My Girlfriend Has Too Many Ex’s & Male Orbiters Hitting On Her

What you can do if your girlfriend has too many ex’s & male orbiters hitting on her.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been with his current girlfriend about five months. She’s the hottest girl he’s ever been with. However, she often brings up her ex’s and male orbiters that are just friends, but clearly still want her or want her back. This makes him feel uncomfortable and they’ve talked about it several times.

He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

If you’re in a relationship with somebody and they’re constantly giving out their number and entertaining attention from other men, that’s not a good sign, because if you’re going to commit to somebody and then be in an exclusive monogamous relationship, you want a woman who’s just as committed to you. In other words, she’s not giving out her phone number to new men who hit on her, she’s not responding to guys who slide into her DM’s, she’s not constantly on the phone and texting with ex-boyfriends who are trying to get back together with her, trying to get her to meet out for a drink or dinner or those things. If a woman is head over heels in love with you and she’s a good person, those guys are all going to fall by the wayside and she’s just simply not going to talk to them. If one of them is kind of pestering a little bit, she’s going to say, “Hey, I’m in a relationship now, and it just would be inappropriate for me to continue talking to you, because I want to be respectful of my relationship and you need to be respectful of it.” A good woman will do that. A woman comes from a broken home or broken family, she saw a lot of a lot of cheating and lying and infidelity was modeled for her at home growing up that’s normal, she’s going to probably be a little naive and think it’s totally OK with being in touch with exes because again, that’s what her family was doing. Character is destiny.

Part of the vetting process is you’re trying to find out, “Can I trust this girl when I’m not around her? Am I going to be her primary focus if her girlfriends are talking shit about me? Is she going to defend me to them or her family or whatever it happens to be?” If a guy is hitting on her, she’s going to say, “I have a boyfriend,” or is she going to give him the green light to continue to pursue and hit on her? Girls that grow up in broken homes, didn’t have a dad, or have a bad relationship with their dad, they tend to like the attention that other men give them even when they have a boyfriend. So they’ll give out their phone number and say, “Oh, we’re just friends. It’s just friendly texting,” but in reality, if a woman is in a relationship and she gives out her phone number, or she’s chit-chatting with a guy who slides into her DMs that’s trying to get into her pants, those guys are going to think they have a chance and they’re not going to stop. They’re going to keep moving forward, and they’re not going to give a damn if she has a boyfriend or if she’s married.

So how she behaves when she’s not around you and what her interactions are like with other men is going to reveal whether or not she’s loyal and trustworthy and she’ll be a good, loyal, faithful and honest girlfriend, or if she’s going to act like she’s constantly, perpetually a free agent even though she’s in a relationship. Meaning when she’s talking to these guys, she never even mentions that she has a boyfriend. Women that are liars and cheaters often will do that. They’ll never say anything about their boyfriend, usually it’s often because they’re not super into their boyfriend, but again, if a woman is low character, she’s not going to think anything of it in her mind. It’s like, if it doesn’t work out, that’s potentially somebody else that she can date in the future. In other words, she’s kind of hedging her bets. So we’re trying to spot this behavior. It’s best if the woman thinks that you trust her, but obviously when these things up come up, you’re going to have to ask her more about it.

I was doing yesterday in one of the live streams that we were doing, there was a guy that was in there and he’s been with his girlfriend, I don’t know how long he’d been with her, but on two different occasions in the past three weeks, she’s mentioned a male co-worker and complimented him on what a great guy he is, or what a nice guy he is. What women tend to do is one of the things that the great Doc Love used to say is, “Women don’t lie and men don’t listen.” In other words, if she tells you about the guy from work that’s being really nice to her, he’s really nice, he’s very charming, or everybody likes him, he’s well liked in the office, that’s her way of divulging that there’s another guy she’s potentially interested in, and if you don’t get your shit together, she may end up dating him instead.

So in that case, if anything happens after the fact that she’s told you about the guy who’s just a “friend,” then if she ends up hooking up with him, sleeping with him, going out, having drinks or dinner or whatever late at night just one-on-one, and then she sleeps with him, “Oh, it just kind of happened,” but in her mind, if she told you about the guy a month before and, “Oh, this new guy at work, he’s a really great guy. Everybody loves him. He’s fun to hang out with at work. We all go to lunch together. He keeps everybody laughing,” if she’s constantly talking and glowing terms about another man who’s single that she works with, that’s usually her way of divulging she has interest in him and if you don’t get your shit together, she might monkey branch to him. So in her mind, if she hooks up with him in the future, she never actually lied about it. That’s why Doc Love says, “Men don’t listen.”

