Some things to consider if your girlfriend is the best you’ve ever had, but you’d rather be single again.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whose previous email I answered in a video newsletter titled, “Vetting Your Dates Properly: Body Count, Ex’s & Male Orbiters.” He’s read 3% Man, 10 times and says he’s had plenty of women with it’s help.
However, he has the best girlfriend and relationship he’s ever had, but he is considering ending things to be single again because he doesn’t really feel like he wants to stay. He asks my opinion on whether he should stay or go. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This particular guy, I guess sometime in the past year, I did a previous video newsletter for him called, “Vetting Your Dates Properly: Body Count, Ex’s & Male Orbiters.” He says he’s read 3% Man 10 times, and he’s had plenty of women, had a lot of success over the last few years with the help he’s gotten in my book, 3% Man. He says his girlfriend that he’s in a relationship now is the best that he’s ever had, but he’s like he feels the calling of the wild. There’s like something over the next hill that’s kind of calling him, and he doesn’t feel like he wants to stay in the relationship, but he also is like, “What if I leave her and then the next girl is not as cool? What should I do?”
He’s like, everything is great in the relationship, but he just doesn’t feel like he wants to stay. So he asked my opinion. He’s like, “Should I stay? Should I go?” Like the old Clash song, Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
Greetings from Colombia! I’m Bob, you answered one of my emails about five months ago titled, “Vetting Your Dates Properly: Body Count, Ex’s & Male Orbiters.” I wanted to give you an update, as well as ask a question which I believe you haven’t touched upon much.
I’ve answered this question a lot of times over the years, but it’s always good to go back to the fundamentals.
In your response video, you mentioned that typically guys that are inexperienced get sensitive about a girl’s body count.
Yeah, usually guys really do that aren’t getting any. The ones are the most vocal. The dudes that ain’t getting any pussy.
However, in my case, I’ve been with more women than I wish to share and thanks to reading 3% Man about 10 times, that doesn’t necessarily apply to me.
After giving it a lot of thought, and even a few sessions of individual and couples therapy, I realized what bothered me was not the body count itself since hers is somewhat low (6), but rather the one specific dude she had slept with the “best friend.”
Yeah, that’s the idea when it comes to body count, is you want to know that, especially if you’re a guy that’s wanting a wife up a girl for life and you’re trying to make the best. In other words, you always got to know your downside risk. You’re trying to determine what’s her character like. Is she going to honor the commitment? Is she the loyal and faithful type that will always be loyal and faithful, even when things aren’t going well? Or is she more of a girl that’s like a fuck buddy, friends with benefits that is loyal as long as she’s happy? If she’s not, she’s looking for the exits. She’s going to be given an invitation to other men to try to seduce her.
You got to figure out what you got to vet women properly. You got to figure out what are you dealing with. What’s her character like? So if you’re looking to stay a long time and you want to have a family, you want somebody that’s going to want to stick around and want to be a good mom and be a good example, a woman who’s got integrity, a chick that’s constantly lying and giving out her phone number and encouraging other guys to slide into her DM’s. It’s a party girl. A hook-up girl.
I mean, that’s common sense. You don’t try to wife up those girls or get into a long-term relationship or have a family with somebody like that, especially if they just don’t seem to have the same values, family-oriented values that you may be looking for. So in this case, this guy, he’s obviously spent some time finding out about all the dudes that she’s hooked up with. While it’s useful to make sure you’re not getting together with somebody that’s maybe slept with hundreds of dudes and will cheat at the drop of a hat.
You want somebody that’s selective. In other words, because it’s easy for women to get laid, let’s face it, any average pretty girl can walk out, go out to pretty much any bar on a Friday night and tap the average dude on the shoulder and say, “Hey, you want to go home and bang?” Or, “You want to smash?” Most guys are like, “Hell yeah, let’s go.”
