My Girlfriend Is Crossing The Line With Mean Spirited Trolling

What it means and what you should do when your girl trolls you in a mean spirited way.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating his girlfriend for about a year. She comes from a broken home and has been cheated on by her past boyfriends. She’s very insecure and worried he will cheat on her. She trolls him constantly and is mean spirited to the point that it’s insulting the way she talks to and trolls him. He’s so tired of her behavior that since she doesn’t make the relationship easy and effortless, he’s considering dumping her.

He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, that’s not good.

In this particular email, he’s dating a woman. They’ve been together about a year. He says she’s really insecure and super worried that he’s going to cheat on her. Why? Because her last boyfriend cheated on her and she comes from a broken home. It’s gotten to the point now where it’s like he can’t even look in the direction of a pretty girl, or she assumes or accuses him of doing something bad. Yet when she’s with him, she points out other guys that she finds attractive and stuff and just does and says things to him that are that are mean spirited to the point where it’s just insulting. So he’s like gotten to the point where he’s so tired of her behavior because she just doesn’t make it easy and effortless.

I say this all the time. Find a girl who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, a girl who is nice to you. This girl is not being nice to this guy, and all you can really do in these situations is you can set healthy boundaries, but if she’s not going to respect them, there’s not a lot you can do. You either put up with it or you break it off and go find somebody who will treat you the way you want to be treated, because there are women that are just too screwed up to have a healthy relationship. There are women that come from fucked up backgrounds, and no amount of you being a good guy or being rich or being handsome or being good and bad or showing her a good time is going to change her. The only thing that changes women like this is to have enough boyfriends that leave them when they act like a complete jackass. That’s just a fact of life, right?

I got the two puppies in here with me so they don’t go crazy and start barking. It’s just me. I’m the only one here. The girls aren’t here yet, so we’ll get through it. Right Rocky? This is Rocky, in case you guys have probably seen him on the podcast. He’s got Ocean down here.

Anyways, on to our regularly scheduled email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey

I’ve had a situation with my girlfriend trolling me but in my opinion crossing the line. I’ve been applying the principles in 3% Man very closely, so it’s not my game that’s the cause. My girlfriend is a jealous and insecure person.

You’re looking for two happy, whole, complete people that can share their completeness. It’s not your job to fix somebody or to save them or to fix their bad upbringing or their shitty attitude. Whatever you tolerate, you invite more of.

No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. So this guy is trying to put the square peg in a round hole. Probably because she’s really pretty and he really likes her. He’s focused on his interest in her, but it’s gotten to the point where they’ve been together for a year, they’ve had conversations about this issue, yet it’s not changing. You got to see people as they are not better than they are or worse than they are.

When you’re in the honeymoon phase, which typically lasts six to 12 months, right now he’s starting to come out of the honeymoon phase, where he’s kind of starting to see this girl’s reality and he’s sick of her shit and he doesn’t like it, and after a year together, nothing has changed because this is who she is and every guy that she’s dated before him has probably put up with this crap. So the fact that he sticks around and puts up with it, he tells her he doesn’t like it, then she does it again and he continues sticking around. Well, in her mind this is acceptable because he just puts up with it. If you tolerate it, you invite more of it.

Her parents had a fucked up relationship, that involved her dad cheating on her mum and in her last relationship she got cheated on. Despite our really strong connection, this relationship hasn’t been easy and effortless due to her at times difficult behavior. She’s very insecure and worried I’m going to cheat on her and has said she’s scared she’ll lose me. She’s 30 and I’m 27. This is my first relationship and we’ve been dating for a year.

So she’s even three years older than you. At 30 years old bro? That’s what you got. That? What’s happening now is you’re coming out of the honeymoon phase and you’re past the la la land, and you’re getting to the point where these things that have always kind of been there are irritating you because you’ve spoken up about it, yet what happens? Nothing changes. She just feels entitled to do this because again, she’s 30 years old. She’s been this way for decades. This is what her parents modeled for her.

So you’re showing up at age 30 or 29, I guess when she was 29, when you started dating, and nothing has changed. It’s not your job to fix her. It’s not your job to save her. If she won’t treat you the way you want to be treated, if she won’t meet your minimum standard level of behavior, then you either put up with it or you leave her to go find somebody who will. To stick around and put up with this crap and expect that she’s going to change for you at 30 years old? I just don’t see that happening.

What’s her motivation? If she’s cute, she’ll probably have the attitude of, “I’ll just find another guy. He’ll put up with it.” It’s not until these women get much older and no guy wants to stick around or they just find some dude that they can browbeat into submission that’ll put up with it. Unfortunately, there’s so many weak ass beta males in this world, she’ll probably find a guy that will put up with it. So it’s like, I wouldn’t deal with this, especially now that you’re a year into it and it’s just not gotten any better. If anything, it seems like it’s getting worse because if you tolerate it on some level, she loses even more respect because deep down she knows her behavior is inappropriate, yet she does it anyways because that’s what her parents modeled for and probably her previous boyfriends put up with it. I would venture to guess that more likely than not, she dumped all of the exes.

I don’t mind being teased, and always have a good and fun comeback. What I don’t enjoy is when we’re watching a movie, she comments on guys that come on screen, like, “Oh, he’s a hunk,” or making comments like she’s finding the guy attractive or big. I’m average height and build, in decent shape, but no Instagram model and has at times tried to say, “Where’s your muscles? You’re tiny,” Trying to belittle me.

You want a woman that’s your biggest cheerleader and fan who builds you up. Not a chick who’s looking for every reason to belittle you, browbeat you and squish you like a bug mentally. That’s what she’s doing. She’s putting you down because she feels like shit about herself. So when she does those things, you’re going to say, “Look, that’s not loving and that’s not kind and I don’t appreciate it. Don’t talk to me that way,” and if she keeps doing it, then just spend less time with her and you got to say, “Look, if you’re not going to cut this out, we’re not going to stay together. I’m not going to keep dating you. I’m not interested in spending time with a woman who thinks it’s her life mission to belittle her man.”

You need a woman who is your biggest cheerleader and fan. Not a woman who’s going, “Oh, your muscles are small. Oh, look how handsome that guy is. Why can’t you be more like him?” You don’t want to put up with that. Like, have some self-respect.

For me, I find that to be insulting and mean more than teasing. The latest time she commented on a guy on screen I was annoyed and she could tell. I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting so I kept it in until the next morning when I said, “This is bothering me. I want to talk to you about what you said last night.” I said, “When you make comments like that about other guys, it makes me feel like you don’t have my back.” She said, “Oh, I can’t acknowledge when people are good looking.” I said, “If I did that when a woman came on screen or in public you wouldn’t like it.”

Yeah, especially if she’s insecure and is paranoid that he’s going to cheat on her. I mean, now you can kind of see why every other guys have cheated on her, because they get sick of her shit and they just stick around until they find somebody else because they don’t like her, they don’t respect her and she doesn’t respect them because she doesn’t respect herself.

Again, she’s got to be easygoing, easy to get along with. Most importantly, she’s got to be nice to you, and she’s not nice to you. I can’t fix that. All I can do is give you the tools to make an intelligent, informed decision and attract and keep the women that you want, but this woman’s got some serious character flaws and issues that the book can’t fix those. If she’s unwilling to change her behavior, if she’s unwilling to respect your boundaries, if she’s unwilling to live up to your code of conduct and treat you nice, then you got to throw her ass back to the streets. That’s what setting and enforcing healthy boundaries are. You set the boundaries and it sounds like she continues to violate them.

If she doesn’t respect you and your boundaries, well you either stay and put up with it, or you leave and go find somebody who will treat you nice. Life is hard enough. You don’t need a woman in your home or in your castle who’s constantly trying to sandbag your success and browbeat and belittle you to keep you in line. That’s just not healthy.

She said, “You can say what you want about other women,” she wouldn’t mind, which I know isn’t the case and I said, “No, that’s not what I do because it’s not how I was raised. To me respect is very important.”

Well, obviously to her it’s not. So from that perspective, you got a value conflict.

She then said, “OK, I won’t do it anymore,” and continued to passively aggressively belittle me, making more comments like “Tiny” and “Little,” but hidden in what she was saying. I could tell it was designed to annoy me, and she continued being passively aggressive. It wasn’t till later I realized how much it bothered me and when we were on the phone I told her that I wasn’t happy about what happened and that she was rude the other day. She apologized and said she wasn’t feeling herself.

I feel I handled this correctly as what she was doing was disrespectful and crossed a line in my opinion. She’s checked out another guy in front on me in public before as well, which I didn’t like. I’m getting to the stage where I’m considering dumping and finding a more respectful, agreeable woman. Was I right to put her in her place?

All the best Coach,

Bob

Yeah dude! You got to set and enforce healthy boundaries. I talk about this all the time.

The other thing you got to keep in mind is, somebody who’s constantly accusing you of lying and cheating, they’re projecting. No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. If she comes from a family of liars and cheaters, she’s been lied to and cheated on in the past and she’s constantly accusing you of doing things you shouldn’t be doing even though you’re not, well that means that she’s projecting. If she’s noticing other men in front of you and rubbing them in your face, that’s disloyal, that’s unloving, that’s unkind. That’s not something a good woman would do. That’s somebody who’s used to lying and cheating would do. It’s not loving, it’s not healthy and she needs to stop.

