Some things you should consider if your girlfriend has constantly lied about her past and her body count.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. He says he is insecure about his girlfriend’s past because he has caught her in numerous lies since they started dating 2 years ago. Her stories have constantly changed. She claims she was only with one other man in her life before he met her when she was 34. She used to be a party girl, bar hopper and night club attendee, and a self-professed serial dater who dated over 70 men.
He still says that he believes she is honest, loyal and caring to him, despite the fact she has been totally untruthful about her past. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This brings up an interesting topic, which is character. And character is destiny. This woman, who is 34, expect her boyfriend to believe that her, as a former nightclub, night owl, party girl, bar hopper, serial dater who dated over 70 men only slept with one other guy besides him. And part of his problem is he just doesn’t believe her, because she’s never been truthful about the past.
So, what do you do in a situation like this? Well, I wouldn’t say that she’s totally lied about everything, even though she seems to have. She’s lying through omission. In other words, she’s not really telling him everything. And so, she says she dated over 70 men. If I was a betting man and I was in Las Vegas, and she had admitted everything she’d ever done, I’d say, probably, her body count is somewhere around 70 or more, if I’m guessing. Because, to be involved in the club lifestyle, usually you’re talking about cocaine and ecstasy, especially cocaine makes girls really horny and girls will sleep with guys to get some cocaine. The reality is she’s probably told other men in the past that she’s dated what her actual story was, and they never stuck around. So, she thought it’s better just to lie about it, because he can’t handle the truth.
His problem is he’s getting older and he’s thinking, “She’s been great to me, but every time she talks about her past, it never matches.” He’s never gotten the true story of what’s really been going on, so it’s like, what do you do in that case? Well, because we know how women happen to be, and girls that are constantly clubbing and going home with different guys but not sleeping with them, that’s just a bridge too far. It’s like, come on. On top of that, we have the fact that he knows for a fact she’s lied countless times. So, if she lies about little things from her past and and she continues to lie, looking him in the eye about it, then we have to assume that everything she says is suspect.
She’s a habitual liar. And I’ve come to find out that people don’t change who they are. They may become a better version of who they are, but a liar is still a liar. Somebody who’s dishonest is always going to be dishonest. Somebody that is an hourly employee, and they’re constantly adding a half hour, 45 minutes, an hour and a half here and there every week on their time sheet, they’re probably always going to be dishonest about it. They may become more clever at hiding it.
You know, in this case, this woman’s lying about all kinds of things. She lies with such ease, and love cannot exist where there is no trust. If you cannot trust the words that are coming out of your girl’s mouth, then nothing she says is believable. She’s not trustworthy. That’s just based on the evidence. So, remember that character is destiny, and people don’t really change who they are, and they may become a better version of who they are. In other words, a liar just becomes better at lying and deceiving with time, because their whole world is built around that. It’s built on lies.
And the problem is, when you’re in a relationship with somebody like this and you’re two years in, she’s now 36, she’s told so many lies, she can’t remember the lies she told, and she told lies to cover up previous lies that she’s told, and she don’t even remember what the truth is. And as Dostoyevsky said, “a man who lies to himself and believes his own lies becomes unable to recognize truth, either in himself or in anyone else.”
I’ve been watching quite a few of your videos on Facebook and find it insightful when you talk. I am going through a situation where I’m insecure about my partner’s past. I am confident she’s honest and loyal and caring to me.
I like your confidence.
However, when we first met, she spoke very differently than how she is presently.
We could say she grew up, she matured.
Even from her body language and lifestyle, I can see that she is different than her words. I live with her, so I can clearly see these differences. Now, when I question her about what she said previously, she denies everything.
So, you caught her in a lie, and her solution is to lie about the lie. What does that tell you? She’s just not honest, simple as that. Everything she says is suspect. I wish it was different, but this woman is 34 years old. You’re not going to change her. She’s always been this way. She is probably in survival mode, probably didn’t have a strong father figure, so she had to survive. And one of the things she does to survive is to lie and deceive. It’s sad, it’s tragic, it happens, but it’s the world we live in. These people are out there, and it’s hard to spot them. And you want to make excuses for them, especially when they’re pretty and nice to you.
She told me she’s only been with one man before me.
I don’t believe that at all.
Even the story of her being with that one man is different from what she told me 2 years ago.
That’s because it’s a lie.
I don’t know what to believe.
That’s the problem. Do you want to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life?
I met her when she was 34, she’s now 36. I can’t believe she’s been with one man, and yes, I’m insecure about it.
Well, I’d say you just don’t believe her. Because, again, as she continues to retell stories or bits and pieces or try to fill in details, they don’t jive with what she’s told you previously, because what she told you previously was a lie and it was something that never happened. Therefore, of course the story is always going to change every time she retells it, because it’s all a lie.
Previously, she told me she’s dated around 70 men and was a serial dater, serial bar hopper and night club attendee.
Yeah, she slept with one guy out of the 70+ men. I would say, more than likely, what’s really going on is her body count is probably 70+, maybe even more. You could say, hey, she grew out of it. She’s not sleeping around that much anymore, especially if she’s living with you.
I’ve caught her out in numerous lies about her past and what she said. My questions are, am I right for not believing I’m just the second man?
