How you should handle and respond to your girlfriend when she is grumpy, cranky and PMS’ing.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss and email from a 46-year-old viewer who has been divorced for a little over a year. His new girlfriend gets really cranky and grumpy when she is PMS’ing during that time of the month. He’s called her out on her cranky behavior, she apologizes and then does it again the next day or a few days later. He asks how he should handle this.
She tends to get verbally abusive, and it’s simply not healthy to tolerate abuse from your woman. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
As we know, masculinity is calm. And women are always testing our strength. And one of the ways that they like to test our strength is to troll us. And this is especially so when it’s that time of the month and she happens to be PMS’ing. So, what is the best way to handle it when your girl just gets moody? It’s going to happen. It’s going to happen with you. You might be high stress, high stress, career, high stress job. Maybe you’re just having a bad day, and you get short with people, You get angry, you get grumpy, you get a little pissy, and you’re governor, if you will, is not causing you to hold back. You just kind of let it rip. What’s great is, the way that you deal with this, really the way you deal with people in general that tend to be cranky is, you don’t take it personally. You understand and remember that, just like I talk about in 3% Man, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment.
So, don’t get pissed off about the weather when it doesn’t match your expectations, because it’s a waste of energy. You just have to learn to accept things the way they are. And so, you’re going to typically go with the flow. You’re going to use humor, and playfulness, and messing with her, treating her like a bratty little sister. But sometimes it crosses the boundary into just verbal abuse, because some women have got no chill. Especially women that that didn’t grow up with a strong, masculine father in their lives, they’re going to be abusive at times.
No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. And so, it’s important, if your girl gets really cranky, really bitchy, really grumpy during that special time of the month, that you’re going to use playfulness and humor and tease her about it. But if it crosses a line into abuse, then you’re going to remove yourself from the situation. If she’s just being a bitch to you on the phone, you’re like, “Hey, you know, I understand you’re not feeling well,” or whatever. But if you’ve used playfulness and she’s still determined to be a bitch with you, then you’re going to say, “I like it when you’re nice to me, and you’re not being nice to me right now. So, if you’re not going to be sweet and playful, then I’m going to hang up, and you can call me later when you’re in a better mood. Because it’s not fair for me to have to sit here and tolerate or put up with this.”
Most women, especially women that come from good families, typically will understand what you’re communicating and will be cool. But I understand that not every guy watching this has that luxury. They’re already married, or they’re already in a relationship with a girl that is crossing the line into abuse. So, in that case, if after you use humor and you use playfulness they’re just really, truly in a foul mood and no fun to be around, the best way to handle it is to remove your presence from the situation. Because you’ve decided ahead of time that you want to be happy, you want to enjoy your life, you want to be in a good mood and people around you are just absolutely determined not to be. Especially if it’s not just your girlfriend, but your daughters, your sisters, women that live under the same roof tend to all get in the same menstrual cycle. And so, if you’ve got daughters, or if you’ve got multiple women who live in your house, now, you’ve got several bitchy girls that you’re having to deal with. So, that just adds to good, clean fun.
My name is Bob. I’m a elevator mechanic that’s 46-years-old and feel like I’m just hitting my stride in life.
You know what’s interesting is, a good friend of mine, we’ve had this conversation over the last few years. We’re both the same age. I’m 53, he’s 53, and I kind of feel like I’m just getting started in life. For those of you that have read “Mastering Yourself,” most people, by the time you’re done with college, you’re on your own. You have your own apartment. Maybe you’ve gotten your first car, and you’ve got a car payment. You’re completely on your own, where your parents aren’t still giving you money, or buying you gifts, or things of that nature. It’s typically about 22 to 25 years old for the average person.
So, if you think about it, you’re 25. For me, I didn’t graduate college until I was 25, and then I got married the next year when I was 26. That was kind of like where I was finally off the family teat, if you will. And so, I’ve got basically 28 years of adulting under my belt. There has been a lot of ups and downs, and you make a lot of mistakes when you’re younger, because you just don’t know what you don’t know. You don’t know any better. Men hit their stride, and when you look at statistically what their peak earning years are, it’s typically when guys get into their 50s. That is when they’re the most competent, confident and successful in life. And that’s when they’re typically going to make the lion’s share or the majority of their income, because they’ve achieved a level of competence and success.