You want somebody that’s selective. Just because she feels attraction, connection and chemistry with somebody, doesn’t mean that she’s going to sleep with them. She’s going to take her time. She’s going to want to get to know the guy and not just be going home with two or three different dudes every weekend, even though there’s lots of girls out there that do those things. You can have a lot of fun, especially when you’re young and you get experience that way, but those typically are not the kind of girls that you’re going to want to wife up.
I mean, that should be common sense, but a lot of guys, especially dudes in the military, they’re historically known for making bad choices and having a whirlwind romance with a stripper. They met over the weekend and getting married. Then two weeks later, they’re deployed again. They’re gone for many months at a time. Then they find out their wife is sleeping with their best friend and several of their other guy friends back home while they’re deployed. There was like, no vetting at all. It’s just all based on emotions and just assume that everything is going to be great. It’s like going into business with a total stranger and not knowing, and then you get screwed over. You didn’t even vet the person. Or it’s like buying a car without really test driving it or trying to figure out if it’s been an accident or something’s been messed with.
You got to do your research. You always know your downside risk and everything you get into in life. Especially for guys, to have a conversation with a woman and start going over every girl that you’ve dated, kissed or slept with. It’s like none of that stuff is going to add value. None of that stuff is going to make her like you more. It’s just better to kind of get a general feel for her perspective on dating and who she sleeps with.
I mean, you look at her friends. If all of her friends are girls that are going out every weekend and hooking up with a different dude every week, more than likely, she’s probably the same way. If most of her girlfriends are family-oriented and they have stable, long time boyfriends and they may occasionally go out and have a drink or two, but they’re not going out clubbing and acting like single girls.
The values of a woman’s peer group is going to tell you a lot about who she is because you are who you associate with. If you’re trying to determine if somebody’s a good candidate, what are her friends? What’s her peer group like? What are the girls like that she hangs out with? What is her relationship with her dad like? Typically, women that have come from good families and have a good relationship with their mom and dad, their parents are family-oriented and they’re loyal to one another, typically, the kids tend to have a higher percentage of turning out that way versus girls that come from broken homes with no dad or a dad that she hates.
So this guy’s all upset about this. You know, this friend, this dude that she had slept with. Again, these are just not things that are going to help the relationship because all this shit happened before he ever got to know her. Especially if a guy is getting really mad or really upset and deep down you think, “Man, maybe he’s a little threatened by that guy,” maybe dude’s better looking or he’s more successful or he has money.
The bottom line is, if you’re going to get upset, jealous and butt-hurt over some other guy that a girl you’re dating now dated in the past, that’s not displaying confidence. That’s not going to help your case. It’s not going to make you look attractive.
The dude is what I consider to be unattractive, and most importantly, just someone I don’t respect as a man. Long story short, he’s a much older guy who sleeps with the easy younger girls…
There it is. So he’s jealous of this older man who is sleeping with women that are his age.
I did a video where we were talking about this the other day. It was one of the video newsletters. Typically that’s what happens. Younger guys get pissed at dudes like me that date younger women and vice versa. Older women get mad at older guys like me who date younger women. In this case, he’s not happy because this guy is older and is known for dating younger girls. That tells me on some level he’s threatened. In other words, he feels inadequate. He feels like he doesn’t measure up because quite frankly, there’s really no reason for him to feel jealous about this other dude unless he worries that this other guy potentially has more power and confidence can come and just take this girl from him.
…Even tried to make her cheat on her previous boyfriend, so it really bothered me that she would ultimately fall for that type of dude.
Well, obviously he has confidence, he has some swagger. A lot of guys just don’t give a shit. They don’t care if you’re married or you have a boyfriend. If they like the girl, they’re going to hit on her and try to seduce her. At the end of the day, because there’s such a scarcity of masculinity in society, even the bad boys that that do things like this encourage ratchet behavior, they’re still getting laid because they act more masculine. Most of the dudes that they’re competing against, especially the younger guys, because most younger guys are soft, they’re inexperienced, they’re not stable in their careers yet. Typically women on average are five, six years older ,or five or six years ahead. Maturity versus guys their own age.
