My Girlfriend Is Active On A Dating Site. What Now?

What it means if you find out that your girlfriend is active on a dating site.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been seeing a much younger girl for 2 years. She recently brought up being exclusive and he agreed. However, he’s just discovered she is active on a dating site. He wants to set boundaries, but worries he will look weak and insecure. He asks my opinion.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, doesn’t sound like his girlfriend is very loyal. So he’s been kind of seeing this girl for—she’s much younger—for about two years, and she recently brought up being exclusive, and he agreed. However, he just discovered she’s active on a dating site. So he’s thinking, “Hey, I need to set some boundaries.” But he worries that he’d look weak and insecure.

So if a woman—I mean, if you’re dating somebody for two years and she just finally, after two years, gets around to saying, “Hey, I wouldn’t like it if you’re still dating other women,” obviously it’s more of a booty call than a relationship. Because, I mean, this guy does—he says he’s been following me for about two years. But when you’re with a woman for about the same amount of time you’ve been following me, and it’s still kind of just not really even a situationship, it sounds like an occasional booty call.

And then she wants to lock you down, and you agree. I mean, two years. I mean, this should be happening in week six or seven if you’re following what’s in the book. In other words, she falls in love, starts hinting that she wants or is ready to be in a relationship. But when you go two years and she never brings it up, then that tells me you’re probably—there’s something you’re not applying from the book. Or maybe the girl’s a screwball. That’s possible as well.

Either that or, you know, you’re just making too many mistakes because if you’re—maybe he found me after he was already in the situation. And if you got a scarcity mindset, if she has all the power, if you made her feel like she has all the leverage over you, then she’s not going to respect you.

But none of that really matters at this point because she asked him to be exclusive, and yet, because he first—no, because there’s like two different messages. He sends his first email in, and then later, a few weeks later, he sends another update. He noticed she had a profile, and then when he checked it again, the profile had been active.

So after she locked him down, she continued to be active on the dating site. So what does that tell us? Character is destiny. She’s not obviously loyal, so that would preclude her from qualifying for exclusivity.

So then the question really becomes, it’s like, well, how do you handle this with her? Because if it was kind of a booty call, but she’s clearly keeping her options open, do you let on that you know? Should you have a conversation with her about it? Should you just start going and dating other women? All things to consider.

So let’s see what the particulars are. So I just spent—before, I may look a little sweaty, but I just spent 45 minutes in the sauna, took a nice shower. Here I am. So I’m feeling a little off a little bit because I feel like I want to go to sleep, but I’ve never done a video after doing the sauna.

Usually when I do sauna, it’s kind of later in the evening when I’m chilling. But I thought, “Hey, you know what? I don’t have to run today, so let me try the sauna in the afternoon and see what happens.” So here I am.

Viewer Email:

Hi, Coach,

I’ve been following you for two years now. I’m very grateful for your insights on relationships. I follow your model on how to be a 3% man, and it has changed my life. I have read 3% Man 9 times now and plan my next read imminently. You helped me once before by answering a question.

I have a question about the difference between establishing and maintaining boundaries vs. insecurity. Been seeing a much younger girl for about two years. It has been serious but not explicitly exclusive.

Well, it just kind of sounds like friends with benefits.

About two months ago, she asked to go exclusive. The conversation was prompted by her asking whether I am seeing other people and expressing discomfort with that prospect. I agreed to be exclusive to her, and we talked about what that would mean—no pursuing…

Remember, she brought this up.

…or entertaining attention from other prospective partners, etc.

Come to find out, she has an active online dating profile up. It’s uncertain whether and to what extent she is using it.

“Come to find out, she has an active online dating profile up. It’s uncertain whether and to what extent she is using it.” So this is still part of the first email.

I don’t want to put myself in the position of policing her, asking her probing questions—that’s not a dynamic that I like. And I think it diminishes me.

Well, I mean, the bottom line is that she wanted to be exclusive. But again, it took two years. And so now, after exclusivity, you find out she’s on a dating website. So you had these conversations, and you told her what you were willing to agree to, and she was supposed to abide by that. And she said yes.

But obviously, if you find her on the online dating website, she’s not capable. It doesn’t really matter what the explanation is. She’s still on the dating website. And you’ll see here he finds out that she’s active. And then, you know, it was like a week or two later he sent this other one in. So, I mean, that’s kind of like case closed. That’s an easy one to discern.

But again, a lot of guys are like, “Well, hey, I got Corey’s book. I’m a fixer. We’re gonna have a talk.” Well, again, she asked for exclusivity, but yet she continued to keep her options open. So really, the relationship should go back to what it was, which was—I’m sure you care for each other, or maybe you probably care more about her than she does about you, obviously, because she clearly ain’t trying to win your approval or validation. She’s keeping her options open. But it should go back to just being a booty call.

If it’s me in this case, I go, “Okay, if you just want to be a booty call…” I mean, her actions tell you where she stands. So under that condition, you go, “Well, I’m not going to be exclusive with somebody that’s like this because she’s clearly not doing it. I don’t care what her reasoning is.” We just recognize it. She went and unilaterally changed the terms of your relationship and didn’t tell you about it.

So if we go by her actions, we go, “Okay, well, I’m not going to be exclusive with her.” I recommend you practice safe sex. So if you’re going to treat it like a booty call, I wouldn’t even reach out anymore. I wouldn’t call, wouldn’t text. When you hear from her, you can invite her over or you can hang out. I really wouldn’t even spend a lot of money.