Because we get paid based upon the value that we bring to the marketplace. We get paid for our reserve of knowledge, developing our gifts, our skills and our talents. So, I can totally relate to this guy’s sentiment that he feels like he’s just now hitting his stride in life. Plus, he went through a divorce last year. And especially, coming across a book like mine, you go from having difficult relationships – having the kind of relationships with women that maybe aren’t really your ideal, or you always feel like you never got the quality woman that you deserved – and you learn what’s in my book and the things I talk about in my videos and you apply it, the quality of your life, the quality of your relationships, and especially the quality of women that you’re able to attract is going to increase significantly. And what this does is it contributes to your overall sense of well-being in life. Because the idea is repetition is the mother of skill, and you’re supposed to get better at this thing called life as you get older.
First off, I want to say how spot on you are with dealing with women and other relationships in a guy’s life. I’ve been divorced a little over a year and, frankly, I knew my marriage was over way before then.
Yeah. It’s just not easy. Especially if you live in a blue state, nobody is like, “Oh, wow, I can’t wait to go through this divorce. It’s going to be so much fun.” Because it’s expensive, it’s unpleasant, especially when you get attorneys involved, and you get other “helpful” people. Maybe your ex-to-be starts dating somebody else, and he thinks he’s being helpful. He’s, on some level, a little jealous of you and worried that she may want to come back to you. So, he does things to kind of muck the water up and polarize her towards you, so she moves closer towards him. And these are just things that, us guys, we have to deal with in the modern world.
Your book, 3% Man, helped me through the ending of my marriage and, I feel, set me up for success in a new relationship. I met a beautiful woman with lots of the same interests and beliefs as me, and we have a lot of fun together. She’s a triathlete and stays in good shape. She has a good job, (professor), and is financially independent. I have 2 children (girls) who are thriving post-divorce. We all get along well, my girlfriend lives about 40 miles away, and frankly, I think it’s been a blessing, as when I have my kids, there is some separation, and it tends to grow attraction between the both of us.
Well, it’s absolutely true that absence does make the heart grow fonder. It’s also a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And having separation by 40 miles, it’s not convenient. Like, “Hey, I’ll be over in five minutes” or “I’ll be over in ten minutes,” is a lot different when it’s 40 miles away. And then on top of that, if you’re dealing with traffic, you could be an hour, hour and a half, so it’s not really super convenient when you live some distance from one another.
I know, last night we went to see a movie, and by the time we got out of the movie theater, it was almost midnight. And so, we’re driving back and we’re on one of the main interstates, and all of the fucking exits are closed. The exit to get on the interstate is closed, so I’ve got to drive. Then I finally do get on, and then just the way a construction tends to work, you’re dealing with the government, they don’t do things efficiently and they don’t think ahead. It seems like everything is set up to just piss you off and inconvenience you as much as possible. And so, what should have been a 20 minute ride, because there should have been hardly anybody on the road, we’re basically sitting in traffic at midnight because they’ve got all the lanes funneled into one, and you’ve got one piece of equipment doing work. And so, that’s life.
So, you can imagine somebody that’s 40 miles away, and then you’re dealing with the local incompetence, or the state government that decides to tear the roads up and can’t seem to figure out how to do it efficiently without inconveniencing the hell out of everybody for years on end. But that’s life. When life gives you lemons, you’ve got to make lemonade. It definitely can be to your advantage, because absence does make the heart grow fonder.
When I don’t have my kids, we spend almost all of my free time together. It’s starting to become an issue and has been a source of disagreements. It’s like you say, she’s all over me, constantly texting, calling, making plans all the time.
Well, if you’re 40 miles away and you’re going to continue to get closer and closer to one another, ultimately, if you’re goal is to get married or to have a live-in girlfriend, somebody is going to have to move. That’s just a fact of life.