“Women don’t lie and men don’t listen.” In other words, she’s revealing there’s another guy potentially that she’s interested in, but the average guy is just kind of, “Oh, he’s just a friend from work. No big deal.” So if something happens with the guy, she’s like, “Well, I did tell him about him. He wasn’t concerned about it.” If she’s constantly bringing up a dude from the office or somebody that’s in her social circle and always complimenting and saying nice things about him, that’s kind of usually her way of saying, “Hey, this is your potential replacement if you don’t get your shit together.” So in that case, hey, she disclosed it. If you were too stupid to figure out what it potentially meant, well that’s on you.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I wrote to you about a year ago and got justifiably ripped apart for acting like a bitch in a relationship that blew up in my face…

Well, I’m not the feel-good, kiss-your-ass, “Oh, it’s wonderful. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. The universe will bring you the right person. Everything is going to be great. Oh, it’s so wonderful.” I’m not that guy. I’m not going to sit here and blow sunshine up your ass, because there’s plenty of people in your life who are probably doing that or willing to do that, when in reality you need a nice dose of reality. That’s why a lot of times when I start phone sessions with guys, one of the first things they tell me is like, “Hey Coach, if you think I’m being a pussy, please tell me, because everybody in my life is like, ‘Oh, it’s great. It’ll be wonderful. It’ll work out,'” and I just come right out and say it.

I’m not saying it to upset you or offend you. I’m just telling you the way things are so you can take corrective action, because I’m not going to blow sunshine up your ass. I’m going to be brutally honest, especially around these particular topics when it comes to family and relationships, because most men, when they get around a really hot girl that they’re really emotionally attached to and invested in, they can’t see reality as it is. They make excuses for ratchet behavior and then they get burned many months and sometimes years down the road. In worst cases, finding out that some of their kids aren’t even theirs because they ended up getting married or getting into a relationship and having kids with a woman that’s just not a loyal and faithful person.

…But it lit a fire under me and I spent the next several months drilling the material into my head. I lost count of how many times I read/listened to the book since then.

So when I’m doing that, when I’m giving a guy a roasting, what I’m doing, there’s a method to my madness. What I’m doing is I’m emotionally anchoring him to painful, unattractive behavior to move away from it. Then I’m emotionally anchoring him to pleasurable, attractive behavior that he will move towards. So he moves away from things that are painful or potentially painful, that’s a bad way to go or a bad way to think, and moves towards things that are going to lead him to the Promised Land and getting what he wants.

So it may just look like a roasting to you, but there is a method to my madness, because human beings do more to avoid pain than they do to gain pleasure. Through these videos and the things I talk about and the things I say, when it looks like I’m being harsh, I’m doing it in a way to shock the shit out of the guy and make him go, “Oh, I don’t want to do that. I want to move away from that behavior,” and vice versa. If somebody that’s just watching this video sees that same thing, they’re getting emotionally anchored to move away from that behavior and towards the behavior that feels good, that gives them the outcomes that they desire.

It’s just like what happens when you watch movies, when you think about the music, the mood and the feelings it elicits in you, especially when you watch a Transformers movie where there’s lots of explosions and stuff, every time I’ve ever gone and seen one of those kinds of movies in the theater, I sweat a lot. You’re like grabbing the seat real hard because there’s so much stuff going on. It’s a tense, emotional things that are happening in there. When you see those archetypes enough, you get emotionally anchored to it without even realizing it. In essence, it kind of brainwashes you and you don’t even know you’re being brainwashed. If you’re being presented with a dysfunctional archetype, you’ll get emotionally anchored to acting in a way that’s extremely unattractive. Then when you do that in the real world, you’ll repulse women.

So this way is one of the ways that I can help get you out of that and deprogram you, if you will, and reprogram you in the right way that’s innate and natural to all men and women so we move towards the things that are right, natural and innate and away from things that are unnatural and go against what is inside of us all and we act in alignment with the way the Creator made us.

I have been dating my current girlfriend for about four and a half months. She is probably the hottest woman I’ve ever dated, but by using your principles I remained in my center. She beat out two other attractive women I was seeing at the time when she asked for exclusivity after about eight weeks. She said that she loved me shortly thereafter. She often says things like, “I’m the best guy she’s ever dated,” posts me on social media and tells me she loves me frequently. Overall, I’d rate her attraction around an 8-9.

