My Girlfriend Is In A Cult. Is This Fixable?

How to know if your relationship is fixable if your girl is controlled by her church.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer whose girlfriend is in a cult like church. The church wants her to date and be with another guy, but she’s with him. She hid this other guy from her parents and him until he found out.

They haven’t had sex because of their religious values, but he wonders how to get rid of the other guy who her church is twisting her arm to date. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who says his girlfriend is, I guess belongs to this cult-like church, and I guess apparently the people that run the church are trying to get her to date some guy that also goes to the church. They even refer to this guy as her boyfriend, even though they haven’t gone out on a date, but they’re clearly trying to twist her arm to do what they want. I guess they don’t like this guy because he’s not a member of the church. On top of that, he didn’t even know about this other guy until he found out about it recently.

So she was hiding the fact that her cult-like church is trying to get her to date some guy from the church, and she’s also hiding it from her parents, so she’s kind of being dishonest. Plus they haven’t had sex yet because he said that’s their religious value. So I don’t know if that means that there are no sex until marriage or they’re allowed to fool around, but no penetration or what they’re actually doing because he doesn’t elaborate. He’s got a girlfriend who goes to church, and the church is constantly trying to hook her up with some guy there. On top of that, she kept it from him.

If you’re in a relationship with a girl, that’d be kind of something you would want to know, but she kept it from him. She kept it from her parents. So that shows there’s some level of deviousness on her part. So he really likes her and he’s wondering, “What can I do to to get rid of this guy?” Basically. Well, if you’re gonna agree to be her boyfriend, she should not be entertaining this and she should be shutting the church down, but she’s not for whatever reason. On top of that, she lied by omission to keep it from you and her parents. So that’s not good either.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

First off I want to say thank you for all you do. You and your content have truly changed my life and for that I am incredibly grateful. That said, my name is “Bob…”

We know he’s not really Bob, but we always use Bob and Jessica to protect the names of the innocent.

…And I have a pretty interesting scenario for you with this email today.

I am an 18 time reader of 3% Man and I am proud to say I just finished the most recent 10 reads within the last 90 days. This situation matters to me deeply and I wanted to commit to the book in reflection of that.

The last several months I’ve been dating an absolute 10 from Lithuania. She has modeled before and is one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever met. We talked for several months prior, and despite signs of high attraction, her actions didn’t mirror her “All in the numbers” indicators, which I found to be strange.

So in other words, he’s looking at the table, the attraction table, It’s All In The Numbers, the chapter where I write out here’s what a woman does based upon her high interest. So if he’s expecting her interest to be higher, when he looks at her actions, they’re not the actions of a woman with really high interest. Well, we have to bottom line the actions and realize her interest isn’t that high. That would kind of make sense for her behavior, especially keeping this other guy about him.

No self-respecting guy is going to like to find out that there’s some other dude her church is trying to push on her, and she’s not giving push-back. She tells the guy she has a boyfriend, I believe. I think he said that. Well, we’ll see as I get further in the email, but still, this is not a situation I would want to be dealing with.

As a result, I doubled down on the book, realized I was over-pursuing, even a bit, and successfully hung out, had fun, and despite not hooking up for mutual religious reasons, became as intimate as possible in our way.

So when he realized that her attraction was not where it should be, he got back into the book and realized that he was over-pursuing. So good on you for doing that. Most guys would keep flying blind until they get rejected.

She introduced me to her family, who were incredible, and we made plans to go to her home country for their annual Christmas party.

Well, at least Lithuania is having their annual Christmas party because in France and all over Germany, they’re canceling them because they have a problem with too many jihadists in their society. So they don’t want to upset the jihadists, and clearly, the barriers are not working that they put up so people can’t drive cars through them. So they’ve decided the politicians, instead of deporting the animals that would not be allowed to practice the strain of Islam that they’re trying to practice, they wouldn’t allow that shit in the Middle East, they don’t allow it in Saudi Arabia, they don’t allow it in the Emirates, the European politicians are like, “You know what? We’re just going to have to cancel Christmas because we got a jihadist problem, but we’re not really willing to do anything about it because diversity is our strength.” Because Lithuanians got oppressed pretty heavily by the Soviet Union. From what I’ve heard from people that were there, friends of mine that were there, the Lithuanian Special Forces were some of the best that they worked with. These guys would basically throw in their body armor and their underwear when it was really fucking hot and ride around in their motorcycles, and the Taliban were scared of them because these guys were fucking ruthless and fearless. So they did not like mixing it up with the Lithuanians. They preferred not to, let’s put it that way.

With that said, she was oddly secretive about some communication, often calling me from her work number, and not her personal phone.

Yeah, so this is deviousness. That’s not good.

It ends up, the church she goes to has been manipulating her to try and become exclusive with another guy, who she hid as a secret from her family, prioritizing the church’s opinions over theirs, and her own desires. She freaked out when I found out about him and has shut down into silence for the last three days.

Well, quite frankly, it kind of looks like your girlfriend had a sidepiece. So she just freaks out and disappears. That’s not a good sign. I mean, I would think that she would want to. “Can you explain to me why the people in the church think you’re dating this other guy, and why you only call me from a work number?”

I stayed cool, calm, and collected and treated him like a non threat, as this church is not exactly known for churning out high character stars LOL, let alone 3% men.

Well again, if you’re her boyfriend and she hasn’t shut this shit down, I would have a problem with that. It doesn’t mean you just allow her to entertain another guy behind your back, which is what she’s doing. So quite frankly, it kind of looks like she was cheating on you.

We weren’t exclusive directly but obviously going to the extent of introducing me to her family, telling me, more passionately than I’ve ever heard from another girl that she loves me, etc are not indicators of low attraction LOL.

