My Girlfriend Doesn’t Feel Loved, Appreciated or Heard

What it means when your girl says she doesn’t feel loved, appreciated or heard.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about a year now and read 3% Man, 8 times. His girlfriend of 4 months is already pressuring him to move in together, get engaged and married. However, she constantly assumes the worst and gets upset at him easily. She’s clearly insecure and needy. He thought he was doing a good job of communicating with her, but she claims she doesn’t feel loved, appreciated or heard. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “My Girlfriend Doesn’t Feel Loved, Appreciated Or Heard.”

Well, that’s not something you want to hear from your lady. So this particular email is from a viewer. He’s been following my work for about a year. And he says he’s read 3% Man eight times so far. And his girlfriend of four months, four whole months, is already pressuring him to move in together, get engaged and get married. That’s obviously too much too soon. So what does that tell me? She’s probably needy, probably really super insecure. She’s going to be a little neurotic and kind of a pain in the ass, and probably be constantly needing reassurance that you care.

And no matter how much reassurance you show her that you care, she’s going to doubt that you actually care, which is tiring. That kind of shit will wear you out. I mean, especially after four months. However, she constantly assumes the worst and gets upset at him easily. She’s clearly insecure and needy. So he thought he was doing a good job of communicating, but apparently she doesn’t feel loved, appreciated, or heard. And he’s like, what the hell do I do?

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

Been following your work for about a year now and have had better quality interactions with dating since then. I’ve been through the book about eight times now, and recently have been drilling into the topic of feeling understood and opening her up. My girlfriend of four months has very adamantly wanted to move in together, get engaged, get married, etc. however, recently it seems we have more bad days than good, where the smallest of things can set her off.

So what you’re dealing with is an insecure, needy, neurotic girl, and so you can’t even tell her that you love her, or you care about her because you want to give it as a gift to your heart. Because she didn’t get enough strokes from for mommy and daddy as a kid, and she expects you to make up for that. And if you don’t, you don’t match her unreasonable expectations that she probably doesn’t tell you about. And then she gets pissed off. And so somebody that wants to move in after four months, that’s a red flag.

You got to say, “honey, you’re great. We’ve known each other for months. Moving in together after four months and getting engaged, that’s way too much too soon. And we’re going to have to take things slow. I’m just not ready for that yet. And on top of that, we haven’t been getting along very well. And you’re always giving me a hard time about things. You got to be nice, easygoing, easy to get along with. Communicate like an adult. Be sweet.” Because girls that did not get raised properly by their fathers, they’re going to get upset and they’re going to be constantly not so much reacting to you, but reacting to, in essence, how they’ve been programmed to react and their families.

And so if she didn’t get enough strokes as a kid, she’s automatically going to presuppose that you don’t love her like mommy and daddy didn’t love her properly. And so she’s going to get upset. She’s going to feel hurt, and you’ll be like, “I didn’t do anything. I didn’t do anything wrong.” And she’s upset at me because she’s reacting to what happened in childhood. Not so much. She’s reacting to how you’re showing up. And so these are things that you’re going to have to discuss with her, because this behavior is going to have to change.

Because just dating a girl like this it will wear you out and you’ll get sick of it, especially when she’s getting upset with you and there isn’t a problem. It’s like what’s going on in her head is telling her, “oh, he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t care about me, just like Mommy and Daddy don’t.” And then she gets mad and nasty and abusive. I mean, four months in and she wants to move in and get married and have kids, and she’s giving you a hard time like this. It’s like, that’s not a good sign.

She doesn’t like a word I used, takes things I say very out of context, constantly questioning if I actually love her or not, telling me she thinks I’m wanting her to break up with me and keeps throwing it at me. 

So. Time out. So what you need to say to her is, “honey, I love you and you constantly questioning me whether I love you or not. You’re wearing me out. You can’t do this. You are incredibly insecure. You’re acting needy, you’re acting neurotic, and this shit needs to stop. If you need to go talk to a therapist, which might be a good idea to find yourself a good therapist. That would be great, because I’m not your emotional support human. I’m your man, and you’re being abusive because of what happened in childhood growing up.

And so if I tell you I love you, and then you don’t believe me, and then you give me a hard time and you get angry about it, it’s that’s not going to work for us long term. And you wanting to move in right away and get serious and get engaged after four months. It’s ridiculous. It’s way too much, way too soon. And especially with the way you’ve been treating me lately. It’s like I’m not going to marry somebody that behaves that way. I’m not going to move in with somebody that behaves that way. You’re supposed to bring peace into my life and joy into my life and love and intimacy in my life.

And instead you’re constantly reacting with your daddy issues and making me wrong and questioning me and doubting me. And it’s like you’re basically saying I’m a liar and I don’t mean what I say, and I can’t have that. I can’t have that from the woman that I’m with. That’s just not acceptable. And you need to knock it off. And so you obviously got some issues that you need to deal with. And you’re trying to make me deal with them. And that’s just not my responsibility.” As Jim Rohn said, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” And you’re not doing your part.

I court her, drop little love notes, am very present in our relationship, and do my best to provide a safe space for the two of us to grow. Were mock-living together at the moment. 

Yeah, dude, I wouldn’t be living with this girl. I mean, yeah, she can stay over and bring some stuff over, but don’t let her just move in with you. At four months that’s way too much too soon. It’s normal, women all do that. It’s kind of a gradual process. But for her to get rid of her apartment and move all her shit in with you. No, that’s not okay. Maybe after a year or two where it’s easygoing, easy to get along with. You very rarely have disagreements on things. But this kind of behavior you’ll get sick of it, and eventually you’ll just be like, I’m out.