While I do love her and could potentially see a future with her, I am still trying to vet her…

Very smart. That’s the way you should be. In other words, you’re not allowing this woman to be your Kryptonite like you kind of did the last time. Again, that’s why I called you out and I roasted you, because I wanted to shock the shit out of you so you moved away from that unattractive behavior so you wouldn’t behave like that anymore. It would disgust you and repulse you.

…And something keeps coming up that bothers me that I would love your thoughts on.

Because she is extremely attractive and outgoing, she constantly has men hitting on her and sliding into her DM’s, including some guys she’s dated casually.

Well, if a guy is sliding into her DM’s that she doesn’t know, she should be ignoring that. If it’s somebody that she dated in the past, she should say, “Hey, I appreciate the interest, but I have a boyfriend.” She should be saying that, but if she’s like, “Hey, how you been? What are you doing?” The guy’s clearly hitting on her, clearly suggesting that they get together, she’s laughing and she’s going along with it, but not saying, “Hey, I can’t. That’s inappropriate. I have a boyfriend,” then that’s a problem.

A woman who is loyal and faithful is going to let other guys know, “I have a man” and she loves him, she’s proud of him and she wants everybody to know that because she wants to nip things in the bud. She doesn’t want guys getting the wrong impression. Women that come from broken homes, they’re going to continue to give out their numbers, they’re going to chit-chat with these guys, they’re going to like the attention that they get from them, even though it’s romantic attention and they’re not going to mention that they have a boyfriend or that they’re taken because again, they didn’t get enough strokes from daddy because daddy wasn’t around, they had a bad relationship with dad, or they just don’t respect their father. If they don’t respect their father, they’re not going to respect you or men in general.

What you want is a girl who loves her father, admires her father, respects him, looks up to him and says the kind of things like, “Mom and dad, all want to do is make you guys happy and proud.” When she says things like, “Yeah, my parents had a shitty relationship and that’s not a kind of marriage that I want to emulate,” or “That’s not the kind of relationship I want to have,” that’s the kind of thing that you should pay attention to, because usually if she doesn’t think her parents have a good relationship, oftentimes the dad is kind of squishy and kind of soft, he’s kind of a beta, she doesn’t respect him. If she doesn’t respect her dad, she’s not going to respect you because he taught her not to respect men, because quite frankly, he didn’t act like a man who was worthy of respect, and usually his wife doesn’t respect him either. Neither do the other daughters.

If the father doesn’t provide a strong, stable, masculine environment and check his girls and check his wife and the other women in his family, if he acts like a beta and they walk all over him and they treat him like a bitch, they’re gonna treat all men like a bitch and you’re gonna have problems.

She claims that she has never cheated on a partner when in an exclusive relationship, but has told me some concerning things about her casual dating history, such as monkey-branching, ghosting and has once alluded to having a “back-burner.”

In other words, a beta male orbiter who’s the backup plan in case it doesn’t work out with the primary guy, obviously in this case, you, who’s her current boyfriend.

She also often mentions various exes in daily conversation and frankly has told me way too much about her past sexual history which has made me uncomfortable. I have told her that I don’t need to hear about her exes because I am focused on the present with her, but it still occasionally happens.

Well, women are occasionally going to mention ex-boyfriends and things they did. The longer you’re with somebody, you’re gonna hear about those things.

She has been transparent in telling me when exes or orbiters message her, and I set a boundary around that by saying that if she wanted my exclusivity, she would shut that stuff down.

Exactly! She should be letting them know. If you’re seeing her DM’s or, “Well, are you telling them that you have a relationship or you have a boyfriend?” If she says, “Well, no, he’s just a friend,” I would be like, “He doesn’t want to be your friend. He wants to fuck you. Come on, you’re being naive.” “Oh, you’re being controlling. I can have male friends.” It’s like, “Not if you want me to be your boyfriend and be exclusive. You wouldn’t like me having hot female friends who are single and constantly hitting on me and trying to fuck me. You wouldn’t like me going out and having drinks and doing stuff like that one-on-one, because you’re going to assume I’m trying to fuck them or am fucking them. So why would you think it’s OK for you to do that with dudes?”

Again, if she was raised right, she’s just not going to do these things. If she wasn’t, you’re going to have to set healthy boundaries and see if she respects him. Some women will, but a lot of women who came from a broken home are just simply not. Again, that’s part of the vetting process. Some women are for fun and some women are for family. That’s what you’re trying to determine. If you’re looking for long-term and potentially family, somebody to build a life with, somebody to have children with, they got to exhibit the qualities that show that they value it. In other words, you got to have the same value system as them.

She seemed to respect that in the most offensive cases where dudes were clearly trying to get or get back with her. However, it also seems like she still might entertain a few of these men who she thinks want to be “just friends,” although that sounds naive to me.

That’s why you got to say it like across the board. It’s like, “You should not be giving these guys the green light to try or to make them think that you’re potentially available, or that they could potentially rip you off as my girlfriend.” The fact that she’s entertaining it, like it needs to stop if she wants to keep you as her boyfriend and needs to stop. Plain and simple. If it doesn’t stop, well then she’s a girl for fun and fucking, friends with benefits, sex playmate. That’s it.

That’s not wife material. That’s not girlfriend material. You’re not going to be exclusive with somebody like that, because if they’re not going to honor their commitments, if they’re going to give green lights to other men to pursue, then that’s not the behavior of a woman that values loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity. That’s a woman that was probably raised in an environment that was not very safe and she’s hedging her bets. If she’s hedging her bets, she’s assuming that it’s probably not going to work out with you and it’s better to keep two or three dudes in the background in case it doesn’t work out with you. She’s got guys to date right away.

Basically, by using your principles, I got into a relationship with an extremely attractive woman that I genuinely care about, and she seems to be in love with me right now. I do believe her when she says that she has always been faithful when she is in a committed relationship, but some of the things she’s told me about her extensive casual dating history have concerned me, as well as how often she mentions various exes and male orbiters in our conversations.

Yeah, if you have a girlfriend and you don’t want to constantly hear about dudes that are sliding into their DM’s because it’s clear she’s entertaining it, it’s clear she’s corresponding with these guys enough to the point where, in essence, she’s revealing this stuff to you because again, like Doc Love used to say, “Women don’t lie. Men don’t listen.” So she’s revealing to you the potential replacements for you. So why is she constantly telling you about potential replacements? Well, that’s part of the vetting process for her character.

It looks like you’re probably going to have some additional conversations with her as she continues to bring them up and just say, “Hey, once again, you’re telling me about XYZ. You’re telling me about guys that are trying to hook up with you, date you or sleep with you instead of shutting it down. I appreciate the fact that you’ve done it in most cases, but some of them, you’re still entertaining them. You’re giving these guys a green light instead of saying, ‘Hey, I have a boyfriend. I’m exclusive with him and it’s disrespectful for you to hit on me or ask me to meet you for drinks,’ or whatever it happens to be that these guys are doing.”

If she’s loyal and faithful, she’s going to shut it down. If she’s not, she’s going to make excuses. She’s going to act naive. She might tell you that you’re controlling. The bottom line is, her actions show that she’s not willing to shut it down completely. It’s like she’s leaving the door cracked for some guys.

I have tried to set boundaries around this, though it still occasionally happens. I would love to hear your input on whether I am being a butt-hurt insecure baby and is par for the course when dating an attractive woman or if this is genuine cause for concern.

Thanks for everything,

Bob

Well, if you set a boundary and she continues to violate it, well what does that tell you? Can you trust somebody that doesn’t respect your boundaries? She doesn’t respect you as a man it appears, and probably doesn’t respect men in general because again, there are still men, despite the fact she agreed to the boundary, she’s violating it.

So next time she brings it up, I would have this conversation again. It’s like, “Look, you committed to this, I committed to you. I agreed to be your boyfriend under these conditions, and you’re not holding up your end of the agreement. If you’re not holding up your end of the agreement, then what that tells me about you is you’re just not capable of being loyal and faithful. You’re still giving these guys a green light to try. You wouldn’t like it if I was doing that with other women, but yet you seem to think it’s OK to do it with other men. If it’s not going to stop, then I’m going to start dating other girls. We can continue to hang out, have fun, hook up and date, but I’m not going to be exclusive with you anymore because your actions are showing me that you’re not worthy of my exclusivity, you’re not worthy of my commitment, because you’re not honoring your commitment to me.” Plain and simple.

Like I said, next time she brings it up, I’d have a long conversation with her. If she continues to do it, well your choices are she’s clearly not going to respect your boundaries, and you can either put up with it, you can end things, or you can change your relationship to be one where you’re just going to date and sleep with who you want, because she’s clearly entertaining it. So you’ll be a free agent. She can be one of the girls in your practice squad. She can be your friends with benefits, but she’s no longer be going to be a girlfriend.

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