Well, at the end of the day, you’re clearly more focused on your interest in her and you’re kind of ignoring a lot of glaring reality that you should not, which A) There is another dude in the picture. B) You’re not exclusive, even though I think you referred to her as your girlfriend… Not his girlfriend. He doesn’t say it in there. I thought he did, but again, he’s entertaining this shit. Whatever you tolerate, you invite more of.

So again, he thinks that she’s really super into him, but again, he’s really more focused on his interests in her and completely ignoring the fact that she’s not as into him. I mean, if a girl really, truly loves you, she’s going to want the world to know. If you’re really applying what’s in the book and you’re just dating a girl and you’re not telling anybody that you’re dating her and you’ve been together for a while, she’ll get mad. “How come you don’t tell anybody that we’re together? How come you don’t tell anybody that I’m your girlfriend?” That’s the way it should be.

Unfortunately, it seems like this religious community, despite me having my masters degree in theology from the top school in America, is trying to convince her against being with me in favor a guy who attends their service. The church, not her, calls this guy her boyfriend, to which I joked, “If that’s the case, you should see how she talks to me” with that James Bond smirk.

Well, at the end of the day, you’re not really doing anything with her other than hanging out and having fun, and it kind of sounds like a gay male girlfriend. Maybe you’re getting manipulated by her because, as you said, you’re not really going anywhere, not doing anything physically because of your religious values and it looks like she’s two-timing you. In other words, she’s got you, and then she’s got this other guy, and she kept this other guy secret from you. So that’s not a good thing, dude.

You act like you’re a stud and a lady’s man, and you got this girl wrapped around your finger. In reality, she’s been lying to you and punking you, and I assume spending time with this other guy. So why would they be referring to him as a boyfriend if they hadn’t at least been out on a few dates or hung out? Plus, she’s disappeared. Well, that kind of looks like she’s guilty. Like she got found out that she had another boyfriend or another guy she was dating.

Apart from this weirdness, the girl marks every box on my list is a once in a decade if not longer connection.

Dude, you’re not having sex with her. It just sounds like you’re friends and you’re all enamored with your fantasy that you’re projecting of who you want her to be, and you’re ignoring the fact she’s been lying to you through omission. Once you found out about this other guy, now you haven’t heard from her in three days. It’s like she got busted and the jig is up. That’s not a good sign.

Both yourself and those listening understand the power in that.

Well again, this power really is a fantasy in your head because she certainly does not seem to be placing the same high priority on you being in her life that you are on her being and your life.

I have several other girls as well but obviously not on her level here, which I’ve never found before her.

Well again, this all really is just projected fantasy and you’re kind of ignoring reality.

Is this a knocking out the competition kind of scenario or should I be more concerned about this church influence over her?

All the best and thank you,

Bob

Well, I’d be more concerned about the fact she’s lying about this by not telling you about it, and the fact once you found out about it and you let her know that you know about this guy, now she’s just completely disappeared. So it sounds like she’s a little conflict-avoidant, and you still don’t really know what’s going on. Her actions are the actions of a woman who is guilty and found out that she was cheating on you. Again, you talk like she’s a great love of your life, but in reality, you’re just kind of hanging out. So it doesn’t really look like you have a serious relationship. It just looks like it’s a situationship. You maybe occasionally fool around, but you don’t really take it that far, because maybe you’re making excuses because you just say, “Oh well, this is our religious values,” but at the end of the day, she’s got another guy that she’s talking to.

If it were me, I’d be taking a step back because she didn’t tell you about this other guy. You’re not exclusive, and you’ve clearly invested a lot of time and energy on somebody that doesn’t view you in the same way that you view her. At the end of the day, you also said you were over-pursuing. So if a woman’s in love with you, she wants the whole world to know about you, but the fact that she’s kept you from everybody, or maybe she’s told the church that she’s seeing you, again, the fact that she’s willing to entertain this other guy shows that you’re not really that important to her, even though you’re basically saying, “Oh, this is a once-in-a-decade connection.” The connection is supposed to be mutual, and it don’t look mutual. It looks like it’s mostly all in your head.

So as Ayn Rand said, “You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.” So if you haven’t heard from her in three days and she was seeing another guy, I’d be taking a step back and wanting to spend time with somebody else. Spend time with other women. If she never, ever reaches out again, then I would just ride off into the sunset. I would not chase after a girl that would behave this way. She tells you she loves you and everything, but yet she’s got another guy on the side, something is a little off dude, and you should probably pull your head out of your ass and stop being so delusional.

If it were me, I would just be dating other women and not be so focused on your feelings, because at the end of the day, if you care more about her than she does you, she’s gonna like you less. That looks like what’s going on here. It looks like you got a little full of yourself and put the cart before the horse. So I be dating and entertaining other women, because that kind of looks like a deal breaker. I mean, she’s been dating another guy and lying to you all the time and telling you how much she loves you, but it just looks like she’s been blowing sunshine up your ass, and you’re believing everything that comes out of her mouth. So that’s on you.

It’s great you read the book a bunch, but if you’re not really applying it, then that’s on you. If you were applying the book like you should be, she should have been head over heels in love with you and wanting to be boyfriend/girlfriend and wanting to tell the world and everybody. Yeah, you’ve met her parents, but the the lack of honesty and the lack of her being forthcoming about this, that is troubling. That doesn’t look good for her. I’d be investing my time and my energy elsewhere with a woman that’s not going to do this kind of shit, because unless she reaches out, I’d ride off into the sunset. If you go chasing after her when she’s already ignoring you and you haven’t heard from her in three days, that’s not a good sign.

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