I mean, if you only see each other once or twice a week anyways, which is what I suspect—he doesn’t say, but I suspect that is what’s going on—because no woman is going to be okay with dating you for two years and not want to lock you down unless she’s just not that into you.

So then the question becomes how to move it back to—again, because she already made the decision. She already, you know, decided to continue dating other people. So you can do the same. Do you need to tell her that, you know, or do you just operate from a place of, “Hey, I’m going to see other people”?

And then maybe the next time you’re laying in bed together naked and she’s talking to you, maybe you bring it up. Just say, “Hey, oh, by the way, I just wanted to let you know that I saw that you had an online dating profile. One of my friends came across it, and I thought, ‘Oh, well, maybe it’s just kind of left over and she forgot to close it down.’ But then I noticed that you were active on it.”

“So I go, ‘Okay, well, you wanted to be exclusive, but obviously you don’t. So I’m cool with just being kind of friends with benefits and casual and being what we were before. And you’re clearly dating other people, so I’m gonna do the same.'”

Because if you’re looking for a girlfriend, exclusivity, it’s not going to be with somebody like this. And again, she asked for it, and then she broke it. So it doesn’t really matter what the excuse is. If you forgive her, “I’ll give her another chance.” Again, “I got Corey’s book. It’ll fix the girl from the broken home.” No, it won’t.

But you just gotta see reality as it is and act accordingly. You just don’t agree to be exclusive with women like this. Never. Never, ever. They don’t honor it. You forgive her, she’ll just do it again when she thinks she’s in the clear. Probably call up the same dude or dudes.

That said, it’s contrary to what she asked for and the arrangement we reached. How to deal with “infractions” like this without sounding like an insecure bitch?

Well, you can just start behaving just like she is. She’s deceiving you. Or she told you you guys were exclusive, but she’s not acting that way. So act the same way she is. Date whoever you want. Sleep with whoever you want. I’d practice safe sex.

I wouldn’t call, I wouldn’t text. I’d let her reach out and then just make dates. Maybe she comes over, you hook up. Maybe you go out and do something. Doesn’t really matter. But I would never agree to be exclusive again because she doesn’t keep her word.

If you’re thinking about family or kids or any of that, or maybe this is a girl you’re dating and you’re thinking, “Hey, she could be a potential stepmom to my kids,” it’s like, no way. Absolutely not. You just keep her as a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, until you find somebody who’s gonna keep the commitment.

But I mean, quite frankly, if you were okay with what you had before, which was just casually dating, then there’s no reason to not go back to that. I mean, she already has, obviously. She just doesn’t know that you know.

I don’t want to just walk. And I don’t want to silently transgress the agreement myself.

Okay, well…

My preference would be to ask and affirm we have an understanding. But I am wary of the impression it creates.

Update:

One material change. I now see that she is currently active on the app. I can’t know what she is doing. But she’s logging in.

It’s like, well, doesn’t really matter. That’s not what a loyal woman who honors her commitments does. That’s what a liar and a cheater does.

So, it’s not something she “forgot.” Just as important, I’m now policing, which is not something I want for myself.

I can ask, but it will be easy for her to minimize it.

“Oh, it’s—oh, I forgot to close it down.” Well, yeah, but you’re actively on there. “Oh, well, I just, you know, seeing what had happened, I was closing down those messages.”

I think it’s either walk or stay but put her into the “casual” category.

Yep. Now you’re thinking right.

And I think I need to be forthright about that—not sneak around myself.

I appreciate your help.

Bob

Well, you could just say, well, she’s already sneaking around herself, and you can date and be casual with whoever you want, and you can tell her whenever you want. Maybe when you’re sleeping with somebody else, maybe beforehand, it’s up to you. I’m not here to be your priest or your judge or tell you what, you know, how to live your life.

But this girl clearly is not girlfriend or wife material. She’s casual, as you say. So the question is up to you. How do you want to let her know that you’re also treating it casually? Because she clearly is. So that’s on you. If you want to honor what you said, you don’t want to sneak around.

And like I said, next time you guys have sex and you’re laying there naked, you can just say, “Oh, hey, I just want to let you know I saw your dating profile, and it was active, so I just assumed that means that you and I are really casual. We’re not exclusive because I’m not going to be exclusive with somebody that’s dating other dudes. So I’m cool with that.”

“I just want to let you know that I know what you’re doing or not. It’s like, it doesn’t matter, but you’re on the app, so that’s a deal breaker for exclusivity. I won’t commit to a woman ever that’s going to ask me to be her boyfriend and then go on dating apps and talk to other guys. This was clearly laid out. I gave you my terms and conditions under which I would only date and see and sleep with you, and you’re clearly violating that or looking to violate it. Doesn’t matter at this point. You broke your word. Character is destiny.”

“But I still like you. You’re still cute. And quite frankly, you’re a lot of fun. And I like having fun with you with our clothes off. So I’d like to keep doing that. And I want to date. I’m gonna date other people, obviously, because you’re clearly doing the same. And once I find somebody, I’m going to probably ride off into the sunset with her, if that’s what you’re looking for. But, you know, you want to keep hooking up.”

So if, based on what you put in here, that’s how you want to handle it, then the best time to bring it up is right after you just fucked each other’s brains out. And then you can say, “Oh, by the way,” in your own words, obviously of course.

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