The issue that has come up is that she tends to get a little butt-hurt when I tell her I need a day or a half a day for myself, or taking care of my house, or making plans with a friend.
Well, one thing that would be helpful for you to explain to your girl is, you’ve got to say, “Babe, you’ve got to understand how us guys are. Ladies, y’all tend to solve your problems by talking and listening and sharing with one another. Us guys, we’re different. We tend to internalize things more. In other words, we want to go sit in the man cave, maybe put on some music, pop a beer, have a smoke, contemplate, maybe read a book. Do some things in the garage, hang out in the tool shed. Or maybe just go have a few beers with the guys to blow off some steam, and unwind, and talk about things that guys talk about. We’re not going to be sitting there talking about our emotions and our feelings and all that stuff, even though all the feminists and the woke idiots tell us that ‘It’s got to be 50/50, and this is the way it should be. Men should talk about their feelings. It’s okay to talk about your feelings.’ This is just not how we’re wired.”
No matter how much the feminists and the woke idiots want to try to re-engineer and cause human beings to act in ways that are simply unnatural with their essences, their masculine and their feminine essence. So, as you’re explaining this to her, it’s like, “Don’t take it personally. It has nothing to do with you. Just like when it’s that time of the month and you’re grumpy and bitchy has nothing to do with me. It’s just what you’re feeling. It’s the moods, it’s the emotions, it’s the endorphins, it’s the chemicals in the body, and we all get to live with that.”
“But what you’ve also got to understand is, us guys, we want to spend time alone in our man cave away from you, not because we don’t want to be with you, but because we need to be fully present with ourselves and internalize things. And this is our process. As men, this is our process for resolving the issues, and contemplating things, and coming up with solutions. And so, after we’ve spent time in the man cave and spent time coming up with a solution, or hanging out with the guys, and having a few beers, and sharing experiences, or contemplating how to solve common problems together, then we come out of the man cave, because we’ve resolved it. And we may or may not have a solution to share. We may just matter of factly, after we’ve come up with a solution, tell our girlfriends or our wives what we’ve come up with, and women have to respect that.”
And so, you should tell her in the future, “When I need time by myself, don’t take it personally. It has nothing to do with you. I’m going to say this. I’m going to say, ‘Hey, I just need a little time in the man cave,’ and when I’m ready, I’ll give you a call, or when I’m ready, I’ll come over, or I’ll let you know. And, like I said, don’t take it personally. It has nothing to do with you. It’s just our process as dudes.”
And it would be helpful for your girl to understand that if you’re kind of quiet and you’re kind of focused on something, maybe you’re on the computer, or maybe you’re on your tablet device, or you’re going through some documents and some paperwork, she can feel when you’re not really giving her 100% of your presence. And if she feels that or she picks up on that vibe, that in essence, we just want to be left the hell alone, she can just say, “Do you need time in your man cave?” And you can just say, “Yeah, babe, thank you.” Give her a kiss on the lips. Spank her on the butt. Pinch her in the butt. Maybe pinch her nipples a little bit, and send her on her way, so you can spend time in the man cave.
And once you’ve had that time to yourself, maybe it’s just an hour or an hour and a half when you get home from work, you want to lock yourself in your den or your office and contemplate and unwind. Maybe have a cup of tea, maybe spike your coffee with a little Jack Daniels, whatever it is you do. Have a cigar, smoke a funny cigar, whatever your process is to unwind. You need to communicate to your girl that you need that time. And it’s not helpful if she wants to sit in there and get you to talk about your feelings. You just need time by yourself.
It’s just like us, when they’re talking about something, and then we’re trying to solve their problems or give them advice. And so, the smart guys know to say, “Do you just want my opinion, do you want my advice, or do you just want me to listen?” And so, it has the same effect on us guys as it does on women when women just want us to listen and be a sounding board, and yet we’re trying to give them advice or solve their problem. So, if you explain things that way, they can understand, and that will help solve a lot of issues and a lot of friction, just because our processes for resolving things, men and women, are just different.