Yes, because of evidence and the fact that you’ve caught her in numerous lies, that tells you anything she says probably, or could be, or is most likely a lie. There’s greater than 51% chance that she’s lying to you about anything on any given day. That’s just a fact. And that’s why you feel so uncomfortable. You just want the truth, but every time you get what you think is the truth, a few weeks later, a few months later, she’s talking about “the truth” again, and the truth changes every time.
Secondly, how do I bring up my insecurities about her discrepancies without upsetting her?
Well, it’s not your insecurities. It’s just that you don’t believe her.
Thirdly, is it worth staying with her if I’m always going to have these feelings?
You’re not going to make her an honest woman, dude. I know it’s Valentine’s Day and that’s not what you want to hear. You live with this girl, but he’s a liar. Plain and simple. You can wish that away, you can hope it away. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
And then, the other thing is you could say is, “Look, we’ve talked about this off and on, and every time you talk about your past, the story changes. And then when I confront you about it, you lie about what you told me in the past. And I’m not stupid. I mean, if you’re constantly lying, I just simply don’t trust anything that comes out of your mouth.”
“When you tell me that you were loved going to bars, love going to nightclubs, you were a serial dater, you dated over 70 men, but yet you only slept with one of them? I look at that and I go, you’re 34 and you slept with one man your whole life? And it’s not because you were in a 17-year marriage.” I mean, he’s never mentioned that. But she was a serial dater, never got serious with anybody, so she was just probably hot, and hooking up, and was the town bicycle.
That’s not something that a woman’s going to want to admit to. Because, quite frankly, how would you feel if she says, “Okay, well, my body count is over 70.” How would you feel then? Would you want to stay with her? Because the reality is that she gave you a figure like that and says, “Oh, I just dated over 70 men.” Now that means, more than likely, if I was a betting man and I’m in Las Vegas, did she just date 70 men, or did she probably sleep with over 70 men? I would put my money on she probably slept with over 70 men. Now, how do you feel about that?
How do you feel about being lied to? Love cannot exist where there is no trust. Simple as that. You could say, “You’ve got to come clean, because I don’t believe anything you say. And the reason I don’t believe anything you say is because your story changes every time you tell it. I’ve been with you two years, and you told the same story five different times. And every time, the story is different, the details constantly change. And when I confront you about it, then you try to make me feel like I’m nuts. In other words, you gaslight me because you’re not truthful.”
So, I mean, this is all on you. You’ve got to put your big boy pants on. Are you cool staying with a girl that’s got a body count of 70 or more? Are you cool with staying with a woman who is a serial and habitual liar? It’s like, at some point, you have to accept the fact that this woman is not capable of being truthful with you. Is that somebody you want to spend your life with? Is that somebody you potentially want to raise a family with, somebody that you want influencing your children? Me personally, I’m going to hard pass on that. But you do, you boo boo.
I want you to be happy, but you sent an email and you wanted to know my opinion. And based on the evidence and what you shared and in fact, I’ve been doing this a long time. It’s obvious she left out a lot of details. You’ve got to try to figure out from the information she has given you, what is the actual truth? Well, she’s dated around 70 men or more. Well, I’d say probably what she left out was that she slept with most, if not all, of those men, maybe more. Maybe her body count’s over 100. I don’t know. We don’t know.
What do her friends say? Have you ever talked one-on-one with some of her girlfriends? Look them in the eye and say, “Well, she says she’s dated over 70 men, but never slept with any of those guys other than one dude before me.” Just say that and then look in their eyes. Did they squirm a little bit? Did their eyes get really big when they tell you something? You know, maybe you can get a little info out of her friends.
But like I said, if I’m a betting man, I’m betting she’s probably been with over 70 men. Maybe I’m wrong, but the fact that she’s never told you the truth about anything in her past, she’s covering it up. Why? Because she knows you’re not going to like the truth. Simple as that. And a lot of women that have a high body count like that, they get into their late twenties, early thirties, they start thinking about settling down. They go out on a few dates with guys that they think are good dudes. Maybe they could be good husbands or boyfriends and have kids with them, and they say, “Oh yeah, I’ve been with 100 guys,” and the dude dips out.
He might bang her a few times, but he’s not going to ever get serious with her. He’s like, “I don’t want a cum dumpster for a girlfriend or a wife. I don’t want a woman who has such a low value of herself that she behaves this way. Or a girl that supposedly has a boyfriend, but yet she’s got other guys that she’s met on Seeking Arrangements or guys that send her money, and yet the boyfriend doesn’t know any of these things. It’s like, they’re out there. These are the women you’re going to encounter in the real world. And that’s just the way it is with the Internet.
When I when I was younger, you would hear about these stories occasionally. You’d run into a girl that you’d know that was sleeping around a lot. I was like, “Oh, yeah, he banged her, her banged her, that guy banged her. She slept with the bartender, she slept with him. She screwed three different guys from the football team that night.” You hear about those. But with the Internet, it’s like these kinds of stories, they’re everywhere. And so, in the dating marketplace, this is what you’ve got to deal with.
You’ve got to determine whether or not you can be with somebody based upon what they’re telling you. And like I said, if I’m a betting man, I don’t believe anything. Like I said, it just looks like she’s got a super high body count, and she’s lying to you about it, because she knows more than likely you’ll probably leave her. Because she’s probably told other guys in the past and been honest, and it didn’t end too well. And so, she thought, “Well, if I want to keep a man around, I better just lie to them about everything.” That’s not good.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: [email protected]
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur