What it means and what you should do when your girlfriend is hanging out with an ex-hookup in a group setting.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whose girlfriend is hanging out with a group of friends she’s known since college. One of the members of the group is a guy she used to hook up with when they were still in college. He trusts her but doesn’t like it. He asks my opinion on what it means and how he should tactfully handle the situation.
She tends to hang out with the group late, as they like to go out and drink together. The alcohol being involved and late-night partying is obviously not ideal, because that’s when naughty things happen between adults. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
If she wants to have your respect and your love and everything that goes along with being in a relationship, she’s not going to behave like she’s single. I can understand going out, having dinner and a few drinks, and then after dinner, dipping out and coming home to you. But if she stays out all night until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning with this group, if she’s drinking with everybody and one of the dudes is there that she used to hook up with, it’s pretty obvious that he’s probably going to try to hook up with her again. It’s just naive to think otherwise. It’s just not appropriate behavior if they’re doing that.
First, thank you for your work and everything you do, it has truly improved my dating life and general well-being. I recently started seeing a new girl a few months ago, and after following your work, she asked for a relationship about 7 weeks in. Your advice really does not fail. Things have been going well since. However, I’ve been thrown for a loop over a current situation.
My girlfriend and I recently graduated college and now live in the same city where we met. She has a group of friends from college that also live in the same city. One of her friends has a boyfriend that she’s been dating since the start of college, and my girlfriend has known him and his friends for a while because of this.
She also has happened to have hooked up with one of the guy friends while in college. Now, every once in a while, (maybe once a month), she’ll hang out with that entire group. The person she previously hooked up with has recently moved back to the city we’re all in, so he is now a part of that group again.
Well, how come you aren’t invited to these things? If you’re in a relationship with her, why is she not inviting you?
Luckily, I know all of this since my girlfriend told me about it, because she didn’t want to keep it from me or have someone tell me that wasn’t her. Even though I do trust her, I feel odd about her hanging out with someone she used to hook up with, especially if it involves going out at night or anything drinking related.
Yeah, if she’s staying out until 2:00 in the morning and you don’t see her until the next day or a few days after that, that’s kind of suspect. But that’s the kind of thing I would have the conversation of, “I don’t mind you going to dinner and having a couple of drinks with everybody, but if you’re going to stay out until 2:00 in the morning, I mean, I know how guys are.
The reality is, if this guy used to hook up with you and just recently moved back, most men are not going to give a shit that you’ve got a boyfriend or that I’m your boyfriend. They get a few drinks in them, and they want to get some strange, he’s going to make some moves on you. If you get too drunk, a lady who cares about her relationship and how things look is just not going to put herself in that situation.
She’ll go out, she’ll have dinner, she’ll catch up, maybe have a couple of glasses of wine, but after that, she’ll be like, “Hey, it was wonderful seeing everybody. I’m going home to my boyfriend now,” or, “I’m going over to my boyfriend’s house.” That’s what should be happening. Because a woman who still acts like she’s single when she’s in a relationship is not somebody you should be committed to in a relationship.
And so, you obviously need to have a conversation with her about this. If she gets dinner and a couple of glasses of wine at dinner, then she leaves afterward, that’s fine. But if she’s going to bars and nightclubs and staying out until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, and drinking alone with everybody else, that’s just disrespectful.
Your girlfriend, and you can say this to her, would not like it if you were going out with a bunch of your college friends, there were women there in that group that were horny and hitting on you that you used to sleep with and staying out at the bars and the nightclubs until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning. So, there’s not way she should expect that you’re going to be okay with her hanging out with a guy she used to hook up with, even if it’s in a group setting until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning when everybody is drinking. It’s just disrespectful.
A married woman who has a family is not going to go out and do these things without her husband. A woman who cares about her relationship, I want to know why is she not inviting you, if it’s only once a month, to come out to dinner with everybody. Because if she doesn’t want you there, that’s a problem. That shows that she’s got something to hide.
And if you guys are really close, and really tight, and she’s head over heels in love with you, she’s going to be stuck to you like a sucker fish, and she’s going to want you to meet all of her friends and family and want you to be involved with all of them. Plus, she’s going to want to show you off to everybody.
I’m mainly unsure of the guy and his intentions. What do you think I should do in this situation? For example, next week she is going out with a few of her girlfriends and the guy group to a bar at night. She invited me, but I won’t be able to go this time.
It’s a good thing she invited you.
Should I be okay with her going without me?
Yeah, as long as she comes home at a reasonable hour, not if she’s staying out until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning. Just because, if the guy gets a few drinks in him, most men, (and you don’t know this guy), they don’t give a shit. They’re going to try to hook up.
When I was in real estate back in the day, I watched this stuff happen so much with people in our office. You go out as a group, there were people that we worked with, people that we knew that were in relationships, and their significant other wasn’t there. There’s plenty of single dudes in the group, alcohol is happening. You have an instance where things weren’t going well in the relationship that week or two, or she’s not as happy, and an affair happens. Infidelity happens. Cheating happens. It happens all the time.
Us experienced dudes know how things work. It’s one thing to go out for happy hour, have a couple of drinks, and then leave. Or maybe dinner and one or two glasses of wine, and then leave. But when you’re staying out late at night like that, you’re behaving like a single person.
A woman who is concerned with loyalty and making sure that things look good and don’t look bad to her boyfriend or her man, because she doesn’t want to jeopardize her relationship, is not going to stay out until 2:00 at a VIP table in a club. It’s just not going to happen. Girls that belong to the streets are going to complain and bitch about it, and then they’ll still cheat on you. So, this is part of the vetting process.
Should she choose not to go, since we are in a relationship now?
Well, if it’s just dinner and a couple of glasses of wine and then she leaves afterward, no big deal. But if she’s staying out all night partying with them, that’s not okay.
I am really stuck over what to do and find myself going back and forth on being okay with her going or not. Your advice would be greatly appreciated here.
Well, that’s how I would address things with her. It’s a simple situation to see how she reacts. If she gets angry and pissed off and wants to stay out until 2:00 in the morning, what that communicates is she wants to behave like a single girl.
And if she wants to behave like a single girl, you’ve got to say, “Hey, that’s cool, but I’m not going to be exclusive with you anymore, and I’m going to start dating other women. I’m not going to be exclusive to a girl that wants to go out until 2:00 in the morning, especially in a group setting with a guy she used to hook up with. That’s just disrespectful. I’m not naive, I’m not gullible. I know how these things work. People have some drinks and, ‘Oops! It just happened. His penis ended up inside of me.'”
And if she’s like, “Oh, you don’t trust me,” it’s like, “It’s not that I don’t trust you. I don’t other trust men, especially a guy that you used to sleep with.” Most guys don’t give a shit. They really don’t care if you’re married or in a relationship when they want to hook up. They don’t give a damn, especially when they get a couple of drinks in them. And I know this from personal experience. I’m no angel.
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