The other thing that’s important is that you’ve got to maintain who you were. You’ve got to maintain your relationships, your friendships. You’ve got to go see your mom. You’ve got to hang out with your guys. You’ve got to keep your hobbies, your interests. You want to remain the interesting guy that had hobbies and interests that you were before you met her. A lot of guys make the mistake that when the girl starts complaining that you’re spending too much time in the garage, or too much time in the tool shed, or screwing around with your model airplanes, or your train set, or your stamp collection, or the car that you’re fixing up, or whatever, all she’s really saying is, “Hey, I want some of your time and your attention, your presence.”
And guys that don’t know any better think, “Man, she just complains every time I do this. You know what? Why don’t I stop doing this? Why don’t I stop hanging out with that friend? Why don’t I stop screwing around with model airplanes, or that car project that I’ve been working on, or doing things in the tool shed and give her more time and attention, and that will cause her to stop complaining and bitching about it.”
And so, what happens is they become pleasers. They mistakenly think they’ve got to eliminate their hobbies, their interests, the things they love doing for fun to please her. And then what happens is, a couple of years later, she dumps him saying, “Hey, you’ve changed.” And the guy’s thinking, “Well, I did all of the things you said you wanted.” So, it’s important not to lose yourself in a relationship. It’s important to communicate to your girl that you need time in the man cave. And she has to understand and recognize that.
Recently, she was on her period and pretty much verbally attacked me on the phone when I wasn’t on my way over to her house when she thought I should have been. I worked out and took a shower after work.
If she’s really grumpy and being bitchy, I totally get the attitude, “You should have been on your way over,” or “Oh, you don’t care about me. That’s why you’re not going to be here as quickly as I thought you were. You don’t care. It’s the end of the world! Ahhh!” That’s what women tend to do. They tend to take these little things and blow them up like they’re big deals, when they’re really not. And it’s our job as men to shrink those things down into the little, simple, easy things that they are.
And so if she’s complaining and you were in the wrong, if you said you were going to be there at a certain time and now you’re running late, you’re like, “Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry, babe. I told you I was going to be there, and I’m not on time.” But if she’s just cranky and bitchy for no reason, and you’re not late or anything, she’s just complaining that you’re not a mind reader, which is another thing us guys tend to complain about, is women expect us to be mind readers. And so, she was expecting him to be here at a certain time, and probably didn’t communicate that, and is upset and butt-hurt.
And when you get anger and hostility and she’s upset, he’ll be like, “Oh, you sound like you’re in a really good mood. I can’t wait to see you.” Just bust her on her. It’s like, “What’s the matter? You sound kind of cranky.” She’s like, “You should have been here!” It’s like, “I know. I’m on my way. I’ll be there quickly. Maybe I’ll stop off and have a drink or two with the boys and come in a couple hours. No, I’m just kidding. I’ll be on my way in a little bit.” But the point being is that masculinity is calm. And so, in these moments, when you date a woman long enough, you’re going to get to know what her cycle is.
After many months of dating and being around her, when she’s on her period, you’re going to see that most women are going to go through a little bit of a metamorphosis. They’re going to be more cranky and more irritable than normal. And you can’t take it personally. You want to bust her on it, you want to call her out on it in a playful way and tease her. “I love it when you’re angry like this. You’re so hot when you’re grumpy, it just turns me on. I think you should fuck me like you hate me.” Just say fun, ridiculous things like that to communicate you really don’t care. Because you’re making light of her being a bad mood.
“This is exactly why I got together with you. Because when it’s that time of the month, you really get cranky, and I like that. It turns me on. I love when your veins pop out in your neck, it’s pretty sexy.” Come up with fun and playful ways to bust on her and tease her, that communicates, “Hey, your behavior is a little inappropriate.” I mean, for me personally, I’m brutally honest. I might say, “Well, you’re kind of bitchy. You’re kind of in a grumpy mood right now. You’re not a lot of fun to be around, to be honest with you. I think I’d be having more fun watching paint dry, than listening to you bitch and complain at me right now, for no reason at all ,other than the fact that it’s that time of the month, and your little ‘friend’ is here.”
She admitted that she was out of line and was PMS’ing. I stayed centered, spoke to her calmly, and let her know that she was a little out of line, and I didn’t care for it.
