What you should do if your girlfriend is needy, lazy, complains and creates unnecessary drama.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says his girlfriend is needy, lazy and broke, complains about anything and everything and creates unnecessary drama. He loves her and she loves him, but she constantly disturbs his peace of mind. He’s basically in love with her potential while ignoring her undesirable qualities that cause him to not want to be around her. He is trying to fix her and her problems.
He wonders if he is not being supportive enough or if he should simply break up with her and find a woman who has her life together, instead of staying with a woman who acts like an immature child. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This email really brings up the important point of why it’s not your job to fix or to save somebody. You’re looking for an equal, a teammate, somebody that’s on your level. Now, there’s nothing wrong with, as a man, you leading your girl and encouraging her to do better and then seeing her actually take action and do better. But to stick around, trying to fix somebody or to save somebody that’s really not participating in their own rescue, instead of having a partner or a teammate, it’s like you end up taking care of a child.
A guy wants to come home and have his girl be his escape from the difficult world that we all live in, instead of “Let me go home and try to encourage her to do more, to take care of herself, to hang out with better quality people, not to complain so much, not to be so needy, etc.” As we go through this email, you’ll be like, “Man, it’s got to be tiring to be with somebody like that.”
I am in love with a girl that’s coming from a needy place mentally and financially.
Again, you want an equal, you want a teammate. If she’s broke and you’re successful… I mean, it doesn’t mean the girl has to be rich, but she’s got to be able to hold down a stable job, pay her bills, make her car payment, pay her rent on time, those kinds of things. That’s like minimal competency. Otherwise, you’ve got a project. And who wants a Frankenstein girlfriend project?
She comes from a household with a weak (now dead) father figure and a domineering mother who is very controlling and emotionally abusive.
You can tell right there, she’s going to have a lot of issues. “Emotionally abusive,” so that’s going to have a negative effect on her self-esteem, her confidence. If you’re being emotionally abused by your parents and your family, after a while, especially as you’re a little kid, you don’t have any way to defend yourself, you start turning inward and you think, “Hey, it’s all my fault. There must be something wrong with me.” And it becomes hard to overcome that, especially if you don’t seek any kind of help, or self help, or therapy or anything like that.
This led my girlfriend to drinking and doing drugs at a young age, all the way up until age 30 when I pulled her out of the bar and showed her how to live more consciously.
So, he definitely is in there trying to white knight this girl, “I’m going to save her from her terrible life. I’m going to fix her, solve her problems.” Damsel in distress.
Her upbringing shows in her interactions with me. She is constantly putting on a sweet voice and asking me to look at things she has done and compliment her for validation.
Which you should do, naturally. “Oh, honey, look! I got my nails done.” “Honey, they look beautiful. Why don’t you come over here and run them up and down my back?” Feminine energy grows through praise, so make sure you praise her. Praise the things you like, I should say.
It gets downright annoying when I can’t focus on my work and she’s making noises every minute in the background because I’m not spending time with her.
Well, just acknowledge her and praise her, whatever it happens to be, and say, “Babe, I’ve got to concentrate. I’ve got to work. I’ve got to work on this. You’re amazing. I’m going to be with you later, give me an hour. But those nails are great, and I love that dress. You look amazing. I love that new perfume. You smell candy. Once I get done with my work, I’m going to ravish you properly.”
In addition to attention needs, she has no car…
Thirty years old, and no car.
…and is constantly dependent on others to make her life work.
So, she’s basically a non-functioning woman. How is she going to run a household? If you’re working and bringing home the bacon, how is she going to take care of the kids? She can’t even take care of herself.
This creates major stress with others (family) who do not want the dependency. She has been putting effort into starting her own business.
Yeah, she really sounds like the type that’s going to run a successful business.
Though since leaving the bar scene, she just needs transportation to get it off the ground and running.
You’ve got a project here.
I have no doubt that she is in love with me, but I have to constantly wonder how much of it is due to me being financially sound, (she knows I am fairly well off). When she asks for things and I don’t comply, I get the “you don’t care” talk after a while.
So, she guilts you into doing the things that she wants you to do. That sounds like loads of fun. Barrels and barrels of fun, truckloads of fun, even.
If I bring this up to her, she gets angry and defensive, saying I am accusing her of having false intentions.
Well, if the shoe fits.
This makes me even more suspicious. I feel like having a kid with her could be a nightmare with all the drama in her family and constant complaining.
Yeah, because it’s not just her you’re going to be with. What is her family going to be like? Are they a net plus, or are you going to be thinking, “You know what, why don’t we move across the country and get the hell away from these freaks.” My parents, when they got married, they were happy to move away, to get away. What’s interesting is my dad’s family moved from New York or New Jersey when he was a kid, because they were trying to get away from their families that were just interfering and a pain in the ass. So, I can relate to that.
You know, as Tony Robbins says, “Love your family, but choose your peers.” And so, that’s the thing you’ve got to consider. You’ve always got to know your downside risk in everything. And if you have a kid with someone like her, and her family’s just constant drama, well, that drama becomes your drama. And that’s how your kid’s going to be raised and think that is all normal. Is that what you want? It’s up to you. Personally, no way.
It’s like they really love it.
Well, they don’t know any better. They’re emotionally conditioned to think that that is normal. Obviously, you don’t. That’s not your world. That’s not where you come from. But as long as you’re with this girl, that’s going to be part of your life, and you have to decide whether or not you’re willing to put up with it. I can’t make that decision for you. But like the mugs say, Drama free zone.
