My Girlfriend Flirts With Her Exes & Lies About It

What you should do if you discover that your girlfriend flirts with exes and lies about it to your face.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 24-year old viewer who says he has been a faithful student of my work for the past three years. He recently found out his girlfriend of a year has been flirting with her exes and hooked up with another guy several months into their dating, but before they were exclusive. This happened after he spent Valentine’s day with her.

He broke up with her for a month, but she convinced him to give her another chance. However, he feels like he cannot trust her and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Early on in the relationship and up until the last few minutes, this guy was thinking, “This is the love of my life. I’m going to marry this girl,” and now all of these things have happened. Trust is the hardest thing to get and the easiest thing to lose, and so even though he got back together with her and she seems to be honoring what she said, he still doesn’t trust her.

Viewer’s Email:

Corey,

I am a 24-year old male, I have been studying your work for three faithful years now, and I have read How To Be A 3% Man at least 15 times. My girlfriend is also 24, and I have been dating her for over a year now.  When we first met and started dating, I thought she was the girl of my dreams, and I was totally in love with her.

So, it sounds like that was his first relationship where he really got to feel the things that I talk about in “3% Man,” when you really click with somebody. And so, his first time through with those kinds of overwhelming emotions – because most men never get to experience that, to be quite honest with you – it’s going to blind you. You’re going to see red flags and ignore them, because your emotions override your logic. Just like in sales, we make all of our purchase decisions based upon our emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify it. In other words, we talk ourselves into believing our own BS.

However, she has put me through a good amount of trauma and situations throughout our dating process that caused me lots of headaches, and I need your help to figure out a solution. I found out recently that two or three months into us dating, not exclusively, she had oral sex and hooked up with another man, after spending Valentine’s Day with me, and never told me about it.

So, just like he said, he was totally in love with this girl. He’s thinking, “I’m going to make her my girlfriend.” He’s probably waiting for her to bring it up. And, typically, assuming you’ve got a normal woman, if you’re following what’s in “3% Man,” usually by about week seven, the woman’s going to be in love, and want to know where it’s going, and bring up being exclusive. The exclusivity didn’t happen for three months, so it could mean that she’s a fruit loop. It could also mean that he was a little dopey and displaying some weakness, which got in the way of her totally falling head over heels in love with him.

That’s typically what happens when it’s your first girl. Because women that make you feel this way, that you click with and you connect with on that kind of a level, you’re going to get maybe one to three of those kind of connections per decade. And so, when they come along, it’s hard to just go, “Oh, she belongs to the streets,” or “I’m breaking up with her.” You want to get rid of the benefit of doubt, because you know that it’s probably going to be a few years or more before that happens again and you click with somebody on that level.

Previously, when I asked her if she had ever had sex while we were dating, she lied about it and said no.

Remember, character is destiny.

When I came out and confessed that I had sex with a different woman, about two weeks after we went on our first date and hooked up, that’s when she finally came out and told me what she had done too.

So, he was screwing around with other women for about two weeks into dating her, and then those women just kind of faded away.

This confession was almost an entire year later, when she and I were officially together.

Keep in mind, this is after Valentine’s Day. So, it’s two to three months into them dating, and she’s hooking up with another dude. And he’s thinking, “Oh, I’m going to marry this girl” on Valentine’s Day. Meanwhile, shortly after Valentine’s Day, she’s hooking up with another guy. It’s obvious he was more into her than she was into him at that point. And that’s why I was saying he probably didn’t apply everything correctly, just because he was totally overwhelmed with his emotions.

And it’s not easy. I mean, you’ve read “3% Man.” I didn’t have a Coach Corey Wayne to help me. It took me a year and a half to finally get that balance right between pursuing too much and not pursuing enough. And it was hard, because your emotions, they really blind you and make it hard to do the right thing. And when you’re learning this it’s not going to be easy, because when you’re in it, it’s like you’re totally blinded.

I had also caught her DMing an old friends with benefits of hers on Instagram. This conversation had been going on behind the scenes for months while we were dating, and the guy even asked her to come visit her in Chicago. Of course, she was flirting back with him, teasing that she might come visit him in the following year.

That’s not good. It just shows that her mindset was that she didn’t value any kind of loyalty, monogamy or exclusivity at that point. And it was two, three months, he didn’t say exactly when they became exclusive, but in his mind, that’s where he was headed. But in her mind, you could tell she was a free agent. Play ball!

Weeks later, she had brought up the potential of her going to visit Chicago for her birthday the following year, which is in January.

So, right now, at the time of filming this video, we are in early April.

I brought up knowing what about the situation and threatened to walk away, because I wasn’t interested in sharing her with another man. She claims that I had it all wrong, and that she had no intentions of ever going to see him.

Yeah, she had no intentions of going to see him until she decided to. I mean, the bottom line is, at that time, she was entertaining it.

She claimed that she was wrong for flirting, but that flirting boosted her ego, and wanted him to “believe he could have her but couldn’t,” but it was all a part of “the game”.

So, she liked the attention and validation that she got from another man, or several other men in this case, even though she was progressing things and obviously spending a lot of time with him. I mean, this guy took her out for Valentine’s Day. And so, he’s acting like a guy that’s in a relationship and she’s, in essence, treating him like a fuck buddy who she has no loyalty to. These hoes ain’t loyal.

She is also still friends with her “first love” from high school, who she claims she has no more romantic feelings for, and that I am the man that she is “in love” with.

Well, maybe now she is in love with you, especially after you went no contact for a month, because rejection breeds obsession.

She even still communicates with him and his mom periodically.

I don’t see that as a big deal, but obviously seeing the Instagram messages where she’s talking about going to see this dude in Chicago, that’s not good.