That’s why women typically in general, tend to date guys that are a little older, just because it takes longer for a man to get his act together and get his career in order, get a good place to live, get a car payment, finish college, get his life in order, furnish his apartment, hang some pictures on the wall, not just have a futon in the living room with a TV and an Xbox and nothing else in the rest of the house.
Even though it’s fun when you’re a college student or you’re broke or whatever, at some point you need to get to a minimum level of competency, especially if you’re going to have a mature adult relationship with a woman who maybe potentially going to depend on you to be the sole provider so you guys can have kids and raise them together. So women notice these things. Are you competent? Can you pay your bills on time?
As I mentioned in my previous email, she’s an unbelievable girl, and immediately broke ties with that dude. She’s also now stopped talking about her previous relationships/sex partners unless I ask (finally). My question is this… Ever since she told me she slept with him, I lost a lot of attraction for her and it’s a thought that constantly creeps back into my head and takes away my peace.
So this dude is living rent free in your head. She’s already cut him off, and yet you’re still letting a guy live rent free. That’s not masculine, that’s not attractive. Especially if you’re communicating to her that you feel threatened by this guy, that’s not a good thing. If things aren’t going well between you, she’ll probably troll you with them. “Oh, guess who I heard from?” You’ll get something like that. “Oh, so he slid into my DM’s recently.”
The attraction part is not unusual for me since I’ve always been a guy that loses interest quickly, typically after just a few weeks. I’ve known her for over a year now and been dating officially for seven months, so it could simply be that as part of my personality, I want something new at this point.
The other thing you got to consider is, what was your life growing up? What was your family life growing up? If you’re used to your family environment being full of chaos and drama and things not going well, when you’re in a normal, healthy relationship, that’s going to feel abnormal to you. You’re not going to feel right. If you’re used to drama, you’ll create drama. You’ll create problems because that feels normal to you. It doesn’t feel normal to be in a happy, healthy, good relationship. So that’s something to consider.
Guys that get into relationships with good women, it seems like she’s a pretty good girlfriend. He does say it’s the best he’s ever had so far if there’s nothing wrong, but they’re used to drama and dysfunction at home, that they’ll actually create that without even realizing it. So he will end up sabotaging a good relationship just because he can’t handle it. It doesn’t feel normal to him.
I’m stuck in this dilemma of whether to break up with an amazing woman (She really is the best girl I’ve ever been with) that I’m no longer 100% attracted to, or stick with it for a bit longer and see if her “amazingness,” causes me to change my mind and start envisioning a future with her.
Well, the future you should be envisioning is, are you going to stick around? Do you see this woman as the mother of your children? Would you like to have her raising your babies? As simple as that.
The other thing you got to take into consideration is, what about our family? If you have kids with her, her family’s going to be involved too. Do you like her parents? Would you like to have her parents as grandparents to your kids? If the answer is no, well, there’s something that’s a data point that you need to consider.
If you’re going to be with somebody long-term, especially when you’re young like this, it ideally would be because you want to have kids and start a family. If you’re not interested in having kids or you don’t want to have a family, or maybe you just don’t want to have a family with her, then yeah you shouldn’t stick with her. You should let her go and just tell her you’re just not in the same place. You don’t want to settle down. You don’t want to have a family. You just want to be single and you want to keep dating, other than the fact she’s a great girl and then let her go so she can find a guy that will give her what it is that she wants.
The other thing to keep in mind is the infatuation period. The honeymoon, it lasts maybe six to 12 months. So he’s coming towards the end of the honeymoon period. If she’s easy going, easy to get along with, easy to communicate with, the whole purpose of all relationships is you go there to give. Do you still want to give to her, in a way, or in the ways that you need to, in order to maintain our relationship?
The reality is, you’re not always going to be driven by your emotions, your infatuation and your strong attraction. Especially the longer you’re together, you had kids in the mix living together, just being together for a long period of time, there’s going to be a lot of days you come home, you’re tired and you just want to go to sleep or you want to do your own thing, but you got a house full of people that depend on you. So it’s not just you anymore. You got to think about the other people in your home. The question is, do you love her enough? Do you appreciate her enough? Do you value her enough to want to keep making the effort to maintain the relationship?