You don’t want to be all serious and butt-hurt. Like I said, the best thing is humor and playfulness, because it’s going to happen every month. Some women are going to have it worse than others. But that’s why it’s so important to pick a woman who’s easygoing, easy to get along with. Because even the girls that are easygoing, easy to get along with, they get a little pissy when it’s that time of the month. They get a little grumpy, and they might get a little short with you.
You don’t want to take it personally, because if you come at them with anger and hostility and being pissed off yourself, you just threw gasoline on the fire. Have you ever seen those videos where dudes have this big pile of firewood or other things that they’re going to burn, and they sprinkle gasoline all over it to help the fire spread quickly? And they throw a match on it, and the whole thing blows up. That’s basically what happens when you respond to your girl with anger and hostility and being pissed off. It’s like literally throwing gasoline on a fire. It’s not a good way to go. It’s frowned upon.
Then 2 days later, the same thing happened, this time much worse. She accused me of not wanting to spend time with her and pretty much lost her emotional center.
And so, if she said, “You don’t want to spend time with me!” you’re like, “Well, quite honestly, honey, I love you. But when you act this way and you’re cranky this way, I’m not going, ‘Oh, man, I can’t wait to see her. I’m so excited about this. I’m so excited that I can be there in person and listen to her berate me just because she’s in a grumpy mood.'” Make light of it, tease her. But you’ve got to understand, you’re not going to make this go away. You’re not going to make her be perfect every month when she’s on her period, and never get grumpy, never get short with you.
Because when you come back at it with playfulness, it communicates that you’re indifferent to it. In other words, you’re not bothered by it, you’re not upset, you’re not perturbed, you’re amused. Because you should be amused by your girl, especially when she’s in a bad mood. Find a way to be amused. It’s like what Rumi said, “Sell your cleverness, and purchase bewilderment.” Be bewildered in a fun and playful way when she’s cranky and not in a good mood.
Because if you’re honest, and you’re indifferent, and you don’t treat her harshly because she’s in a bad mood, this is assuming she’s not crossing the line into being really verbal, “You’re a prick, you bastard son of a bitch. I hate you!” You know, when she gets to that point, you’re like, “Hey, hold on. You’re being abusive right now.” And it’s okay to say that to women. “You’re being verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive right now, and that’s not very loving. I understand you’re a little grumpy. If you’ve got something you want to talk about, I’m happy to listen. But the way you’re talking to me right now is inappropriate.”
And if she keeps on, just be like, “Babe, you’re way over the line, so I’m going to let you go. You can calm down. And when you’re ready to apologize, I’d love to hear from you. But this is just not going to work for me. Talk to you later. Bye.” Then you go on about your life. And then later on, she’ll say, “Hey, sorry for being such a bitch yesterday.” If she’s a good woman, she typically is going to say that. Because women know when they’re being a bitch and when they’re being cranky, and they know nobody wants to deal with it. Just like they don’t. Quite frankly, if you’re in a shitty mood, they don’t want to really have to deal with that either. At least not for an extended period of time.
I let her know that I didn’t appreciate, nor would I tolerate, being spoken to in that matter, and when she was ready to be nice to call me back, and I got off the phone. I didn’t just hang up.
So, I’m assuming because of the way he worded it she was probably crossing the line and being verbally abusive and just downright mean. And some women are like that. If they grew up in families where that was the normal standard, then that’s the way they’re going to be. And so, that’s why it’s important when they cross the line into abuse that you get off the phone. Or if you’re together in person, you just say, “Hey, I’m going to go for a drive. You’re about as much fun as watching paint dry right now, and I’m not really enjoying being around you. You’re not being nice to me. I’ve asked you a couple times to be nice, and you’re just bitchy, and I don’t like it.”
“It’s Saturday, I want to have a good time, and you’re no fun to be around right now. And if you’re not going to stop, then I’m going to go do something else. And maybe we get together tomorrow, or I’ll see you later tonight.” And what will happen is she’ll learn that if she’s really nasty and really mean, you’re just going to leave. You’re going to get off the phone. You’re not going to be talking to her, because you’re just not going to put up with it.