All of these situations have built up a great deal of resentment for her and has really caused me to question, not only her character and actions, but myself. I eventually broke up with her and told her that I wasn’t comfortable being in a relationship with someone who is going to lie to me and choose other guys over me. She told me she was still “open” when we first started dating and didn’t feel she did anything wrong, because we weren’t officially together in a relationship when she hooked up with someone else, but since then and since we’ve been official, she has never done anything with anyone else.

Well, other than the texting exchange. Again, he doesn’t say. Maybe it was six months in, when they finally became exclusive, I don’t know. He doesn’t mention when that actually happened.

We eventually got back together after a month of no contact, because she kept reaching out, calling and apologizing for her behavior and promised to change. Though I agreed to it, I can’t help but feel like I cannot trust this woman.

Well, as Gerald Celente from of the Trends Research Institute says, “Current events form future trends.” And as Ronald Reagan used to say, “Trust but verify.” Trust that she’s changing, because obviously at this point, you gave her the chance. But the bottom line is you still don’t trust. You can tell her, “It’s going to take a long time before you earn that kind of trust back.”

And as far as the marriage thing, it’s like, dude, that’s a few years in the future. You shouldn’t be thinking about that right now. It’s too soon, way too soon. That’s what happens when you get in la-la land and get carried away by your emotions. You get all dopey. You start thinking wedding bells, “it’s going to be just like in the movies,” but you’re drunk on emotions, and emotions aren’t reality.

It’s really unfortunate, because this is the woman I thought I was going to marry, and I never loved anyone the way I loved her.

It’s understandable, dude.

She was my first everything. My first crush in college, my first Valentine, first love, first girlfriend, etc. Unfortunately, her actions are causing me to not trust her, or even have an interest in putting my best foot forward out of fear of having my heart stomped on again. Do you have any suggestions on what I could do?

I would tell her exactly that. I would say, “Based upon your actions and all of that stuff I’ve just recently found out, it’s going to take a lot of consistent effort on your part, honey, to prove to me that you mean the things you say. Because you lied to my face on several occasions, and you only came clean when I busted you on it. This is not going to go away in a couple of days, or a couple of weeks, or maybe even a couple of months. So, if you really, truly love me and care about me, your behavior is going to be perfect.”

And as far as the marriage thing, I wouldn’t be discussing that. That’s two, three years away, especially with her. You need to see what happens when she thinks things have returned to normal and she believes that you completely trust her. Trust, but verify, always. And then, maybe six months or a year from now when she really feels comfortable, then you can go through her phone or her messages and see if any of this kind of behavior is going on or if she really, truly did stop and really doesn’t want to lose you. She doesn’t want to lose her protector.

I do still have love for her, I am just hurt. Should I let it go, or leave?

Thank you!

Bob

Well, you already told her you were going to give her another chance to prove to you that she’s changed and it’ll never happen again. So, I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. But if I’m in Las Vegas and you’re saying, “Hey, Corey, you’re going to place a wager on this girl being loyal and faithful going forward or being a ratchet, I’m going to lean a little more towards the ratchet side, just because of her history. Because she looked you in the eye and lied to your face. But, like I said, you all you can go off of is her actions. And at this point, you’ve committed to give her another chance.

But I’m not you. I’m not walking in your shoes, I’m not looking through your eyes, I don’t know what you feel. I have an idea of what you feel on the inside, but I’d be honest with her, I would let her know. It’s like “I still don’t trust you. I love you. I love you death, but I just don’t trust you. It’s going to take a long time and you’re going to have to be patient with me. You’re going to have to earn that back every single day.”

But if you give her the benefit of the doubt and two, three months from now, four months from now, five months from now, she slips up and does it again, goes right back to the same behavior, then you’ll know she’s not capable of changing. And then you can walk away and have peace of mind that you gave her the benefit of the doubt. You gave her a chance to step up and to set the bar higher, if you will, and she completely fell on her face. And then you can leave for good, cut her out of your life and move on, lesson learned.

These things hurt like hell. This is not fun. I know exactly how you feel when your trust gets violated, because I’ve been in that position and it sucks. Especially when you were thinking wedding bells, and you were going to live together in marital bliss and relationship bliss the rest of your life, and then you get betrayed that way. It’s like, “Who is this person that I’m with?”

But, like I said, that’s what I would do. I would give her a really short leash. And say she starts pushing for marriage or getting engaged, just say, “Look, you haven’t earned that trust back yet. It’s going to take a long time. It might take me a year or two.” Let her think that it’s a long, long way out in the future before you get to a place where you’d be ready to do something like that. Let her wait years. I wouldn’t be in such a rush to get married because, depending on the state you live in, the laws are going to be completely slanted against you.

And that’s why I think a better option is a civil type of marriage, where anything you do, any property that you own, businesses that you start, investments that you guys make, you can come up with a business agreement, just like business partners do. And in the business agreement, it spells out what happens if things don’t work out. Despite your best efforts, if things don’t work out and you don’t want to stay together, how do you disengage and walk away feeling good about it?

So, you have to come up with all of that. If you’re going to buy a house together, you’ve got to detail all of that stuff. What’s going to happen? Who pays the mortgage? Who moves out, who leaves? Who gets the house? Do you sell it, do you keep it? What happens if the market sucks and you can’t sell it? Then, do you rent it out? Do you stay in the house? You’ve got to figure out all of these things. What’s the worst case scenario? Always know what your downside risk is in any deal.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book coaching session with yours truly.

“Character is destiny. People who lie to your face, violate your trust and break their commitments to you are revealing their true character. Despite what people say, the only thing that matters is what they do. People who value and take it as a personal point of pride to honor their words and commitments are rare. If you know somebody is lying and they know you know they are lying, but they still won’t come clean and admit their lie, they are not to be trusted.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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