Again, once you get out of the infatuation, the honeymoon period, it’s the same thing with sex. A lot of times the longer you’re together, what ends up happening, it’s very easy to get the point where you’re just having sex once a week, and then next thing you know it’s every two weeks.
The reality is, the numbers are good. Healthy relationships, sex two to three times a week on average at least long term relationship that lasts many decades. Those are the numbers. When it’s less sex than two or three times a week, typically the relationships start going sideways and they end. You got to have the intimacy there.
The reality is, the longer you together, there’s a lot of times where she’s going to want for you to lay the pipe and you’re just not going to fucking feel like it, but you’re going to need to because you’re going to want to pleasure her, and you’re going to want to make her feel good. You’re not going to want to constantly reject her, because there’s going to be times where you’re going to want to bust a nut and she’s not going to be exactly super feeling it. Because things are so close and the intimacy is there, she’ll just submit and let you have your way with her because she loves you and she wants you to be fulfilled.
I’ve always enjoyed the chase, the “game,” taking girls out on dates and just enjoying the single life. She was just so amazing that I decided to give this a shot, but between feeling a bit of disgust about her sleeping with that dude, and my historical desires for something new, I’m a bit confused.
Again, you’re going to have to let it go. You can’t do anything. You don’t have a time machine. You can’t go back in time and prevent her from hooking up with that guy. The reality is, every woman I could think of that I’ve either gotten to know some of their exes, whether it’s ex-husband or ex boyfriend, whatever happened to be, I don’t think there was a single one of them that I wasn’t like, “She could have done better than that guy. Come on, what was she thinking?” That’s always going to happen.
So for you to be getting upset because again, it really looks like he’s threatened by this older guy. He worries that he’s got some kind of power over her, and he could come back in the picture and take her from him. That’s the only thing that really makes sense. That’s why he’s hung up on it.
Would love to hear your thoughts on this. I’m leaning more towards ending it and going back to the single life, but also would hate to break her heart without giving it a proper chance. And worst of all, go to find out regret is the only thing waiting for me at the end of the tunnel.
Well, I would give it 90 days and just see how you feel after 90 days. Again, this is why, one of the chapters in the book is Gentlemen Don’t Kiss & Tell. It’s fine. In other words, find out that she’s just not given the pussy up to anybody that wants it. In other words, she’s selective. That’s the important thing about sex and body count. What kind of a woman are you dealing with? Getting to the point where every single dude and you’ve seen pictures and you know who they are and all the intimate, gory details, that is never going to go well. It’s not going to be helpful. It’s not. Like you said, you see this guy, he knows so much about this other dude that it’s wrecking his confidence. I mean, the dude is literally living rent free in his head. Yet this guy came into and out of her life for the most part, before he even knew her. There’s nothing you can do about it. The only thing you can do is accept it.
The reality is, next time you meet a girl and you feel this way about her, there will be some of her other exes. You’ll be like, “That dude’s a chump. What the fuck was she thinking? Why would she date that guy? Why would she give up her box of that guy? What a fucking loser.” The way you should be looking at it is like, “Hey, I’m the best that she’s ever had.” You should be proud of that. You shouldn’t be comparing yourself to previous boyfriends of hers and feeling bad or feeling inadequate, because that’s not good for your mindset. The more you think about that shit, you’re going to start communicating weakness. You’re going to start communicating that you’re jealous and you feel threatened. When women sense a chink in your armor and they sense a weakness, they’re going to exploit it and they’re going to test you.
So that’s definitely something I’m thinking about as far as what you should do or not. Like I said, I’d give it 90 days. See how you feel after 90 days, but you’re not going to be able to change this. The reality is the next girl, they’ll be dudes in her past. You’ll be going, “What? She really dated that guy. She really slept with.” That’s the way it is, man. That’s life. It’s not a Sears catalog. Life is not a hallmark greeting card. It’s not perfect. It typically tends to be a little messy.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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