And so that will force her, because she’ll learn over time that when she crosses a line, she gets distance from you. In other words, you’re just not going to put up with it. You’re not a dick about it. You’re just like, “I don’t want to deal with this. You’re not treating me nice, and I don’t appreciate that.” And like I said, a few hours later or the next day, she’ll be like, “I was such a bitch yesterday. I’m so sorry.” And a good woman will apologize. A woman who belongs to the streets, she’ll feel entitled to be that way. She’ll expect you to be her punching bag, and that’s not what you want.
Since then, she’s been all over the place, and I feel like trying to place the blame on me and my boundary setting. Anything I handled wrong?
I would say more than likely, just because of the tone of your email, you probably didn’t use enough humor and playfulness. But, again, if she’s crossed the line into abuse, verbal abuse and emotional and mental abuse, then yeah, you remove yourself, you get off the phone, and that is the right thing to do. But it also may be the way you handled it that made her feel like you really didn’t care about her. And so, it’s really super important to ask high quality questions and to communicate that.
And so, the next time you’re together, you can be like, “Hey, the other day when we were talking…” and, you know, she may bring it up. She might be like, “I can’t believe you hung up on me.” And you’re like, “I can’t believe you wouldn’t talk to me. You were being abusive. And I was having a good time. When I’m with my friends, when I’m with my parents, that’s embarrassing. You know, my family doesn’t want to see that. You’ve got to be nice to me. I like girls that are nice to me, and I like it when you’re nice to me. And you weren’t nice to me the other day. And I just don’t want to deal with it. It’s not fair to me, and I wouldn’t do it to you. And if I did, I would expect you to call me out in the same manner.”
Thanks. Love your work dude. You are the only one out there that is truly unique and not regurgitating other red pill material.
P.S. I have read your book about 9 times.
Well, the reality is most of the red pill material is just garbage anyway. There are not a lot of solutions in it. It’s a lot of reasons to be pissed off and angry at women, or “Oh, this is women’s true nature.” And you look at the dudes that are writing these, it’s like, no. I’m not going to listen to some autistic beta male who has settled and has a mediocre, boring marriage. He hasn’t got anything he’s going to teach me, that’s going to help me have better quality relationships. And that’s why you see so many dudes in the red pill community, what they’re learning enables them to be angry and pissed off at women and say, “Hey, it’s not my fault. This is just modern women. This is the way they are.”
Well, if you’re watching shows, or you’re consuming content, where you’ve got nothing but sex workers, and women from broken homes, and strippers, and the kind of women, quite frankly, that most guys that are smart know, those are just the women you maybe you have a little bit of fun with. You don’t wife up the hoe. You might hook up with the hoe for a little bit, because everybody needs experience, but you’re not going to have a relationship with them.
And what I see en mass is that people get into the red pill material, and it just turns them very negative, very angry, and women don’t feel safe around them anymore. I’ve had countless emails, especially the last several years, countless emails and phone sessions with guys that were like, “Yeah, I was following your work, and things were going great in my relationship,” or “I had a lot of girls I was dating, then I went down the red pill rabbit hole, and I totally repulsed women,” or “My girlfriend dumped me,” or “My relationship went to shit, and I’m on the verge of breaking up.” And then they get back into my work, and they start consuming it, start applying the things, and their relationship returns back to normal.
So, as a whole, I don’t really see how the red pill stuff is actually helping people. It’s not really solving problems. It’s taking guys that are already wounded and struggling and giving them a reason to enable that behavior and keep them stuck in a loop of negativity and anger. And then they just constantly buy more books and consume more content by this small group of creators that, quite frankly, they don’t know their asshole from a hole in the ground. All you have to do is look at them interact, or be in the same room, or be in a podcast with women, and it’s like, they’ve got no charm, they’ve got no game. Women just do not like these dudes.
What you observe, you participate in, so make sure, whatever you do observe, it’s good stuff, to help you be easygoing, easy to get along with. Because again, remember, masculinity is calm.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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