The next time it happens, you need to sit her down and say, “I’m over this behavior, I’m over the accusations of lying and cheating constantly, I’m over you rubbing other men in my face, I’m over all the insults, the belittling and the passive aggressive behavior. If it doesn’t stop, I’m going to break up with you. I don’t like to say that, but it’s at the point where I’m just not happy. I want a girl that’s easy going, easy to get along with and who’s nice to me, and you’re just not. This shit’s gone on long enough. So if you value what we have, you’re going to stop this behavior permanently. If you don’t, then we’re not going to stay together for very much longer. It’s got to stop. Either stops or I’m going to stop seeing you. It’s as simple as that, because I’m not going to put up with this.” You’re going to have to draw a line in the sand.

If I was a betting man, I’d say more likely she ain’t gonna respect it. She’ll probably be good for a few days or a few weeks, and then she’ll just revert right back to being an asshole, because that’s who she is. If she’s been cheated on, her parents cheated on each other, exes have cheated on her, if we look at her behavior, the behaviors of a woman who’s really not loyal in the first place and that she’s projecting that onto you and trying to make you feel bad when she’s the one that’s drooling over other men and rubbing it in your face, that’s not loving. A woman who loves and cherishes her man is not ever going to do something like that, and vice versa.

Just like he said, she wouldn’t tolerate him doing that towards other women when she’s around. She’d flip out about it. So she wants to be able to do it, but he’s got to be perfect. That’s a double standard and that shit just does not fly. I would just based on her actions and the fact I’ve been doing this shit 20 years, the only person that really you have to worry about lying and cheating is her. So I’d give her an ultimatum. It stops. You don’t ever want to fucking hear about it again. You don’t ever want to have another dude rubbed in your face again. You don’t ever want to hear her accusing you of being unfaithful or disloyal. That’s an issue she’s got, “You’re the one that came from a fucked up background. Your family’s fucked up. You should have never gotten serious with a girl like this in the first place because again, she’s got a relationship with a father who’s a liar and a cheater. Like, what do you think is going to happen? She’s gonna project her standard and code of conduct that she learned from her dad onto you. She doesn’t respect her father. She ain’t gonna respect you. She just doesn’t respect men in general.

I don’t see this as being fixable, but I don’t see her changing because she’s 30. I would give her an ultimatum. You need to tell her very clearly what needs to change permanently, and if she goes back to it, if she’s good for a couple of weeks and then three weeks from now goes back to insulting you or noticing other men in a sexual way and rubbing it in your face, you’re out and you go find somebody else. He’s already at that point anyways because he’s frustrated. That’s going to happen. You’re going to date women who are just not going to treat you the way you want to be treated, and you’re going to have to cut them loose.

I know most of you don’t like to be single and in a relationship, but you can’t make good wine from bad grapes. It’s not your fault that she’s fucked up like this, but it is your fault if you continue to stick around and put up with it, because then you’re tolerating it and inviting her to do more of it. You’re literally giving her permission to treat you this way because there’s really no consequences for her doing this to you. She knows you’ll get upset and complain about it, but in a few days or a week or two, it’ll blow over and then she’ll go right back to doing it again because she thinks she can get away with it. This is normal to her. She wasn’t raised in a normal, healthy environment, and you’re trying to make good wine from bad grapes and that’s on you. So I’d give her an ultimatum. Tell her it needs to stop permanently and if it comes up again that you’re going to tap out and she can go be single and date somebody else because you’re just not going to put up with it. You want easy going, easy to get along with and a girl that’s nice to you, and she’s just not nice to you.

Like I said, I don’t think she’s capable of it because she’s 30 years old and you’ve been together for a year and the behavior hasn’t gotten any better. It’s still the same. She might be nice for a couple of days, and then she just reverts to it. You got to see people as they are, not better than they are or worse than they are. Like I said, it’s the reason why he stuck around all this time is because he was projecting his high interest onto her, but now that he’s coming out of the honeymoon phase, he’s like, “This fucking sucks.” I feel for you, dude.

So give her the ultimatum. More than likely, she probably will violate it again, and then you’re just going to have to throw her back to the streets and don’t get involved with somebody that’s like this. When you see that she’s nasty, don’t keep making excuses for it. It’s not your job to fix it. This is what her family did to her. You can have compassion for her because she’s this way, but that’s on her. That’s on her family. Then you can walk away with peace of mind that you gave her every benefit of the doubt. When I’ve had situations like this in the past where I’ve ended relationships with girlfriends, as unpleasant as it is breaking up, I don’t go back just because I gave her enough times. I gave her enough chances to get her shit together. If they won’t treat you right, then it’s time to move on.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.