I’ve really been trying to reassure her, talk to get all her feelings out, but it seems we’re stuck in a loop. I got this text from her today “I do not feel loved. I do not feel appreciated. I feel really really sad. I’m never heard.”

So what I would say is like, “What do you mean? Why would you say that? What would I have to do differently in order for you to feel loved, for you to feel appreciated and not feel sad all the time? You know I have to be able to go to work and live my life without you freaking out and going, you don’t love me, you don’t care about me. It’s tiring. I’m not an emotional support human and you constantly making me deal with your insecurities, your neediness, and your neuroticism is unhealthy for both of us.”

So my suggestion is that you go find yourself a good therapist and somebody to talk to help you with these issues, instead of abusing me with your trauma because that’s what you’re doing. You’re abusing me with your childhood trauma that you haven’t resolved. And that’s not okay. It’s not loving. It’s not kind. I don’t want to deal with this shit. I don’t want to deal with my girl constantly accusing me of not caring about her.”

“It’s insulting. So today is the last time this is ever going to happen. The next time you feel like saying, you know, I mean, you don’t care. You want to break up with me. Keep it to yourself. Go talk to your therapist about it. If you’ve got something that I did or said and it hurt your feelings, let’s talk about it. But to send me these nasty, unloving texts, it’s emotionally and mentally abusive and it needs to stop. It’s not healthy.”

How do I go about remedying this situation?

Very clearly there’s something I’m doing wrong and not showing up right on. 

Thanks,

Bob

Ask better quality questions. But your girl clearly needs some help because it’s not normal for a girl to want to move in with you after only a few months of dating. And especially pressuring you about it and wanting to get engaged, that’s not a good sign. That’s a good that’s a sign that she’s messed up and the way she’s behaving is inappropriate. And so maybe you’ll be able to just tell her, “it needs to stop. Don’t ever accuse me of not loving you again or saying I’m going to break up. I want to hear ridiculous shit like that. That’s insulting.”

“You’re basically telling me I’m a liar and that I’m not honest. And I don’t appreciate that at all. Just because I’m sorry for whatever happened to you in childhood. But that ain’t my fault. It’s not my problem. You need to deal with your childhood issues and your trauma. And there’s plenty of good therapists out there. Maybe you should interview 4 or 5 of them and go talk to somebody and get over this, because I don’t want to deal with this shit anymore.”

“I’m going to come home to baby, I missed you. How was your day? You look so great. I love that shirt on you. And you hand me a beer and you cook me a nice meal. And we have a good conversation. We make love, then we Netflix and chill the rest of the night and wake up in each other’s arms. And you wish me off for a good day. And I wish you off for a good day. And then I come back home and we see each other and we have a good time. I don’t want to come home with a woman that’s been stewing all day, ready to try to make me feel like crap. It’s like I want peace, I want joy, I want love, I want kindness, I want femininity.”

“If you’re upset, instead of being accusatory, just say, maybe I’m misinterpreting this, honey. But when you said this, you did that. This is how it made me feel. It’s like, well, if I’m sorry of what I did made you feel this way. It’s like that wasn’t my intent at all. I wasn’t trying to. I wasn’t trying to do that. You assumed that. And you’re wrong.” You gotta be willing to say that. But, you know, sometimes just setting a boundary and just saying, “this needs to stop.”

I’ve talked about this before. When I was with with my ex-wife, that, you know, she was very accusatory. It was partly because she could tell I wasn’t fully present. But anytime there was a pretty girl there, or we had friends over with their wives or whatever, and then they left. “Oh, you were flirting with her? Oh, she was flirting with you. Oh, she wanted to sleep with you, and you were inviting it.” Like what? After that happened several times, I finally just said, “look, this is your issue. I don’t want to fucking deal with this.”

“Don’t ever accuse me of doing something like that again or wanting to sleep with this co-worker’s wife or whatever. They just spent the week with us. That’s fucking ridiculous.” I didn’t see any of that. I was like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s insulting.” And to her credit, she never, ever brought it up again. And so maybe you’ll be able to set the boundary and that’ll be the end of it. But I suspect with this particular girl it probably won’t be. And probably her getting a good therapist to deal with whatever traumas or unresolved issues that she got, instead of projecting them onto you and then abusing you with them because it looks like dad didn’t love her and make her feel safe growing up.

And she was constantly disappointed by her father. And so she just assumes all men are like this. And so she’s reacting to how she reacted to her father, not how you’re actually showing up, especially when you’re taking the time to really go out of your way to make her feel heard and understood. That’s what’s going on here, is you’re basically dealing with her neediness and her neuroticism instead of her solving this problem herself with a good therapist. So it should be an easy thing to resolve.

But it’s all going to depend on if she’s willing to participate in her rescue and do something about it. And if she is, she’s got a chance. But as far as moving in like this, where you’re both cohabitating and you’re on the same lease and everything, you got to be dating for at least a year or two before you do something like that. But after 3 or 4 months, that’s not a good sign. The only reason she wants to move in after 3 or 4 months is she’s treating you like an emotional support animal or emotional support human instead of her boyfriend and her lover. And so she’s got some issues that she needs some professional help to work through.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.