I was not happy and the next day I said we need to talk.

Yeah, you should have brought it up right then and there, but not in an angry way. I would have just been a playful way. He’s like, you’re not getting a hall pass. If you really want the hall pass, I’ll give you the hall pass along with a pink slip, and we can make it permanent. And then you can go chase whatever dick you want. And I’ll have to find myself a few other girlfriends.

And asked what was that about, and she claimed she didn’t and that I’m gaslighting her.

So the fact that she’s kind of especially when she’s like, hello, like that, that’s why it would be better if she thinks that you trust her, but you don’t just sit there like a eunuch and not say anything. You notice it, you point it out. Or you say, well, what do you like about that? Are you hinting that you want me to dress up as a police officer for Halloween? What are you suggesting, Babe. Why are you noticing him? Maybe you’ve dropped your standard a little bit, and you’re getting a little chunky and you’re letting yourself go.

But again, this is like four times in one year, so it’s not a lot. But she’s doing it every week with multiple dudes. That’s not a good sign. Then you’re going to have to let her know that that’s highly inappropriate and that if she wants to continue seeing you and you being loyal to her, she needs to stop that because it’s very disrespectful. And then you should also say, well, why is it you’re doing that? That’s like the third time this week you’ve noticed somebody else. So what are you trying to say? What are you trying to communicate? But in this case it might just be occasionally she sees a guy she really likes, and then she basically lies about it because she knows if she gets into it, you’re going to get upset and butthurt about it.

And so she’s just trying to avoid some drama and then telling you that you’re the one gaslighting her when she’s actually the one gaslighting you. So gaslighting is not very loving. So she’s a she’s just trying to avoid a conflict is what it looks like. Because again this happened four times in one year. And so most women are going to notice that especially when you’ve been together a long time and you’re really comfortable with each other. She’ll notice other pretty women. You’ll see her staring at other dudes. You can troll her about it. You look at her and go, it’s never going to happen. If you think you can do better, babe, I’ll give you a pink slip. If you want to go run that guy down. But the locks will be changed and your shit will be out in the front lawn. We’re joking here.

This is my first long term relationship, and there’s some things I’m trying to figure out. I’ve had people telling me that’s normal but to me I find it very disrespectful and really strange behavior.

Well, again, it’s only happened four times, so it’s not a lot. Again, if it was happening constantly, just about every time you hang out with her, you notice her just looking at other dudes? It’s not a good sign.

I wouldn’t do that with another woman. I’m wondering what this is, a test to draw out insecurity.

Maybe. Maybe she is trolling you.

Or a sign of poor character.

It’s possible. Again, you’ve only been together for a year. That’s why if you notice, the more you get upset, the more she’s going to cover it up. But if you embrace it, you dance with it and you’re, as Bruce Lee says, “you’re like water” and you’re not bothered by it and you have some fun with it, then she might communicate a little bit more what she’s seeing and thinking. It’s like, do we need to get you a girlfriend, honey? She says, oh, I really love that dress. He’s like, are you saying we need to get you a girlfriend? Do we need to get a girlfriend to join us? Is that what you’re saying? Is that what you’re suggesting here?

We get on really well in every other area but if this is poor character I will not tolerate it for much longer. 

Calm down. Dude, it’s not happening all the time. It’s just an occasional thing. But the gaslighting and the lying is troubling. So we need more examination, and that’s why it would be best if she thinks that you trust her implicitly. So as long as you don’t get butthurt or upset or mad or angry, she’ll feel comfortable talking about it and emoting. But if she knows you’re going to get upset and it’ll send you into orbit and you get angry and pissed off, she’ll probably gaslight you because she doesn’t want to deal with drama.

I think she’s very insecure and is trying to make me insecure, and a part of me is wondering if she’s fully aware of what she’s doing.

She’s aware she’s not stupid.

If its trauma related. Her mum and dad had a fucked up relationship but she has done quite a bit of healing so I’m willing to give some leeway but I’m not going to tolerate poor behavior with no improvement. I am in no rush to commit long term. Am I overreacting?

You’re concerned, and it’s good that you’re concerned. Your Spidey sense is going. Something’s not right with this.

What would you do?

I’d want her to think I trust her implicitly. And I would do exactly what I’ve been saying throughout the video. Use humor and playfulness. Troll her back a little bit. Have some fun with it. Because, again, it’s not like it’s happening every day. If it was a real problem, it’s like every time you were out, you should just be looking at all the guys walking by. That wouldn’t be good. That’s a different situation. But this one, it’s an occasional thing.

And what is appropriate for checking out another person in a relationship?

It definitely is normal and natural, especially women. Women notice other beautiful women and occasionally they’re going to notice other handsome men.

I appreciate your guidance, without your work I would be completely rudderless in the relationship ocean.

Well, thanks for sending that in, but I think you need to chill and use humor and playfulness. You can’t let her know that you’re butthurt or you’re upset. Because, again, what you’re really trying to ascertain is, can I trust her? Is she a loyal and faithful person? Is this something to be alarmed about, or am I making a mountain out of a molehill? So the jury’s out. We don’t have enough evidence. So you got to continue to date and court her and look for the evidence and see what happens. Again, if she starts doing it, like, every week, multiple times, then you can say, this is inappropriate. I’m your boyfriend. We’re in a long term relationship and here you are. This is the third time this week you’re noticing some other guy and complimenting him. How hot you think he is. It’s like, that’s not nice. You’re just. That’s unloving.

You’re rubbing another dude in my face. And so my question is, is like, why? What do you hope to achieve? Are you trying to get my attention? Are you trolling me? Are you mad at me? Are you upset with me? What’s going on? Why would you do that? Why would you think that’s a nice thing to do? How would you like it if you know, every girl that walks by is like, man, I’d like to have that in my stocking for Christmas. You wouldn’t like it. It’s like, man, I wonder what she looks like naked. Ah. I wonder what it’s like for her to sit on my face. Humor and playfulness is the best medicine, and I would chill out just to see if there’s other signs that something may be amiss. Because again, you got to figure out, can I trust her or not? I don’t want to sleep with one eye open the rest of my life. Something to think about.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.