When I took her on a trip to Costa Rica, she complained during the downtime that we weren’t doing enough…
This is something that doesn’t own a car, doesn’t work. And you take her on a trip to Costa Rica and all she does is complain. That sounds like so much fun.
…even though I was paying for food and entertainment completely.
Unless, of course, you were just lounging around the hotel or hanging out at the beach. Costa Rica is beautiful.
She said she would pay me back before we went and never did.
Well, if she’s not working, where is she going to get the money from? So, her words and her actions didn’t match. She told you she was going to pay you back money and she did not. That’s an integrity issue. You should pay attention to that.
When I gave her a bracelet for her birthday after over a year of dating, her reaction was good but not what I would expect. Like “thank you” but not very excited.
“Yeah, thanks for the bracelet.” I wouldn’t be buying her expensive gifts then if she don’t appreciate it.
The thing that keeps me in it is that she is so into me. She calls 3 times a day, wants to be together every day, and really treats me right, aside from all the talk about all the problems in her life. Also, she’s beautiful and the sex is great. I just constantly hear about her family and how argumentative and broken they are, and I can’t help but think she is unconsciously dragging me into the dilemmas.
What you observe, you participate in, my man. So, congratulations. You get to participate in the family drama, whether you want to or not.
I feel peaceful and productive when alone. I feel like I deserve a beautiful woman who also has a solid career and emotional stability, and to be with the girl I am with is to settle, compromise myself, and give way more than I receive from the relationship financially.
Well, as a man, you shouldn’t really be looking for the woman to take care of you financially. But at a minimum, I mean, she’s over 30 years old and she can’t even get a job, can’t even get a car, she depends on everybody. So, everybody around her in her life enables her laziness. That’s who she is. That’s what you got. At 30 years old, I don’t see that changing.
Am I being a weak male who is not supporting his lady enough, or do I need to get the hell out of here?!
With reverence and thanks,
Well, that’s up to you. I can’t make that decision for you. Me, personally, I would never date somebody like this. I would not date somebody that can’t pay their bills, can’t even hold down a job, doesn’t even try to get a job. And on top of that, somebody that constantly complains.
What you could do is give her 90 days. Tell her what you want and what you expect if you’re going to stay together. Just say, “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and here are the things that I’m not happy about. These are the things I’d love to see more of, and these are the things that I, quite frankly, don’t want anything to do with. I want to see you get a job…”
And you funding her business when she can’t even hold down a job, you might as well stack your money in a pile and light it on fire. You never should care more about somebody else’s success than they do. And guys get themselves into trouble thinking, “I’m going to fix this girl. You know what? I just need to give her money for a business and help her start a business.” And you end up running the business and doing most of it. It’s like, she has no idea.
She should just get a job, something that she enjoys. Obviously, the bartender thing’s an issue because there’s lots of drugs and alcohol around it. But give her maybe 30 days, 45 days, maybe 90 days. Tell her what you want, and this is what you need to see from her consistently. You don’t want to participate in the drama in the family. You want to see her on her own, get her life together. Not because you’re writing checks for her, but because she’s actually doing it.
And this thing with her business, it’s like, she doesn’t sound like an entrepreneur at all. Owning your own business is hard. It takes a long time, a lot of effort and you’ve got to think about it 24/7. And just from what you’re telling about this girl, her running a business, it just sounds like you’re going to be wasting your money. And again, you’re projecting what you want her to be onto her, and you’re completely ignoring the fact that she doesn’t have a pot to piss in. She says one thing and does another. She told you she’s going to pay you back, and she didn’t.
It’s like, me personally, I would have never gotten in a year long relationship with somebody like this. But you’ve got to do you, boo-boo. So you have to just decide, does she have the same goals and values. From from a work ethic standpoint, it doesn’t sound like she has the same values. If she can’t even hold down a stable job, how is she going to run your household? How is she going to take care of your kids, or even remember to pick the kids up from school? I wouldn’t want to be dealing with that.
Down at the end of the email here, he came right out and said it. He says,
“I feel peaceful and productive when alone.”
So, instead of her adding to your peace, she’s taking from it, she’s disturbing it.
“I feel like I deserve a beautiful woman who also has a solid career and emotional stability, and to be with the girl I am with is to settle, compromise myself, and give way more than I receive from the relationship financially.”
Again, the financial part, you shouldn’t be looking for that. The one thing she needs to be able to do is at least pay her bills – pay her cell phone, her rent and all that stuff. It’s like, she’s not even doing that. She’s not even a minimally competent woman. And she was like this before you met her. This is a result of what her family did to her. I think it’s a nice, noble thing that you want to take care of this fair maiden and save her, but she’s not even participating in her own rescue.
And so, if it was me, I’d give her an ultimatum, maybe 30 to 90 days max, saying, “These are the things I want to see out you if we’re going to stay together. Otherwise, if you’re not going to do these things, then we’re going to have to split up and go our separate ways.” See if she steps up. I don’t think she will, but you can give her the opportunity as one last ditch effort to see if she will participate in her own rescue.
And if she won’t participate in her own rescue, hey, you gave her the benefit of the doubt, and she didn’t do it. It’s not your job to fix her or to save her. She’s got to be willing to do that herself. And if she’s not willing to do that, then let her family continue to deal with her, because they’re the ones that did that to her. It’s not your fault, bro.
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